[mrspatient]

I've been seeing a T for around a year and a half now, this is my first time tying therapy and I'm just looking to hear if this is a normal therapy experience I'm having? I went in for depression and suicidal thoughts, I am a woman seeing an older male T. Over the past year we've been trying to work on some childhood trauma related work. We also discuss sex quite frequently. It's some kind of analysis work, not sure if it's a mix of some kind though.

After only a few months I was stunned by the intense feelings I developed for this T. I learned about transference online and told my T my feelings a few months ago. It was an intense session, and at the end of it he asked if I wanted a hug, I did want a hug and we hugged briefly and I left feeling like a huge weight was lifted off of me. We have kind of talked about the transference, not head on though. He managed to work into conversation that nothing would ever happen (even though I hadn't suggested anything) and also about how the feelings I feel aren't really for him and I will see that one day. He said if we had a relationship it would be abusive on his part due to the vulnerabilities... not sure he worded it like that, but that was the message I got.

Ever since the first session we've hugged, and I won't lie, considering my intense feelings I love it. The hugs are never sexual for me though except I remember the touch later. Well, at our session three weeks ago I was processing a rough memory. I was crying for the first time as I recounted something very painful, he got up, crossed the room, sat next to me and offered me a hug. I fell into his arms and buried my head into him. A huge relief washed over me, and I just held him spaced out and then after what felt like 30 seconds the thought "I want to move my hands up his back" popped into my head and I quickly ended the embrace.

Another time I was talking to him and we both were silent for a while, all of a sudden I realized I was very turned-on and in this most intense hot eye lock with him, both of us quietly smiling. I literally felt like he told me he loved me with that look, oy vey! So, here was the final thing. I was getting an oil change right before therapy the other day and obsessing about my T who I was about to see. Suddenly I hear his voice, saying "aren't you running late for therapy?" and I look up and it was him! I was in shock and then he suggested we go to a coffee shop a block away and have therapy there... and we did. And the eye contact happened again over coffee. God, help me.

I trust that my T isn't up to something, which is odd because normally I'm untrusting of everyone, but I still feel a powerful two way energy between us. Like a tangible electric kind of energy at times. He seems like a perfect person right now, too good a person to actually take advantage of me. Maybe I shoulda put this in the romantic feelings section, LOL.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Sounds like the two of you have a great connection. I would find it distracting, maybe in a good way I'm not sure. I get the obsessing thing. I'd just die if I heard my ex-T's voice ever again and look up to see him standing there. I'd melt and cry and just die. I don't know if I could really handle seeing him again...
I definitely couldn't handle him holding me while I cried. It would be way too close. I'd never ever get enough of it.

[Leah123]

I would be wary of doing therapy in a coffee shop, definitely blurring boundaries, along with continuing to hug if you find it arousing. Your experience is normal, but the way he's handling it concerns me. I don't think it's best for you to fuel the arousal as it can't lead anywhere positive and dealing with traumatic memories in that space where hormones are up can really lead to problems, I found in my experience.

Perhaps there is another, non-physical way for you to take comfort from his presence that will not cross into this grey area right now?

[RTerroni]

Yes what you are going through is perfectly normal.

[mrspatient]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Sounds like the two of you have a great connection. I would find it distracting, maybe in a good way I'm not sure. I get the obsessing thing.

Thank you all for replying. Distracting, yes, in a good way so far but also very frustrating and embarrassing.

Leah123 - I cant figure out how to quote you, LOL but, I fear that you are right, and I am trying to tone it down and focus on other things. I haven't told him I'm aroused by his hugs, and to be honest I've never been except for that one long hug, it was just that I suddenly realized he was holding me... not sure how to explain.

I don't think it is normal and is encouraging your transference, playing on it even, to meet his own needs.
I wonder what he gets out of your hugs? He initiates them therefore he wants them to fulfil his need for closeness. Ideally a therapist should wait for the client to ask for a hug but clearly discuss what they both want from them and boundaries. I am concerned by the frequency too, if you are feeling these feelings like an electric energy between you it's likely there is a chemistry there and he feels it too.
Is it possible these are your feelings and you are projecting them onto him or do you feel he has them too?

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[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by mrspatient

Thank you all for replying. Distracting, yes, in a good way so far but also very frustrating and embarrassing.

