is this healthy??

I've always been the type of person with big dreams and hopes and goals in life.. but I've also always needed someone to encourage me, motivate me, and push me to do things. It's really pathetic, but I've come to realize how much I need my mommy for these things.. haha..
ok, so I love my husband to death, but I'm afraid because sometimes I feel like he's not motivated either.
There are so many things that I am interested in and want to pursue but I just feel like I have no support. Any time that I try to talk to him about ANYTHING of this sort, he barely pays attention.. or if he does, he shows absolutely NO interest. I've started watching his stupid sports and I even kind of like them now (which I hate to admit haha), and will go to sporting events, and even play sports video games with him!!
I don't understand why he can't show some interest in anything that I like.. it's like I can say "I miss dance/art so much, I want to take classes" and he'll say, "oh yeah... that's cool."
it's like he says the smallest reply that he can get away with.. like I can't "yell" at him that he's not listening because he responed.
All he does and he would be happy doing this.. is sports! He can watch sports nonstop all day!!! Like I said, I will watch games with him.. will GO to games with him.. but that's just too much. He shows no interest in ANYTHING else in life.. and sees nothing wrong with it. That is just too depressing for me. I don't understand it.
I can understand liking something so much, but still there is so much more out there in the world. I try to tell him that he needs to try new things and that he should learn about other things. He is so consumed with the sports world that it's pathetic. It's as pathetic as if I was all obsessed with celebrities and sat at home watching E! channel all day long!!
I am just so curious about the world and he just seems uninterested in anything.
It's frustrating because I don't know if I can be in a relationship with someone who won't do anything. The only things we ever do is go out to eat, go to the movies sometimes, sports events, grocery shopping. THAT'S IT! We are so young and that's all the "fun" we ever have! I like to go out, meet people.. I used to have so many friends.. i love to go running, go on walks out in parks.. go to the gym.. I will ask him to go to the gym or go running with me, but there's always something else that needs to be done.. or it's too cold outside, or he's tired.

I'm wondering if it's normal for somebody to be this way.

I just don't understand it. I love my husband so much but I just don't feel connected to him.

Sex seems to be all about him.. and it sucks for me. But I guess it's understandable since he's my first and he's also new at it.

He does nothing even for himself.. he goes to work, comes home, and wants to sit there and watch tv or play video games. He doesn't even eat much. I have to nag him to eat/take a bath/brush his teeth/wash his hands!! It's terrible! I feel like his mother! I mean, didn't his mother teach him to take care of himself?? i just don't know...

I wish he cared about himself more and made more of an effort in life. I feel like we are both wasting our lives and I can't live like this.

What do I do? And is it normal/healthy for him to be the way that he is?

I don't want to complain but I am so new at this.. I don't know how a relationships is supposed to work (my parents are together but have a horrible "relationship").

Maybe I'm just being too naggy or expecting too much.. or i dont know..

.......sorry

wow.. i feel like such a @#$@#$.

Don't get me wrong.. I looooooooove my husband. He's a great person and he's very caring and amazing.. but our relationship seems to be going no where.

He claims that there is nothing wrong with him.. he seems content in his little world. But I'm just not.

hi pj, some good thought provoking questions!!! why don't you just start to do the things you'd like to do even if hubby doesn't join you? since you miss having a bunch of friends and sound so outgoing i'd say go for it. this is your life. yes you're married but that doesn't mean your individual life has to stop.
i sort of felt like you when i was young and first got married. my husband was really laid back and i was a social butterfly before we married. i thought gosh will i ever be able to have a grilfirend to hang out with anymore??!! i almost went into withdrawal...lol. so i just got on with it and got involved with the things i was interested in. hubby may eventually get bored without you around all the time and will perhaps join in. who knows? all things are possible.
but i'd encourage you to enjoy your life to the fullest and if all else fails at least you'll know where to find your hubby when you come home....on the couch watching sports.

There is nothing wrong with him. And there is nothing wrong with you. You just have different life "views" and goals. You have different baggage and that luggage doesn't match-up. You have to work it out now (since you're married and not just gf/bf and could break up) or risk living like this for, oh, another 50 years or so (I take it you're in your 20s?)

It's like that with my wife and I. She is actually physically sick, though. Her back is really bad, she gets a lot of migrane-type headaches. I take my kids out and do stuff with them on weekends. She tends to stay home. Once in a while, we go out to lunch together but I'd like more than that. She watches tv all day, will make dinner 3-4 nights a week and read email from dozens of internet forums on crafting daily. But she doesn't do any of the crafting she is so interested in. I gave her a wonderful new sewing machine for Christmas - it sits idle (she loved it and really was excited to use it). Not sure if it's depression or some other mental-block that is causing her to sit idle. Being in our 40s - what kind of life do we have together for the next few decades?

Talk with him and he may say "I like to do what I like to do" - you then will have to do stuff on your own. Married people really don't have to do things together. You can go out with friends, you can go to the park, you can get quality-time with the world without him and still be married. Sure, you'll want him to come along - but he won't (judging by your post). So, either you go and do it and let him know how much fun it is and some day he can join you - and if he says "you can't go..." then you have got to look at where you are in life and what your needs are. You have to stand up for your own needs and go for them. If he says no, you can't go - go anyway. You need to challenge that if it comes up. Husbands cannot forbid you from living your life - unless your from one of those countries which has that built into their culture. I hope you see my point here - you need to be you. He already is him.

