He dumped me

You are not. It's a big bomb ready to explode a minute or the other. Please, block this abusive therapist before he do more damage to you . You have the power to do so, use it. It doesn't matter how nice, innocent and good it looks to you now, it takes literally nothing to become something else from here...you have to understand and accept that it CAN'T be healty for you and your marriage and you'll personally end up paying for it. Listen to Farmergirl's advices please.

p.s. I can't believe how horrible this person is. He's still searching and "playing" with you like nothing happened after all the confusion and the bad stuff he did to you. He deserve to lose his job and be charged. I really hope, allme, that you along with the help of your new therapist can find the courage to stop his actions before he harms someone else.

Hi guys....sorry, didn't mean to cause a new situation, I kinda thought I was putting an end to it!

This may seem all too crazy and self destrcutive but I don't know any other way. Right now I am trying to go with what is making me feel good right now. Or atleast what I think is making me feel good. I haven't mentioned this yet because I was in fear of some back lash, but since I came out of hospital, I stopped taking my meds. Reason being, I was feeling great....I mean, considering what had happened, at the hospital, it was like I woke up with a new lease of life. A new outlook and decided to give it a go. I should really bring this up in my bipolar forum but I daren't. Anyway, I feel really good.

I don't know what to say really, other than, I am following anything that makes me feel good. Is this the new selfish me? There is a little alarm bell ringing....right at the back of my mind but I don't know how to stop doing what I am doing. I have spoken with my CPN, I have spoken with you guys here for over a year about it and I don't know how to stop it. Action wise yes, of course I do, delete him off face book, delete his telephone number and report him for all the **** he has caused me. But, 'emotionally' I don't know how to. And I don't think anyone here can advise me on that. I don't have a new t, i just have my CPN. But I don't need a t to tell me what my problem is as i know what it is after many yrs of soul searching. And that's my burning desire to be loved, wanted and desired. All the things I never felt as a child and now, that child is seeking out new ways of having these things, EX t is just that I guess.

And then there is my husband. I love him but really, honestly, I no longer 'desire' him and havent done for quite some time. The other day we went out for a meal, I dressed up really nice, I mean, I went out of my way to look sexy, did my hair and make up really special. Anyway, we went out again and I asked him if I should wear the same outfit..he couldnt remember the outfit He doesnt 'notice' me in that way. I am a VERY sexual and sensual being and he just isn't. Yes he has been a rock and yes he has been supportive in the past but i cant help feeling sometimes that it has run its course. But i dont know....I really dont know if I'm 'in love' with him anymore.

I just know, I want to feel loved, desired and wanted....and I want that little girl inside me to be hugged, noticed and loved.

Guys, honestly, I wont be surprised if you give up on me....and I wont be offended, actuallt i deserve to be given up on. All the advice you have given has been great advice but I 'can't' follow it. I have tried....but I can't. Pls don't be upset with me. i dont want to fall out with anyone here.

I've read this last post several times.... which has left me so sad for you Allme.

There's a word for what you're doing. It's called "denial." Denying what you KNOW - and what you've been TOLD - are the realities of your current choices. I can say that with relative certainty because you've said it yourself...That your continuing to be in contact with this "man" is unhealthy and is dangerous to YOU and your MARRIAGE. We didn't say that - you did. Remember??

But now I read that you are continuing to correspond with this guy....That you have now STOPPED your meds because you feel "good.".....That you don't have a T to help you make the decisions you have said you need to make to escape where you have said this will take you..... As a matter of fact you have declared you "don't need a T." And that makes me incredibily sad for you....I'm reminded of something my wife said to me a while ago about a completely different topic...She said : "You can't save them all." I knew at the time she was right - life has taught me that - but I never thought I'd have to face that with someone I've grown as close to as you, allme....

You said you wanted to feel loved - desired - wanted. You said you didn't know how to do the things you know you need to do. Well, isn't that what T's are for, for Christ's sake??? To help us do and be all the things we've wanted to do and be but never knew how??? I don't know about anybody else, but that's what my T has done for me..... Cause I NEED my T today....And will continue to need her in the future....I ain't done....

