Pray?

A big part of sharing --talking with others- about faith and such in general is what gives me support from within, to hear it and know it all over again. Without being able to do that, maybe I can't keep it real for myself... it's like so what? And at this point that's fine with me... you know? I have a heavenly home and it's far better than the life I have now on earth.

Maybe it's because I always believed that God has a purpose for each individual... and waits for them to find Him and it. Now I know he has no more purpose for me here.

((((JD)))))
For what you believe, there should be no reminder, but for what you believe, it is his choice and you are to remain until he makes HIS choice. Your purpose is that you are here for as long as he needs you, and it for his reasons that none of us understand, however hard it may seem, none us know until sometimes maybe we see why we are here, it could be but for just one other that we have yet to know.

Open Eyes

What kind of purpose are you looking for?

My IRL life seems to be full of purpose & full of wonderful sharing of my faith in several different areas & studies & the women I ride with all share the same faith as I do which we can talk about when we are out riding.

There are many wonderful older people in my little town to do & share with. Got finished writing up the notes from the simulcast we went to a few weeks ago & shared it with all who weren't able to attend. I know that there must be similar opportunities to share & find God's purpose for your life in your area & I would imagine that there are plenty of places to find studies to get involved in what ever fits your interest. Know that there is always something new to learn because the Word never stops talking to us. I am deep involved in a study on David......what wonderful insight it's giving...how much all our lives are like David's. Also just getting started on another study that is less intense on the amount of work involved. I know that there is no end to the learning I need to be involved in & at the same time, trying to find the time to give of myself to others in the community.

Is there a place you can get involved in which has learning & giving opportunities? Just wondering how you know he has no more purpose for you here? I know that I barely have to look & he piles it on. Maybe you need to move up here to our tiny community where the needs & opportunities are abundant.

I'm tapped out with volunteering. 50 years of being in one org or another. They are too up and coming, young 20 and 30 somethings with lots of energy and no wheelchair to have to accommodate (or service dog.)

The people in my life are my PT, T, and PCA, and on a less often MD, and DMD.

I've had a recent talk in the street with a neighbor who is going to try and fix my riding mower.

And then there's you here at PC.

I haven't even been to the movies, and I used to go every week... but eating popcorn and soda was part of the experience, and I eliminated the soda and switched to tea...but alas it's still making me sick. Plus I have to not be tired from being up all night instead of sleeping, and be able to sit (even though I still get up 3-4 times a movie )...

I used to eat out every day... and haven't done that in 2 years now.

So those were two other "groups" of people I would see. Not much fun or such, just hello etc.

I've tried to find a church. I won't go into that fiasco after fiasco. The church my mom was a member, well they "forgot" to tell me about their new member's class...twice. I get the hint. The wife of the preacher really is rude to me, and snarky. I don't need that either.

I recently "joined" at christianmingle though didn't pay yet. Good thing. No one wants someone who needs a wheelchair... even at my age. I figured once I was old then they would be too, and slow. lol nope. Those who had made contact blocked after the pictures went up...and it wasn't me that scared them off.

I"m tired of trying. If God has something, He has to orchestrate everything, including lack of pain and ability to do, good sleep, etc. He hasn't bothered in 25 years. I'm not holding my breath any more, instead I pray to not wake up.

I forgot another contact I had recently, the repairman for my side by side and my washer too. Problem is, the longer you talk to them, the more it costs you. Oh and every other week I get my nails done (not enjoyable, it's because I can't do them myself and they look bad long before the allotted two weeks, actually, no now that I think of it, the insurance won't cover but once every 8 weeks...I have to go on my own because I need to. I know, at least I can. So the problem is the lady always talks to me, asking all sorts of questions for answers. I have to pay attention to what she's doing. .. and she surely has no answers for me.)

I don't mean to sound like I'm countering everything. The more I think about things, the more I realize things are really deeper and more difficult (worse?) than I recall on the surface. I need to go back to the basic issue of purpose. Paying other people's salaries (and helping to provide electricians and garbage men jobs etc ) is it. Yes, I guess those people are pretty happy I'm in their lives.

You know I don't think that people put you off because your a bother, I think that it is because your so smart and you just know more than them. I am wondering if you could start your own small Faith group that can meet in your home. Even just a couple of people or maybe you could offer something like that to a battered womans home of some kind, some place where some of these women can come and learn about your faith. Maybe your just looking in the wrong places JD. Maybe you are looking in the places that don't really have a need. And your in a wheel chair and there are also other seniors that are lonely as well, there are probably other people that cant get out as much just like you. And many seniors that are smart, wont go to senior centers because they don't want to be around seniors that are not all there, now I know you struggle but you are definitely there.

