[Marsdotter]

Hi everyone I'm new to this forum/site. I have been reading the threads here and have tremendous appreciation for those of you who have been posting about your struggles and going through so much.

I just started therapy with a new therapist after my previous long-term one was unable to continue her practice due to personal reasons. (That ending was actually well-processed between myself and the former T; not to be glib, just trying to be concise.)

I started with this new woman a few months ago. I am lesbian. I was immediately aware of my potential attraction to her when I met her, but (and this sounds rather reckless now) I just thought, "oh what the heck." LOL. I guess I thought that her being appealing to me in that way could be an aside, like some pleasant, unobtrusive background music at a dinner party, you know? Because, um, therapy is just like that. And then there was the whole difficulty of finding the right person I could work with again. I found her relatively easy to talk to. So I wanted to give it a shot.

Since then, I have learned that she is women-oriented too, and some other things about her that basically make me wish I had met her under other circumstances and, of course, was in a position to offer her something when I did.

She has been on vacation. I am not quite at that point of tremendous pain that I can predict now -after much reflection and reading- given the whole set-up, and I have been toying with quitting. I feel like someone who has a touch of the flu, knowing they are going to be very, very, sick shortly. Maybe I have even lost the will to leave already, but that's what I wonder if I should do.

Thanks.

[growlycat]

Hi MarsD-

If you like your T, transference can be worked through. It can become like dinner party music. The hard part is bringing up your feelings to T in the first place.

It can be so hard to find a T who is a good "fit"--I think I'd rather have a terrible crush than to have a cold T. (been there done that!)

I have talked through transference with my main T but not my cbt T. I think the crush is a good sign of warmth and trust developing in the relationship. Sure there may be painful moments, but I'm thinking it is worth it!

[Marsdotter]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Hi MarsD-

If you like your T, transference can be worked through. It can become like dinner party music. The hard part is bringing up your feelings to T in the first place.

It can be so hard to find a T who is a good "fit"--I think I'd rather have a terrible crush than to have a cold T. (been there done that!)

I have talked through transference with my main T but not my cbt T. I think the crush is a good sign of warmth and trust developing in the relationship. Sure there may be painful moments, but I'm thinking it is worth it!

Thanks for your reply growlycat.

Actually I am having a little difficulty completely putting my thoughts about her (they seem just barely feelings at this point but are getting there) into the "transference box" because there has not been quite enough development of trust from the initial meeting to make my thoughts feel like simply an outcome of therapy. You know what I mean? I sort of see her the way I expected to from my initial impressions.

I tell myself that the fact that I met her with even the express intention of having therapy with her, and meeting her in her office, automatically makes the attraction part of the therapy. However, I can't shake the sense of this being a contrived way of having to deal with the attraction just because it is the practical one. Ah, the game is so rigged!

I'm with you though; I would rather this, than having to work with someone who felt cold to me. Better a problematic attachment than none.

I'd try to stick with your T for a bit and see how it goes. I have a new T and she is a lesbian and I'm not - but feel she is attractive, if that makes sense?

I recommend that you give it some time and trust in your T and the process. And go from there?

Welcome to PC and I wish you the best! *hugs*

Hey Marsdotter,
I am also lesbian and fell completely in love with my first t, I knew the minute I met her I would fall in love and I should have run then but I didn't. I thought I could work through these fellings but I couldn't.
Do you think you might be able to tell your t about these feelings, I mean maybe you can work through this transference together?

[Marsdotter]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Hey Marsdotter,
I am also lesbian and fell completely in love with my first t, I knew the minute I met her I would fall in love and I should have run then but I didn't. I thought I could work through these fellings but I couldn't.
Do you think you might be able to tell your t about these feelings, I mean maybe you can work through this transference together?

I think I might be able to tell her. I'll see her in a few days again. At least if I tell her it will be out of my head and I won't have to speculate as much. She'll likely just state the boundaries and say how normal it is, etc., and then I will have her voice in my head when I start thinking about it next time, instead of wondering what she'd say.

I am wondering if you told yours, and, if you didn't, if that was why you couldn't work through the feelings? If you did or didn't tell her, is that a regret?

Originally Posted by Marsdotter

I think I might be able to tell her. I'll see her in a few days again. At least if I tell her it will be out of my head and I won't have to speculate as much. She'll likely just state the boundaries and say how normal it is, etc., and then I will have her voice in my head when I start thinking about it next time, instead of wondering what she'd say.

