[SpazKatt]

I am just soo lonely and tired of being alone, I want a boyfriend so badly just so that I know I'm wanted. but how can anyone like me with all the issues that I have? I'm doomed to die alone *cries*

[(JD)]

Golly ((((spaz)))) you've hit one of the topics I have difficulty encouraging others about.. because I, too, am alone.

But there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely.... ok? We can be alone and comfortable with that. The lonliness needs attention.

[SpazKatt]

cute I like your smiley sign *hugs*

[meowsers]

hon, there is someone (nay, more than one person, actually) out there for everyone. you are no exception.

just look at all the weird people who got married, like fred west, and some of the folks i know!

i'm sure you'll find that special someone who makes the wait worthwhile. ((((((((katt)))))))) just hang in there. remember you are special. x

[SpazKatt]

aw thanks sooo much meowsers!
*Hugs*

[h0kie]

Spaz...been there. Nothing I can say will change your feeling. I too, never thought I would find someone. When I stopped looking....he showed up.

I am no peach...in fact, I am usually something that rhymes with witch. But, unbelieveably he loves me in spite...or because I am the way I am. Problems and all.

Just as I love him. Together we'll get through anything. We're getting through his illness.

It will happen for you. My suggestion, focus on loving yourself more (we can all use a little more self-love) and someone else will see what a great catch they've got in you.

[PlanningtoLive]

You're a terrific person, Katt - problems and all. Keep that in mind when you meet people and someone will turn up who's just perfect for you.

Keep believing in you.

[SpazKatt]

aww thanks planning and 1day!

[kimmydawn]

katt,

you're going to find that special someone...when the time is right. right now you're focusing on soooo much. when you're ready, you'll be surprised at what's gonna happen i know these things...hehe

love,

kd

[chloepie]

One thing people say all the time is "love happens when you least expect" (and mostly when you're not looking). My biggest concern is that you say that you want a boyfriend so badly, but I think people who "want" or "need" a significant other need to learn to be ok with being by themselves.

You need to feel good about yourself and know that you are wanted, and not use a boyfriend to fill that void for you. Because if he were to go away, would that feeling that your wanted go away too? Probably, and it shouldn't.

One thing I have learned is that you need to learn how to fulfill your own needs yourself before you bring someone else into your life to fulfill them for you.

And I can tell you one thing, problems or not, you are worthy of love and a relationship. Everyone has problems, and if you look on here, read these messages - so many people are looking for ways to help the people they love. That has got to be encouraging for you. There is someone out there who will love you, support you, and accept you and your problems, but you need to do that for yourself first.

A boyfriend should be an added bonus in your life, not validation

[SpazKatt]

Thanks KD and that is a wondeful thought chloe

[JohnShaft]

I understand what you mean. I am terribly alone. Crushingly alone. It hurts so badly and there doesn’t seem like anything can change it. Of course all this ends up leading to helplessness and self-hate. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that.

I’ve also been craving romantic fulfillment recently. I had my heart broken in March 2004. At the same time I found out I didn’t get accepted to the graduate school I applied to, I owed 1600 dollars in taxes (thanks Mr. Bush), my car insurance and registration had lapsed, plus my bike got stolen. At the beginning of the year it looked like my life was finally coming into focus but by the end of March it seemed like it had all fallen apart. For about a month I couldn’t eat, sleep, take pleasure in anything.

Come the summer I decided to take action. I got a new bike and started riding 10-20 miles, 5/6 days a week. I started lifting weights. I got myself in the best shape of my life. I also play ultimate Frisbee summer league. I got involved with the Kerry campaign. I tried going out, being social. This has never been easy for me, even as far back as the 2nd grade. Unfortunately as the summer came to an end I hadn’t gotten one new phone number. I hadn’t made one new friend, male or female. It crushed me. I fell back into my depression again. I haven’t been able to get myself out since. I still try and go out and I try to talk to people but nothing ever seems to come of it.

I’ve always been plagued by social anxiety. This makes getting into relationships so difficult especially as a man. It’s the guy that’s expected to make the first move, do the courting, act confident, etcetera. When you’re fighting social terror it’s hard to do these things. Add this to the fact that I’m not attractive and only 5’6” and it’s the kiss of death. I can see the “Nah” in woman’s eyes before I say or do anything. It doesn’t do a whole lot for the self worth. [Just a note for any other ladies that might read this, please try and look past the tall issue. I hear women all the time list height as being extremely important. Try to understand that this is just like a man saying, “I only date women with big breasts.” There’s nothing I can do about it and it doesn’t reflect on my personality. It’s just the way I am.]

I don’t know what else to tell you. Just try and keep in mind that we’re all capable of loving and being loved, faults and all. Me, you, everyone.