Open Eyes

Maybe there's a problem with approach......when we do all the trying without the asking then we are trying to take the control. We are promised that our needs will be met if we only ask......it's obvious that what you are asking for isn't the answer God wants to give. Give as much energy to asking to be provided with opportunities & then be willing to listen to the answer & follow the guidance even if it isn't what you want......remember, God's usually has nothing to do with what we want or are willing to do....I'm sure you are quite aware of all the examples of that fact.

Getting the sense at this point that it has to be JD's will & not God's at this point.......sounds like God is doing some work with you to try to get you to listen to him instead of yourself. Remember, he knows your heart & when he knows your heart is willing to listen.....he will provide.

I understand how we definitely get into a place of feeling sorry for ourselves & the condition we find ourselves in.......but what we need to do is accept where we are & do the best we can with what we are given.

I have been cutting down my social activities....mostly due to money....I don't even have enough money to pay for enough gas for my truck to last the month through.....so by the end of the month I find myself sitting at home just watching things happen around me. I definitely understand pain also.....after fracturing my back earlier this year, I am not able to do all the things I am used to doing because when I do too much it takes me several days to recover.....sadly, that even included the fun longer trail rides that I have been doing for the last 4 years. There are things that I know that are necessary for my spiritual growth however & I make sure that I am involved for as much of the month as possible in those things that WE are directed to be involved in.

I agree that there are some people that it's wise for us to not be around....it's important to be aware of conflicting personalities....but we do need to be careful that we aren't JUDGING others without using God's standards & not our own personal prejudices. I understand that this can definitely happen within some of the groups.....there was a lady that took over the president position & I felt like I was back in junior high with her petty behavior......when actions don't match words....that is definitely time to be discerning......which is the wise thing to do. However, we need to make sure that is where our decisions are really coming from. It's very easy to get our feelings hurt & then judge people based on our emotions rather on the fact that their motives really weren't being addressed against us.

I must admit that when we are made to feel at home, that warm feeling is very obvious to recognize.......I know that most of the groups that I am involved with have made me feel like family.....however one sunday, they cancelled the service because the heater was broken in the middle of winter & it was snowy & icy.....but no one called me even though they called everyone else. I could have taken that situation very personal......but I knew that the person doing the calling didn't have my cell phone number....can't hold something against someone when they couldn't have possibly included me....it's important to be able to analyse the situation logically before jumping to conclusions. Know that jumping to conclusions is the most easy reaction....but but it usually only ends up hurting ourselves & no one else. Ah, the topic from my DBT group last week....."cutting off your nose to spite your face".....how easy it is for us to get caught up in that behavior & then feel that everyone else is against us.

Know it's hard when our emotional mind is in control to allow our rational mind to even have a say in our life.....but it's a very important part of our decision making process.

Hope that your rational mind will kick in soon so that you can get back into understanding of what your purpose is. The more we blame our condition for our situation, the more unhappy we grow & when that happens, we know it's not coming from God.

sending you & caring 's

I can't read and comprehend everything being written, but I will keep rereading until I can.

I am not comfortable with people in my home, not since the injury (25 years!) however I did more than my share of entertaining the previous 26 years.

I can't lead anything. If I am consistent it's in being inconsistent.

Probably everything listed as to what is/are my problems and how I got there are true. It doesn't matter. I've been working hard in therapy to counter everything... it's like the injury undid everything I had "solved" and "resolved" as to negative aspects and dumped them all out on the mind's floor... and nothing has been fully resolved again.

You've made my points: here I am where I am, regardless of why in one sense, because of all the effort and learning and doing to escape the results ... here I am... like this, feeling like I am... probably the greatest reason for my despair.

God loves me, yes.

((((JD)))), Thats a good way of describing PTSD how before it was as though everything had an order and was arranged in the mind, then something happens and suddenly we find that everything is on the minds floor scattered about. As we begin to see how much is scattered the brain has troubles and can't even begin to figure out how to reorganize the mess on the floor of the mind.

Just as you, for 21 years I had many come here for lessons and other things. I was organized and seemed to manage very well. Though I am not in a wheel chair with and accident like yours behind me, I can't manage to bring myself to that constant interaction of people coming and going, ofcourse my animals were ruined and like you I am still dealing with my mind being scattered on the floor.

