He dumped me

calista, my T calls me out for the same behavior over and over. She advises me how to respond better to the same situations over and over. I feel afraid shell abandon me or hate me, and she reassures me over and over. Still, I do the same behavior. I forget the advice. I get sad that she'll leave me because I am so hard to get along with.

It's not so simple to just advise someone. If it were, there would not be so many Ts, life coaches, counselors, and the like. If it were, people would be able to overcome their addictions easily. If it were, people wouldn't remain in abusive relationships.

I truly wish it were enough for people, especially myself, to only have knowledge and a "tool kit" for a happy, successful life. Unfortunately, it is not enough, and we must work hard everyday until life gets easier and new behaviors and ways of thinking become habit, replacing the not so helpful.

Cut allme some slack. Cut yourself some slack. Cut us all some slack. We're all only human here trying to improve ourselves, hoping that maybe the 10,000th time someone tells us something it'd finally click for us and everything will then be alright.

I probably should wait until I stop crying.... but wisdom does not prevail at this moment. I am allowing my emotions to give way....

I am sad for all you are going through with the twists and turns that have you really messed up right now. I am also very proud of how far you have come since you first started to share about this ongoing quagmire that has you powerless and trapped.

I have always believed you would find your way to the otherside in the time it would take. You are closing in on the finish line. It will come into view soon from the sounds of things.

The learning you have gained has changed your voice; the solutions coming into closer view for you are opening your eyes; the trusting support network that has formed around you is giving your strength and courage. You had none of thes things standing with you when you first shared about this painful experience.

You are not alone nor are you as powerless or weak as you feel you are right now. It may be hard to see or even feel any sense of power or overcoming capacity but it is in you. I see it and I believe in perfect time you will see it too.

You have survived more abuse in one short life than the average person could imagine. Even so, you continue to stand up, face the pain and find your way through it all. You will do it this time too.

Please let us know how you are doing since his latest email. Such crazy making games this narcissict is playing with you. I sense his days are numbered. If you can help prevent this from happening to anyone else that may well be your greatest release.

Be well my friend.

((((((((allme))))))))) Personally I think you should report him. You are the patient, he should have not crossed that patient therapist line. Your not being selfish by reporting him. If he has done this with you he will do it with someone else. That is not fair to someone who is in real need and may very well confuse the therapist as someone who they should be emotionally involved with.

So you have every right to be angry and feel hurt and invaded. Especially since you were coming off of an abusive relationship. Your therapist should be ashamed or made to be ashamed. Keep those emails, don't give him any more of your time, report him and move on, it will now be his problem to deal with.

And you should get refunded for any expense it causes you as well as perhaps finding yet another therapist to now deal with this issue.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Open Eyes

I had a therapist who was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He did things that caused me to become isolated from friends and family. I didnt have an affair with him, but I did have an unhealthy attachment that he exploited. When I told him I was uncomfortable with the transference and my dependence he got angry with me. I know what your going through and it sucks. My situation happened two years ago and it does get easier it just takes time. Im not going to say that Im not suffering still because I am, but I have learned from it and grown stronger. I know right now it doesnt feel like it, but you will grow from this and come out a better person. Dont listen to advice that hurts you, they are looking at it in hindsight. They dont mean to hurt you, they are just looking at it from a different perspective. Some people also dont know the amount of power and emotional hold a therapist can have on a client. You should report him. Do not send him back the emails he sent you telling him you can turn him in. He can turn that against you. But he emotionally raped you and you have every right to turn him in espeically because he will do it to someone else and one day he may do it to someone who isnt as strong and he is going to end up causing someone to hurt themselves or worse. My former therapist got angry with me for being suicidal and because of that it pushed me over the edge and I almost died. Therapists have a lot of power, but it can be taken away. You can take the power he holds over you away from him. Just stay strong and keep yourself safe. I just want you to know that I know exactly how you are feeling and my heart hurts for you. Please know that it gets better and he is not worth it.

