Pregnet???... and worried about Boyfriend...

((((((((((((((((((iskm12)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm really sorry that you feel so bad right now.

Eat, you deserve to eat. This did not make you bad. You can still have a child later, when the time is right. I don't think killing this barely starting to develop child at a time where you needed it for health, and at a time when bringing a child into the world would have been not a good thing for you OR that child, makes you bad or make you not deserve to eat.

I understand why you feel this way, and you do need time to mourn the situation you were forced into, and to heal from it. You CAN heal. The good thing about this choice is that you can move on soon. You are now responsible for just yourself, you can get yourself better.

You are NOT bad because of this. You deserve food, try to eat.
Know I"m thinking of you, sorry that I can't help more

'N' took my car keys away from me because I may have said I might drive my car into a tree... I'm so depressed about this whole thing, I don't know what to do anymore... I guess now I'm beginning to try and cut 'J' off completely, not only because of this but because I fear that I have hurt him and I just don't know what to do about any of this anymore... I talked to 'J' two days ago, he said he wanted to see how I was doing... I was honest and he started saying "I told you this would happen..." he continued to say that now I'm more destructive than I was before.
Then I told him that I thought God was dead and that God doesn't care about what happens to people in this world and 'J' jumped to the conclusion that I was going to become a Satin worshiper... It made me so angry... I don't need him to say things that hurt me, what I need from him right now is support.

Please contact an after care support group, they can help.

your boyfriend is not supporting you, he should be please realize that he is NOT being realistic or helpful. I don't know what you need to do about him, but please, he is hurting YOU not the other way around.

Honestly, without his sperm this could never have happened so if he's guild tripping you, that's NOT right in ANY way shape or form. Please realize, that in reality THIS IS AS MUCH HIS RESPONSIBILITY as yours, his JOB is to let you make the decision AND SUPPORT YOU, obviously he is just getting mad at you whatever you do - when you were not wanting to and si'ed he got mad. He got mad at anything you did to try to deal with being pregnant. When you got the abortion, he gets mad because you "killed it" - well. you needed to do it. You know that. He should too.

I'm sorry he's not being supportive. Please try to be safe, if you really really can't cope, consider going into some type of care facility just so you have some kind of distance from reality for a bit to deal with your emotions, call a crisis line, hold onto your friend.

I know that 'J' isn't being supportive, I can see that but at the same time I know I'm loosing him and that should probably be a good thing, but I've only ever loved two people and he was the one that helped me to look at myself and make me want to change for better. I stopped using drugs because he opened my eyes, he showed me what I could be. I built myself an empire that is now falling down in ruins around me... I've moved to a place where I always seem to loose myself to the bad things around... He helped me to see that I could do better than what I was doing when I met him but now I seem to be going back to the old.... I think its partly because of the depression of getting rid of this child but also because I am loosing him as well... He was what kept me going for so long and now I have no idea as to what will keep me going. I have not only lost a child now I am loosing my best friend and lover...

Still cant eat... and 'N' is getting worried about that he said hes going to take me to the hospital if I don't start eating, he really is a good friend... he sits with me when I cry and holds me when I ask him too, he can see how much I am hurting now... and he cares... thats all I want of 'J' but I feel that it is too much to ask of him because I know that I have hurt him... something I swore never to do.

Do you define yourself by others and the things THEY think of you? What do you think, of YOURSELF, what personality traits do you have, what makes you special? Ever take the time just to love yourself? Live for YOU you seem pretty special, regardless of how others define you.

I don't define myself by what others think of me. Why did you have to ask me what I think of myself? Jeeze, I like the fact that I am bold and I speak my mind a lot of the time, I am able to pick my battles, other times though I will just slink away and watch from afar something I so badly want to do right now with this whole thing. As for what makes me special... I dunno I guess my talents, like photography, and my writing.
I always take one day out of the month to just sit with myself and appreciate who I am. I cant really do more than that because then I begin to scare myself... well my thoughts do, they always seem so dark. actually thats one thing that lifted my spirits in this dark time of mine. I just got done doing a photo shoot with a friend, they are some really twisted photos but its a passion of mine and making something beautiful like that is just amazing to me... photography is something that makes me feel so alive...

But I think that my choice of abortion has caused me to step back and look at all my faults but the thing is my darkness is what makes me who I am, and all my life people have been trying to take that away from me and make me a 'Happy' person. One of my friends just recently asked me if I thought that happiness was meant for me. I had to think long and hard on that and finally came to the conclusion of NO its not. Any time I begin to feel happy or content with a situation it is taken//stripped away from me and I have to rebuild a new empire for myself each time... Its like that guy who has to push the big stone up the hill but it always rolls back down... he is me and I am him. And I don't mean to get off subject or anything but its like when I told 'J' that god was dead (to me more) or that he didn't exist... you see I think I said it to lash out at him more than anything, but I also did it to prove to him that am NOT Christin, if I am anything I am Pagan. I guess it hurts that he wont accept me for being what I am anymore, its almost like he's a completely new person, now that he has chosen to go to Jesus... he use to be atheist, then he was agnostic and now hes gone hard core christin a place that I dare not go.... he scares me now, and yet I still love him. I don't want to look back to this time and think//know that I not only lost a child but also a good friend//lover.

((((((((iskm12)))))))))