Leah123 - I cant figure out how to quote you, LOL but, I fear that you are right, and I am trying to tone it down and focus on other things. I haven't told him I'm aroused by his hugs, and to be honest I've never been except for that one long hug, it was just that I suddenly realized he was holding me... not sure how to explain.

I guess the question I have for you is if you feel safe and what does your gut instinct (or still small voice, whatever you want to call it) tell you?

It's one thing to be a grown woman having a grownup experience. It's quite another to be discussion some kind of childhood experience and be more in that age range mentally and having some feeling as you describe. I'm no expert on transference, and certainly have my own issues with it, but sounds like being held by him brought up some strong feelings.

[mrspatient]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Is it possible these are your feelings and you are projecting them onto him or do you feel he has them too?

I think we're mutually attracted, but I think the depth of emotion is all me. I don't think he's in love with me or anything like that, but yeah the eye contact thing if that was all in my head would be wild. It felt like we both were doing the bedroom eyes things. I do think he takes some measures to keep a safe distance...

[mrspatient]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

I guess the question I have for you is if you feel safe and what does your gut instinct (or still small voice, whatever you want to call it) tell you?

It's one thing to be a grown woman having a grownup experience. It's quite another to be discussion some kind of childhood experience and be more in that age range mentally and having some feeling as you describe. I'm no expert on transference, and certainly have my own issues with it, but sounds like being held by him brought up some strong feelings.

I feel safe 95% of the time. To be brutally honest, I think part of me wants to fantasize he will act out with me but I don't think either of us really would.

In regards to what age I was in that hug, that's a good question. I just talked about it with myself.

[nottrustin]

I would be concerned because you told him about the attraction and he continues to hug an do things that could be seen as sexual.

As far as coffee during a session I don't really see that as a problem. I wouldn't do it as I would fear showing emotion in public. However, my first therapist did go for walks and such with clients if it helped make the client more comfortable. A couple of years ago my son saw a therapist who would pick him up at school and take him for an ice cream or "snack" at Mcdonalds.

[healingme4me]

The bumping into you, at mechanic, prior to a therapy session, left me scratching my head.


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[Favorite Jeans]

I think your feelings are normal but I'm not sure about your experience. I'm thinking that a T who knows his client has erotic transference would be even more restrained and judicious about touch than he would be ordinarily. People have different thoughts about this but I think holding a client for a lengthy period while she cries is starting to enter some sketchy territory--especially a client with erotic transference.

I also think having a session at a cafe is like a date or something friends do. It's not so appropriate IMHO. It's not a confidential space, it changes the relationship between you, removing the formality and structure that keeps the relationship safe. Finally, I think the most he should have said to you upon seeing you at the garage was a very quick "hi." Approaching you from behind and referring to therapy strikes me as being tremendously inappropriate.

Your spidey sense must be picking up on something if you were moved to post this! I'm not sure this T is safe. Good luck with it.

[growlycat]

Your T reminds me of my main T. Our connection is intense, I will sometimes get hugs, yet he has been clear that this has to stay safe and professional. I've known him 20 years but on occasion I feel a boundary crossing--not a violation as far as I can tell-- here and there.

We had one or two sessions in a local resteraunt over a vast amount of time, but that felt vaguely inappropriate. No matter how much you love someone and you feel they love you it is important not to ignore your own inner voice.

In my case, I feel he is overall very ethical but he probably has feelings for me too on some level. We both can keep things in check.

[nicoleflynn]

"Sex in the Forbidden zone by peter Rutter is an excellent resource. I fell in love with my t years ago (been with him for 10) and the feelings remain the same. He is attracted to me also and says there is a "sexual tension" between us. That sure does not help me!! Meeting outside of the office is supposedly a no-no in the profession; there are so many rules and regulations. he could be on the "slippery slope"---no one knows, but that book will open your eyes. My t led me on big time, but that is another long story.

[SabinaS]

Personally I find the idea of therapists hugging patients very strange, but I realise some do. Therapy in a coffee shop however, is completely inappropriate IMO. If you are receiving some kind of analytic therapy, the therapy space is an important part of the process - it (should) provide/s a safe, secure place for you to feel and discuss whatever you need to. Boundaries are there for a reason, mainly for your protection but his too. Blurring boundaries and having informal therapy sessions over coffee is only going to fuel the ET fantasies I fear. Can you discuss it in your next session?

[SabinaS]

... having said all that, I am probably a bit jealous, as I would love to have coffee with my T.