Struggling with this thing called Faith

I was so mad at God for allowing certain things to happen to me. I believe that God can do anything in his power to stop things but God gave us free will. So he can't stop everything, he can try to help you make the right decisions. Well I had events that took me for a loop. I lost my faith in the process because I felt that God let me down and he wasnt' there for me, when I needed him the most. I got in depression and I overdosed on pills often but nothing happen. I still woke up the next day with the same pain, I had the day before. I hated the world and him for everything. Now I'm trying to get my faith back but I feel like I'm at a stand still trying to figure out if I should jump or walk the life I'm living now. I don't deserve his forgiveness but I know I am forgiven. You think that would just be enough you know. Maybe its because I haven't forgiven myself completely and thats why I can't turn back to God with everything. I'm scared of what happens when I say God Take ALL of Me. I just have so many questions and so many doubts in my head about this whole God thing. I don't want to fight this war on my own anymore and I just hope I can figure this stuff all before its too late.

If you believe in prayer, please keep me in yours.

Dear Xeneon,
I grieve for your suffering, and pray that you find the answers you need. I'll leave you with this thought: maybe God has it all figured out, even if you don't.
-m

It sounds like you have a good foundation but applying it is the trick. I wandered in the wilderness for a couple years working through many of the questions and feelings you have now.
2 things happened. One was the promise that God uses everything in our lives. I had to believe that he would use the bipolar to His glory (somehow).
The second thing was Job. He complained and complained. Finally God showed up and basicly put him in his place. What I got out of it was that God doesn't have to explain Himself to me.
We know what was going on behind the scenes but Job never did.
As a result I was able to leave it with Him. That put me back on the very long path eventually back to a solid faith

Please do read in the SOUL FOOD and At Jesus' Feet forums for more intense spiritual help...

God does not promise us an easy life. He does promise to be with us in our life if we've asked Him to be there. Life is the result of choices and decisions... ours and those around us, and sometimes by those we don't even know.

I've always believed that it's not WHAT we go through, but HOW we go through it... with or without God.

It does seem that it become harder to realize our faith if we are traumatized, though. But God is still there.
God doesn't upbraid us for asking for knowledge nor wisdom... He is gracious to give us more grace and help when we ask.

I pray that He will reach you and comfort you in all that you are enduring.

Thanks for the Soul food suggestion, I didn't even know that there was something like that. I haven't got the chance to explore.

My life has never been easy but I always had faith that God would protect me and take care of me. I came to the realization because he gives us free will it leads into other things that can happen. We mess up, we got to live with the after all result.

You have some great points that you have shared. Thanks!!
With the whole thing you said about how we go threw things. I shut God out of my life after what had happen. He probably could have saved me from all the pain, I had sooner but I shut the front door on him and said leave and never come back.

Thanks for replying!!

I think many do struggle with the idea of faith... at least once!

Okay... this may not be understood by some, but do try, please...

What I've come to realize is that the past is the past. How can I complain that God "wasn't there" to protect me when, in fact, I am here talking to you and living????

What's memory in my mind is not the current state of affairs.... right now (being mindful of the present only) I am doing just fine. I'm still dealing with things called "life" but the past really isn't anywhere but in my mind.

I work hard at not holding a grudge against other people... moreso against my idea of where and what God is.

x,
I read what you wrote and could relate. My faith in God holds because of His promises.
I went to a bible college which turned out to be cultic in some ways. Being financially ripped off really angered me, but I let it go. I know He's always mindful of where I'm at with decisions, because He will warn me not to do something which will not be good for me. Answers aren't always apparent. I do know I will suffer if I harbor grudges or unforgiveness for wrongs. He's saved my life a number of times, so I know He's there even in the valleys. I'm glad we are still talking of faith. All the best with your journey....

I know my past is my past but its more of the fact is that my past has lead me to this road. I try to do the whole thing about forgive and forget. I have forgiven who I needed to forgive because I don't want to go to hell because I have not forgiven someone its just that I'm at two roads and I'm stuck. I don't know why I'm so stuck but my unbelief in God might be more powerful right now. I have doubts in God and I need questions answered. I know some of my questions can't be answered and I'm okay with that but I'm just stuck in this whole thing called faith. I don't know if this makes sense to you or anyone else but I hope it does.

Quote:

I was so mad at God for allowing certain things to happen to me. I believe that God can do anything in his power to stop things but God gave us free will.

Quote:

I don't know why I'm so stuck but my unbelief in God might be more powerful right now

It's tough being so conflicted.

Can you share exactly what it is about "God" that involves your lack of faith? You obviously believe in God, yet you say you have unbelief as well. Is there something specific you are struggling with, rather than covering it under the word "faith"?

