How do you deal with people that want to fix you?

I am trying to word this in a way that does not spark a debate because that is not my intent, so bear with me.

I was at a large extended family gathering (my nephew graduated) and a group of us were sitting around discussing names. There is a comical story about how my twins were named and hubby's sister recently adopted their second child and she was telling us how my newest nephew got his name. In any event this lead to a comment from an extended family member that has stuck as a thorn in my side and brought up old wounds.

I'm a pretty open-minded person, members of my family belong to just about every religion out there and my own philosophy is "if it works for you it can't be wrong."

To make a very long story short, I discovered when my youngest kids were about 2 that there is a family baptismal gown that has been in my husbands family for generations that was never offered to my children. In fact I discovered that my children are the only decendents of my husband's grandfather (including grandpa himself) not to be baptized in this gown. I was extremely hurt by this but it is all water under the bridge now.

Fast forward 15 years and we're at this gathering. Now my husband's parents and siblings are all familiar with my spiritual beliefs. I would even assume that the woman that made these comments would have a clue as she did attend our wedding (she by the way happens to be the guardian of the gown). Based upon these stories that we were sharing she suddenly looked at me and said she never realized that my faith was this strong yadda yadda yadda .... then "well you have to do this and that and this" (editing to prevent specific religions and beliefs to be mentioned).

I was having a good day that particular day and smiled and said "thank you for your opinion but my beliefs have worked well for me for the last 40 years so I think I'll stick with it." To which she replied then this that and the other will happen you have to do this etc etc etc. Again I smiled and said I am very comfortable with my spiritual life etc. we will have to agree to disagree and attempted to change the subject.

So here's my problem, this is my father-in-law's sister, she has decided that it is her job to "save" me and my family. On a "normal" basis I maybe have 10 conversations a year with her and it's usually "hi, how are you, how are the kids, how are the grandkids, see you next time." Since then she's taken to calling and emailing me. She even stopped by on her way through but fortunately I was at work at the time. She recruited her sister too to get into the mix. The sister is more reasonable and basically contacted me to shut her up. I asked the reasonable sister how to deal with this because I am at my wit's end, she said "oh that's just X, once she sinks her teeth in you just have to go with it."

I don't want to go with it. I don't need to be fixed and my patience are running thin! My husband and I have been together for more than 25 years, why now has she suddenly decided I'm her pet project? My husband is no help because he'd rather avoid most of them entirely, but I'm beginning to get offended!

I would tell her she is offending you ! Tell her that her religion must be very lenient if it allows people to offend others if she really dosnt get the point then you will have to tell her to shut up.

Rude but effective.... lol

Logically that would make sense, but she really believes that I need to be fixed. Her particular religion is such that only it is correct etc... that seems to give her the authority to ... educate me.

I really am wording this poorly because although she comes across as rude (and she does) I truly believe her motives are pure. It's very frustrating and kind of strange, the spiritual side of hubby's family is "left to the women". Grandma went to church every single day but Grandpa went only to weddings and funerals. There were several incidents (of a non-sexual nature) that caused my mother-in-law (again I am trying to edit) and my husband to stop attending services on a regular basis when hubby was 16. Her daughters are devout, and hubby's brother's wife is EXTREMELY devout (but non-judgemental).

Now that I think of it, perhaps if disregard the message and look at the intent, perhaps this is a compliment of sorts that I am finally 'worthy' (?) to join that club. I will have to ponder that...

((A)))) i am glad that you are posting your thoughts and feelings here, i do read as many of your posts as i am able and i've found you to be not only intelligent, but honest and caring..

people come from all walks of life and with a history of thier own experiences and beliefs and a wide variety of belief systems are made available for us to consider and choose from.. some even mix them together, taking what makes sense from one and combining it with others to form a broader and more balanced belief system of thier own..

i think it is harmful for one group to say that the way they view spirit matters is the only correct way.. it closes doors of communication and limits understanding... it creates an us or them mentality that then contributes to intolerance and misunderstanding...

allowing others to have an opinion and express their beliefs in a non harmful way, expressing our own beliefs as non harmfully as possible, creates an environment of acceptance and mutual respect for learning and understanding each other..

the relative you speak of is teetering between assertion of her own beliefs and aggression...

it is hard in a peaceful manner to defend our own beliefs when we feel attacked without becoming an attacker ourselves, but if we look towards the lessons of our teachers we can see that education is our answer...

