He dumped me

Lynn thank you for saying this. It hurts when one is only trying to help someone to be insulted....I think I was called a pig also.
allme the rotten apples simply want peace away from this man for you. If that makes us rotten, so be it.

I am ignoring my own good advice to others to simply not engage with this kind of stuff but now that three of you have chimed in to share more of your displeasure with some of the folks here I feel compelled to ask for it to stop before it gets any more out of control

If you guys really want peace and not your own reasons to play the victim than perhaps you should think about brushing off and checking at the door before you come in, any sense of being insulted. I and others who are staying focused on Allme are trying to ignore with the hope the discord will go away.

This is getting really old and hard to stomache actually. Please.... enough already!!

ps.... if anyone feels compelled to comment on this post please be considerate enough of the OP and others here to do it with a PM. Please.

Sanityseeker,

Who put you in charge of this this thread? Why do you think it's okay to judge what is the right way to support others? Everyone has a right to respond as they see fit. And no, I don't want to respond to you in pm.

Allme, I agree with Doc John that there is a power differential within the therapeutic relationship and that you are not to blame for this situation. But people are trying to help you and are concerned about you. You can take your power back by getting the help of another therapist, one that has experience with therapist's who abuse their clients. And then report him. I know it's much easier said than done, but I know you can do it!

Can't we just all get along? This is allme's life here in this thread. While for those who feel attacked, it's just one thread on an isolated section of a large forum with thousands of people. You have not been defamed. I hardly doubt any one cares what was said in response to your alternative viewpoints. Please understand that allme did not appreciate your comments and let it go. People can disagree, and it can be okay. Disagreements can be said in heated exchange, and it can still be okay. No one is judging you for having alternative viewpoints. Those who have spoken for allme, including myself, are only asking you to reconsider.* You are not helping allme by returning here and posting again. The point of this thread again is to SUPPORT allme, not vindicate your viewpoints.

Please lets just all get long. Hugs to you Allme!

*I haven't read all the most recents posts.

I have spoken to allme in PM and I think we've come to understanding. If this is allme's thread, let allme make choices.
I don't understand why some of you still believe we are attacking allme? We are angry at her circumstances. It may have sounded tough, but I want the best for her.
Personally I hope you find a way to get out of this mans clutches ,allme.

From what I understand there were comments posted that were not very nice and they were removed. I didn't want allme to focus on those comments. allme is a victim here and my understanding was that comments were made suggesting otherwise.

I am not pointing at the helpful people with helpful concerned comments. Why I am now being pounced on and people are inserting themselves as the so called bad apples is beyond me.
I do not know who made the comments it was my understanding that they were removed.
My reference to bad apples were to the comments that were deemed offensive I was not calling people bad apples.

Sorry allme, my post seemed to pull your thread away from what really matters, YOU.

I hope the focus goes back to that.

Open Eyes

Allme -

Thank goodness for DocJohn. Absolutely correct in all he said. Reagrdless, support is needed. It is very hard for people to put aside their own triggers to a situation and just be supportive, hence, why everyone is now caught up in semantics and names they feel they have been called, etc.

I am here if you want to chat and in a very different situation in moving forward in a relationship with my ex-T to the point we are house shopping now and forming a very different and new relationship. As I said in my update post, this road I took is not advised, is arduous, heartbreaking at times and simply my journey, right, wrong or indifferent.

Marie (from this board) and I are close friends and she has been on the rollercoaster with me and despite her feelings, all I ever get is support, an ability to bounce ideas off of her, empathy to the nth degree, you name it.

I would hope Doc John's post will only promote well meaning posts in the future filled with support. It takes special people in life to really put aside their own baggage and hang ups and be a supporter in tough situations....hopefully you have found a few special ones on here.

Chin up and hang in there!

openmind

i dont understand the negative and unhelpful comments on this thread, to me it seems crystal clear, the therapist is responsible, 100000%, there is no question, the client should be able to feel or say anything at all, and the therapist should take responsbility for holding the proper boundaries....... end of story.

to make suggestions that the client has somehow failed to take advice, that they should walk away, report them, etc etc, after they are already in complete despair, i can only compare to loading up a drug addict with drugs, til they can simply no longer live without them, then suddenly saying they should give up..... just like that..... its not that easy....... once you are in "it", the way out is a very very very difficult path, even when you have an ethical therapist, letting go would be beyond hard, without one, i would imagine it would be pure hell...............

Allme, i really hope you find a resolution to this painfully difficult situation..... and i hope that you can take away from it, that none of it is your fault, not one single bit.