I am wondering if you told yours, and, if you didn't, if that was why you couldn't work through the feelings? If you did or didn't tell her, is that a regret?

I hope you can tell her it would make it easier for you both.
I told my t on my second last session, she terminated after it.
I still don't know if she is gay, straight or bi. Maybe she couldn't handle me and my feelings but don't let this affect your decision as not all ts are going to react as strongly as mine did.

[Asiablue]

From what i can see, there is two separate issues. The first being a genuine sexual attraction for your T, you can prob accept this as real since you felt it when you first met her, and therefore it was too early in the relationship to be transference. The second is of course the transference which will muddy the water greatly because it will be confusing and virtually impossible once you're in the depths of it to tell what is transference and what is just sexual attraction. And the pain of unrequited loved, mixed up attachment, frustration and ever other emotion in between is going to be really really tough to deal with.
Attraction thru transference can be worked thru as it often is more about previous relationships particularly earlier in life but can natural sexual desire/attraction be neutralised? I don't know, but i'd guess it would be extremely difficult to quell that and keep the close complicated relationship that it the therapeutic allegiance.

I don't envy your situation at all. I think my advice would be by al means speak to her about this but that perhaps in the long run a new therapist might be better to save yourself the heartache.

[growlycat]

I guess it all depends if you are going to be ok with the idea that an outside relationship isn't going to happen. If that isn't acceptable, then maybe consider a new T.

I was surprised at how soon I developed an attraction to the cbt guy. I know nothing about him except his demeanor and credentials. I kept telling myself that I must be the one bringing this to the table. But I don't want anything to develop outside of T because this is a "safe" relationship for me.

Keep us posted! I need tips on how to talk about it constructively.

[Marsdotter]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

From what i can see, there is two separate issues. The first being a genuine sexual attraction for your T, you can prob accept this as real since you felt it when you first met her, and therefore it was too early in the relationship to be transference. The second is of course the transference which will muddy the water greatly because it will be confusing and virtually impossible once you're in the depths of it to tell what is transference and what is just sexual attraction. And the pain of unrequited loved, mixed up attachment, frustration and ever other emotion in between is going to be really really tough to deal with.
Attraction thru transference can be worked thru as it often is more about previous relationships particularly earlier in life but can natural sexual desire/attraction be neutralised? I don't know, but i'd guess it would be extremely difficult to quell that and keep the close complicated relationship that it the therapeutic allegiance.

Yes you articulated my situation very well there, Asiablue. I'm actually thinking the sooner I say something now, perhaps the better, so that she can at least see that this feels like a "mixed up attachment" for me. Before I am, as you put it, in the depths of it.

Originally Posted by growlycat

I guess it all depends if you are going to be ok with the idea that an outside relationship isn't going to happen. If that isn't acceptable, then maybe consider a new T.

I was surprised at how soon I developed an attraction to the cbt guy. I know nothing about him except his demeanor and credentials. I kept telling myself that I must be the one bringing this to the table. But I don't want anything to develop outside of T because this is a "safe" relationship for me.

Keep us posted! I need tips on how to talk about it constructively.

Growly, I did not get to talk to her today about it, because of the urgency of my darn life issues!! But I appreciated her today. So I'm reluctant to let her go.

However, she gave me a journaling assignment and I think I'll sneak the issue in there. I'll let you know if that turns out to be a constructive way to talk about it. I get to see her next week.

I actually think acceptance for me will increase after she knows, and can convey an understanding - I have a sense she can - and sort of tells me how she hopes I look at it. She can be very persuasive, LOL. I don't mean I'll never have a regret that I can't be with her, but I think I will be able to embrace the therapeutic relationship. But, we'll see. I'm feeling "Que Sera Sera" about it all tonight.

[Marsdotter]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

I'd try to stick with your T for a bit and see how it goes. I have a new T and she is a lesbian and I'm not - but feel she is attractive, if that makes sense?

I recommend that you give it some time and trust in your T and the process. And go from there?

Welcome to PC and I wish you the best! *hugs*

Thank you rainyday.

[Marsdotter]

Well, I told her. She was cool. I was awkward and took a while getting there but I did and she got it. And she just said she was always open to hearing about my feelings toward her and how they affected me. Guess I'm not going anywhere soon.