i would quietly but firmly assert that you have built your belief system over many years of study and honest examination and that for you, at this time, your understanding of matters is what has pulled you through and givn you the peace and harmony you have needed to survive several of lifes natural dilemmas that we all are confronted with...

spirituality is a good thing for us.. we are able to research the ways in which other peoples, from different time frames, have overcome obstacles and survived hardships.. different people, in different times have faced unique and individualized struggles and by examining the ways that others have processed and found faith to live out each day with hope and strength, we adopt and adapt...

there are many choices in faith that one may choose to study and learn from and each has its merits and considerations... for me, the only bad faith is the one which encourages harm on others because all good faiths are built on the idea of support for each other... faiths which do not support the good health of the people are not faiths of spirit, but instead are destructors of spirit...

you have the ability to know within yourself, in honest assessment, which of these faiths you are a member of...

accept that others are also finding their own way and may not yet have arrived at your own level of understanding about encouragement versus discouragement and allow them to reach understanding in thier own time as best you are able....

our human condition has its own process of making us aware of our misunderstandings and that is known as suffering... be good to you, be good to others and it will come back to you in that way... harmful intent serves its own justice on each individual and in that way the individual is continually led to find clearer understanding..

perhaps it is you who should be trying to 'fix' her but that puts things into the perspective of opposing forces... peace of mind is what you seek.. claim your own and let no one take it from you...

hope this helps some, if not, i hope someone else will have the reply you are looking for.. tc always

Thanks so much for your reply nowheretorun. My own opinion is that each person has a path to walk. I'm very comfortable with my spiritual life. I don't believe it is the only way to salvation, just my way. I don't even feel the need to defend it or have others conform to my way of doing things. If you find comfort, guidance and enlightenment on your path, then you're doing it right.

My husband has had a bitter experience with this particular religion and was quite jaded about it in his youth and early adulthood. Actually it was one specific individual. I've managed to convince him over the years that to hold onto that bitterness and exclude God from your life because of one person or one group of people is quite silly and harmful only to himself.

This has been a very long process. Even when hubby said he didn't believe, God still took care of us and understood that hubby's attitude came from a place of pain and anger. During one discussion I listed some of the miracles that we've experience, large and small, and asked my husband to give me an explanation other than Divine intervention. A light finally came on, and while I won't say he's at peace he's definately on his path.

And discussing this with all of you has brought some things to light that I did not really realize before. At our family gathering when the conversation turned to our beliefs my husband did not respond as he previously would have. Perhaps it was this very change that prompted Aunt X's behavior.

But the fact still remains that we don't need to change. I'm trying very hard to remain tactful. You'd think this would be easier to deal with because I'm secure and do not feel the need to debate who's beliefs are "right". When you get down the bare bones about it, we share the same beliefs, just different rituals in expressing them.

I would go with it the same way your husband does; just ignore it. I have a sister-in-law that emails me "junk" all the time and 99% of it I just delete. If you don't see her much, she's not much of a problem. Every now and then I "correct" my sister-in-law, LOL, or at least the junk she's spouting (usually without thinking which I object to) but if you "agree" with people, they have no place to go anymore since you agree with them! I'd practice some, "Very interesting" and "Uh-huh" sort of not-really-listening responses that are "agreement" but not positive and after you say them once or twice (while looking away at something else :-) if she keeps on, look her full in the eyes and give her a slightly angry, "Why do you keep going on about it, MarySue?"

((AAAAA)))))) and (((nowheretorun))))
I agree with what nowehretorun said (((people come from all walks of life and with a history of thier own experiences and beliefs and a wide variety of belief systems are made available for us to consider and choose from.. some even mix them together, taking what makes sense from one and combining it with others to form a broader and more balanced belief system of thier own..)))))))))))))))and this
((accept that others are also finding their own way and may not yet have arrived at your own level of understanding about encouragement versus discouragement and allow them to reach understanding in thier own time as best you are able....))))))))))\
And (((AAAAA))))))))) what you said
((My own opinion is that each person has a path to walk. I'm very comfortable with my spiritual life. I don't believe it is the only way to salvation, just my way. I don't even feel the need to defend it or have others conform to my way of doing things. If you find comfort, guidance and enlightenment on your path, then you're doing it right.))))))
I put them in hugs as you two imo are so right.

Each of our paths are our paths. One not right or wrong.
None should be pushed on one another .......
both of you are amazing and kind ppl
Also ((AAAAA))))) your right you do not need to change who you are and what you believe ........