Nikki

Oh wow....thanks to all...I can see that this has become heated as before..and I also understand how it is triggering ppl. Those who are supporting me and speaking up for me...hoestly, I cannot describe my thanks! As advised, I am not going to reply to what I deem unhelpful...it just thorws gas onto the fire and I dont want this to become a battle...as Sanity Seeker posted earlier...it should be a joinging of hearts I am also aware that there may be ppl who are in the same situation reading these posts...so please, also think about them too.

I haven't checked my email today...and I havent got round to starting a new account. But what is even more worrying for me right now, I have slipped into hypomania and I am feeling wonderfully energetic and optimistic and today I have been soooo productive! I have called old friends and arranged to meet them next week....I have open unopened mail and made phone calls to debtors....and have filled my diary for the next month....so anyhow, red lights are flashing and I must be very careful as while I am manic...i am wreckless...and I know this. I have already spoken t my CPN today about it and I already have an appointment with pdoc to look at my meds anyway so all she could do was talk with me. And in this conversation she asked me how this may effect my situation with ex t. I said I didnt know...and well thats because I dont! yes I become wreckless but I think if I try to stay grounded and keep posting here I will be ok. So I have made an agreement with myself that if I become ANY way tempted to email or txt him....i will come here. Now, this is where it all went wrong for me before and this is where ppl here became annoyed.....I would become 'unstable' come back here and declare my love for him again. I dont want this to happen but i need to be honest and say that yes, there may be a possibility that i will say 'oh but I think I love him' If I do...pls understand that I am not thinking straight and will snap out of it. Its complicated when I am high and wreckless.....however, i have a great CPN and have found great support here so I am optimistic.

A part of me wants to delete all i have just written in fear of negative comments...pls dont....or maybe I am being paranoid.

And hi Nikki...thanks for your post I really appreciate it! More friends the better right now

I love you guys

So good to hear from you allme. I was starting to fret with all kinds of imaginings.

Hypomania! Ekks! Interesting timing. I could be delusional... won't be the first time. lol... but I have oftened wondered if the flip into hypomania isn't itself triggered by the degree of stress, anxiety, depression one is coping with. Like some kind of internal defense to distance oneself from the overwhelming pain of spinning in circles. I have observed this pattern of sorts in my own mood swings. My thought processes, my lack of energy, my sense of concern, worry, fear, helplessness, hopelessness and on and on just get turned off as mania clicks in to vanish them from my consciousness. Its like an on button is pushed and things zoom up the scale the other way. Everything starts to come up roses. It feels too good to be true and too good to give reason any kind of an opening to attempt to bring it all down a knotch.

It is as you say a risky state and knowing the conseqences, not just intellectually but emotionally we can learn to give proper heed to the warning signs.

I have set out some 'rules of hypomania' for myself. Too many times I have walked into quick sand simply because I had misjudged my capacity to tread lightly and walk safely. The dialogue without the list often goes something like this...."Awe.... its no big deal! I can handle this just fine. Nothing is going to happen. I know my limits." Then off I go to tempt fate one more time.

I have listed places I can't go when in a hypomanic state. People I can't see, things I can't do. Indulgences I can't have etc etc.... Having the list means I don't have to rely on myself when manic to make decisions that can affect my safety. And the safety of others for that matter. lol.

I have designed a few other manic safe guards over the years too. It was hard at first to apply them. I wasn't the most willing participant. It is so contrary to the thoughts of mania to actually abid by rules when one is just itching to break or at least test every rule in the book. There is just so much excitment to being a rule breaker it can really be a challenge to keep conscious of why I made the rules.

Anyways.... sorry for the long wandering there. You just had me thinking about the deceptive side of mania and how critical it is to do what ever it takes to restrain the urges and reframe the thinking. Maybe restrain is too strong a word since when in a manic state, restrain is a four letter word. lol. But reframe fits. It is like having a prepared tape in your head that beeps when there is deception leading into potential danger zones. The message on the tape says to back away when the beep goes off. It reminds you there will be consequences that will shatter you if you don't pull back on the reigns. Along with my list of do's and don'ts I have collected a bunch of options for when I back away. I can't back away without having already determined where I will back away to. I haven't the capacity to actually listen to the tape and then determine how to back away. Where to retreat to do the work of refocusing. Because I am so settled by nature my first target is always to get out side and focus on something, anything in nature that can break the spell. That can draw me to a quieter and slower place. There the hypomania can have at her. There she is safe to get off on the beauty and be thrilled by the majesty. To simply and freely and safely enjoy the wonderful side of mania.