With my unbelief part is that I don't get how people can just put all there faith in something that you can't see. What if everyone is wrong? Someone asked me that when I was okay with this thing called faith and I told them, then I didn't loose anything because it makes us a better person to believe in something. Okay but here is the problem, I believe that there is God but I don't have relationship with him. I don't get how people can have a relationship with someone or something that you can't see or touch. My other things is too, is why would a person that loves us SO much give us all the pain we have. Yeah you can say to make us stronger and to makes us a better person but if you love a person SO much why would you give them that pain. Yeah I know God won't give us more then what we can handle but those answers aren't good enough. My other thing is too, how can people hate God so much and still have believers in this world. I have maybe one friend that believes in God and we don't talk about our faith together because shes not confortable with it. Plus I feel like shes a fake. But anyways...I have alot of other questions too. The more in depth this conversation gets, the harder it is going to be to let you know my point of view. As long as we stay away from the question of what happened to me that I lost faith. We are good. If you want that questioned answered, you can pm me and I will answer but I don't want the whole world to know my story.

If we could see it, to believe it, it wouldn't be "faith".

I was wondering about your foundational relationship with God and thank you for sharing that. I usually suggest that a person, if they really wish to find God, talk to Him and ask Him to show Himself to them. I have never found a situation where the person asked and God was silent.

Of course you can't have real faith in something you don't believe in...that is a contradiction for sure.

We live in a sinful world full of people who have no higher power to guide them, nor to govern their morals and ethics of behavior. We all suffer because of this, imo.

I will pray that in spite of what you have experienced, that you will find God and realize His love and His faith for you.

I go to church every Sunday. I am on the church missionary board. I prayed last night for the first time in 2 years. I didn't feel any different but I'm sure God heard my prayer.

I believe in God but I don't have faith in God. I need to learn to just have faith.

Thanks for the prayers and responding!

Yup...I relate.

Hello Xeneon. I am sorry to hear you are so troubled with faith. I wish to share with you my realization, which bears quite some similarity to faith. Maybe it will help. Do not feel obligated to listen. I am no authority on faith, God, or anything.

The way I see it, there is an error in our thinking, which causes us to blame God for our pain. God, the way most people understand God, the prime mover, one without whose will a sparrow does not fall from the sky, indeed is, by all accounts of ours, in or causing everything that happens, all that is born, all that dies, and even you gaining money, and you losing money. But it is not God that causes your pain. It is your MIND, your story about what happened, that causes your pain.

Let me illustrate this error with a simple example. Let's say you see a lovely flower, just incredibly beautiful. You admire this flower, you are happy that it exists, you inhale its sweet, sweet, fragrance, you gently touch the silky soft petals. You love this flower. And then someone comes along and casually steps on it. You erupt in anger! Right? This callous person destroyed this amazing beauty that you loved. Maybe you yell and scream. Maybe you just sit and cry, overcome with grief. Whatever your reaction, you suffer.

But lets say no one came along. The flower just bloomed over, wilted, and died, no more beauty. Well, let's blame GOD then! Now, I do realize that most of us grudgingly accepted the reality of wilting of flowers and for most part we are gracious enough to not get angry at God over that little "oops", how forgiving of us, right? But we are not that forgiving with the rest of the stuff.

We are ingrates, that's all. Instead of living in the moment, and appreciating, loving, thankful for this amazing miracle around us, we COMPLAIN. Never mind that there was a flower, so amazing, so sweet, we are upset that it isn't anymore. Never mind that there was lovely child, so pretty, so smart, so lively, we are in pain that she's no more. Never mind there was a big fat bank account with our name on it, and we could afford decadent luxuries, and help the people we love, we are upset that the money is gone.

We constantly, incessantly, INSANELY argue with what IS. We believe that, that which happened shouldn't, that those who died, shouldn't have. And that is the source of our pain. Refusal to simply accept what is. Nothing should be simpler, right? What is, is. What happened, happened. But no, we have a compulsion to cry over a spilt milk, to suffer endlessly over everything that we can't change, for the very reason that we can't change those things, rather than direct our energies into what we CAN change.

There is a scene in one of the old movies, "Out of Africa", when Karen stands over Denys' grave and says "Now take back the soul of Denys George Finch Hatton, whom You have shared with us. He brought us joy...we loved him well. He was not ours. He was not mine."

Originally I was too stuck in the selfish view of life, and I only heard "poor woman, that man was never going to marry her, so yeah, he was not hers." But it was much bigger. That acceptance, that basic understanding, that none of this stuff, none of the people are ours, is the ticket to freedom from suffering, and, perhaps, a ticket back to faith. They and everything is "only" ours to love, and it is indeed "ours to love". It is our choice, our free will. If you love someone and "God takes" him or her, go and love some more, or stay stuck in pain for the rest of your life. Your choice.

I have immense trouble with believing in anything or anyone.

As for Faith....

The way I see it...

Analogy.....

See the chair your about to pull out and sit in?

You already have "faith" within you just have to trust it.

so you pull out the chair and FAITH keeps you from falling to the ground.

YOur in my thoughts and go as slow as you need to if "faith" is what your searchingfor.

*hugs* Crew

I get what your trying to saying but I haven't lost anybody. People in this world do bad things to other people. You can't stop what other people do, I know but you can't tell me to say okay thats my past get over it. I'm not choosing to be stuck. I am stuck!!!

