[MASIMO]

I emailed my T how much I care for him again, how I feel connected to him in a way I have with no other, how I long for his touch, a handshake, a hug. And that I respected him and didn't want to compromise our therapeutic relationship.. I'm stretching it there! How it's so hard to say good bye each week.

He responded with with this, "you will have a part of me that I feel comfortable in giving, keeping us honest...I am glad to have had you and your sharing...you deserve far more than I can grant however, and for that...you'll need even more courage..."

I'm looking for interpretation of his comment.

[PreacherHeckler]

Well, I would interpret that as needing the courage to go out into the world and get your needs met in ways that he can't provide for you as your T. That, to me, would be a healthy and logical suggestion for a T to make, so that's why I would interpret it that way.

[allme]

Yes I agree, he is telling you he is giving to you what he feels comfortable with as your t, and you need even more courage to go out there and have those needs met. Man how I wish my (ex) t responded in this way. Believe me, you don't want your t to respond in any other way than this. If he was unethical and acted on mutual feelings, pls believe me, it causes you a whole world of pain and your life will never be the same again. It's a dangerous game, one that you dont ever want to get into. But good for you speaking to him about it. I am just happy for you that he replied in this manner!

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I emailed my T how much I care for him again, how I feel connected to him in a way I have with no other, how I long for his touch, a handshake, a hug. And that I respected him and didn't want to compromise our therapeutic relationship.. I'm stretching it there! How it's so hard to say good bye each week.

He responded with with this, "you will have a part of me that I feel comfortable in giving, keeping us honest...I am glad to have had you and your sharing...you deserve far more than I can grant however, and for that...you'll need even more courage..."

I'm looking for interpretation of his comment.

Do you sense that he has has feelings for me?

[PreacherHeckler]

I think a lot of T's have "feelings" for their clients but I'm not sensing anything unusual in what he told you. It sounds like he has feelings that are within "normal" limits for a T and he's telling you that he will give what he feels is appropriate for a therapeutic relationship.

[swimmergirl]

(((((((Masimo)))))))))

I think a part of you is questioning what you feel FROM him. You know what you feel towards him and you are wondering about how he feels towards you? And of course we know why? (Duh, I hate it when they ask that question).
Do not question the caring, empathetic, supportive, unconditional nature of the feelings you feel from him in therapy. He cannot fake it. They are real. Let them into your heart. Let them help you get to a place of healing.
Remember, there are limits in the therapeutic relationship. If you knew him in real life, it would not be like this. You get the best of him for one hour a week. Him, at his best..........no dirty socks, no messy dishes, the whole focus is on you. Fantasy is always better than reality. NO ONE can live up to the reality.
He wouldn't be there to help you if he didn't care. He wouldn't spend an hour a week with you if he didn't care. He probably wouldn't even be a therapist if he didn't want to help people. Yes, he gets paid..........but he cares. I can feel it in his response to you. But to keep you safe, to keep himself safe..........it has to stay within the safety net of the T relationship. I have experienced similar situations with transference feelings with T. And I got to a point where I realized I really want T to be my T............not anything else in my life, because the T relationship is very very special, highly symbollic............the feelings are real, for him, from him............but it would be MUCH MUCH different in the real world and you would lose what you have in therapy with him. A good book to read is In Session by Deborah Lott. That may help you.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

(((((((Masimo)))))))))

I think a part of you is questioning what you feel FROM him. You know what you feel towards him and you are wondering about how he feels towards you? And of course we know why? (Duh, I hate it when they ask that question).
Do not question the caring, empathetic, supportive, unconditional nature of the feelings you feel from him in therapy. He cannot fake it. They are real. Let them into your heart. Let them help you get to a place of healing.
Remember, there are limits in the therapeutic relationship. If you knew him in real life, it would not be like this. You get the best of him for one hour a week. Him, at his best..........no dirty socks, no messy dishes, the whole focus is on you. Fantasy is always better than reality. NO ONE can live up to the reality.
He wouldn't be there to help you if he didn't care. He wouldn't spend an hour a week with you if he didn't care. He probably wouldn't even be a therapist if he didn't want to help people. Yes, he gets paid..........but he cares. I can feel it in his response to you. But to keep you safe, to keep himself safe..........it has to stay within the safety net of the T relationship. I have experienced similar situations with transference feelings with T. And I got to a point where I realized I really want T to be my T............not anything else in my life, because the T relationship is very very special, highly symbollic............the feelings are real, for him, from him............but it would be MUCH MUCH different in the real world and you would lose what you have in therapy with him. A good book to read is In Session by Deborah Lott. That may help you.

I have wonderful fantasies with him...I say with not about because I really feel like I have been with him after I have had an erotic experience with my silent lover. I dont want to loose what we have but its so hard to not want to be with him outside the patient/T relationshp. I have a hard time trusting my instincts about things because my husband has screwed with them for so many years. However, as a woman, I think I can still sense when there is chemistry between me and a man, even passing a stranger on the street, you can just feel it. My T has said he cares for me, has said I am attractive numerous times but only when he is trying to build me up or plant the seed that I could have a relationship with another man if I left my husband. He mentioned whimsically that he wished he could have me experience some things in the world that might help my anxiety.
That if he were retired, if it weren't unethical, illegal, he would love to take me to such a place. This got me thinking about him taking me away with him. (he's not married but has a long term partner)

I dont know for sure, but my instinct say he is a little more attracted to me than he should be....or is there anything wrong with that? He has been nothing but professional with me. Although he does self disclose too much.