Oh gee.... got rambling again. I trust it is for some reason. At least that is how I excuse my lack of editing skill. lol

No doubt it was to reinforce what you have already said allme and even suggest you may want to put stronger precautions in place right now. Your vulnerabilities at this time are as tough as they get. You can't take the danger of this state lightly especially in light of your vulnerability towards your ex-t. You know the warning signs, you know your vulnerabilities right now and you know that mania can have a life of its own when fired up.

I hear you taking some precautions and it is not my place to determine if they are sufficient right now. Even so it is always wise to ask yourself and maybe ask others, your t, your CPN for input to decide if you really have put in place enough precautions to keep the door to your vulnerabilities bolted.

The warning lights are flashing. Enjoy the energy and the optomism but 'moderation' needs to be your mantra right now. Keep safe my friend. Walk knowingly.

Thanks SS always appreciate what you have to say....and I want to give some big hugs to Open Eyes.....much love to you too, thanks for everything! I aprreciate you being here and I appreviate your support!

I was watching my husband as he was feeding the fish in our pond...I felt a great warmth and love....and a bond that was everlasting. We have been through so much together and yet here we are still in love. He loves me for who I am, and I am his number 1 in life......he is there when I am sad and he is there when I am happy....he is there for me no matter what. Yes, we have had our problems over the past 12 yrs, but evey porblem we managed....the stronger we reunited.. SO my point is....what on earth was I thinking getting involved with a man that has no time for me, unless it suits him, shows no 'REAL' love and just strung me along....emotionally. He has no real care for me, it wouldnt matter to him if I was upset.....actually, he doesnt give a damn about me!

I have to hold on to what REALLY matters and who REALLY love me...they are the ppl that count....not some narcisist who gets kicks out of my idolising him and jumping at his every whim.

I vote for true love...the love I have with my husband, nothing can replace that feeling. Yes I cheated on my husband and although its classed as abuse from his side,...a part of me will always feel responsible....I just cant help that. However.....I plan to put right alll that I did wrong and for that I am proud of myself. Ok, I havent done anything yet (ie telling my husband) but the initial thought is there and as I grow stronger...I will put it right with my husband. He deserves more than this....and this is love...not what I had with ex t.

Love to you all

feeling a bit down today.....felt wonderful yesterday. Anyhow, I havent received any new email from t and I havent made any contact. Again this morning, I looked at my husband and repeated to myself, this is where the REAL love is. I admit, having to cease all contact with ex t...at times....is like a knife through the heart..but I have to also remind myself....none of that was real love and no good has and never will come out of it.

So now I am looking to within my inner world and why the transference happened in the first place. But, that is not for me to deak with alone. I have an app with CPN on Monday and I and going to ask to see a therapist to help me with these unresolved issues. I also have alot of resentment towards my mum and dad.....but thats another story.

Anyway...just thought I would check in. Hope you are all well

Sounds like you are feeling better ALLME. Great to see! I do take issue with one word you used in a previous post. It might seem a bit "nit picky" but I thought I'd mention it...

You said you "cheated" on your husband. Now, I don't know how far it got with former "T" and I shouldn't know. That's nobody's business but your own. But if it was as you described - an emotional attachment that seemed to be shared that went too far (with both of you) then I'd question whether the word "cheat" is appropriate.

Did I - or more accurately should I ask - am I cheating on my wife when I have "impure thoughts" about my T? When I see us together living a life? When I imagine the strength, support, guidance, and unconditional love she offers me 1 hour a week as the life I might have if I were with her 24/7?

I know some might think I am being "emotionally unfaithful" to my wife. I sure tell myself that sometimes! I'm assuming from what I've read that some here would agree as well... But from what I've been able to gather by talking to my T - listening to others like me who have experienced - or are expperiencing - this thing called transference - and some personal soul searching - I've come to the conclusion - for me - that the feelings I've had and are still having for my T are not only typical for someone with my history, but to be expected. And that - if explored properly - can be a catalyst to getting to the root of why I'm in therapy in the first place and in turn bring about miracluous changes in my life.

Sure is a different "spin" on this whole concept of "cheating" on our spouses, huh? They're just feelings allme. Fellings born from a lifetime of abuse - neglect - or events I can't imagine. And as far as I know it, we can't control our feelings....If anybody has a way of doing that -- I'M IN!! Send me a PM & I'm there!!

So we go to people who we think we can trust with the feelings that have brought us there - and the reasons behind them. And we trust these people and pour our hearts out to them and in many ways are more intimate with them than we are with our own spouses at home. And in MOST cases we get the help and guidance we need and off we go to a better life - with those people closest to us.