And if it helps, I saw your picture when you posted about your hair, you’re a very pretty girl.

[seasidebiff]

SpazKatt- I know exactly how you feel. The woman I believe(d) (????) was "the one" left me largely because of my anxiety and depression...so believe me that I hear ya.While I appreciate the generally positive outlooks people have posted about finding someone or being okay with oneself, I think it's important to consider the other side. Being alone is difficult, and being alone with anxiety and/or depression isn't any easier. Of course, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand these things doesn't work either. So, I'm like you - wondering how to make this puzzle work. What I hope is that ultimately I'll meet someone who has problems like mine, knows how to work with them, and that we can help each other. It doesn't make for a normal dating life per se, but I've learned to accept that certain realities come with the depression/anxiety package.


mj14 and I were chatting one day and wondered, "why isn't there a match.com for people with personality disorders?" Maybe that's the answer?!?!?1 SWM 31 Depression/Anxiety seeks SWF 25-35 to share anxiety attacks, seasonal depression and romantic rides to therapist.

[SpazKatt]

teehee thanks for your humor, I appreicate it!

[JohnShaft]

I was reading your post about a match.com for people with mental illness. I know I read an article a couple of weeks ago about just such a service. I tried looking for that paper couldn't find it. Poking around the internet I did find this site:

http://www.nolongerlonely.com/

I think that is the one I was reading about, but I'm not totally sure. Oh, I see it's linked off of Psych Central too(http://psychcentral.com/resources/detailed/3392.html).

Now if I saw that ad and the age range were later, I'd answer it just because I love the humor!

I'm firmly established in the belief that after having been a devout therapy patient for lo these many years, I can ONLY date people who have also been through at LEAST some level of couch bootcamp. I'd prefer someone who has seen active duty! You know...been in the trenches, and lived through it?

I need someone who can hold up the other end of a conversation that might involve...EEEKK...the "e" word, Emotions! I've never met someone, male or female, who could do that with me, who hasn't served their couch time.

emmy

[nothemama8]

Hey Em,
Love the terms you use was wondering if I may use some of them in my support group tonight
Angie

[SpazKatt]

oh thanks everyone for your wonderful responses

Of course! My words are yours for the taking! :-)

[Joepesto]

Oh Katz, I understand exactly what your feeling. I too am very lonely and I dont like it.

But, I am working on myself. Trying to change things about me that will make me feel more attractive. Actually, I am doing alot of things to reach that goal.

Sometimes I feel as if I could have a girlfriend but really dont want one because I just dont think I am ready yet. Then other times I think, why would anyone ever want to be with me? The last one is the one I believe most of the time, I know its not true. I just want to be solid within myself, in a good job and not needy. I dont, wont ever ask my next partner for emotional relief again.

I know I am a good person, even though my exwife and I had such a turbulent time she did say I was the kindenst man she had ever known. So I know I have some good qualities and that its ok to do some work on myself now. Besides, I have my cat, but I think he is having an affair or someone is feeding him better catfood as he has been staying out very late! The little ---t!

If you can enjoy you time alone. On New Years Eve, I was all alone in a huge city where I know noone I got the watercolors out and painted, (in my opinion) a pretty cool piece. It was fun too. Good luck, I know your a neat lady just by reading your posts.

Joe

[Wants2Fly]

O gawd I remember times when I was so lonely, I felt like a black hole in the center of the universe, sucking in every little atom of love, no matter how teeny that swirled anywhere near me.

Since I was abandoned 18 months ago, I have zero interest in love and intimacy, and I don't know if I ever again will. I don't know if it's because I've gone through menopause, or if the antidepressant has killed my desire, but after reading these reminders of how painful loneliness can be, I am not sorry that I am this way right now.

I think it is very, very difficult to be young in our society. The media feed us images of "perfect people" leading their "fun" lives. Why do we have to admire? A twit like Paris Hilton? The athletes accused of rape and worse? Love songs are everywhere on the radio, from hard rock to smooth jazz to country. Unrealistic expectations are forced upon us from every direction.

Young people are at stage of their lives where they are forming a self- identity -- and our media hit them with all this BS about how you need to be in a relationship -- and a perfect relationship at that with a perfect person. So of course the message hits very hard because it directly targets a vulnerable area of life. Yes, we all want love, at every age. But let's face it, images of wrinkled old folks being in love are few and far between.

I always did best on the meet market when I was out and about being involved with things I enjoyed doing. It never completely took away the deep ache of loneliness, but it made passing the time more enjoyable and fulfilling, because I knew I was taking care of myself. And somehow that made me more attractive to others.

Best wishes Kat and others for finding the love you deserve.