Hi prettyjolie,
My husband & I are going through kind of the same thing. We are in our 50's. I look down the road and just see more of the same "too empty" life ahead of us, then we die. That's depressing. Part of the problem right now is that his job is not secure and he is not as motivated as I think he should be (my problem I guess) to make a change so we are secure financially. His only social activities are attending AA meetings. He's been doing that for over 20 years.

In the past I was busy with my own things and so our marriage worked for me. Right now, for the first time in 12 years of our marriage, I'm not busy with any other activities so I'm more focused on our relationship. It feels lonely right now. We've talked about this. My husband talks good, but no real actions follow up.

I'm beginning to realise that I need to just go live my life. Find new interests and activies for myself. Set myself new goals. And I will try and include him, but I can't force him to change. I can only change myself and see what happens in our marriage.

As others have already written, I would also encourage you, as I am trying to encourage myself, to go live your life. I plan on trying to continue to communicate my feelings and needs to my husband and hope things get better. But also make changes I need to make for myself, so I can be reasonably happy right now. Good luck to you.

Thank u everyone..

[[but i'd encourage you to enjoy your life to the fullest and if all else fails at least you'll know where to find your hubby when you come home....on the couch watching sports.]]
haha.. that's true. I guess that's better than wondering if he's out at the strip club or something =D

Bonaire-- I'm sorry about your wife. That sounds very sad. Does she go to therapy? She's lucky to have you. You sound very supportive and understanding.

Pomegranate- omg I love pomegranates! haha.. yes, I will try to set goals for myself and do things for myself. I have nothing to do right now, so I have plenty of time to nitpick at our relationship .. it's so bad!

ok.. so I see something in common with everyone's replies.. I should do things on my own. I guess this is a good idea. It makes sense. The only thing that makes it difficult is thatI don't drive and I'm new here. He's military so we got dumped here and I know nobody. Its a small town and always cold (which I am NOT used to). I guess I'm kind of afraid and really, I don't know what to do by myself. I go out running on warm days but it's kinda difficult to meet people that way, especially since most people around here are like wayyyyy older than me and very different.
I do realize that I have to have a life of my own. I'm so used to being around family and I lived in the same town since I was 8 (I'm almost 20, by the way).
I know there's nothing like wrong with him.. but I don't know. I just wonder if it's "normal" for someone to be so obsessed with something. I was talking to a family member about this and we discussed how our parents always pushed us to do our best and to learn and better ourselves. Maybe his parents didn't do that? I am very close to my family and he isn't.
And break up?! Do you think that this is a reason for two people to break up? Yes, we are married, but do you think this is something serious?
I love him sooooooooooooo much, but it's tough to have a relationship with someone who doesn't put himself out there.
I'm wondering if he's depressed or something?
He seems happy, but then again, what do I know? I just don't know if I should push him or motivate him to do things, to exercise, to eat healthy.. to act like his freaking mother! lol I don't want to nag but I'm worried about him and his health. I believe that in order for one to be happy, we have to have goals and dreams and things that we are excited about.. like I am about going to college!
I just want us to have a healthy relationship and not be roommates, you know?
hah.. NOO, there is NO way he could forbid me to do something, hahaha
I just feel like I have no support.
ughhh growing up is so damn hard. I seriously miss the old days of homework and chores! hah, I never thought I would say that! lol
thanks again!

>> I was talking to a family member about this and we discussed how our parents always pushed us to do our best and to learn and better ourselves. Maybe his parents didn't do that? <<

Probably not. However, do you know his family at all? If not, ask a few questions. I know my wife's family pretty well, but she doesn't know my mom at all (mom is all I have). My mom pushed me and it worked out ok. It hurt my potential in social situations but helped me land good jobs and grow my career.

Sure, some families break up for this reason. No kids? That's good. As we said in other threads - Neglect is a form of abuse. I would say that you can ask for things and create a needs-base. Don't back down. You don't drive? Get into driving lessons. Borrow a car (his car?) Drive him to work and then you have a vehicle. If all else fails - what do you have to fall back on? Can you "go home" to parents or siblings?

I'm not saying break up - only consider that an option. Work on it, try hard - but if it is something where you are compelled to live a good life and you believe that compulsion is worth something, you have to act on it. If you guys go to couples therapy (available?) and you say you want him to change and do different things - he may take that as "nagging" and not change at all. Or, he may say "you're my wife, you're important and I will do that". If he doesn't change after saying that - you have to make your own life-decisions. Your marriage is not a child - it is something that can be dissolved for health reasons (your health may deteriorate due to this situation). Your life and its potential is supposed to be *enhanced* by a marriage. It is not supposed to be *dragged down* by a marriage.

thank you. Yes, I know his family. It seems to me like every single person in his family is kind of only looking out for themselves, including his parents. Of course, they care about each other, but they aren't really involved in each other's lives.
He's the only one out of all his siblings that is different and doesn't want to live with his parents when he's 40. His parents aren't the kind to talk to their children about life or anything other than small talk.
I am not planning on having kids for another.. oh, ten years? =P so i guess, you're right.. that's a good thing.
I just don't know how to talk to him to motivate him or to take care of himself and do simple things like shower every day and exercise without nagging him.
ughh this is so damn hard.
I love him and I don't just want to end our relationship. Of course, if it continued for years, I'd walk away.
I do have family at home.. but they are all moving away within the next year or two to another country and probably won't be able to come back.. so it's difficult.
Plus, i feel like I am having to choose either between my family or him. Right now, I've chosen him, but I feel guilty. And if I went home, I would feel guilty. It's a lose-lose situation.
How do you get through feeling so alone? oh well