But in some cases that trust is betrayed and not only are we not helped - but further damage is piled on top of what we were already bringing with us. Just as I've learned we can't control our feelings - we also can't control others' responses to us. For all those who know me now and respond in kind, gentle ways - I love you for that. But for those who respond with judgement, critizism, or a sideward glance - that's more a reflection of YOU than it is ME. Shame on you. And I'm sorry you can't seem to grasp the concept of "Live and Let Live."

I think you're doing GREAT allme! You've learned a powerful lesson, I think, in the last few weeks. Both in what you need to do and what you need NOT to do. That's how this all works, doesn't it??

Take good care today. And go kiss the hubby!!!!

Hi Lavalamp my friend!

My definition of cheating, in relation to me and my ex t.....was the physical contact we had...kissing and hugging,, that never went further.

The love I held for my t before he crossed the line with me, I do not deem as 'cheating'.......it was transference which he used against me to manipulate me into thinking it was real love FOR HIM...as if I was 'inlove' with him. Dont get me wrong, the clean love that a therapist and client hold for each other is real and ppl flourish in such love in therapy. But, if lines are crossed.....the edges of the love become blurred and 'unclean' I hope I am making sense

So no, if we had not crossed that line and that love was contained and used for me to grow, I would not have thought of it as cheating.

How complicated! !!

How are you my friend?

Just a quick hello. I am spent today after a long couple of days at work. Thinking of you and wishing you only the very best. Take good care.

I gotcha. I still struggle with thinking of my T in "romantic" terms is somehow being disloyal to my wife - eventhough I know it's just the transference at play. And the one time me and my T have any pyhsical contact is our hugs at the end of sessions. Very professional & ethical.

In any event I'm glad your feeling better - maybe he's backing off - and you can get on with the business of finding a more suitable T for yourself.

As you why I'm your friend - that's easy! I see all of us here as sorta like passengers on the Titanic who find themselves in a lifeboat. Trying to be saved from terrible experiences and their after affects. Eventhough our backgrounds make us disagree sometimes about the "right" way of doing thhings, there's still that common purpose of trying to be saved. So the meer fact that I met you HERE makes you my friend. Because your trying to do what I'm trying to do. Be saved. And, besides, you've done nothing in eyes to help me to see you as anything other than a descent human being with a family who is trying to make sense of it all so she can put the ghosts of the past to rest and enjoy her life. How couldn't most people be drawn to that??

Good luck allme. To all of us.

Hi Terry.....

Well, today was a good day, I didn't wake up thinking about 'him' and have been really concentrating on my marriage and enabling it to 'heal'. I have many things to be thankful for within my marriage and I think, I am truly now, on the path to 'letting go' of ex t. I am not totally there yet, but feel i have reached a point where I will not 'physically' return to him. yes, he may intrude some of mu thoughts...but thats about as far as it will ever go now. I feel I am moving on. Day by day, step by step!

Good for you, Allme!

That's awesome allme!! Yes. One Day At A Time. We'll get there!

It is good to hear you are focusing your love on your husband. It isn't easy to trust those who love us unconditionally. You know you have a gem of a man. You have been through a lot together. This may be something you can talk about with your therapist. The dynamics of a marriage that has endured one season of crisis and one life altering storm after another. It changes how the relationship moves forward from each crisis. It creates vulnerabilities.

From my own experience the baggage from one crisis carried forward into the next. The emotional separation became wider as crisis reframed our relationship but we didn't acknowledge it and face it together. Marriage is tough at the best of times. We always hear that but we can't know it until the worst of times hit. And if they hit again and again we change who we are and it changes how we relate to one another and it changes our behaviours and even our values.

You often mention an interest in couples therapy. Is it just to get the white elephant out of the room and reveal the whole truth about your ex-t? Is it not also a cry to find that trust and intimacy with your husband again in a way that will hold you together? In a way that will free you from all vulnerability to turning to your e-t to fill some deeper hole. Not just for a season but for a lifetime. Could at be that a part of you knows that your vulnerability to the transferance issues could happen again with different players if you can't let your husband stand with you and be your healthy source. As much as we don't want to acknowledge the needs as legitimate when they are being filled like a fix.... like a drug... from dysfunctional and 'morally unthinkable' means. We tend to focus on the behaviour and not the cause.

I am rambling but the more I think about your situation the more I wonder if because of the gravity of the behaviour and the severity of the conseqences the focus is too much on those aspects and not enough of what is underlying, what is motivating, what is drawing a good person into the situation at hand.