It doesn't matter what SHE thinks (or anyone else). you have established your belief/boundaries.

She needs to RESPECT that. If not, you could tell her (respectfully of course), that you will not discuss it with her.

How would she feel if a muslim/jew, etc., etc....tried to convert her??!! Mention that. What would I say to her if she brought it up ever again?

This (subject) is NOT up for discussion, mention or debate. If you CHOOSE to persist, we cannot have a conversation.

DISENGAGE. You have quickly, succinctly and politely given her your boundaries. What she does with that information....is her choice.........

Thank you for your response. It is rather ironic that this thread should be revived today. I had completely abandoned my email account since this incident. It just became too overwhelming to deal with. And just last night I bit the bullet and went in and cleared everything out so that I could actually check my email and communicate with those I cared to.

I'd like to say that I did something clever to fix this problem, but in the end I simply stopped answering her calls, avoided my email entirely. This did have the desired effect. At family gatherings that this woman was present at family members would say "what the heck, you don't answer your email at all anymore?" I just said I was having computer issues and left it at that and avoided her entirely.

My brain isn't working really well lately but your post started out talking about a baptizmal gown, right? You were not offered this gown because your husband's family made the judgment that either you or your husband or you both had not the faith to justify the use of that gown? Your children were babies then. They were the age to be baptized, as are the majority of children, when very small and the decision is made by the parent.

Obviously, your children are older now. Where does their opinion enter into this? I was baptized when I was 14. It was my idea because my mother told me she never bothered to have me baptized and I decided I wanted to be baptized. Then, she decided since we were going through the ceremony, my brother 12 and sister 10 should be baptized, too. I don't know how they felt about it, actually. It wasn't my fault but I'm sure they think it was. (They always tell me how I was an evil sister.)

I don't think I need to explain my point. Or is it not relevant? It seems ridiculous for her to be chasing you down now. How ........well, time to shut my mouth.

We all find these types of people in all areas of life, don't we? I'm glad your ignoring her and not giving her anything to feed upon or argue with worked. I daresay, for others, that want to do more than just share, esp for this group, you can remind them --or ask them a leading question along the lines of doesn't their faith teach them that it is their faith and prayers that will "save" relatives, and that you can't make a horse drink... so keep praying (only?)

I have a sister who wants to "fix" me and "save" me as well. I can't share anything with her any more... because nothing I say or know or do is her way, her "right" "more knowing" way. I think we could have fun together if she'd just share once what she thinks and leaves it, like I have with her. Take care.

Well actually the thread started because of the attitude of my FIL's sister.

A brief back story is the leader of the church of hubby's family's home town was a manipulative, greedy, vindictive man. As a result my husband was very vocal about being anti-religion. Over the years I've been able to convince him that there is a distinct difference between being spiritual and being religious. I've also pointed out the blessings we've had in our life that can be attributed to nothing but Divine intervention. So he's mellowed on this topic.

When the conversation about the names for our children came up and comments regarding specific Biblical references were made and my husband contributed to this conversation in a positive manner this caught the Aunt's attention. In the past my husband would have been rather loud and insulting. Since the spiritual health in this particular family lays with the woman in the household, I "think" she saw this change as a stepping stone to have me intervene and have my husband embrace his religion again.

Of course for him to be welcomed back into his religion I would have to convert. She was not satisfied with the fact that my husband acknowledges the existence and blessings of a Divine being.

The bit about the baptismal gown was just an insult from years ago. As for my kid's opinions, I had them baptized as infants for my own comfort. Since then I've been very open with the information out there and left it up to them which path they would follow. My daughter would attend the church that she was baptized on a regular basis with my very devout father. Since his unexpected death she's not returned. The boys haven't shown interest in church per se since they were small. I will not force them, I make sure they realize where these blessing come from and are thankful for them. The rest is up to them.

I can see why this type of thing can chafe. Personally, I come from a family tht proselytizes, but more in the form of "This is what we believe," then it is a mtter of living agfter that as a witness. NEVER would any of them or myself decide that it is up to US ti save someone. Afterall, it isn't us who saves people. This woman sounds like she has a wee bit of a control problem and it is being expressed through how she handles her (and your) religion. My guess is God doesn't really figure so largley, rather it is her aim to "earn brownie points in heaven" by claiming you as a trophy. Sorry for the harsh tone, but I have also had to deal with folks like that, and no, you can't go on ignoring her forever. I suggest a serious talk with your husband, even if it is more of a "fact finding" mission to see how he thinks you can get her to stop calling. I think that is how it should be worded, because if you ask "What should do?" He'll say something convenient and there you'll be in square one.
BTW some of the funniest and best discussions I have had have been with a sunni muslim friend, when we would sit at lunch in the psychology institute and try to convert each other. Usually ending in a lot of laughs. Your sister in law needs to realize if you don't want to talk about it, then she needs to shut up and start living the life herself. Huggs dear and good luck!