I surely hope you haven't thought I said "it's past get over it"... because it wasn't my point. I have to move on from what memories I hold in my mind... embracing the facts that the mind doesn't recall anything totally accurately...knowing that especially things that occur when young, and events of high stress, these are not recorded accurately in the mind at all to begin with, and deteriorate with age. The way I trudge them up and reflect adds to their impact, negatively or positively. I have made a conscious effort to tell myself that all that stuff is not reality for the here and now, and exist really only in my memories. I choose to move on in spite of them.

It's tough when you feel stuck.
I think people here are offering ideas in hopes that one of them will help you find your own solution, not insisting that use something that worked for me or them.

If you've read in the forums I suggested, then you must have realized that I believe in a personal God and a personal relationship with God. Until I made that move, I had a void in my life that I "knew" should be filled with "God" yet when I went to church or read my Bible, I did not find the Source. It took someone else pointing me in the direction of a personal relationship that allowed that void to be filled. I think only God can fill it. Nothing else will satisfy. Each element has it's own puzzle slot and nothing else fits in it, and that's how I guess you could see God (higher power) is too?

I continue to pray that you will find this Peace you seek.

Gods will always allow us to experience life exactly the way it happens

it would be a great disservice to us, denying us the opportunities to learn, to grow and to become more like Him

It makes sense with personal God thing because people can read the bible go to church and all but if they don't have a personal relationship with God. God doesn't want to just seem apart of our lives. He wants in our lives.

Thanks for taking the time to give me advice and everything. It means alot!! Thanks for the prayers too!!

Oh so true! I heard something that has stuck with me over the years, how that sitting in church doesn't make a person a believer just like sitting in a garage doesn't make someone a car.

There are plenty of people in church who are seeking and not fully realizing.

I like that saying!!!

Some people say that when God is the farthest away is when he is the closet to you. I wish would just whisper something in my ear then.

The sad fact is that we are powerless in a way. I emphasis "in a way". Sometimes life comes at us lie a tsunami. The past cannot be changed. What happened happened. The question is how to move forward. The problem is the hurt in the past colors our vision of the future. So what do you do?
I believe that it is different for everyone.
But there are some core elements that are the same.
Finding faith is one of them. Or regaining it, because as children we had faith that all was fine and would be fine.

I understand your pain all too well, but I have learned that I will not always feel Gods presence with me but just knowing that He is with me is enough. I know He will protect me and my family through anything. Yes, I have endured some horrific events in my life and for a long time I too was angry with God but that anger was too much of a burden to carry so I gave it to God. I do not understand and never will why certain things happened to me but He had a reason... something good this I know. I encourage you to give all your problems and cares to Him because His shoulders are much bigger than ours!! That is my take on it. I hope this has helped you

Your welcome Xeneon,
When my daughter hit age three every day I was presented with a lot of what is that and "WHY". And I found it exhausting because to every answer I presented to a WHY there was still yet another WHY. And so I devised a way to allow her to ask a certain amount of WHY'S and then present an answer that could not be presented with yet another WHY.

It is human nature to continuously ask WHY and try to find ways to either SEE or FEEL or TOUCH or even HEAR the answers. We use our senses that relay messages to our brains to collect information and understand our environment and life itself.

When I had to answer the question, "WHAT IS AIR?" that was challenging because it is not something we can readily see. When I think about that question that Abaham asked God and his answer "I AM" I cant help think about the many answers I had to give too to a three year old and to be honest that question kept coming the whole time I raised my daughter and even comes today.

In my own life I have had many challenges and serious questions. I had to make a decision at one point when I had found out my alcoholic husband who had stopped drinking and was in recovery admitted to cheating on me. I also had a child that asked me if she was going to lose her mommy and daddy together family that she had always been so proud of and made her feel special. I didn't know what to do, what was best, and I could not seem to find an answer. I finally decided to bring the question right to god. I pulled into a church and asked to see a preist and present the question to him. Well, the poor man was completely overwhelmed and I really caught him off guard and he really didn't know what to say. That was when I realized that church is not the one place to find GOD. That is why JD's input about the Church and the Garage makes so much sense, especially to me.

So I had to look in a lot of different places, but one place that was important was in the feelings of my own child and what it meant to her. I finally made the decision to stay and try to give my daughter what she asked for and find the strength to somehow forgive my husband. It was a very challenging journey and did have a profound effect on me. But I did notice along the way there were little messages coming from different places that helped to guide me. And I had to learn how to listen and watch for these messages. I did pray a lot and every time I did I would find answers, often in the most unexpected places.

I am a middle aged woman and I have been through a lot in my life, many challenges that I had to find a way through. And it was very challenging and I tried my best and I am sure I made mistakes, but I did try. And I realize that for the rest of my life I am going to continue to ask WHY and HOW TO UNDERSTAND AND OVERCOME. And I also realize that every human being is going to do the same. If I can share any of the messages and wisdom and understanding I have gained, perhaps I am just another part of that big answer, "I AM", "I AM EVERYWHERE", "I AM IN YOU".

Open Eyes