[frackfrackfrack]

I have noticed that of late, T is slightly uncomfortable when I talk about my feelings for him - or even mention them in passing. For example he will never follow up with a question about it. Once I mentioned that I was worried about the effect it was having on my relationship and he sort of turned it into a question about how I felt about other people I feel attracted to in general.

I am just wondering why I feel this from him. One guess I have is that he feels these feelings are not relevant to my therapy and he wants to steer me away from focusing on it. Another possibility is it makes him genuinely uncomfortable, even though I have never said anything explicit to him. At most I have used euphemisms like 'I want to be close to you' for I want to have sex (and it was very clear what I meant). I have never described my fantasies or even my desires in general. I wouldn't have thought a therapist would be so squeamish.

What I don't like is there there is something that I feel I have to be careful about talking about to him. I have though about asking him.....but of course he will answer with the usual 'why is it important for you to know that' or something, and I am not sure exactly why.

[Inner_Firefly]

Hi Frack, it must be hard to feel you have to hold back and not say things explicitly. I can understand that burden of having to take care of your T's feelings while it should be about your feelings, exactly as they are...how can you be open and honest about how you feel, if you have to tip toe so much?! I wish your T could just accept and understand you. I am not sure why he is doing this, I agree with your theories.

Do you think you will perhaps ask him directly? How comfortable are you with him?

I had the same problem as you, in the beginning, when I told T. It took a year or two of my gradually getting more explicit eventually she seems more fine with my feelings. I do still constantly apologize for being gross and ask her to "take it as a compliment" and she always says it's fine, whatever I feel is fine....I have no answer for you, and hope you are able to ask him!

[growlycat]

Maybe he is attracted to you too and thus, the squeamishness.

[TheWell]

Ask him, and when he says, "Why is that important to you."
Tell him why. That you feel like you are trying to talk directly about your feelings and he redirects you and you don't understand it.

Being as straightforward and honest as you can is the best way to get what you need.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by TheWell

Ask him, and when he says, "Why is that important to you."
Tell him why. That you feel like you are trying to talk directly about your feelings and he redirects you and you don't understand it.

Being as straightforward and honest as you can is the best way to get what you need.

Thanks. Right, so in that instance I did ask him why he redirected, and I said something along the lines of what you said (that I want our interaction to be direct and open). His answer was that he thought his question was relevant but also that maybe he felt my original question was 'too hot'. I nodded, but I am not sure exactly what he meant by that and I didn't pursue it (I thought it was a strange choice of words, and when he said it, something passed over his face, I don't know what, but some kind of reaction on his face). To his credit, he said that he would like for me to ask him such questions if they are bothering me, about him. But then I started getting this feeling that he is somehow uncomfortable about my feelings. And his answer does seem to indicate that perhaps he was uncomfortable.

I feel like questioning him more on it. But at the same time, I feel like I am the patient, and how can I start interrogating him about his thoughts....

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Maybe he is attracted to you too and thus, the squeamishness.

I did think of this, but I told myself it might be wishful thinking and I shouldn't go down that path and start to feel obsessed about it.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

Hi Frack, it must be hard to feel you have to hold back and not say things explicitly. I can understand that burden of having to take care of your T's feelings while it should be about your feelings, exactly as they are...how can you be open and honest about how you feel, if you have to tip toe so much?! I wish your T could just accept and understand you. I am not sure why he is doing this, I agree with your theories.

Do you think you will perhaps ask him directly? How comfortable are you with him?

I had the same problem as you, in the beginning, when I told T. It took a year or two of my gradually getting more explicit eventually she seems more fine with my feelings. I do still constantly apologize for being gross and ask her to "take it as a compliment" and she always says it's fine, whatever I feel is fine....I have no answer for you, and hope you are able to ask him!

Thanks for understanding. It is a burden dammit. It was really good to hear that you felt similarly and that things improved. Yes, I guess I want to ask him....I think I do worry about feeling foolish for perhaps ascribing feelings/discomfort to him that perhaps is just in my head. I am more or less comfortable with him.

