How do you get past a relationship?

About a month ago, my boyfriend broke up with me to see other people. But he wasn't seeing other people.
We would still see each other. Often he would tease me a little that we could get back together, but I do not see that happening in the future.
The relationship had very good points, and also some very bad points. At times he could be emotionally and verbally abusive. He would hang up on me, not take my phone calls, give me the silent treatment, purposefully start arguments just to get a reaction, and other things like that. He could also be very loving, and very caring. He claimed he would do those things because he was fighting feeling like he was getting too close and going to get hurt.
I honestly still love the guy, but I do realize the relationship is toxic. Some advice on me getting putting the distance and time between myself and him? The last two weeks have been really nice between he and I, and then he made an ugly comment, and I called him on it. Then I was told he broke up with me because I would fight with him too much. I just can't take the yo-you effect any longer.

I don't think I can offer you any better advice than to keep some distance and keep yourself occupied. All wounds heal in time. It’s good that you recognize the relationship was toxic. He’s probably had some bad experiences, could explain the fear of being hurt. It can be very difficult for someone like that to make himself or herself vulnerable and emotionally available to someone else. Still, that does not justify being emotionally and verbally abusive, nothing will ever justify that.

If you find out, please drop me a private message.

(((((stephanie))))

I don't think you really get past the relationship. I think you learn from them. I hope things are getting better for you. Hang in there.

Jen

Hello Stephanie --

If I've read your post correctly, you broke up 2 weeks ago. I think that's a bit soon to think that you'd be over him, esp. since you are still in contact.

I find that it is best for me not to continue to be friends when an intimate relationship must end. If I have friendly feelings, the man may be pining for me -- and so the issue of sexuality will keep coming up, and I am uncomfortable with having always to remind him that that's not going to happen anymore. And if my heart is still engaged, the best way for me to get past the relationship is to put it "out of sight" so that "out of mind" will follow.

It's a good sign that you recognize the relationship as toxic and are taking steps to take care of yourself. It's not easy and you are very brave to do it.

Best wishes.

I fell in love with a guy, he broke my heart, and it took about eight months to get over it. I fell damn hard I guess.

Don't expect overnight feeling better, you're going to need time to get over it. But in the mean time, get out and doing something. Meet new people, expand your horizons and crap. ^_~ (No, I don't mean find a new boy friend) It will help to get out and living, don't dwell on it.

And just my two cents, but I agree when you said the relationship was toxic, he sounds abusive. Fact is, a lot of abusive guys have their nice and loving moments too, not just hurtful ones. Distance yourself, it was his bad don't blame yourself for it.

You'll be ready again some time to have a new relationship with a hopefully more sensitive guy, good luck and keep us posted okay? You're in for rough sailing, but you can get through it, I promise.

Don't cry once the sun is gone, cos tears won't allow you to see the stars.

Honestly, I think you have to completely cut the guy off. I was in a relationship, not abusive, but this guy breaks up with me for stupid reasons, all the while saying he wanted to be my friend and we could get back together. So, he sent me through all this crap, and I felt so close to the guy b/c I lost my virginity to him. We talked for a while and I got tired of the ups and downs constantly. Him talking to me one day and he won't say a thing to me for a week or two. So the next time he did, I knew I just had to tell him to quit. Either be truthful or leave.

Anyways, it's not about me, this is you. I would see the best option is to leave him, avoid him if you could. Pretend he doesn't exist. It still hurts, but it's better than having him there constantly taunting you. There is always someone better than that. You deserve better.

~Kayleigh

Last week I did cut ties with this man. I told him it was too painful for me, and I couldn't see or communicate with him anymore. Thanks for the advice. Its been very tough, but if someone was asking me what to do, I would tell them the same things you are telling me.

You have been very brave. Brava!

((((((((((((Stephanie))))))))))))

That's great (((Stephanie))). I know it hurts now too (been there, done that) but it does go away and it does get better. You find someone that cares for you better. It will hurt a while, but it's better than the constant, repetitive hurt he caused you.

~Kayleigh

Hi Stephanie,

The thing that I noticed in your post was that your ex was doing the nice/nasty stuff to you. This kind of manipulation can escalate in some people, and I believe it is the basis of controlling relationships that can become physically abusive.

I remember this issue coming up in a previous thread. Whilst I believe that people can change themselves if they really want to, the nice/nasty stuff is a deep rooted dynamic.

I think that you did the right thing.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen.

You know this actually turned out to be very interested. He turned out to be a compulsive liar. He lied about *everything*, literally everything that he ever told me. After much pain, I am so glad that this relationship is now part of the past.