[MASIMO]

Well I had my session with my T yesterday. First one since our email.
I was wondering what he would do, how he would address my needs
and his "giving me what he felt comfortable giving"

At the end of our session, he extended his hand to help me get up
and said, "give me your hand" and then he said "give me your body"
and we had a very brief 2 second hug. Then it was like nothing had happened. He followed me out of his office.

I felt so comforted, a little taken back by the "give me your body"
but I think he is having a hard time dealing with my transference issues
in the most tactful way. He probably should have asked for a "hug."
Of course I'd be happy to give him my body! Should I read any more into this than he cares for me and is giving me what I asked him for?
It felt sweet and caring, not like he was trying to take advantage of me.

[swimmergirl]

Hi Masimo,

I'm going to try to answer you last two posts. I don't think there is anything wrong with him being a little more than attracted to you, after all he is human. Hopefully he is consulting your case with another T to help him with whatever countertransference he is having with you...........as from your posts it sounds like he is. This is not a bad thing, having countertransference, he just may need someone to help him stay objective.
With you second post, I think it is sweet that he gave you a hug. It sounds like he is walking that fine line between trying to help you with therapy vs. remaining professional quite well. It is obvious you are in heart over head. (((((((hugs)))))) That is a tough place to be. I think from you end, the fantasy, all of that is fine. It may help you heal. From his end, he needs to be very careful. I understand what you are saying that if you met in different circumstances, that you can sense the chemistry that is real, that is outside of therapy sort of thing. And I am not trying to invalidate that at all. However, at some point you have to accept the limits and the reality of the situation. If anything were to happen it would ruin his career and it would hurt you in ways you cannot imagine. If you are not sure about that, read on this thread about everyone who has had romantic relations with their T. How many of them ended up happily ever after? Maybe one. Do a search on google. There are therapists who specialize in helping clients who have had romantic relations with their therapist. That is how traumatizing it is to them. Part of your feelings are real, part are symbollic. Your T can help you with both..........within the safety of the T relationship. Trust me, trust me...........once you get into the real world it is much different. Who wouldn't fall in love with someone who gives you their undivided attention, who is on their best behavior, it is all about you, maybe he is even handsome? And the person seeing that T is starving for that attention, that is part of why they are in therapy in the first place. And that is why it happens so often, is almost normal. However, in the real world he would still have all the power. I think you might be caught up in that fantasy of someone who can take care of your every need(I totally get that). Reality hun, is that that person does not exist. It sucks. The pain is excrutiating at times. But your T does care............it sounds like he does a lot. Let him help you in the way that he is best trained and able to do so. If you really care for him and you want to pursue something outside of therapy, find another therapist, wait the required amount of time per the law where you live(at least 2 years) and at that point you are free to pursue what you want. It may happen, it has before, but I guarantee you it will be different. I have experienced feelings for both of my Ts and I guarantee you I would not trade that for ANYTHING because those relationships were so different from anything I have experienced. I take the good with the bad. The closeness with the knowledge that at some point it will end. I hope this helps you.

[MASIMO]

This sounds so painful, the closeness with the knowledge that it will end....I know it will end but I choose not to think about it or accept it right now. You give good advise, but I have rose colored glasses on at the moment. I hope I dont push him to far. He has given me the gift of safe touch, but it would be very easy to just hold onto him the next time he hugs me.
I have to take some responsibility for my actions....I dont want to jeopardize his career. I guess what I really want to hear is how he honestly feels about me.
But perhaps I wouldn't like the answer. He may say he doesn't have feelings for me beyond just being a patient and that would hurt. Its confusing!

[swimmergirl]

((((Masimo))))

It's okay to have rose colored glasses to have on if it helps you to cope. Don't think about the ending, that will hurt your therapy. It is totally normal to ask him how he honestly feels about you. If you are not too shy, ask him in therapy. I would approach it very carefully though..........he might pull back a little if he senses that you sense his feelings. I would just say something like.......Do you care about me? And if he asks why, say I struggle with having these feelings for you and not knowing how you feel about me is tough because I already know you mean more to me than I do to you, but it would be nice to know if you do care, that you are here for the right reasons sort of thing. Of course you know he is but that might be a good way to start it...........Of course he may ask Why do you care what I think and want to explore that avenue as well? But I think it is worth the risk for you. It would also be a good time to let him know attached you are him in, in a safe way, and ask him to please not pull back as you need that right now? Just a thought.

[LavalampTerry]

I've come to the conclusion that I will probably be in love with my T forever. From our work together - and the bond we've created, she'll ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. She HAS SAID to me that she has had countertransference issues with me. She says I'm handsome. She said to me "I love you, how could I not." She has told me "I see you as looking to be loved - and to love." We hug at the end of each session. Long, passionate (for ME anyway!) tender hugs that make the day!! I sometimes find myself "nuzzling" in her hair.... (Gotta watch that!)

And yeah, she's given me the same message you got. She DOES care for me - even LOVES me. But, as my therapist, can only give me SO MUCH of what I need - and DESERVE. Our work has been - and will continue to be - going out in the world and trying to get ALL THE REST of what life has to offer. From someone who's capable of providing it.

All I know is that when I'm with her I can EXHALE!!! Just BE! Without fear of judgement or disapproval. And what is so wrong with envisioning a life like that???!! With the person who provides that feeling.

But I know it won't happen. I know it CAN'T happen.

Hence the problem...

Good luck. Heck, good luck to ALL of us.