[lunatic soul]

I always feel very uncomfortable when someone tells me he likes me or is in love with me when I'm not and I avoid from conversations like that so I can understand that T can feel uncomfortable. It makes me think that he is unexperienced or young t or don;t know how to act so it's always easier to avoid from talking about it.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

I always feel very uncomfortable when someone tells me he likes me or is in love with me when I'm not and I avoid from conversations like that so I can understand that T can feel uncomfortable. It makes me think that he is unexperienced or young t or don;t know how to act so it's always easier to avoid from talking about it.

Yes, I also feel this way, I know exactly what you mean. But the thing is that the first few times I told him about it, he seemed fine. The first time he asked me to describe what I felt like about him and we talked in detail about my feelings, how I would feel if he had sex with me, etc. Another time, I felt it hard to be in his presence with such strong feelings, and he asked me to describe what I felt. That was when I was most explicit - I think I said something like it hurt to look at him and want him so much, that I wanted to be close to him, for him to tell me what he wants sexually and to satisfy him. All of that didn't seem to make him particularly uncomfortable. It is only lately I feel that he became uncomfortable when I mention my feelings. It could be the case that for example, he is more uncomfortable with my feelings being love-like rather than of lust. I don't know.

If it is what you say, then I feel its a bit unfair of him to just avoid like that. As a therapist he should be prepared to hear things. He is somewhat newish, but I know that he has practiced with patients for about 7 years.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by frackfrackfrack

Yes, I also feel this way, I know exactly what you mean. But the thing is that the first few times I told him about it, he seemed fine. The first time he asked me to describe what I felt like about him and we talked in detail about my feelings, how I would feel if he had sex with me, etc. Another time, I felt it hard to be in his presence with such strong feelings, and he asked me to describe what I felt. That was when I was most explicit - I think I said something like it hurt to look at him and want him so much, that I wanted to be close to him, for him to tell me what he wants sexually and to satisfy him. All of that didn't seem to make him particularly uncomfortable. It is only lately I feel that he became uncomfortable when I mention my feelings. It could be the case that for example, he is more uncomfortable with my feelings being love-like rather than of lust. I don't know.

If it is what you say, then I feel its a bit unfair of him to just avoid like that. As a therapist he should be prepared to hear things. He is somewhat newish, but I know that he has practiced with patients for about 7 years.

Okay then maybe he knows enough about your feelings for him and don't want you focus too much on your feelings for him but analyse it and understand what about relationships with other man, I don't know how could it help if we just talk about our feelings for our T all the time because we stuck there sometimes. It's okay to sometimes tell about it but if your T knows about it.

Ts have difficult job, they almost everyday listen to their clients that they are in love with them, I'm wondering do they never feel guilty or bad or sad when clients tell them about, I would lose my mind if I were a T and someone were in love with me but yeah, Ts have to be strong seeing their clients crying and losing their minds because of love to them. No wonder they don't want to talk about but I agree that they should if clients want to.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Okay then maybe he knows enough about your feelings for him and don't want you focus too much on your feelings for him but analyse it and understand what about relationships with other man, I don't know how could it help if we just talk about our feelings for our T all the time because we stuck there sometimes. It's okay to sometimes tell about it but if your T knows about it.

Ts have difficult job, they almost everyday listen to their clients that they are in love with them, I'm wondering do they never feel guilty or bad or sad when clients tell them about, I would lose my mind if I were a T and someone were in love with me but yeah, Ts have to be strong seeing their clients crying and losing their minds because of love to them. No wonder they don't want to talk about but I agree that they should if clients want to.

Yes, I do feel stuck sometimes with the feelings for him. It feels like an endless loop. I want to talk about the feelings a lot, but I also don't understand what could come out of it. But I want to talk about it. But I don't understand....

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by frackfrackfrack

Yes, I do feel stuck sometimes with the feelings for him. It feels like an endless loop. I want to talk about the feelings a lot, but I also don't understand what could come out of it. But I want to talk about it. But I don't understand....

If you talk about it a lot, maybe he wants to help you to get out of this theme to help you with your issues, who knows.
I talked about my feelings a lot, sometimes therapy was just conversation about my feelings for him but no matter how much I talked about it, I always wanted talk about it again. Then I got mad at myself for talking about it too much, we only talked about our relationships all the time.