Allme, you sound like one of those alcoholics I became familiar with when i was one - and with those i deal with today in my professional carreer, now that I've been able to get through my OWN denial. (27 yrs ago...) "Oh, this time it will be different..." Well, you know I was usually right - it WAS different next time. It was WORSE. And kept getting worse until i got to the point where "enough was enough." I won't go into detail about what had to happen in my life to get me there - but suffice to say it wasn't pretty.... And it's no place I want to go to again!!

I don't know where it'll end for you. Maybe "enough is enough" is tomorrow. Maybe it's next week. Or next month.....YOU have to decide how bad it has to get....Or maybe it never comes...And you become one of those people I - along with alot of other good people here - couldn't save. YOU have to decide that......

The good news is that once you decide to ask for, receive, and ACCEPT help, we'll be here for you. No matter what. We'll see you through every step of the way - us and a QUALIFIED THERAPIST.

You have to decide when you're ready.

Allme,

I'm new to this site and haven't posted much yet, but parts of your story push a button in me, because (and I say this with much shame) I have experience with emotional affairs, and (and I say this with much relief) getting out of them, for good. I'm not talking about a T or transference or anything. I mean getting inappropriately emotionally involved with a man other than my now-husband and keeping it a secret. So I'm going to be a little tough with you, because I have been there and done that.

It doesn't matter whether you know what to do emotionally right now. If you know what to do physically, do it. Imagine finding out that your husband was engaged in an amorous correspondence with another woman, then his having the audacity to say to you, "But I don't feel emotionally ready to end it. Can I just continue the affair until it's emotionally over?" What would you say? Sure, honey, you wait until you're good and ready; I wouldn't want to rain on your parade by asking you to be faithful? OF COURSE NOT.

You are never going to feel emotionally ready to let go. I'm just going to tell you that right now. That's the whole sickness of cheating. It's addictive, as Lavalamp said. And you start acting like a pathetic addict for love and attention. Alcoholics can't hope to recover if they have a fully stocked liquor cabinet at home, so it's time for you to pour your drug of choice down the drain.

I'm sorry that your marriage is hurting in this way, but you're never going to be able to fix your desire for your husband by indulging your desire for another man. Marital problems are a separate issue: it is irrelevant to your extramarital relationship that your husband didn't notice your sexy outfit. Not showing his physical attraction in a way that is acceptable to you does not IN ANY WAY mean he deserves your infidelity. It is not even CLOSE in terms of the level and severity of betrayal.

It sounds like he has certainly lived up to "in sickness and in health", time for you to live up to "forsaking all others". Or end your marriage if you don't think you can fix it. Infidelity is not an answer.

Good luck Allme. Consider this tough love. I see my previous pain in yours. There is life after being used for your vulnerability, I promise. But you have to work for it.

((allme)) after reading the above it sounds like you are somehow attracted to men who aren't emotionally available or did your marriage not start out that way and this is new based on feelings from your past (if your marriage was great at one time you can get that back if you fight for it - so I've been advised)? Or your just medicating yourself with the intoxicating feeling from ex t to compensate for problems in your relationship with husband? Just a question that popped into my head.

I don't have much to say but I understand what you are feeling. For me it's not about being desired (husband is all about that) but it's about emotional intimacy. That's something I feel when I'm with T (emotionally safe as T understands me like no other). I too had things missing from my childhood and I feel that pain you talk about. Unfortunatly we can't go back and relive the past and we should make decisions based on the current here and now. I wish you all the best in being able to break your emotional chains and move forward as an adult and not let the lost sad girl part of you drive things ( I know it's easier said than done becuase there is a part of me that I used to let 'drive the bus' and it only ended badly). Don't believe the mirage of 'hapiness' but I'm already telling you something you already know. The feelings in the mirage are deceptive and intoxicating but eventually the mirage will go away.

With me ending therapy soon and not having that 'emotional intimacy' I'm afraid I'm going to lose it and or it will force me to deal with my husband and my lack of hapiness head on (hopefully only in a constructive manor). I hope this is something I can survive but enough about that.....Sending you thoughts of peace and resolution.

Allme, you are on a path of self-destruction. I hope you wise up soon before you completely crash. I don't know what else to say to you. You are going to have to decide to do the healthy thing rather than stay in self-indulgence and denial.

