[angelicgoldfish05]

So I've been going out with this great guy for the past 3 months. After (what was for me) a rough start, he has totally won over my heart. I'm currently a full-time student going for a degree that will support a start of a great career for me and he is very supportive of this. My problem is that the last time I was in school and started dating a guy, I failed my class and started doing poorly in school. My mom dropped out of school when she met my dad and she says she is worried this is going to happen to me.
I know I am not going to give up on school and drop out, but when I get in relationships, I'm driven to spend all my time and energy towards that in order to support a future in the relationship. I'm wondering for those of you who have been in a new relationship and got distracted from all the other things in life you were doing before you started dating the person, how did you get back motivated to doing well in school or with your job? I'm really struggling and I don't want to fail my classes. Before I met this guy I was spending all my time doing homework. Now I'm struggling to just do the bare minimum. Any ideas are appreciated, thanks!

[avlady]

try organising your time on a schedule of when you will see your boyfriend and when you will do schoolwork and stick to it. the same thing happened to me in college, i only needed 2 classes for my bachelors but never went back and its been over 30 years now.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by avlady

try organising your time on a schedule of when you will see your boyfriend and when you will do schoolwork and stick to it. the same thing happened to me in college, i only needed 2 classes for my bachelors but never went back and its been over 30 years now.

Are you still with your partner? I can't focus on homework when he isn't there I just think about him. It's bad! I don't know where my mind is! Today we spent time apart but I couldn't pick up a school book to save my life! I just daydream and think about him! Isn't this what happens when you fall in love though? I always get real bad over it and abandon nearly everything I was doing in life before I met the person. Isn't that a good thing though? I'm so happy I finally found love (our that it found me!) And that's why I'm conflicted over it. I know I should push myself to still do well in school but how many times do you get to fall in love with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? I just want to put every thing else on hold and enjoy being in love with this wonderful man who is perfect for me and treats me better than any other man I've ever been with!!

[Trippin2.0]

Errr actually no, it's not a good thing to abandon nearly everything, that's actually pretty unhealthy behaviour.

Love is not about abandoning all you know and having your world revolve around 1 particular person. Yes they will take up alot of space in your head and so forth, but it's up to you to draw the line and say, ok, enough day dreaming, I need to get back to reality.

The healthiest and happiest relationships are those ones where you each carve a space in which your partner fits nicely and you two navigate this new road together. Not the lets pretend nobody and nothing else exists and become completely enmeshed in each other we may as well be each other's oxygen.

Do you know what happened to one of my very best friends, one who was more like a brother than friend?

He finally found love and ignored the world.

He stopped coming to family gatherings like baptisms, Christmas, general socials.
He stopped being available for hiking, because his new gf wasn't into it, stopped playing guitar with my brother, stopped our decade old tradition of movie night ,because it cut into his gf time. He bailed on his friends and family one by one by one...

Then surprise! they had a baby, and he's life became even more all about her, even his off days, were no more, he had to spend that time changing diapers.

He alienated his friends one by one, he was disinterested in anything that was not related to that girl.

Three years this went on, and then he starts visiting randomly, popping in after work, watching movies.... 2 weeks in I couldn't contain my curiosity anymore.

Guess what? He found she was cheating on him and that's why he was looking for his family all of a sudden.

Now not to be a beech or anything, but after 3 years of giving me the cold shoulder I wasn't exactly keen to sooth his broken heart.

Moral of the story?
Don't make the mistake of nothing matters except love, people leave, people cheat, people die. And when they do, who and what do you have to fall back on?

[divine1966]

I agree with tipping. Don't abandon everything and everyone for one person. Especially if you only met him 3 months ago. The only point I am kind of not in agreement on is that when you have a baby you often have to put other things on hold for awhile. It is understood he changed diapers on days off. When you have young baby that's what you do. Other than that no need to forget all activities

You only know him for short time. Don't abandon everything for him. Try up find balance

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[Trippin2.0]

Sorry I was being flippant when I said he changed diapers on his off days, and thus failed to make my point.... Not only was he willingly sacrificing all for this girl, but after the baby, she deliberately monopolized all his free time, using the baby as an excuse.

I also have a child, and I know how time consuming they can be, so trust me when I say this girl went over board and my friend went along with it because he has the same mind set of the OP.

Balance is key

[angelicgoldfish05]

Trippen thanks for the sharing the story about your friend and sorry to hear how negatively his relationship impacted you. Did your relationship heal over time? Most of my friends live out of state, and due to depression, I sometimes go for long periods of time without keeping touch whether I'm in a relationship or not. The way you tell the story of your friend, it does sound unhealthy.

However I'm trying. I registered for a 1/2 marathon that is next summer I will need to train for even though I have stopped running since I met him. I had just gotten going with it though (like two weeks in) so it was easy to let it fall to the wayside. I'm still getting A's in the classes I'm taking (I don't know how) but I'm totally not putting in the effort I could. I did get a C in one of my classes after I met him and I know I could have done better in that one (like an A) had I not been dating him and giving him all the attention I did. But it was a choice I made and I wanted to spend time with him. I should have done better in that class though.

