[Wants2Fly]

Two years ago, I was suddenly abandoned by the man I'd been with for 15 years. Yeah, yeah, I know everyone here has heard this 8 zillion times, but I am trapped in the tape.

I used to tell this man that he was "the best person I'd ever known." He was kind and usually generous of spirit. My family loved him so much that my mother cried when she learned he was gone.

He left 5 weeks after I was diagnosed with a lifetime illness and lost my job -- a job that was supposed to purchase his freedom from his.

As I called his oldest friends, I learned that no one knew where he was. I asked if they had known this was going to happen, and they said no. One woman had her husband -- a friend who is like a brother -- call him to talk to him.

His phone calls were coming from Monterey (hey, I'm an ex-reporter, I know how to trace an area code). And it started to register that he had a friend from college there, whom he'd been comforting because, coincidentally, her husband of 15 years left her.

I asked him if he was living with her. He denied it vehemently. I emailed her with the question; she gave a slimy double-talk answer. I repeated the question and she never responded.

It's taken this long using inexpensive internet public records searches, but I've finally tracked down his Monterey address -- and there is no surprise ending to this story.

Only the surprise that upon confirming what was obviously a lie from the start, all the pain has come up again.

I have been so terribly hurt by all this,I honestly don't see how I can ever have an intimate relationship again with a man. It's hard enough for a middle-aged woman to have a romantic relationship, and one who looks upon intimacy with a male as repugnant is hardly a candidate for romance.

And yet I feel cheated by my feelings. I don't want to have these feelings that I hope he burns in hell forever. I don't want to believe that all men are untrustworthy dog turds. Because that means that I am the one who is burning, doesn't it?

How do I get past this? How oh how?

[nothemama8]

{{{{{{{{{Wants2Fly}}}}}}}}}

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( wants2 )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm so sorry.

[nightdream]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Wants2Fly }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry for your pain!
nightdream

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((( wants2 ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you don't come close to whining! i'm so sorry that you're not feeling well.

finding out what you've found out has reopened your wound, and it's so painful. i hope how soon that it will be able to scab over a bit for you again.

i'm so sorry, hon.

kd

[Wants2Fly]

Thank you, Night dream and Kimmy dawn. I told the truth today to my friend who lives next door. She was completely non-judgmental about it. Didn't try to make me feel wrong for having gotten this information. I've stayed at her apartment and she knows I am constantly noodling around on the computer, and that this didn't happen as the result of obsession but is just part of my normal activities.

I am getting past it pretty well. Pray on it quite a bit. Knocked me for a loop at first.

Thank you for your love!

[yinperson]

hi wants to fly... I myself had an intimate love relationship with a young woman that I am still after 17 or 18 years working on and sorting out...(even though I have had another relation in meantime) The reason this relationship was important to me is because she was the only person I ever showed myself to in boundaryless intimacy... Came from family background of people afraid of intimacy... (or maybe fear of intimacy is the norm) It is not my goal, i don't think, to recapture this intimacy primarily just through humans... It just seems like most of us human beings at our present level of development are incapable of giving this kind of unconditional intimacy and love that spells safety, beauty. love, release bliss... Your lover fled intead of opening to the reality of pain illness loss (and its concomittant resonating death throes) etc he ran and is probably still running (aren't we all in one way or another) It is my contention (and the contention of all spiritual paths the world over) that the unconditional intimacy we seek is to be found in God the Beloved alone... We as humans in mature relationships can aspire together to this unconditional love and companionsip and intimacy but it is an aspiration that finds its fulfillment only in the Beloved of our Hearts... In other words the only true uncoditional intimacy between humans is when humans themselves have communed into Union with the Divine... And so If I were ever to counsel someone who wanted to be in relationship I would counsel them to put this higher Goal (which I believe is the Goal and purpose of human life and evolution) as first in their lives and to use the relationship as a way to work through and grow into the Divine together and then bring this union more greatly into the world... So a person would want to make sure that their partner as well has unconditional intimacy as a goal(everybody does but some are more willing to work through the obstacles) and realizes that most of we humans have not achieved this goal yet and that we need to work (prayer, intuition, meditation (especially), mutual service, willingness to sit with and work through fear depression anxiety hurt etc) in order to reach the goal of our heart... I also believe that as we grow in this Intimacy it begins to Embrace the entire world in its enveloped love... that this project for a limited personal intimacy will expand to include all in its purview... Anyways If I had such pain I would not run from it but would use it as a great opportunity and grace to open me in a greater way to Gods kind blessing and smile. Roger Walsh a psychiatrist and spiritual teacher in Essential Spiritualiy writes

"Ethical living heals our minds. Acts of forgiveness and helping are incompatable with feelings such as overwhelming anger and jealousy, so these emotions begin to lose their compulsive power"
and also
"to heal hatred begin by generating feelings of love and kindness toward yourself or someone you love (and to this I would probably add or God). When the positive feelings are strong, bring the person you dislike into awarenss and begin repeating the phrase (may you be happy, joyful, loving, and peaceful) with him or her in mind."

Paramahansa Yogananda a great person of God wrote that when we have negative thoughts about another we should think about all their good qualites etc until a more balanced perspective arrives. I am sure on the web there is a wealth of info on prayer, loving kindness meditation, tonglen , forgiveness meditation in general and the like... And always tune to the love of God would be my recommendation.... Because I see so clearly the Spirit origination and purpose and play of life- to me God is always the centeral aspect of the equation and the ultimate answer right now.

[Myzen]

Hi Wants,

I just read your post. You've had to deal with a big one and no mistake. That sort of betrayal would knock anyone down.

Two years is not a long time, and what you said about being 'trapped in the tape' feels familar to me for different, but similar, reasons. I have called it 'looping'.

I wish there was some way to make it alright for you, but all I can do is read your post and share some of the feeling, I hope it helps a little.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen.

[sherry13]

((((((((wants)))))))) i wish i has the answers you are looking for....i do know one thing from reading the post..you are a very caring person with a beautiful soul always there to offer support and you desreve the best life has to offer...and when you find your answers ,like many fo the rest of us are searching for ..we will find someone who is worthy of what we have to offer..someone that wont take away the beauty of our souls....with the lies and control of the constant question why....i guess it comes with healing...but i do know when i read your replies to post...i see i great person and that is you...

wantstofly, i've been divorced 15 years. i saw him for the first time about 3 months ago....he was driving behind me as i was going to work...what did i do? i burst into tears!! don't beat yourself up over your feelings. i had NO idea that i would REACT as i did.....i just did..i went with it and it really cemented my plans to get out of this town asap........good luck. xoxoxoxo pat

[Wants2Fly]

Myzen, Sherry 13, and Fayerody, thank you so much for sharing these authentic pieces of your hearts and lives with me. I am especially touched, Sherry, by all the nice things you wrote about me. Aw shucks.

Fayerody -- I had exactly that experience with a friend. We were driving someplace, and the man who was the love of her life passed us driving another car. "Pull onto a side street" she said and burst into hysterical tears.

It took a long time before she could stop gasping for breath and explain the situation to me. I'm glad you reminded me -- and Myzen too -- that these wounds are deep and can take a long time to heal, or at least wallpaper over so we can get on with life. And that I am not alone in this experience.

Thanks so much, everyone.

[Poppet]

((((((((((((wants2fly))))))))))))))

I have only just read your post and I am so sorry for whats happened. Its such a big deal that I don't know what to say other than that I am here for you as you have been for me.

The only thing i can say is 'time' and 'hope' - things do change eventually.

Warm thoughts.........Poppet