"I am not outright blaming my disorder but what I am saying it, when triggered, my disorder had a part to play in this and make the situation harder. I personally am not taking responsibility...and the reason being HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING....and I was manipulated and played with. I have NEVER done anything like this and hell, I didnt even have sex with him. I am feeling as though I dont want to be here right now."

allme..you posted this back in july...i guess now your story has changed...you ARE now taking responsibility for your actions by not taking your meds, not seeking therapy, not blocking him, etc....even back then you could have stepped away. could have said no. could have ended it. would it have been terrible hard...hell yes. but you opted not too. instead you placed the blame on this therapist & none on you.

yes he was a deceiptful man. he should not be dealing with patients. we all agree on that...except you. he will continue to play with you until he finds someone easier to deal with who will give him more of what he wants or until you say no. period.

you ripped everyone apart who challenged you in these posts for saying it was wrong of them to say he was evil & they didn't understand. maybe they did...

i feel for you. the way this situation is now it can not have a good ending.

your husband whom you professed good feelings about now suddenly you do not. no meds, no aftercare. recent hospitalization.

get some things lined up. please. & not with this therapist.

good luck.

stumpy

allme
I can understand needing to feel loved and cared for but what ex T did was cruel and abusive...NOT loving in any way. I think you know that but I also think you believe that's the best you can hope for. It isn't! If you have lost desire for your H, so be it, but don't turn to the man who was so callous and cruel. Learn to love yourself, rely on yourself. Then and only then, can you find out what true love feels like. Please take care. I didn't mention the meds cause I've done the same thing, so who am I to judge? I know it isn't going to be good for you. But you know that too....

Thanks all.... I don't know what to say

I am coming to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just no good. I have been chatting to a guy on facebook and its not in a good way. He showed me desire...so I lapped him up. I am no good and maybe the slut is coming out in me. My ex abusive boyfriend would tell me I am a slut and that I would never be faithful to one guy. Well I manage for 12 yrs...and now, after ex t, I am seeking it elsewhere. I dont expect anymore support. I have chosen my path....not a good one and I know the lack of desire from my husband is not a good enough reason to do what I am doing but I am enjoying the attention. I have been thinking of telling my husband I want a 'break' from us. Maybe go stay with my friend in London. i dont know. I dont know anything anymore other than some selfish ***** is taking over me.

I dont deserve anymore support. And if I have triggered anyone, I am sorry, this was not my intention. I just wanted to be honest.

Allme, two things:

1. When I started having romantic feelings toward my T after this whole affair things was over, I felt horrible about myself, like I must be some kind of downright terrible person to be falling in love with one man after another. I mean, seriously Sally, AGAIN?? But having a GOOD T has meant that I can explore those feelings and where they come from and be SAFE. I know that my T will not take advantage of me the way the man I cheated with did. (If anything, he is a little too cool in his responses, but I'll take that over being too "warm" any day.) Having a GOOD T has made me more confident that this isn't going to be something I'll ever do again. (Hint hint -- you need to find yourself a good T!)

2. I think you know that you are just going to another extreme (I'm a slut, I'm a terrible person, I'm no good, etc.) to avoid responsibility. It's easier to shut oneself down and accept defeat than to say "No, I'm a good person, why am I doing these bad things to myself? I have to stop!" That's a given. But remember that by using those words to describe yourself, you're implicitly describing anyone else who's been in your situation -- me included -- as a no-good slut. I'm not a no-good slut, and neither are you. But I made some really bad choices, and so did you. The thing about labeling someone is that you just slap it on and walk away, but the thing about choices is, you always have the chance to make new ones.

Well Sally. For someone who says they don't post much here, in my opinion you get 10 out of 10 for these last couple...

Allme, I, for one, am not going to "give you permission" to continue to act the way you are simply by agreeing with you that you're a "slut."

No you're not. You're just hurting. Not feeling wanted - desired - loved. Pretty normal, human stuff if you ask me... And you can continue to behave the way you are if you want to. If that really takes away the pain you're feeling. And, yeah, there is some thrill to the idea that "somebody wants me." Fills in alot of those gaps, doesn't it?? "It's all innocent, and safe...."

No it's not.