The thing is, I do struggle with depression so finding motivation is so hard anyways. I have a very co-dependent mother, and growing up my family was fairly dysfunctional with enmeshment issues among other things. I don't want to be like my mom. I need to be stronger. I wish it were easy.

Thanks for your replies and encouragement to find balance. It's true, when things happen (cheating, death, leaving), you need to fall back on the things and people that make you who your are. I really should have learned this lesson by now, after all, when the previous therapist left me, I was devastated and tried to kill myself. Change is so hard, I know I need to be different and do things differently. Prayers for strength or thoughts of encouragement would be appreciated.

[Trippin2.0]

Our relationship is still rocky, and not really because he abandoned us for a 2 timing female dog, I've forgiven him for that.


This is where the problem runs deeper....


Because she's been his whole world for the past few years, he did not take the break up well, even though he initiated it.


He felt he couldn't live without her, that he'd never find love again, so much so, he took her back, in secret, twice.


And then "made it our problem" when he found out she was still seeing that other guy.


So I had to sooth the same broken heart, over the same no good girl, more than once.


The third time I basically told him I'm over repeating myself, he must learn to deal like an adult because he didn't listen to our advice in the first place...


My animosity / resentment is probably better explained by the fact that we warned him from day one that she's not the right choice for a long term gf material.


Ps. The "our" and "we" I keep referring to is my brother and I, because the three of us were always close knit.


Trust me, you can have an awesome relationship and not lose yourself, your goals or your path. You just have to figure out how.


Even myself, I came from a "the world revolved around you" relationship (but that was because not only did I not fathom balance, but he was also cutting off my friendship supply) to a healthy balanced relationship.

I'm a single mom, balancing my job, household responsibilities, my daughter, friends and my bf.


So I personally know it can be done, and it is the healthier choice.


My thoughts are with you.

[avlady]

i've had several relationships since college, im almost 55 yrs old now. i ended up leaving my college sweetheart because he got pshysically and emotionally abusive. from then on i had several ex's i was just playing the feild. then i met my sons father who i had to leave too because he was emotionally abusive. i've been married for 20 years now with a great guy. i told you all this not to discourage you but to let you know you havechoices too. i'll pray and good luck

Yes, I have abandonned my life for boyfriends. Part of it has to do with my poor self esteem which leads to a dependence on the other person in my life. It is not an obsession. It is not an infatuation. It is not a need. Rather it is out of a sense of obligation; a sense I must return the affection shown towards me.

I quit university to be with and later form a family with my first boyfriend. I quit a job to be with my second. I ended a promising career to keep up with my third. And now I'm in a rather complicated relationship again. I have nothing left to give up but I refuse to give up myself.

Three months is very early to make a decision about your relationship. I like the idea that you make a schedule of where you can fit this relationship into your life. If he is to be the one, he will understand and wait.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

I always get real bad over it and abandon nearly everything I was doing in life before I met the person. Isn't that a good thing though?

No, no it's not.

Everything in life needs balance. You have to invest as much in yourself as you do in the relationship. Giving up everything in life to a relationship doesn't work because the person you are with likes who you are now, not a one-dimensional person who has no interests outside the relationship. What you are doing now is not sustainable. New relationships/love is like a high; research has shown that it effects the brain in ways that are similar to cocaine. Some of us react much more strongly to that "new relationship high" which yes while normal does not mean that it's a good idea to abandon nearly everything you were doing in life before you met the person.

I don't know how old you are, but think back on past relationships and answer these questions to yourself - Do they start out with that intense in love feeling and fizzle out in 3-6 months? When you first connect with someone does it feel like you've known them forever? Do you both share really intimate, personal things pretty quickly? Do you tend to get committed very early on? Every time you fall for someone do you feel elated that you've finally found The One only to realize some time later that they aren't quite as great as you thought? Do you find that after a few months that it tends to be you taking care of them and them not really paying attention to your needs? Are you frustrated that the love seems to fade away so quickly? Do you feel like if you could just get the relationship thing handled then eventually you'd be able to focus on the other stuff you want out of life (i.e. once I am with The One and things are settled then I will finish college/start my career)?

I ask because your story reminds me of me. I finished my undergrad degree right after I turned 30. I started it at 17. I took time off in between starting and finishing mostly due to relationships. My priority was always love, I found that to be very romantic. Eventually, when I was about 26, I realized that all I had to show for my life was a series of dead-end jobs and failed relationships. I was so frustrated! It took about four more years after that, breaking up with "The One" for the person that I had decided was actually "The One" before I got a handle on what was going on with me.

[TishaBuv]

Ah, the magical feeling of falling in love. I can understand why it's hard to study. The sun is shining brighter, the birds are singing, it's all rainbows and butterflies.

Enjoy this time, but force yourself to study. Think of it as you'll be doing you both a favor when you have a good job at the end.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Yea I'm guilty of this. Whenever I find a new love, I call off work or skip class to be with them. I'll probably always be this way. However my situation is diff now and I'm at home all day because I don't work and I'm done with school. I would just say, you need a lot of self discipline. Think about how important your school is for your future. Don't let at guy determine your outcome. Just keep in mind that you can always see him later on. Let it be a goal to get your school work done first so you can see him after. And anyways, this honeymoon phase will eventually end and you'll be glad to be stuck at class and not watching him watch sports on tv all night lol.