I forgot the hugs lol

I had hoped once DocJohn chimed in that the roller coaster ride this thread has been on would come to a stop. I hoped it would result in this thread better meeting the needs and interests of Allme at this point in time. It didn't work out that way.

I won't believe any malice was intended by those folks who, from my perspective come across as quick to judge and slow to empathize. I do believe the old adage.... 'don't judge until you have walked a mile in another person’s moccasins'. Some of these folks are my friends and I know they have loving hearts and offer self-less support to many in the PC community. This thread has not been their finest hour.

I have learned along the way that there is a best and worst ‘way’, and a best and worse ‘time’ to transition from comfort to advice. When someone is in pain, immediate crisis, cognitively confused, emotionally high strung, spiritually weak, physically drained... it is the time for hearts to meet. Not minds. It is a time for the ministry of love and compassion to ease the hurt. Not a dwelling on the details of any particular circumstance to assign blame. As the cognitive capacities return and the emotions settle back down then and only then can the intellect join the discussion.

I do want to believe everyone has attempted to offer 'support' in their own way. Nevertheless, if your words have only caused Allme to experience more hurt then I would ask you to cease and desist. Shuffling the words without changing the message is not going to change the effect or the outcome.

I would also ask you Allme to do your best to not engage if someone offers up something that triggers a strong negative reaction from you. To leave their stuff with them. To only ‘take’ what serves your interests now, at this moment in time.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation about anything Allme. Anyone who needs an explanation isn’t going to be of much use to you right now. You don’t need to exert the energy and risk the consequences of those kinds of lengthy and volatile engagements with people.

The rage we direct in these kinds of instances seem like another of those transference things. Geesh!! We can’t direct it where we want to direct it so before we know it we are directing it to the first person who gives the rage an opening. No one here should be surprised by that. I know the cycle all too well when it comes to redirecting my rage when my desired target is out of range or too dangerous for me to approach with rage. Look out world!

If you do one act of kindness for yourself Allme make it to only allow things in right now that lift you up and restore you to the strong, able and beautiful woman you are. You may be down but you are not defeated. Spend some time with us a the Walk in Beauty group. Give your spirit a break from the harsh realities of life and walk with us in the beauty all around us, in us and expressed in all of creation.

Blessings to all.

Allme.... firefly

Thank-you for this - it has touched me deeply.

((((((SoupDragon)))))) Thank you for sharing your response to my post with me.

May you walk in beauty.

wow that was very hertfelt SS ......you have been one of my greatest friends here and I thank you for that and I also want to thank new friends I have made during this journey.

Hmmm I was told I should aplogise to the ppl I lashes out at for not being sympathetic..however, I had already sent them a PM......the reason being, I believe this thread has touched them in some way and obvioulsy been upsetting. But at the same time, I would ask again.....pls don't post anything else here that isnt supportive...........reason being...I havent got the energy to explain ITS NOT MY FAULT. Pls read DocJohns post PLS read it and then if you feel the same...fair enough. I have enough to deal with and believe it or not, when ppls say things like 'it takes 2 to tango' ....well, it really distresses me and has me in floods of tears, especially when I know its not my fault. Somebody also asked why I kept seeinh him if I knew it was abuse....well, I was in a very physically and emotionally ausive realtionship for 4 yrs....why didnt I leave him? You see, its not as easy as just leaving the abuser. I just cant believe some of you cant see what happened and what is still happening to me.

So pls, before commenting anymore, reda DocJohns post on my thread....I cant stand to keep explaining myself..I am just looking for ppl who understand this transference thing and how if abused, what a disaster it leaves behind. If you have not experienced erotic transference, pls, do not leave negative comments.

And THANK YOU so much...the majority of you have said so many things that have touched my heart and I am very thankful for it.

I havent replied to his email. I deleted it. A part of me wanted to reply with anger....but then, I thought why waste my breath...he will only try and get round whatever I say and manipulate me. So, if he emails me again, I am going to just delete it without reading it.....omg that will be so hard to do....but I know I must. I think maybe by doing things like that (deleting his emails without reading) may give me back a sense of control.

