NEED HELP!! me and my son

in 2 weeks my paranoid schizophrenic ex-husband will come live with me. i am undertaking this because of several factors. one, assisted living facilities for the mentally ill are either substandard or so costly. second, my ex-husband''s trust fund has been hit hard by the stock market/economy slump. up to now we have included him in our lives but he has not lived with us since his illness. for now that is not the problem...
the problem is my son who asked me to caretake his father in my home. i have suggested we install an adt sysytem to alert me when david wanders out, particularly at night.(he is a wanderer-biggest non-compliance.) second, i've asked for a medicalert bracelet that will "tell" the police david's dx and to call their number, then the medicalert people will call me so i can pick him up. he was recently arrested(loitering), charges were dropped ,but the judge said the state will intervene if he gets stopped again.
my son has not offered to compensate me. he has offered 1300/mo to care for dave...meaning room and board, etc. ..anything that david might need. most of the 1300 will be eaten up by his expenses. that's all fine and good. today i emailed my son about adt and medicalert. he asked me if that was being included in the $1300/mo and if not, what was my plan!!!
need i say more!!!
i emailed him back and tried to use all the healthy therapy i've received. i feel like i'm being dumped on and david isn't even with me yet. i am moving to a bigger house to have him live with me, so i can't back out of the deal or i would. movers are coming and i'm on my way.
so how would any of you handle, not david, but my SON? i'm mad but i'm also very anxious cause this is a very concerning beginning. i have already had my exit vist with my T and pdoc so i really need some good suggestions of how to handle this situation with my son.
sorry for the long post. any help is most appreciated. i'm really upset! ..and mad!

Oh good gracious.....what a loving and kind person you are for taking this on.

I believe you have absolutely every right to expect that things will be put into place for safety reasons right up front. Safety for you and for your ex...most definitely. Are you also requiring that he be in therapy while he stays with you and stays compliant on his meds at all times? Where is your son in all this? Will he be a part of his father's team in caretaking etc. or will he just be barking out what he expects from you?

Sorry if that sounds rough....but goodness, your responsibility for your ex ended when the divorce papers were signed. If you are to take this on, you have every reason to put into place good, strong boundaries and rules.

I would tell him that "my plan" is to make sure that everything is set up and in place BEFORE the ex moves in and to find a way for your ex to pay for it since it will benefit him. You should not have to fork out your own money to provide for the ex. You are already giving more than you are required and son should be ever so grateful! (as should the ex)

I wish you well with your undertaking. Prayers going out to you all.


sabby

(((sabby))) thank you so much for the validation. you understood where i was coming from and i so appreciate that. i'm going to reference your post if i feel i need to again. i'm on a limited fixed income and on disabilty so i felt paniced when my son replied that way. and was shocked.
my son called me this morning and i believe my 'healthy' email worked. i had explained to him just what you said in the email. yay. so hopefully this was just a samll snafu and not a prediction of more things to come. i am anxious for this to go well so i can give david a home..more normal environment. he deserves it.
i am planning to involve him in a psychosocial group twice a week. three if he can afford it. he will be seeing a psychiatrist regularly. the only thing i'm not sure of is whether he would benefit from individual therapy. i've researched this and was surprised to find that some pdocs and psychos. don't recommend this for someone as ill as dave. i'm hoping to be involved with his pdoc so perhaps better meds will make him less delusional. i'm all for him having therapy. i sure benefit from it. so what do you think regarding this after reading this input to your question?? also does anyone else have input?
thanks for reading...

I'm glad you were able to come to more agreement with your son. That's great. So that means he's on board with the ADT system etc?

It sounds like you have a lot of good things in place for your ex. I guess from here, maybe you and son should have a safety plan for times such as if your ex goes off his meds and/or is not compliant. What would the procedure be from there...would you be in charge of getting ahold of his pdoc? Would son be able to help out with that by talking with dad? One thing I'm not clear on, is son near you or in another city/state? Are there legal papers drawn up as to who has say in your ex'es care? Is your ex his own guardian? I'm sorry, I don't know how disabled he is from his illness.

I give you much credit for taking this on.