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[ChipperMonkey]

Ugh, I fell into the same trap with a guy last year. It was great at the time but later I just looked at myself in the mirror and said WTF did you just do!?!? Seriously, I pretty much put everything else in my life on hold....and later regretted it. It doesn't pay to make someone your everything. Nobody can ever be your everything....you've got to have balance. Otherwise, its just not healthy.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Thanks all for your support and sharing your wisdom/ experience!! I ended up getting all A's except for the class I mentioned earlier, which was a c. I ended up basically doing two of my classes though. Next semester I will have double classes and teaching an after school program as well as working weekends. I've already been warning him and preparing him that he's never gonna see me. He says this is why he wants to move in together but I really can't afford that right now cause I'm trying to get out of debt so I can buy a house.

So at the moment, I think I'll just let him do all the apartment hunting, if he is the one who is really motivated. I already searched one we could mostly afford, and set up the appointment to see it and all but he wouldn't have passed the background check (dui), so we didn't even try to pay the application fee and apply. Since then he says I should find out what I can qualify for cause I will pass the background check and then I guess he is thinking he can just basically live there our something. Which I guess if be fine with cause he'd be helping with rent (which I would need).

But I honestly don't think I'll qualify for much on my income only, so I don't even think I'm going to look since it is really not in my best interests right now. If he is the one who really wants it, he can be the one to find something that would suit us both and fit our criteria. He is real big on me making the decisions (seems like only when he doesn't want to though, and then when he does I don't have much of a say). But this is one I'm going to basically leave to him. Now, on to next semester with full force! Full speed ahead with indefinite focus and determination. Nothing is going to stop me from meeting my goals, not even him.

[divine1966]

Stay strong. I wouldn't recommend moving in with him. If he can't pass background check I think he might not be a suitable partner. You can date but not more than that. So he wants you to have a lease and he'll just live there. Hhmm. I am not sure about that. On one hand it's easier to kick him out but on the other he can move out any time and you'll be stuck with rent alone. Honestly if you were my daughter I would strongly suggest to not move in together and focus on your school. Does he work? Has any kind of future? Sounds like he might take advantage of you. Please be careful

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[Bill3]

when he does [want to make a certain decision] I don't have much of a say

Don't move in with him.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Thanks all for your support and sharing your wisdom/ experience!! I ended up getting all A's except for the class I mentioned earlier, which was a c. I ended up basically doing two of my classes though. Next semester I will have double classes and teaching an after school program as well as working weekends. I've already been warning him and preparing him that he's never gonna see me. He says this is why he wants to move in together but I really can't afford that right now cause I'm trying to get out of debt so I can buy a house.

So at the moment, I think I'll just let him do all the apartment hunting, if he is the one who is really motivated. I already searched one we could mostly afford, and set up the appointment to see it and all but he wouldn't have passed the background check (dui), so we didn't even try to pay the application fee and apply. Since then he says I should find out what I can qualify for cause I will pass the background check and then I guess he is thinking he can just basically live there our something. Which I guess if be fine with cause he'd be helping with rent (which I would need).

But I honestly don't think I'll qualify for much on my income only, so I don't even think I'm going to look since it is really not in my best interests right now. If he is the one who really wants it, he can be the one to find something that would suit us both and fit our criteria. He is real big on me making the decisions (seems like only when he doesn't want to though, and then when he does I don't have much of a say). But this is one I'm going to basically leave to him. Now, on to next semester with full force! Full speed ahead with indefinite focus and determination. Nothing is going to stop me from meeting my goals, not even him.

Why do you think he won't pass a background check because of DUI? Did he tell you that? Background checks for renting an apartment (assuming you are in the US) are usually to see if someone has defaulted on a loan or broken a lease before. I was told by a leasing manager at one place I lived that all they do is run a credit report and then if you have never broken a lease or defaulted on a mortgage loan, you are good. I don't know if all places are like that but lots of people have DUIs and they all find housing.

Also, most places you would be in violation of the lease if he lives there. Some are really super restrictive to prevent this sort of thing, one place I lived said if someone was going to be staying with me more than five days in a row that I had to notify the landlord and specifically said anyone staying more than two weeks had to be on the lease.

[divine1966]

The other reason you can be turned down is if you don't make enough. Other than that I also never heard of DUI being the reason. It sounds he wants you to have the lease on your name so he isn't tied down. Hm. Bad news

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[lunatic soul]

Mostly my boyfriends were unhappy for me working and studying and having hobbies and wanted me to spend all my time with them.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Mostly my boyfriends were unhappy for me working and studying and having hobbies and wanted me to spend all my time with them.

Stay away from men who don't give space. It's unhealthy

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[Bill3]

Stay away from men who don't give space. It's unhealthy

I completely agree with divine1966.

lunatic soul, I wonder if there is anything in your background that predisposes you to be attracted to, or consistently end up with, that type of man.