And I am sure you'll agree that as I try to begin to address the pieces on the floor, if anything bad presents itself, often I feel like whatever I have managed to put in place again can scatter on the floor. And that my friend is PTSD. And the feeling of hopelessness, yes, that is there for me too. And the best I can do at the moment is once again try to put only possible remnants of the pieces on the floor of my mind.

Oh, there is anger there about the mess on the floor and how it wasn't even me that did it. And as I can see the mess and the often fruitless attempts to find some way to make any progress, others dont see it, they just don't. Even now as I am talking to you JD, I am treading lightly because I do not want to disrespect your pieces on your floor. Because I know all to well how very hard it is to explain to others how very difficult it is to stare at the pieces on the floor.

And I know that private thought as I lay my head down to try to sleep at night, a silent prayer to not wake up anymore. Many times I pray and I tell God how hard it is and that I am trying but I can't seem to find my way through all the pieces on the floor. And I even ask him if he might be angry at me because I can't seem to manage all these pieces though I have been trying so hard.

There is a way off message that comes into my mind that is a realization that I am never going to organize those pieces as they once were, that is gone now. I hear a soft voice in the back of my mind that is tired and asking what shall I do now, and I havent found the answer yet. I have been doing very little, so hard to manage, and I have been pushing to at least try to muster to keep covering the expenses of feeding my animals. And I am still so lost and I am not sure what to do, or what I can do. And I don't want to ask others because they just cannot see the many pieces on the floor of my mind, if only they could, by they cant and that makes me feel even lonelier.

When I read eskielovers posts I began to see how another has managed and that she somehow just left the pieces on the floor and began a new. And as she says, yes those pieces are still there, she feels sad about that, but she has also put her faith in front of those pieces and goes from one day to the next to see what God will do.

I am like you in many ways JD and I feel like I have to control the pieces or the resurection of what those pieces meant. Part of me is asking for help in my prayers and I often find myself appologizing because if there is an answer, I surely cannot hear it. And I know how really hard it is JD, I really do and how often I just seem to be in a place of confusion and all I seem to see is the pieces on the floor blowing around and it often overwhelms me and then I even pray harder.

My constant message is that if I don't know what to do, than do nothing and wait for an answer. But I am not even sure that is the right thing to do. But at this point all I can do is get from one day to the next and hope I find my answer.

But here is what I do know, I am here and this really helps me a lot, it is one piece that I have managed to pick up from the floor and it has helped a lot. And you really helped me with that, more than you will know. And I have met eskielover and heard her story and I know that you helped her too and it made that possible for her to find her way to listening to the message being given to her from God. And as I think about her message and how she is accepting her way now, I am thinking how maybe I need to believe that I will do the same.

I am sorry you can't see us physically and that we cant come to your home and physically be there with you, but we are there in spirit and you have been here for us. And there are others I am sure that feel that way too. So maybe you can't ever pick up those pieces and put them back like before, but maybe what you need to realize is to only use the pieces that whatever condition you are in, you can still hear calls of help and continue to make efforts to reach out.

As far as the suggestions are concerned? Dont discard them because there may be a way to address some physical presence around you that you have not found your way to yet. But just keep in mind that you are only going to be able to use some of those pieces and you are only going to be able to let God take care of the rest.
I guess you have to learn to let JD give up all the control and allow yourself to accept and use what is left that God is placing there for you. And just know, I am trying very hard to see that as well JD, and I can say, it is very hard to see, but I will keep on praying.

Open Eyes

JD: I hope you get rested. I'm beginning to think retreats from our familiar environments and landscapes of people is a truly healthy thing.

Open Eyes, Thank you so much for your reply. I don't know too many people on PC, but it's cliquey and also surreal to try to reach out to people we've never met; but that's the therapy of it! I don't know what the court battle was you went through which you referred to, but I hope it's resolved. I'm trying to make sense of the unresolved episodes throughout my life, attacks from people mostly, escpecially in work situations. Now I can take photos, paint, draw, sew, relax at home. Something you wrote hit home: it's not really unselfishness, but self protection and preservation to avoid the victimization to users and predators. I was burned in love about a year ago now by a Cicilian sociopath disguised as a romantic laborer; I thought I had seen every ugly psychological disorder on the planet but this, as you said, came out of the blue in the night. Deception, deception, the art of evil to beguile the unloved. I have put on the armour of God. P.S. what does it mean here when a site or series of postings are locked? There is so much talk of sex and drugs, but strange censorship of "religion."