Thanka again!

I am sitting here and it feels like my heart has fallen to the bottom of my stomache....to actually accept it was abuse is really really hard which is why I think I would always go back into denial and 'love him again'. Although that was painful in its own way....atleast I wasnt a 'victim' anymore and the bond that I felt with him justified that. What a mess

There is probably a way to block his emails from reaching your inbox. You might try to figure that out. Set him up as junk mail or put him on a block list. Cancel your email account and set up a new one that he doesn't know. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for more stress. You have to take control of this situation now and not continue to place yourself in a vulnerable position. It is good that you deleted his email without opening in, but if you keep seeing them there you may give in and open yourself up to more hurt. Delete his email address from your address book. Delete his phone numbers and block them so you can't receive texts or calls from him. CUT HIM OFF if you haven't done so already. Have absolutely NO FURTHER CONTACT with him, no matter how tempting it may be, unless it is through a lawyer.

I think the frustration for some is that you were given this type of advice a long time ago and you didn't follow through. We all saw the writing on the wall and it is crazy making to watch someone in self-destruct mode.

You may of been victimized, but you don't have to remain a victim. Hopefully, you will really take to heart what you have learned and take control of the situation. You CAN do that.

Thanks...and good thinking!

I understand how I may have frustrated some ppl I really do. But, really, I wasnt ready to 'let him go'. I know I was given the same kind of advice before, but if we could all just take advice and act on it, we wouldn't be here on this site. I see different boards with ppl asking for advice and then posting again with the same problem. It doesnt mean that person isn't listening, it just means that havent found their way though it and is far more complicated then just following some sound advice. I hope you understand what I mean. Believe me, if it was as simple as acting on good advice, I wouldnt be here and this would have ended a year ago. Sadly.... the situation wasn't and still isn't that easy.

But thank you for your advice.....I appreciate it all. And I am sorry for my little outbursts to those I deemed as unhelpful....I still find what you said unhelpful..but I could have dealt with it with more maturity. On the other hand I was emotionally charged, and I still am somewhat unstable. Been up and down all day. First crying..feeling upset, then comes the anger and then the pain and then upset again. At hits point right now, I feel exhausted, but in a strange way it feels good to feel exhausted....I guess thats because I then dont have the energy to feel sadness, anger etc...

Hmm one day at a time

That was BEAUTIFULLY said!!! Thank you SO MUCH for that!!

I understand your wanting to delete any future emails, but they MAY come in handy later should you decide to pursue this matter legally - or through his licensing board. They show a pattern of behavior - and are undisputable... Just a thought. For later... Just take care of YOU now. ((hugs))

Ooh yes....good thought!

Another thought.... (sorry). If the emails are too painful to receive &/or being tempted to open (understandably so!!), perhaps you could forward them to your new T - after explaining the situation - for safe keeping. No need to open -- just send 'em on...

Sorry if I'm badgering you with this. I just can't get that CREEP out of my mind and what he's done to a FRIEND of mine... When it's time (when you're ready) maybe he can be held accountable for his behavior. For the sake of future clients - and perhaps those in the past...

Take good care today. (((allme)))

((((allme)))))
I hope you are doing a little better today and I had no idea that you had bad responses. So please forget the rotten apples and only pick the good ones to feed your soul. And PLEASE, in no way blame yourself.

Lava had a very good idea about not deleting any emails. You don't have to read them but they could be useful in further showing his ways of manipulation and dismissal. Let him dig his own hole, you are going to be strong and move forward.

