[UglyDucky]

My T seemed reluctant to say I have erotic feelings for her/him, but had no problem w/romantic feelings. I Googled "erotic" for a definition and now I'm confused. I've told T a few very specific fantasies and one very sexual dream I've had, so I'm trying to understand. T interpreted what I revealed in terms of what the fantasy or dream indicated that I missed or longed for in life.

One definition made a distinction between erotic and pornographic, but generally speaking, most definitions indicated sexual and erotic were the same or interchangeable. Any thoughts?

[toomanycats]

Maybe he doesn't like the word erotic?
Maybe he's uncomfortable with erotic transference and is trying to pretend it's not happening because it's new to him?

[InnerPeace111]

Your T might be thinking that romantic is a softer or gentler word than erotic. Or maybe even that romantic is a more all-encompassing or broader term than erotic. Not sure.

[magicalprince]

It sounds like really, you're worried about whether your T is comfortable with your feelings or not. It's not really about the words, right? Maybe you ended up feeling a sense of rejection, or otherwise, some unknown personal meaning coming from him when he avoided the word "erotic."

Now it's got you thinking about it a lot, but remember--this is his thing, not yours. Feel free to ask him about it, but remember that his reaction wasn't something that you personally caused with your wording.

[BudFox]

I think romantic has cleaner connotations, more palatable.

I find all of these terms endlessly disturbing in the context of therapy, espeically when "transference" is bolted on to the end. The client is induced/seduced into these longings, then forced to have a bizarre and often humiliating clinical discussion about it. My fav is "malignant erotic transference".

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by BudFox

I think romantic has cleaner connotations, more palatable.


I find all of these terms endlessly disturbing in the context of therapy, espeically when "transference" is bolted on to the end. The client is induced/seduced into these longings, then forced to have a bizarre and often humiliating clinical discussion about it. My fav is "malignant erotic transference".

Yeah, when you are putting very deeply personal feelings out there in this context, you really need them to be received in a respectful and thoughtful way and unfortunately that often doesn't happen. I do wish more people in therapy understood that these overwhelming desires for more clarification, more transparency, more disclosure and more security in that relationship, is often being caused or at least intensified by the way the therapist is treating them, and that they should not have to be feeling so confused and uncertain.

[LonesomeTonight]

Honestly, I always felt weird using the term "erotic" when for me it was (is?) more romantic. I mean, yes, there have been sexual thoughts, but they were really more about connecting with him than, say, if I was fantasizing about some random attractive guy I saw or an actor. I think the technical term is "erotic transference," but, again, I could see where your T would be reluctant to use that because it suggests something more purely sexual.

I had purely sexual fantasies once about a therapist that was not associated with romantic thoughts in any form. It was very obviously transference, triggered by a specific event, and lasted just two days. I told him about it and it was very weird because when I was there, looking at him, speaking to him, I very clearly and intensely felt that my fantasies had nothing to do with him at all and I did not find him appealing at all, even the opposite a bit... But it was interesting how those feelings and fantasies surfaced, what triggered them, the content, etc. He seemed pretty comfortable discussing it but we only did once as the whole thing vanished from my mind and never came back after.

[Soccer mom]

There's erotic and eroticized. I have ET for my therapist but I don't find her attractive at all. It happens when she's being sweet or I'm being vulnerable. It has nothing to do with sex. Eroticized is when it turns sexual.
Not many therapists know much about it and seem to always assume it's sexual.

[UglyDucky]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I particularly found the personal thoughts about 'romantic' and 'erotic' helpful. My T doesn't attach the word 'transference' to our discussions...it's simply me having romantic and/or erotic feelings and where they may be coming from. (The general research re: erotic feelings appears to be learning 'what feelings are behind the feelings.') I'm grateful that T is dealing with this subject seriously and sensitively. It feels like hell...but unrequited love hasn't ever been fun for the suitor.

Glad to hear your T is dealing with these issues in a professional way.

In psychoanalytic thinking, which is where the ideas originated from, generally any feelings of pleasure are thought of as sexual, including the infant-mother feelings, as I quoted below. So it really depends on your therapist's way of thinking.

Adult sexuality

What sexuality does psychoanalysis talk about?

Sexuality, from a psychoanalytic point of view, refers to pleasure in the broad sense of the term: sources of pleasure and how human beings act to obtain it. Genital adult sexuality is only one expression of something much more complex...

These diffuse pleasures and the zones they are associated to, intertwined with the tenderness in the relationship with primary caregivers, are called sexual by psychoanalysis because later on in life, when puberty arrives, they acquire a clearer sexual meaning and then form part of ordinary adult sexual activity which is the source of the greatest pleasure of all.

Infantile sexuality

One of Freud’s most important discoveries was the role sexuality plays during childhood, how it manifests itself in different parts of the body and how it acts on the relationships with primary caregivers.

At the beginning of life the baby’s body has zones that give it a specific pleasure-sensuality and it learns that certain actions result in obtaining certain pleasures. The mouth, the skin, the **** and the genitals ––what psychoanalysis calls erogenous zones–– give the baby concrete pleasures linked to eating, being touched, defecating, rubbing the genitals and being physically taken care of by the primary caregivers. The way these pleasures are sufficiently satisfied and frustrated (or not) will have consequences (favorable and unfavorable) in the development of pleasure seeking and displeasure avoiding in the future adult.

https://www.consultabaekeland.com/p/...talk-about.php

My T views it as above, and I make sense of it this way too. Sexuality seems to start young to keep the human race going, an intrinsic need....