I hope you have a great day, both of you. I really appreciate your personal reply, Open Eyes; it meant alot for me to read it today, as I'm battling a medical problem and feel very alone in it.

((((tohelpafriend))))),
Oh I am sorry your still struggling, how awful you had to deal with such a strange presence that you really had no way of knowing the reality of it, how hard that is to get past and even find a way to trust again, I truely cannot blame you for that. And unfortunately I can truely identify with it as well, all of it down to the spec of wondering how to reach out and even begin to trust or even be understood. Misunderstood is the ongoing dilemma of PTSD, not only by others but by ourselves.

As far as that sense of a clique and lost feeling of how to connect around it, that too sadly is a symptom of PTSD, very hard to stop that sense of wondering who will either hurt you next or even reject you some how next. Believe me your truely not alone in that and there is a strong undertow of that emotion being expressed within this thread. And if you take the time to look back in this thread eskielover has expressed her own ways of learning how to protect herself from running to that trend of thought through DBT therapy. And she has really explained that constant battle that she is becoming aware of this fact. It will be an ongoing effort on her part to learn the tools needed to help her look beyond the PTSD worries and constant assumptions easily presented to a better way of learning how to react to the messages received to her by the actions and expressions of others.

Oh it is very hard to understand the line between learning about the bad parts of other humans that always seem to catch us off guard, and find new ways to help ourselves get beyond that to somehow trusting again.

Open Eyes We all need to continue supporting each other with lots of hugs and understanding.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, JD. God can turn anything around. Can you create art and bring beauty to the world? Art helps me as a way to "express out"; learning something new. Being in a wheelchair doesn't confine your spirit. This week I learned my good friend died alone at the home of someone for whom she was a live-in housekeeper. She was a saint, always doing for others. For months she couldn't talk, (she had a stroke); she was an evangelist, but wrote with pad and pen. I got so angry at God...why this beautiful person who never harmed anyone, was always giving stuff away and ministering to the sick, should be so afflicted. I have no answer except that I knew she had a greater and more intimate relationship with angels at the end of her life and that she didn't die alone. A great light went out from OK when she left. Keep being a light.
I live alone, but when I go to the beach with my dog, I take photographs and plan to make cards with them. I feel power from the roaring sea, peaceful sea, and feel satisfied. Contentment is a great gain when we can feel those moments. When I think I am owed something, I check myself. When we reach a dry place, we have to keep sowing, I think, in my humble opinion. 'hope my words don't offend in anyway.

GOD loves me.
I am worthy of His love.

(This applies to you, too )

Open eyes: Thanks for the hug and very smart insights...in T for the last 5 years, we never thought I had PTSD. How does one begin to identify the source; for me it has been many, I guess. We did start with some DBT; I had considered buying the book and will look at it again on amazon today. 'Nice to know you are in CT!! 'hope the animals continue well. Yes, there is a fine line, I agree. I will read back on the post you referred to. I will check out the PTSD dialogues; this is totally something new for me. I was vulnerable when I met this guy; and should have known better to investigate his background; there is no shortage of predators out there. Have a happy day; hope to chat again soon, "help"

Yes; thank you for that. He loves me just the way I am today!

Thank you all for caring. Seems nothing else I do or say ... or think is the right path.... Im ready to go home.

Sometimes I feel that way too JD, honestly the PTSD is often cruel. It really can be very hard. I do it one day at a time. I try, thats the best I can do, the best anyone can do.
Open Eyes

You may be ready, but God isn't ready......when I realize that, then I realize that my ready isn't God's will & it's time when I need to be more aware of trying to listen. You know the example with the flood & the helicopter.......when we aren't getting our purpose, there is usually a reason......& it's usually because we are rejecting all the life boats that we have been sent & not acknowledging that they are from God or they aren't what WE want. I know that PTSD can definitely keep our view from seeing what God wants for us......we definitely know who uses things like that & provides us with all our rationalization to keep us from seeing.

When that happens in our life, we need to fight the effects that are keeping us from hearing the purpose that God keeps sending us but we keep rejecting with the rational that he isn't telling us anything.

