[Summer Daze]

Things with T have taken a turn for the worse. There has been over sharing of personal information with me, such as discussions of the past and present including details of T's personal life. There has been opening up to me on T's end and showing vulnerability. There has been gifts, touching (not sexual), and admitting of feelings from T's end. Not to go into too much detail, these admissions included admitting T cares about me (which would be fine if it wasn't in the context of its different with you than with everyone else), admitting an attraction without directly saying T is attracted to me (i.e. You're very attractive, beautiful, hot and making comments like that without saying directly "I'm attracted to you"), and showing visible anger when telling him things during session (he seems to get protective over me). I know I've posted something about this before but it's getting a little intense for me and I don't find it fair. I feel like I'm being sent mixed signals and I'm just very confused. Is there ANYWAY I could be misconstruing these things? I do not wish for a romantic relationship with T, even if he wasn't my T. I am in a committed relationship that I do not wish to ruin. The reason for my anger is that I shared personal, intimate things in sessions and allowed myself to become vulnerable which is a huge issue of mine that I am attempting to work out in therapy. I feel a connection with T but I wonder if it is just the well known and very common phenomenon that's defined as "transference" or if it's genuine. There's no way of me knowing and all these little things being done or said are driving me up the wall because I don't really feel like this is fair to me. Sorry if I'm going off on a tangent. My question basically is am I overreacting here? Or do I have alright to be a little perturbed? Is this something I should be upset over/distracted by or should I just push it down and out of my mind? I really need to know if I sound delusional or if I'm reading this correctly? I'm driving myself crazy over it and I really want to just move on from this. I'm not sure what the laws are in Florida about this (which is where I live and see T) but I know ethical boundaries should still be in place.

Hello,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I do not have any answers - but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and that you are in my thoughts.

[atisketatasket]

You don't sound delusional to me. You sound like you've tried to excuse this behavior and realized you found it too disturbing to excuse. Trust yourself.

If any therapist - heck, any professional I hired - said to me "You're hot" I would consider it highly inappropriate. Likewise too much personal disclosure. And "different from everyone else" - I've heard that from a therapist too, and did not like it. Don't know how the touching started but the therapist is not supposed to initiate it.

[Ididitmyway]

I agree with ATAT. You are not delusional and you are not over-reacting. Your T is behaving very inappropriately with you. He is crossing ethical boundaries and you have every right to be angry and upset about it. I'd confront him about it if I were you, the sooner the better, before any harm is done.

[dtrain0802]

Originally Posted by Summer Daze

Things with T have taken a turn for the worse. There has been over sharing of personal information with me, such as discussions of the past and present including details of T's personal life. There has been opening up to me on T's end and showing vulnerability. There has been gifts, touching (not sexual), and admitting of feelings from T's end. Not to go into too much detail, these admissions included admitting T cares about me (which would be fine if it wasn't in the context of its different with you than with everyone else), admitting an attraction without directly saying T is attracted to me (i.e. You're very attractive, beautiful, hot and making comments like that without saying directly "I'm attracted to you"), and showing visible anger when telling him things during session (he seems to get protective over me). I know I've posted something about this before but it's getting a little intense for me and I don't find it fair. I feel like I'm being sent mixed signals and I'm just very confused. Is there ANYWAY I could be misconstruing these things? I do not wish for a romantic relationship with T, even if he wasn't my T. I am in a committed relationship that I do not wish to ruin. The reason for my anger is that I shared personal, intimate things in sessions and allowed myself to become vulnerable which is a huge issue of mine that I am attempting to work out in therapy. I feel a connection with T but I wonder if it is just the well known and very common phenomenon that's defined as "transference" or if it's genuine. There's no way of me knowing and all these little things being done or said are driving me up the wall because I don't really feel like this is fair to me. Sorry if I'm going off on a tangent. My question basically is am I overreacting here? Or do I have alright to be a little perturbed? Is this something I should be upset over/distracted by or should I just push it down and out of my mind? I really need to know if I sound delusional or if I'm reading this correctly? I'm driving myself crazy over it and I really want to just move on from this. I'm not sure what the laws are in Florida about this (which is where I live and see T) but I know ethical boundaries should still be in place.

Have you tried telling him what is bothering you about his conduct? Maybe he's trying to help you - albeit in a completely screwed up way - learn to draw boundaries?

My suggestion - and it might take a little bit of courage to do so - is call him out on his nonsense. For instance, the next time he tries to give you a gift, don't take it and express you feel it's inappropriate.I would also run this guys tags; and by that I mean I would check out your state's licensing board for therapist to see if he is currently on probation.

Keep us posted. All the best!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[nicoleflynn]

The same thing happened to me. The best book I ever read on the subject: Sex in the Forbidden Zone by peter Rutter;it gives a "snapshot" of a t going down the slippery slope. Education is your best friend.