Thanks so much. I want to reiterate that I believe this woman's motives are pure. I truly don't think it's a control issue. The dogma of their specific religion believes they are the one true religion. I do believe she is more concerned about our souls rather than "I am right and you are wrong." Which is why I was having such a hard time dealing with her. If I thought that this was a control issue I don't think I'd have a problem telling her to mind her own business.

Can you think of a way to maybe talk to her in a friendly and gentle way and tell her that you are afraid that she will get very frustrated because you are not intrested in joining her church, and that she is spending so much time and energy on it? You might want to emphasize then that you appreciate the love that her actions come from, but that your beliefs right now do not echo hers and probably never will? You were right when you said thatit didn't make it easier knowing that her motives are pure It's a toughie! HUggs and happy hunting.

That's the question now, isn't it? How well do you like playing detective?

So were the Inquisitors.

OK, I'm outta here.

AAAAA

Your story makes me giggle. She acknowledges your faith in God is strong and has been for a very long time. What exactly does she want to fix?

I agree her motives are pure - even better, she really cares about you and your family. That's why it makes me giggle. People like that make me want to smile and pinch their cheeks, but it might offend them.

With my first marriage, my ex-MIL is a DEVOUT Pentecostal preacher, and she presided over our wedding. She and I are very close, so it was natural for her to want to convert me - same when my son (her grandchild) came into this world.

It took her a while to realize my faith is strong too and I don't need fixing. It took some frank and open discussions though. What made it work was both of us knowing how deeply we care for each other.

I attended her church off and on over the years, more so after my son was born. IMO, he's free to make his own decisions on religion, but he has to be aware of his options first.

Mom LOVED it when we all came to church as a family. She loved introducing us to new members. Mom is a very dark-skinned black woman. She'd place her arm around me (Scandinavian) and say "this is my daughter." She'd place her arm around my husband (Mexican/Pima/Mayan) and say "This is my son" (my ex now lives in California) She'd then place her arm around my son (light-skinned black who resembles her) and say "This is my grandson." People wouldn't quite know how to respond, but you could see the wheels turning in their heads - wondering how it happened.

I can understand why you would have been upset about the gown. It should have been yours, but those rules are strict - with some, those rules are the glue that holds their faith together. As Annie Lennox would say, you're not supposed to "mess with a missionary man" (or woman).

I would recommend a cup full of patience, with a teaspoon of honesty gently folded into the mix....wear a hard hat to protect yourself from excessive thumping. Good luck!

How do you deal with people that want to fix you?

I throw water balloons at them.

Well, I'd like to.

I am having a similar problem myself and have been trying to figure out how to handle it. I don't want to detour your thread so when I collect my thoughts I'll start another thread.

I was really sick one day. Couldn't hold any food or water down and hadn't slept or bathed for days. Some fresh-faced kids were knocking on my door, so I dragged myself over to the door to have a little talk with them. They asked if I wanted to know about God, so I smiled as nicely as I could, shook my head, and politely told him "No thanks. I'm good." They looked at me closer, noticing my condition, and said "Are you sure?" I responded "Can't you tell?"

They didn't know what to say, so they moved on to the next house. Poor kids - I wonder why they haven't come over to visit - hope I didn't scare them.

Sorry for going off topic, but it's not MY fault - Yoda started it!

YODA!...Step....away.... from....the....balloons.

(Kathy frantically fills up her balloons with helium)

That's it, Yoda - we FIGHT!

(again, Yoda's fault)

BALLOON FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

Kathy started it! Kathy started it!

Repeat after me....

"No thank you, I don't need to be born again/saved. I was born right the first time!!!" Then smile, and if they keep going....say it again.

Oh, dear... this is starting to sound like cyber holy wars.... Theological debate, helium bombs, water balloons.... Good thing there is some actual heart mixed into all of this. I think if you can hold onto that and respond with care on your side also, things will work out, but yep, be prepared for some wildly rolling eyes in the mean time Huggs!