God knows you can get yourself through this difficult time & hopefully break the pattern that PTSD has created for you. It doesn't mean that the physical issues will go away, but they will no longer be the reasons why the life boats & opportunities that are presented are rejected. It's hard work, but since when isn't it hard work to stay where God expects us to stay?

When for so long we don't hear God purpose for us, we need to stop & think about why?...... drowning it with our "I cant's", or our "I don't want to's"....you can guarantee that God is not silent for 25 years.....the problem is usually that God is telling us what we don't want to hear or can't hear ......but which ever it is, it's our job to counter the problem & get back into the relationship that God wants us to have......in many cases using whatever psychological technique that may help or any other help that we can use & a lot of prayer asking for our relationship to return & for the block to be removed. Only with God's help will you find your new purpose in life but you also have to be willing to follow his will for you. It's obvious that going home wasn't his will or he would have taken you 25 years ago. Like I said....PTSD is good at getting us stuck & that is a definite battle that has to be fought in order to go on with the NEW purpose for our life. Keep asking & listening.....God's been talking to you all along, it's just been masked with the PTSD & the disabilities....with his help you will be able to overcome & accept your life as it is now along with finding the new purpose which has come after the PTSD & disabilities.

Keeping you in my

God has not been "silent" even though I don't sense Him as I had in the distant past. No, He gives small evidences (and some biggie too ) quite often... but they are not so much leading me to where I should be or things I need to be doing as they are just acknowledgements that He knows where I am. O. K. And that's it?

I try to assure myself in various ways, especially recalling that I did so much ministry in the previous "25 years" (not quite) of life that I get to rest now. However, I'm reminded not to dwell in the past for any reasons...

I don't understand how those who are aged care to continue living. This was deeply difficult for me in encouraging my own mother the last few years of her life. If she wasn't living to "see" the rapture, then why stick around (I never voiced this, as she loved life more than I did anyway.) She would often ask me, with regards to the my progressive disability in physical elements, "What are you going to do when you're my age?" and I would answer I'm not living that long. Hmmm I stopped staying and thinking that, knowing I was programming my brain and body to that respect.

I recall visiting countless shut ins who couldn't attend church, weekly visits and always wondering how they had such sweet spirits (generally, but then how many were real, you know? I mean doesn't everyone put on a show for the minister etc) and in spite of their plights, pushing onward to gain even one more day on the earth. I was young then. I am not now and cannot possibly connect with any joy of living. Where is this joy of the Lord? Deep inside I am I guess, regarding my salvation and knowing where I will be when I die, and I would not trade that for anything. Not never ever for anything. But enough to remain caught up in this thing which is my life? That's another story.

Sigh. I have enough Cherokee in me to know that once I really set my mind, heart, soul, spirit to it that I could just go sit somewhere and stop living and change energy and go to be with God. How nice that would be rather than the trials and tribulations of life and the heartaches of things that "should" be (yes, I said it).

I suppose these are the times that I am to sit humbly by and give. I need to be content with that perhaps? Content. Aye there's the rub.

God shows others himself through how we handle our trials & tribulations. If we do not reflect him through them then we are not showing his life through ours. Be thankful in all things.....even the trials & tribulations......that is one of the ways we show him when it seems our life is no longer worth living.....& it gets us out of feeling that way.....yes, JOB is probably the best example.....but David also fits in there too.

Unfortunately when we get stuck on our disabilities & our PTSD, we are also the only ones that can give us the kick in the rear to live our life for God to shine through the crap. When we focus on how God is shining through us, it helps us put our condition into perspective especially when God gives us that desire to be a witness for his life....even if it's only trough our actions & not out direct words.

We never know who's lives we will touch....& sometimes we never do know who we have touched.....that our attitude toward life is that witness.....sometimes God makes that our purpose whether we like it or not. When it what we knowingly do, then it's easy to get caught up in our own pride.....what "we do" or what "we have done" rather than what "God has done through us". Sometimes unknown to us, that our heart's attitude has really been "what we have done"....remember, God knows our heart even though we may not be willing to admit to what our heart is doing.......God knows what he wants from us & sometimes takes away the things that our heart isn't ok with (& we don't even really know that our heart has been doing that).