It's all an illusion. It isn't real. It's FAKE. And in the case of your former T it's CRIMINAL. I did that for a long time....I was involved in a variety of addictions just to "make it go away." The pain of my history. The effects on me today. Drugs, alcohol, women, sex, spending. It ALL took away the pain - for a bit. But the pain always came back. And coupled with that returning pain was the damage I was causing in my personal life. My children didn't have a father. My wife didn't have a husband. I stole those things from them. They hung in there as long as they could. But eventually the day came for them when "enough was enough."

I have a daughter - my little girl - who I haven't seen since she was 8. She's 29 now. She doesn't think of me as her father today. She has every right to not think of me that way. I was NEVER a father to her when she lived with me. I was too consumed with trying to make the pain go away... So when her mother and I got divorsed she didn't lose a father in her mind...cause she never had one. I'd like to think I could be her father today... I have written to her and asked for a chance. (she lives 10 minutes away) There was NO response. THAT was her answer....

I did that. By my never ending efforts to "make it go away." By never being the father she deserved. I've lost my little girl - probably forever.

And that's what I see for you allme. By you continuing to do what you are doing. My fear is that one day your going to look up and see that you have caused damage that can't and won't be repaired. Your marriage? Your health? Your LIFE?

If you think by calling yourself a "slut" you can somehow justify what your doing - go ahead. Give it a try... If I know you like I THINK I do, I'm guessing it won't work. It'll feel good for a time - the pain will go away for a bit. But it'll come back. Along with whatever damage you've caused. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. I just hope you don't look up one day and see that damage and have to realize that some things can't be fixed -- ever. And spend the rest of your life regretting it, like I do with my little girl.

You're not a slut. You're just hurting...

I feel sick

crashing without my meds....luckily see pdoc tomorrow.....but I feel so sick, have been drinking alot, bottle of malibu yesterday and a bottle today. Just not thinking straight anymore and all that you have said has hit home I need to get a grip. But then next week i could change my mind again....this is never going to stop is it?

When you're ready it will...

It will stop when you make the decision to take control of your mental health. You know what you have to do: take your meds; go to a therapist regularly; completely cut off any contact with your old T. You DO have control over this if you choose to.

I'm sorry for what you are going through ... stop taking your meds and attaching yourself to the bottle WASN'T a good move at all. I have some experience with the second one... alcool just bring more troubles.

I hope tomorrow you'll see your Pdoc and start taking meds again. Is there a way he can direct you to a new therapist? I still don't understand if you want to find a new one or not... but is perfectly clear, to me, that you need some outside help to stop this situation. May be a therapist, a counsellor, your priest (if you have one/ you are a believer) or some person with a strong mind who can stay behind you and make you avoid the bad choices. I'm sorry to say that, but i'm afraid that you alone will just harm yourself even more .

I know guys I have just been posting in bipolar forum. I am going to see pdoc tomorrow and go back on meds.....and yes I do want a new t but my CPN said it could take up to 18 months to see a psychotherapist. Can't afford to go private and regular person centred counselling does me no good, I just feel as though they are patting me on the head...if that makes sense!

Ah, Allme, I'm sorry it might take some time for you to see a new T . I'm crossing my fingers that it happens sooner than later.

I am guessing that right now you know what is best to do, but those actions feel empty. If that's the case, then know that it's ok. You know you should block your T on FB -- maybe delete your FB account altogether for a while, I know for some people this works well -- but of course part of you doesn't want to. Emotionally you might feel like, this is my lifeline, this is where I can get my fix! But rationally I can tell you also know that this is destructive, that ultimately it brings you down instead of up. So blocking him might feel rational, but emotionally empty.

All this conviction I am expressing to you now? Totally didn't have it when my husband found out I'd been cheating on him. Oh no, not at all. I knew what I was doing had been wrong, I knew it was the right thing to end it. But part of me didn't want to lose that temporary "feel good" button I could press by contacting my affair partner. I was not Super Sally, saving the day, saying, "No more! I shall take the correct path henceforth!" Nope, I cried to myself about blocking the affair partner from my e-mail and ending all contact. I felt sorry for myself about being stuck between the affair partner who was using me to stroke his ego, and my husband, who loved me but treated me rather badly at that time, who of course now had every reason to leave me on the spot (so I had just made a bad situation worse... if you think it's tough to get someone in a relationship to treat you better, trying getting them to treat you better after you've stabbed them in the heart). All those things that I knew in my head to be the right thing -- ending contact altogether with the affair partner, staying up with my husband to let him vent to me as long as he needed to, rehashing what had really happened over and over to him -- were not what I wanted to do, and I did not at the time feel good about them. At the time, I was doing my duty as someone who had made a mess, to clean it up. But initially, I was just numbly completing actions.