sabby

sabby, good questions and thank you for your reply and concern.
if dave goes off his meds/which i will be administering, i will take him to the VA for assistance. i intentionally got a home that is nearby to the facility. his pdoc will be there too. my son will be nearby-30 minutes-and yes, he'd address this with his father too. my son has durable power of attorney and we are getting the same for me. i am also going to the SSA to put myself in their files re david. the adt is going to be put in and the medicalert bracelet will be set up, too. good conversation with my son via phone. maybe we're both a little stressed!
david is quite delusional, hears voices, wanders,etc. however he has never been violent. yes, his illness is quite severe. but he has a gentle spirit that he has had all his life. he's still in "there" but the schz. interferes with his interactions with others. i have remained in his life since his illness at age 25, he is now 61. we are the best of friends tho sometimes he gets things confused. i oten say he has a "beautiful mind" but the schz. interferes. he had obtained a phd in psychology before geting ill and is quite brilliant. i still love him just not in the marriage kind of way. he was my best friend. i was devasted when he became so ill but had to "drive on" cause i had a 3 year old to raise on my own..i look back and really don't how i survived this life event.
i am hoping to get him more quality care/pdoc to see if some new meds may stop some of the delusions and voices. he has been better in the past...about 10 years ago. when he first got ill, it was 25 years later until he was able to really have a conversation with us of any normalcy. his present care has been substandard. that is one of the reasons we are taking this drastic measure in hopes we can be hands on with his medical care and quality of life.
sorry for the long post. i anticipate i will be using pc for support after he moves in as i'm realistic that there will be challenges for me. i'm bp among other dx's and stress tends to upset the apple cart tho i have been stable for some time. i have a pdoc and will continue my therapy when i move.
thank you (((sabby))) for showing an interest. i really appreciate your asking those important questions, too. we keep trying to be proactive before he moves in, in hopes that we are doing everything we can to avoid as many pitfalls as necessary. if you have any other suggestions please let me know.

((((((((((((( madisgram & Family ))))))))))))))))))

I will definitely keep all of you in my prayers as you move along through this. Stressed??? You and your son??? Heck no LOL I was kind of hoping that was what had happened in the emails......be prepared for more of the same at times when things get a little tough.

I'm very glad to hear that your ex is not violent and has a gentle soul. He sounds like he's a wonderful man and he's so blessed to have you and your son in his life. I'm sure there are times when he knows this

Right now, I can't think of any other ideas at the moment. You may want to post in Caregiver's Forum as there may be some members there who have been down your road or something similar to it that can throw some thoughts your way. It sounds like you are trying to cover all the basis and be ready and that's great! Just remember, there will always be something that comes up that no one thought of ahead of time. I'm sure you will go with the flow! Oh, I did think of something.....is your ex'es SSD set up with a rep-payee and auto deposited? Don't forget to keep good records when it comes to out of pocket expenses as well, you might be able to claim them on your taxes. See? I knew I would come up with some kind of question LOL. Oh yes, I have another as well.....I don't know where you live, but if your ex is deemed unable to care for himself, your state may or may not have programs that help pay for the care of your ex. Since you are no longer married, you are not considered a family member, you are now a caretaker. Might be worth looking into as well? Just a thought

You are doing a right and good thing hon. I have tons of respect for you and your efforts. As always, PC is here for you in the good times and the hard times.....don't be afraid to post when you need to!


sabby

I think you're a saint to take on your ex's care under such difficult circumstances. Sabby had many good questions&suggestions. Has your ex ever applied for disability? That could help with expenses.
Yes, definitely be thankful that your ex is a non-violent schizophrenic. He's fortunate to have family that cares enough to take on what he can't-his health care. I also think that your son is expecting an awful lot from you-sure he's providing financial support, but he's not going to be dealing with the day to day stuff. I'd look into some support groups for yourself as a caretaker once you get moved. Best of wishes-hugs

thanks sabby!!! some more good suggestions for me. one of the reasons i found the pc site was for help/support regarding david. i also plan to join a support groupfor myself cause i know i'm going to need to vent sometimes even if things are going pretty ok.
i'm copying your recent post to my email account. i'll need that info. great idea re community-state support/eligibility for dave.
your support has lessened the anxiety i'm experiencing even tho my mind says i'm not anxious, my sleep talking tells me it ain't so!!

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gosh skymonk, can't thank you enough for your kind post. yes, david has disability thru the ssa. that's what i'll be using to pay for whatever he needs-medical, meds, etc. i'm thankful that i am in a position at this time in my life to give him a loving home. i know it will be a strain sometimes, but i have a lot of faith and will be relying on that in stressful times. (it may not work out and if not then we will be with no option but to return him to assisted living. we hope that doesn't have to take place) i'm thinking positive so i can influence the outcome.
it's such a good feeling to know that you all care. i can't even express that appreciation into words, except to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so glad I could help lessen some of your anxiety. One of the things I found when caring for my mom years ago and then my aunt a few years ago was to network network network. Talk until you are blue in the face to find assistance not only for David but for yourself as well. Somebody always knows someone who............yadda yadda yadda LOL. I've seen many folks who couldn't find assistance that they needed and found a way to make it happen by pulling like minded people together and talking to their senators/congressmen/state and locals and letting them know there is a real need. Sing it loud.....talk to newspaper reporters if need be to get community involvement.....I've seen it work wonders! Don't know if you will ever need or want to go that far, but it is amazing what one person can accomplish when there is a need for something specialized

All my best to you!
sabby

i consider myself a "do something constructive" kind of person so if the need is there in fla. i may just do that!