It is not always easy to point out the failings of others. But you are not only doing that for yourself but you are helping other potential innocent patients. I have been in situations myself where I was rightfully angry and stood strong. It can give you something that you never intended, how to learn to defend your rights as a person.
And the good apples here are all behind you and we are very concerned for you.
You can come anytime for support and we will be glad to help you get back on the path of becoming a stronger independant person. And YOU DO DESERVE TO GET THE HELP YOU NEED.

allme, sometimes we are presented with situations in life where we don't always know what to do. I am glad you were brave enough to present a situation that must have been very difficult for you to share. But you did it and you should be proud of that.
I am very glad that PC was here for you and that you have found support. I hope that the posts that are not supportive will be erased from your thread so you can continue to focus on the more educated postive input you deserve. Because you do have some wonderful supportive people who are here for you and a very nice group of people.

Feel free to express your concerns so we can all help you get through this. We all know that when we are upset we often don't think clearly and that is when we really need support.

Open Eyes

Lavalamp, what a great idea! Allme needs support not just in the virtual world, but with people in her real life. If she gets the support of a therapist she can be guided through this difficult process. This man needs to be STRUCK OFF, and Allme needs to find the strength to expose him. The fact is he will do this again to other vulnerable women... Allme, think how empowered you are going to feel when this man has been exposed. Think of the heart ache you'll save his girlfriend from when she realises what a nasty jerk she's with. Think how he'll feel when his lies blow up in his face, and he has to professionally and romantically explain what's been going on. You need to do this for you, and you need to do it for his future victims. Because you have been victimised.

Please do try your best to get the truth out there. This man is a user and abuser, and you will feel ten feet tall when you break his power over you by showing the world the truth.

I'm rooting for you here in England. I do think that you behaved in ways that look bad from the outside, but this man is a professional, he knows how to manipulate people with mental illnesses. That is exactly what he did to you... he manipulated you. If you report him then he is going to be investigated, and I bet you a hundred pounds they'll find him abusing other vulnerable women. He needs to be stopped, and believe it or not YOU are now the one with all the power. He's running scared, that's why he emailed you again. You be proud of yourself, you survived him. No matter what anyone says, no matter what judgements you find heaped on you, you came through his manipulation intact. Although severely tempted, you did not cheat on your husband. That speaks volumes. You already defeated this man's attempts on you. Stand up and fight for a little longer, and you'll bring him to his knees.

Thanks. Ever since I read this thread yeaterday it's been on my mind... That my FRIEND could have been victumized like this....

And - regardless of what anybody else thinks about her "participation" in all this - from where I'm sitting she was manipulated by someone who's JOB it is to manipulate people. I mean, isn't that what T's do? Manipulate us from where we are when we come see them to a healthier way of thinking, viewing, and participating in life?

YES, he needs to be held accountable for his behavior. And YES my friend will need to look at her part in all this - when she can - at a later date. But perhaps BOTH can come out of this better people. To have learned from their mistakes. My friend is already paying a terrible price and it sounds like she's learning. Maybe - if he too has to pay a price, he will learn as well...

Thank you Lavalamp for your comment. I think you have hit on an important concern. Redirecting the emails for safe keeping is a good idea I think.

Its a tough spot to be in Allme. Cut him off to get more distance or keep him digging himself into a darker hole to build more evidence of his ethical breaches. Or keep him within reach so you can backslide into his arms. Maybe ask your care giver to chime in on the subject and see what else might help.

I also like the idea of opening a new email account. Maybe keep the email address he has so you can collect potential evidence that you will send on to your new T. Notify everyone else of a change of email addresses and make it a new beginning.

I don't know anything about cell phones..... they drive me batty!! I mean BATTY!! The repeated ringing, the vibrating on the table, especially when they are suppose to be shut off can send me bolting for the door to manage my responses. I can only cope for so long before bolting is my only viable option. The rage sends me away, the anxiety melts me down and with the last fibre of my being I do the work of processing and recovering.

What drives me even crazier is when I am talking to someone and their phone rings. People will cut me off mid-sentence to answer the phone. To me that is beyond rude but more and more it is the norm. I don't stick around once I am pushed to the back of the line by someone on the phone. Just like call waiting.... ARRG!!.. if in the middle of a conversation someone asks me to wait to see who else is calling them.... I hang up.

