[LearningMe01]

So I've written a lot about my feelings for my T. I've also written a lot about losing her , and how it feels...and so on. We're going to set a "termination" date next week. I told her today, that I was unaware anything could hurt this much. I told her my heart hurts.

I don't know how to deal with this kind of grief. I've never experienced it before. I'm angry ...because Ultimately , staying in touch with me or not is HER decision...there is a such thing as free will, which leads me to believe she doesn't want to stay in touch with me. Which of course is totally up to her and I'd never force myself on anyone... I just wish I was "worth it" to her , you know. She's beautiful, so freaking smart , funny, witty , sarcastic...pretty much everything I like about a person all wrapped up into one...how could I not feel the way I do?

Anyway , this wasn't meant to be a long post, I'm basically just trying to reach out. There are certain things I don't feel comfortable writing on a public forum...just things that are "too personal" ...or something.

If anyone has some time, or has been in my spot...If anyone can help me "guide" myself through this grief and extremely painful time in my life - I would greatly appreciate you sending me a PM. As I sit here I have tears in my eyes, my head hurts...my heart hurts... I want to be brave and handle this the best way I can...I just don't even know where to start. I have literally never felt this kind of grief. Not ever.

I lost my therapist in a bad way and I also am grieving very deeply. I never thought it would end the way it did and I would feel so much pain and grief.

Time has helped some. It really has. Are you going to be seeing someone else? I am not sure why your therapy is ending. I will try to go back and read your posts.

Just know that there are lots of us who are grieving and getting through this. It's one day at a time. Try to take the good that you learned and hold onto that. Don't deny the pain and grief though because it is very real and very strong. I am sorry you are going through this and I wish I had just the right thing to say.

[Leah123]

When I lost my first, best therapist, it felt like she died. All I could do was cry at night about it, listen to a sad song that reminded me of her, write in my journal, and wait for the grief to pass. It did eventually pass and was transformed into a deep, abiding gratitude for her angelic presence in my life. I knew her for several months, a little more than 20 years ago. I still remember her like a spiritual mother, the one who served as a catalyst to my much healthier, more self-aware, open life.

In time, hopefully you too will feel the healing more than the pain.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

Ultimately , staying in touch with me or not is HER decision...there is a such thing as free will, which leads me to believe she doesn't want to stay in touch with me. Which of course is totally up to her and I'd never force myself on anyone... I just wish I was "worth it" to her , you know.

If she is seeing you through a University counseling center, then staying in touch with you is NOT her choice, even after she leaves the University. At least at the University at which I work (and is common in most Universities at least in the US) there is a strict policy in place that absolutely forbids therapists from having ANY contact with clients outside of the counseling office, between sessions, and after termination. That rule applies to all therapists and clients who met through treatment at the University, even if one or both parties no longer attend the University. Several state agencies have the same policy as well. Even is she wanted to stay in touch with you, if your University is anything like mine, it would be absolutely forbidden. Since she is still a student and is not yet licensed, disobeying these strict rules at a time when she is seeking to get licensed could prevent her from becoming licensed and would mean that she went through all of that training and spent all of that money on her education for nothing. Breaking these rules simply isn't worth it. The reason the rules are SO strict at Universities is because, if she acted unprofessionally with you, you could have recourse to sue the University. The University does not want to be sued. Therefore, it keeps these strict policies in place to protect itself. Please do not take this personally. It is not her choice. She is doing a good job of being professional and following the rules of her profession.

[Bentay]

I'm so sorry your hurting so much, I really feel for you as its a very difficult time. Its such an unnatural thing to cut off from a person who you've shared your most intimate thoughts with & who understands you perhaps, better than anyone else.

After two years of therapy I terminated around 8 weeks ago, I miss my T every day as he profoundly changed my life for the better - I miss talking to him, seeing him, just knowing that he would be there for me; the gratitude I feel is immeasurable. Be kind to yourself, the pain does ease & this time will pass. We're here for you

[grimtopaz]

Due to ethics codes, therapists may not be allowed to keep in touch with patients. They risk losing their license, which would make them unable to do what they love/make a living. If I were a therapist, even if I loved one of my patients, I would never take that risk. Her behavior has nothing to do with what she thinks of you as a patient. Maybe she would love to stay in touch.

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by grimtopaz

Due to ethics codes, therapists may not be allowed to keep in touch with patients. They risk losing their license, which would make them unable to do what they love/make a living. If I were a therapist, even if I loved one of my patients, I would never take that risk. Her behavior has nothing to do with what she thinks of you as a patient. Maybe she would love to stay in touch.

Thanks Grim, but I'm well aware of the ethics code. I'm not saying I expect her in my life as a friend (or more). While I would love this, I understand it's not allowed. I do not , however , think there Is any law against writing a letter/email every once in a while. And yes I do believe she would like to stay in touch. I never said it was rational ....but if you look at "The 5 stages of grief" you'll see that Anger is number three on the list. She has said herself "I'd be worried if you weren't a little angry at me." So I won't belittle myself over those feelings, they're a natural reaction to losing someone you love.

[growlycat]

I am so sorry--I know what that pain is like. It will hurt like hell, but know that others will come into your life and make you feel just as safe and cared for.

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I am so sorry--I know what that pain is like. It will hurt like hell, but know that others will come into your life and make you feel just as safe and cared for.

Thank you so much! I guess that is one of my biggest fears. I really fear that I'll never feel this way again - about anyone. And even more , that no one will ever make me feel the way she does. I guess those feelings are all part of the grief/healing process, but I hate them none the less .

There's a quote from a movie I love ... It really sums it up...
"I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling again , for the rest of my whole life , the way I feel when I'm with you."

Yea, that pretty much says it. Whyyyy on earth did it have to be a therapist....why couldn't I have fallen for a "normal" person this way? Ugh.

But hey, thanks again Growly! I appreciate the empathy and understanding