[missbella]

I believe the yardstick is whether any actual therapy is going on. You're paying for a service to be exclusively toward your goals. It ultimately doesn't matter how anyone else would react. If his behavior gets you off track , there's your answer.

That said, you bring up several red flags. I don't think it's the public 's job to police the industry, and if the guy is unethical he might deflect and twist your concerns. You can just leave.

[thesnowqueen]

Totally inappropriate behaviour from a T! I would not try to 'work it out with him.' You need a reliable and ethical T to work anything out with. Please keep in mind that clients are always negatively affected by Ts crossing these lines. This is not at all in your interests.

[Summer Daze]

Thanks for all of the replies! The reason I can't just leave is I've grown quite attached. I've been seeing T for a while. That is the catch 22. So it is not as simple as just leaving. On one level I know this behavior doesn't happen in a normal therapist/client relationship but on the other hand I was hoping to get other opinions so I could see if I was possibly misreading it? My instinct told me I wasn't but I have a very, very hard time trusting myself and listening to my inner guidance which is something I wish I could work on. The reason I have not wanted to communicate any of this to him is because I'm afraid of losing him as a T. I know that sounds twisted but we really are very compatible and have a nice connection. I really care about T as a person and would be very upset if I did anything to disrupt our relationship. However, I can't keep leaving therapy confused and overanalyzing things. It's not healthy and its preoccupying my mind. The week in between sessions now has started to feel like torture to me because I overanalyze until the next session where I can gage what is actually going on. But then I get in there and I completely lose my train of thought and get distracted by conversation. If that makes sense? Then nothing ever gets resolved. It really started to get like this 6 months back. Before that, it was manageable. This have also started to progress more and more over the last 6 months and each session leaves me feeling more intense, confused, and upset than last.

[Summer Daze]

Clarification: the gift was for no reason. It was a gift that T knew would be meaningful to me and that he went into the place specifically to buy for me.

Also to answer your previous question, the touches are always initiated by him as I don't want to cross any lines so I do not do what is natural to me which would be to hug at end of session, etc. These touches did include a hug but are not limited to hugs. However I feel if this was a female T I would not be overanalyzing the touching and it would just be what it was. That's my dilemma.

[Ididitmyway]

I've been in a similar situation. My last T had crossed boundaries with me in the similar fashion though not quite the same. I understand your dilemma and the reason why you are unable to leave at the moment, as I had the same dilemma and had been stuck in the similarly unhealthy situation for a long time for the same reasons you are stuck now. What I can tell from my experience is that these things only get worse as time goes by. This is a potentially very harmful situation and you can end up getting hurt very badly. This is important to keep in mind, no matter what decision you make.

If you understand that this is an unhealthy situation, but, at the same time you are unwilling to leave because you've become too attached to the guy and because a personal connection with him is so important to you that you don't want to lose it, then you've already made your choice to stay, at least at this time. That's fine. If you are inclined to stay then you need to stay for as long as you need it. In retrospect, I can say that we get stuck in certain situations because the situation is still serving us in some way no matter how unhealthy or damaging it can be. We leave the situation immediately as soon as it stops serving us or when it becomes crystal clear that is has never served us.

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by Summer Daze

Thanks for all of the replies! The reason I can't just leave is I've grown quite attached. I've been seeing T for a while. That is the catch 22. So it is not as simple as just leaving. On one level I know this behavior doesn't happen in a normal therapist/client relationship but on the other hand I was hoping to get other opinions so I could see if I was possibly misreading it? My instinct told me I wasn't but I have a very, very hard time trusting myself and listening to my inner guidance which is something I wish I could work on. The reason I have not wanted to communicate any of this to him is because I'm afraid of losing him as a T. I know that sounds twisted but we really are very compatible and have a nice connection. I really care about T as a person and would be very upset if I did anything to disrupt our relationship. However, I can't keep leaving therapy confused and overanalyzing things. It's not healthy and its preoccupying my mind. The week in between sessions now has started to feel like torture to me because I overanalyze until the next session where I can gage what is actually going on. But then I get in there and I completely lose my train of thought and get distracted by conversation. If that makes sense? Then nothing ever gets resolved. It really started to get like this 6 months back. Before that, it was manageable. This have also started to progress more and more over the last 6 months and each session leaves me feeling more intense, confused, and upset than last.