The conviction came later. My head got a lot clearer without having someone manipulating me in the background. I understood why my husband wanted to know every detail of what I'd done and I was willing to tell him what he needed to know.

And now, this part is going to sound really corny, but bear with me. Part of my real conviction came from realizing that, having done what I'd done, I could really end up alone. I had to end the affair, of course, but even with my husband... I had to accept that he might choose to leave me if he couldn't forgive me. And I also had to accept that even if he forgave me and we moved on, if he went back to treating me badly again, *I* might have to leave *him*. In the end, you can think about how this person or that person makes you feel, but the sad fact is, you can lose people. The only person you always have is yourself, and if you can't respect your own actions, you are dooming yourself to ALWAYS be in a miserable relationship -- the one you have with your own self.

So this is my long-winded way of saying, you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to handle this perfectly or have the perfect intentions. But I see that you do know what is right, and as long as you do that, good things will follow. I am so happy I did not wait until I "felt" it was right to do all those things to pick up the pieces after the affair, that I just did them. I wish I had done it sooner. I'm glad I didn't waste another second of my life being stuck in it.

I would humbly suggest you keep posting here, to tell us things like when you do block that mofo on facebook. I mean, look at this thread! It's full of people who want to see you succeed. Don't tell me it won't feel good to have someone tell you you done good with each step you take toward getting better.

I'd also suggest that when you are tempted to write to him, you write here instead, and don't send it. And we will all say, "Aren't you glad you didn't send this to him?? Imagine wasting your words writing that loser!"

You can do this, Allme.

..."mofo"... LOL!! Go 'head girl!!! Couldn't have said it better myself...... Actually, much nicer than what I was calling him under my breath...

Hopefully, allme will get to the place where "the right thing to do" is rarely the "easiest thing to do." For a while...

Until she gets to the next place where "the easiest thing to do" is indeed "the right thing to do."

Keep pluggin sweetie.... You'll get there. Hopefully.

a question allme..how did you pay for the other "mofo" t?

maybe it is worth paying for a private t for a bit to get squared away & safe for now.

really..what is your health & life worth.

stumpy

Umm, no it doesn't make sense? No fair using big words!

What is your or their definition of "regular person centred counseling"? This article (link below) sounds pretty much like what my T does for me, and I am thriving on the positive support for the first time in my life.

It was YOUR story, allme, that I most identified with and that actually brought me to PC. I asked my T AGAIN this morning about us getting married. I don't KNOW what it means. I just know I can trust him. You know I wish you the best, and I really sincerely thank you for sharing your feelings with us.
love ya,
-hankie

worldwidehealth.com/health-article-What-is-Person-Centred-Counselling.html

Hi guys...just popping through....but have little energy...but I have read your replies and thank you. On new meds....waiting to see if they work.

Good to hear from you allme. I hadn't in a while and I was worried.... I also read your post....Thanks, dear.

Hope you're doing well -- or at least better. Don't be a stranger!!!

Terry

wow.

a little shocked at some of the posts in this thread.

imo the bulk of the responsibility in maintaining a professional t/patient/client relationship lands in the hands of the professional. this was a clear and very serious betrayal, even if the OP THREW herself at her therapist, he has the professional and moral obligation to say no and do whatever it takes to stop it from progressing further.

Hi there,
I am totally agree with the last post. Both me and my therapist(who is 23 years older) had developed romantic feelings toward each other. He had told me that he would date me if I stop my therapy, which I did. He, then decided that it would be unethical for him to date me and changed his mind. All this caused me a huge nervous breakdown and I wanted to end my life. The bottom line is that it is totally normal to have any kind of feelings toward your therapist, but it is only up to the T to keep the boundaries. I have learned a lot about myself. For those of you who might be going trough the same situation, you can find my posts here

I am l suffering a huge loss and feel betrayed by the person I trusted the most in my life...... There is no piece for now