I think one can get caught up in life, in therapy, focusing on the now and not enough of what brought us to the now. Especially when the now is filled with drama. I understand that therapy beyond the drama is intended to help a person understand the now in a context that examines the past. How well that can be done when the elephant in the room continues to hog the process is probably questionable.

Anyways.... I have never had the benefit of on-going therapy. Even when I have saught it out it seems to elude me. It befuddles me. I hear people talk about therapy sessions and about having a therapist available for months and years at a time to help them work through issues in their lives over the short and long term. I guess I am jealous and I know I feel denied and left out. I am digressing....

I was just trying to qualify any comments I make about what goes on in therapy with the truth that I don't really know what I am talking about. lol. I can only speak from what I think goes on and how it is intended to help people. To help people recognize how their present behaviours and vulnerabilities are connected with events from their past. To behaviours learned from dysfunction.To help people determine what they need to do to change dysfunctional dynamics and consequently how to respond differently with a healthy awareness. To get to a place where it is no long default to behave in the more familiar dysfunctional ways.

I am not sure now what I am saying.... I think it is to suggest that by focusing soley on the dysfunctions now.... the immediate crisis.... the undeniably distructive draw to your ex-t even in the context of transferance language... isn't really the primary issue. It is about why you are vulnerable to these kinds of evil-doers. Again I am no expert but it seems reasonable to think that not everyone is going to be easily maniupulated and victimized by the evil-doers. It seems to me victims would all share a particulare MO. It is that MO that is the primary interest. Not the outcome as much as the variables that contribute to that outcome.

Oh enough of my babble.... the bottom line to what I am attempting to say is this... look at your pattern..... you crash in the pain of whatever dynamics is playing out in your head and in your heart between you and the evil-doer..... then you get up and stand strong with some new resolve to separate yourself.... then you experience some better focus and you feel you have a crasp only for the old reasons of the attachment to drag you right back to square one.

I love that you are feeling more focused. Don't get me wrong. I just feel this niggle of worry that it is part of the cycle that could well repeat itself if a different approach is not taken in your therapy. If you are not given a different set of skills, a different understanding etc that can actually give you something new to work with. Will power to 'do what is right' to 'say no to doing wrong' is not enough. It never works. What works is to 'transfer' an attachment from 'wrong' to that which is 'right and good' or better said that which is 'healthy' so that one is not vulnerable based on old tapes. Healthy choices trump unhealthy and your needs are met in a way that bring light and beauty into your life.

Hey

I have attempted before to try and understand myself and 'patterns'...especially in relation to 'crushes'. And I believe I am somewhat close to the root of the 'whys' but there is no way of telling if I am right in my own theories. Thank you for pulling my attention back to the root of what is at the core of all of this. Maybe now is a good time to explore further.....

I suspect that is why a therapist is so value in the process. Self examination can only go so far. We usually can't be very objective about ourselfs. We need other persectives to help us figure things out.

Are you any closer to finding a new T. How did your appointment with your health care worker go today?

hey havent even tried re a new 't'......or even go any further re couples counselling. I feel as though I am trying to catch up on myself....does that make any sense? It's 3am here in the UK and have been up thinking and then thinking some more. I started getting aggitated. Pins and needles in my hands, palpatations and started to panic.... so sat in the garden for a while wrapped in my night gown. The anxiety was getting quite bad and I have run out of my sleeping aid. i have taken a months worth within 1 week. I am sitting here wondering when is it going to stop? When will this pain go away? Not just speaking about ex t....but my bipolar and anxiety...it's non stop and I have just had enough. Up down, up down, up down down down It's just so tiring. Anyway, I had a heart to heart with my dad over the phone and told him about my situation....but as always he isnt there for me because my mum is ill ...when ill I mean mentally ill. She also has bipolar and whenever she is ill, me and my brother take a back seat. Its like this now and has always been this way. My dad would get me and my brother on side when we were little, to try and cheer her up. Sometimes after school I would come home and just see that look in her eye and hated it so much. My dad would come home and she would just cry and shout at him ....about everything and anything. They both make me so angry and upset.....if they were there for me maybe i would not have felt the need to sleep with men 10 yrs older than me when I was only 14....and whenever I slept with a guy, I would cry afterwards and feel so ashamed and guilty. I was around 15 and remember sitting there crying trying to tell my parents what a horrible slut I was ....I can't remember what happened after that or what they said....I just remember telling them I was no good and a terrible person. At the same time, I had a steady boyfriend beating the crap out of me and emotionally torturing me. sorry have to go