Just a note to say that my former comment was coming from that wonderfully simple place of no-comparable-experience (at least in terms of a therapeutic relationship). So apologies for my over simplification.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Hello Summer Daze,

I have to say I understand a bit, not because my T has gotten me gifts, because he hasn't and not because my T has touched me, because he never did but instead, because I too experience a great deal of sharing from my T. My T has never told me he finds me attractive in any capacity, quite the opposite really, at best he told me that I was not ugly but that hardly counts. My T is very cautious about certain ethical lines, and disclosure of attraction, as well as touching or anything else along those lines would be no-no's. However him and I do have a wonderful connection and for the first time, he told me he too feels that we have a really great connection and that it is substantially better than average and even disclosed that he has only felt a connection like this with about six people in his entire life. Of course though, the connection is platonic on his end.

It is only I that confuses this with love. So yes, I too, leave many sessions overanalyzing things he has said or done. Like today when he mentioned that last night he had been thinking about me. It was of course in a purely therapeutic capacity but none the less, I overanalyze. In my case, I may finally being starting to come to grips with the fact that things will never be what I want them to be with him... where as it sounds like your situation is different. My situation is a very sharing T, who says leading things, that none-the-less fosters deep, loving feelings.... and that causes me agony and I overthink, and I wish and I hope and sink into major depression because those wishes and hopes will never come true. Which could still be dangerous in a way, as crossing ethical boundaries, like sharing a lot, is supposedly always dangerous and potentially damaging. Anyway, onto my point, it does sound like if you actually wanted to be with your T, that he would actually let you... and while I'm deeply jealous and wish my situation were the same, my recommendation to you, is to be aware of the dangers your situation could possibly entail... and to evaluate things. You say you are uncomfortable but if that is truly the case, you need to tell him or write him a letter. Part of me thinks... and this is one a previous poster eluded to... that you're getting something from this situation... and I don't just mean therapy, I mean the boundary crossing that your therapist is doing... I think it is giving you something that you're not getting elsewhere and that is why you are unable to put an end to it.

Which is fine, there are tons of things to be gotten from a situation like that. A feeling of being special. Intimacy. Validation. Self-Esteem. Confidence Boosts. Connection. Attachment. A feeling of power. Etc. If you read this... and think I may be onto something, just ask yourself what the situation gives you and find another source. That will give you the strength to set better limits and boundaries within your therapeutic relationship and it may just save your relationship with your T... because if things are escalating and continue to do so, there may come a day where you lose this T simply because things went too far. On his end or your end or a combination of the two. And please don't be offended by what I am saying, I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just offering it as a possibility to help you figure out the situation for yourself and there is zero judgement on my end. As I said, my situation is similar to yours, though different, and I too get many things from feeling special and especially attached to my therapist. I have attachment issues with my parents and abandonment issues and a whole host of things. There is zero judgement. I applaud you for coming to the forums and asking for others input, it's very brave and you are a courageous person.

Rest assured, if you want to find the courage to tell your T that these things make you uncomfortable, if they do, then I'm confident the courage will come to you when you want it. Maybe the things you get from your T have nothing to do with the unacceptable things he is doing, maybe you just have grown platonically attached... or maybe you just really like his approach or some other factor... if that is the case, then I would encourage you to not be afraid of losing him by telling him that you don't like him crossing these boundaries, if that is how you feel. The concern of losing him only grows more and more with time if you allow his feelings to grow. The longer you let him act out in these ways, without setting boundaries, the deeper you let him get. And if he gets too deep, he may want to terminate because he has gotten too personally involved. So if that is the case, the sooner he is told, the better.

I don't claim to know what is going on in your personal situation, what he thinks or feels, or what you think or feel. Please don't take anything I said the wrong way as I was just offering up possible scenarios and outcomes for you to evaluate on your own because you're really the only person who has the answers in this situation. You're the only one who knows if you really want him to stop these behaviors. You're the only person who knows if you're uncomfortable. You're the only person who could assess if his boundary crossing is something you can or want to handle. You're the only one who can speak up for yourself, or not, if that is what you choose. And be comfortable in knowing that you're an adult and whatever decision you decide, you're making it to the best of your current abilities and you have the right to choose whatever option you want, regardless of anything. Once you've truly decided whether or not you're going to continue to allow these things or to tell your T that these things make you uncomfortable and you want them to stop... then you will be at peace and you wont have to go stir crazy between sessions because your decision will be made. The only reason you agonize right now, is the same reason why anyone agonizes when they have a decision to make... and that is because the decision isn't made yet. When the decision is final, you can finally relax, because no matter what you choose and no matter what the outcome is, you will have decided and you will be able to move forward, instead of dwelling on whether or not you show allow these things or express your anger to your T.

In regards to whether or not you have a right to be angry, the fact is, you as the client, have a right to feel anything. It's your T who is limited in this situation because it's his job and he is providing a service. You will do just fine and you will be just fine. No matter what you decide. You see, I agonize over whether or not to terminate my therapy and as such, it causes me a lot of distress, but whenever I'm decided, I'm at peace. I waiver... which I'm not supposed to do, but I only do it when I'm triggered. Your situation is thankfully different from mine and as such, I don't think you will struggle as much as me, when it comes to sticking with your decision. Always remember that your feelings are valid and they are your right and it is your place to share them as openly and honestly with your T as you possibly can.