Sorry for the digression. Oops! Anyways... maybe you can change your phone number is what I was going to say. lol.

I think anything that can help you detach is well worth doing. Your resolve comes and goes. You rise up in strength and see him for who he is and then you fall into mourning the needs only 'he' can fill. Unhealthy as they may be, as unhealth as you know they are, the draw to him overpowers everything else.

Its no different from any other addiction. An alcoholic knows what will happen if they take that drink. You know what will happen if you give into the urges to be with him. Addicts know the pain it will cause them and their loved ones if they succome to their addiction. You know the pain it will cause you and your loved ones if you submit to him.

Happily many people recover from addiction. You will too. Relapse is part of the process for many. Working through the steps to recovery can take a long time and will required the right kind of support to talk you down, help pass you through the times when your resolve is weakening. Group therapy, a buddy system, a circle of health care and family supports are all valuable component of addictions recovery.

Others my think I am stretching to make this kind of parallel connection. That aside I really do thing the biggest and probably most important difference for you this go around is the trusting support network that is around you. You were all alone with nowhere to turn before. Now you have places to turn. People you can trust to be in your corner through the long haul.

You will still have moments when you want to run away. You will still need to be pushed hard and you will be asked to face hard issues. But you will not be alone. You will be guided by people who know what they are doing and how to support you through the process.

Then you will experience the blessings of recover by leaps and bounds. All in their right and perfect time as you learn to do the work and you have some practice applying the new understanding and new methods of overcoming along the way.

Open Eyes - I don't think its right to refer to some members as rotten apples, just for stating a differing opinion. We all want this therapist to be reported and maybe some of us are frustrated this is still continuing.

This therapist is literally holding a life in his hands and tossing it carelessly around. The victim feels special at 1st and thinks its true love but its not. Maybe he has a string of women he's doing this to. How many victims lay in the wake of his so called therapy or ego stroking.

These rotten apples you talk about are actually angry at this man, who takes advantage of vulnerable women. He could even be risking their life if one of them commits suicide. These women aren't really special to him...they're simply objects.

If a young member were to post about being groomed by a pedophile - we would all push to call the police and be frantic for this potential victim....not just give supportive words. Reading a thread like that is hard because its like witnessing a crime waiting to happen. This is similar here - we keep hearng over and over how this evil man manipulates and toys with his ex patient. We also wonder how many other victims are out there and how many more will come.

This is why the rotten apples are bothered - not that we don't want peace for allme. I hope allme, you'll one day have a lightbulb moment in knowing this man wasn't a healer and he doesn't really care for you - he cares for himself. The rotten apples feel the OP needs to take the power back and prevent him from doing this again. Signed ~~~ one of the Rotten Apples

((( allme )))

I am so sorry that you're going through this. And I can imagine how difficult it is to feel such intense pain and betrayal. You have gotten some great feedback here, and I can very much relate to one thing in particular, as I have experienced it with my abusive ex-husband. When I was around him, or communicated with him in any way, it would stir up those feelings of guilt, sadness, love, etc. and it made it SO much harder to stay on track towards a healthier way of living. It took a LOT of attempts, and yes, there were times when I regressed....But the key is to try to eliminate the contact, so your heartstrings are not continuously being pulled at, waiting for that weak moment when you can't hold onto your resolve....

Even now - 2 years later - I find myself missing my ex, etc. more intensely when we communicate....but I am much stronger now than I was back then. The distance has done a world of wonders....

I wish you a lot of luck through this very painful process....

Lynn P....
This rotten apple appreciates your post very much. I agree with everything you posted and if I could I would give you a million thanks.

AllMe....I'm on your side. It probably seems like I'm not because I am one who is more upfront and honest than one who is, well...the opposite. I agree with Lynn though....take your power back. You've been giving it away for this guy for too long, all the while, on some level, being aware that this relationship was not good for you, and even dangerous.

Please take good care.

Beautifully put Lavalamp. You are a very precious, kind and wise friend. Blessings.