I know that my music & my flute playing was a big part what I was doing for God....how in the world could God take away my flute (it was stolen out of my truck 4 years ago & couldn't afford to replace it). I realized that my flute playing was really about me & I wasn't focusing on the God in the whole performance thing I was doing. I do miss my flute & being able to express myself through it.....but that's in my past & some things we just have to accept....not that we feel they are good, but then being thankful in all things is about finding the good in everything that has come into our life as we know that from the bad, God will make good come from it....but we also have to be open to it & be willing to look for that good & see it no matter how subtle it might be. Yes, it can also be looked at as the Polyanna game but the roots of that game came from what God directs us to do with out lives.

Know it's hard to get out of thought processes like this....especially when your neuropathways have had a minimum of 25 years to reprogram....but then it sounds like you were already thinking those thoughts long before your disability hit.....maybe it's God way of trying to wake you up & get rid of that thinking because it's not what he wants from our lives & it's definitely what can be used against us so to keep God from shining through our life.

Keeping you in my .....& wanting you to know that this topic is something I know God has been wanting me to think about because so much on this subject has been hitting me lately. Just got a new book today to start reading "Radical Together" David Platt. Don't know if you have read it but it's about unleashing the people of God for the purpose of God. Thinking it might be good or discussion in our social group.

What you are going through is something we all go through...you are not alone......the thoughts that I write are just thoughts that have helped me through the same struggles you are having.

Every morning when I wake (for the day, I mean, not during the night because of pain)...I try to welcome the day, say Good Morning to God, and get up. Generally, it's a struggle due to the chronic pain and it takes at least 15 minutes for enough of the medicine to get me functioning...and another 45 minutes for full vision to adjust.

For several weeks it's been... during that first few minutes...the thoughts added were Oh no I woke up. I was thinking lately that it was an exogenous depression (meaning reactions to external issues, thoughts about such) and have been working to try and change that thinking and just have hit wall after wall....

Yesterday when I saw my MD (for what I thought was a complete physical (not) ... I did convince her to give me a shot of cortizone (decadron) because of the sciatic pain from inflammation. Last night I realized that I actually thought I smelled my coffee. This morning I know I smelled coffee. Coming back from a late lunch today, when I got into the car I smelled gas. Phew! OH! I smelled fuel!!! My mood is up some too... and I thought it was because I used to eat out daily and haven't in months and did go and get pizza...

But now I think that it's my allergies that have caused the depression (indogenous) ... the rains have been relentless and I know that causes mildew or mold on the screens in the patio and in the air in general... etc... the decadron, while helping with the inflammation and also clearing up my lungs some... is obviously fighting the allergies as well.

In short, I'm not so depressed today as I have been.

JD

The darkness is always in service of the light. We are put through these tribulations to perservere. The only way, I find, is for the "I" to surrender the "self" to the higher self(collective and one). Thats how(and why) I meditate. B-blessed

JD Methinks I would translate BBlessd's post as "Let go and let God."

Trust that God has a purpose in letting you go through this "dry" period. "Oftentimes, the things we pray to be removed from our lives are the very things He's using to make us the kind of people He wants us to be... He is so trustworthy... and He has promised to walk with us "Through" (GVB) all the episodes of our lives." Guy Penrod.

Don't listen to what the enemy is telling you through your depression, Hon. Don't allow the things that people who don't know or don't care get inside your mind and work negatively. Set boundaries for what your mind will and won't accept. You know who you are. Stand firm in that.

We can talk more through PM.

JD I have been feeling much the same way lately. Just take me home! I know it is all I have been thru in the last couple of years and that I feel useless most of the time. depressed more than I have ever been. I know God has a work for you and me and that is what keeps us going. Hang in there hon. It will get better. we are not that old!

I think we all feel like we are ready to go home. Home has such a comforting sound to it. It rings softly in our brains, like a far distant church bell, calling us to a place where we can find silence and peace. Sometimes, however, that can also be "the other side of the fence", and not so green. We should not act upon our feelings but rather upon true knowledge; we cannot let "our hearts rule our heads."

Patience is a virtue and it is not easy. I have been in the same pew you have, and have prayed "every prayer in the book," and still long for home, as well. I have no idea what has kept my feet "glued" to this planet, except for the fact that I have had friends pick me up out of my despair, and carry me for awhile so I could heal, I suspect the "glue" was applied by someone at that time.

It is not "checkout" time yet JD. Stay with us because we LOVE you and we NEED you. Your posts on PC have helped many people, including me. I have lost many of my support people in the past year. I do not need to lose another. If, however, you decide to "pack your bags" and leave make a reservation for me when you arrive ... if it is the "happy place."

"God is love, and he who abides in love, abides in God, and God in him."