Take it from someone who has to painfully read love letters to her therapist.... some things are hard to say but the pain doesn't last long. Good luck! And remember, you can do this! You can do anything you want, you are in charge of your therapy. Make it whatever you want it to be.

P.S. I'm truly sorry if I said anything offensive.

[Summer Daze]

Criesandgoodbyes, thank you for taking the time to reply in such depth. I really appreciate it! Although I completely see what you're saying about making a decision it is just hard for me to let go because I too seem to have attachment issues. Which I wasn't aware of prior to therapy but it seems to be fairly obvious now since I can't just walk away as easily as I would like. I also didn't mention in the above posts (because I wasn't sure of its relevance) that T and I communicate outside of session, in between sessions, mostly via text. Sometimes over the phone. The texts are more often than not, not therapy related. However, this is not T's fault because I initiate most of them but T is receptive. It's nothing inappropriate on a non-therepeutic level but in terms of a therapeutic relationship, it could be. My issue has been that I haven't really viewed him as a therapist for a while now and more of a human being I have a genuine connection with. Like a friend. The issue is (the reason I labeled this thread as its "getting worse") is when he starts to withdraw or I'm not getting out of the relationship what I think I need I start to get hurt which always turns to anger and me wanted to distance myself. It's very complicated because as I mentioned before, I am in a committed relationship and this isn't romantic on my end. We do have a very genuine connection that has a certain chemistry about it. We are also very compatible. This is all platonic to me. I guess I'm just a little upset because I was trusting him as one should do with their T and now I feel like I'm going to be the one to get very hurt. I'm concerned. I've read horror stories on this forum and although everyone thinks "that won't happen to me. My situation is completely different. Our relationship is completely different", the logic in my mind can't help but shout at me to be cautious.

I've read over your posts again and it does sound like T has let things get personal. Intentions by T may be good but now that it has progressed to feeling like friends...it no longer sounds therapeutic for you. Unfortunately, T can not be an IRL friend. I'm concerned things could end badly for you. It will hurt a lot, but getting a new T sooner than later may be less painful. Like ripping a bandaid off quickly (simplified analogy). I think going to therapy because you're looking forward to seeing your "friend" is a sign it is no longer therapeutic and you may unknowingly be set up for a hard fall.

I may be mistaken and I apologize if I came across the wrong way or if I am off-base here. My pdoc once very sincerely told me: "You are my patient, I care about you." That felt very safe, caring and professional. It sounds like your T is making it a personal relationship between the two of you when T says he cares about you. You're no longer a client, it seems. Stay as long as you need to, what else can you do. I shouldn't give advice. Thinking of you.

[Summer Daze]

Thank you to everyone for their continued, kind and thoughtful responses.

Rainyday: I never thought of it that way but now that you point it out I guess I do look forward to seeing him. It is less about being excited for the therapy itself as it is to see the person conducting the therapy. I am very logical and self-aware so I never expected myself to be sucked into something like this. Which now makes me think am I to blame for how he has been acting and for how things seem to keep progressing? Maybe I am unknowingly sending out a vibe or maybe it's just all my fault.

In that case I feel awful like I am provoking it. Ironically, I went into therapy with a male T being very cautious about that and even consciously dressing more conservatively than I normally will because I wanted to protect myself. I just feel very sick over this whole thing.

What i'm struggling with the most is the relationship seems to be on "his terms". For example, he can reach out whenever he wants and I feel inclined to respond but if I do it I am left feeling stupid. He never ignores me or anything like that but he will be very short with me. Short enough to a point where I can pick up on it and get upset because I feel like he's just being polite or patronizing me by responding. I don't know if any of this makes sense but I don't like feeling like i'm being jerked around. I hate the mixed signals and not knowing where I stand. I cannot stand the constant second guessing myself and wondering if I am making something up in my head or completely misreading the situation and everything he's doing or saying. That is the part that doesn't seem fair to me.

I turned to this forum for answers, support, opinions, maybe even some commiseration? I appreciate all of those who have taken the time to respond and were so kind to me. I realize I have a tendency to go on and on. I just can't talk about this in my everyday life with the people in my life because no one will understand or really get the reason i'm struggling or why I care so much. People really don't get the attachment that comes with a T/client relationship and how devastated you can feel if you start to feel like this person is taking advantage, e.t.c.

The part that infuriates me the most is he can be relaxed in his mind and not overanalyze about this. He probably doesn't give this two thoughts and then there is me, over here, stirring about this. I'm beyond annoyed with him, but mostly myself.