[seeker33]

I know no one is interested in my ranting again. I'm sorry. I don't expect that anyone will be able to help me. So I consider this mostly venting.
I still don't know who or what would help me! I'm scared of seeing new age pictures. Today I accidentally saw a picture of Buddha in a magazine and I'm immediately triggered. It makes me anxious and scared. The same as all other new age pictures, chakras, auras, shamans and even universe in a spiritual context.
Or they say being in nature is spiritual. Sure I absolutely love nature, I go to the forest, meadow or field almost every weekend when the weather is nice. I love animals! But being in nature is relaxing and psychologically healing. That's all. Nothing spiritual about it. Nature won't help me. It doesn't guarantee that bad things happen for a reason. It doesn't say everything will be OK even when we struggle now. So yeah, nature works 100% as a relaxation tool, but no connection to spirituality for me.

I'm not a fundamentalist, I don't even live in a Christian environment at all. This isn't anything rational, it's purely emotional, it upsets me greatly and I don't know why. I get almost ptsd flashback from any mention of eastern or alternative spirituality.
That stuff is everywhere! Such as people sharing crystal shops on fb, customers wearing red bracelets for protection, people referring to "universe" or "karma". Hearing any of these makes me anxious and scared and it reminds me that there's no purpose and no protection in this life. No one who helps or cares about us.
I wish I could be a Christian but I can't do that fully because it doesn't make logical sense.

But what's absolutely the worst is that I keep having emphatic experiences and precognitions that come true which would suggest new age is real however I HATE that stuff and it seems fake and superficial to me. I tried it when I was 18 and a result of meditation and chakra work was deep depression, self harm and social isolation. As well as derealisation. I will NEVER do any energy or chakra work!!! I absolutely hate having some kind of "psychic" abilities which keep reminding me of this stuff. I hate myself for struggling with this so much. I believe this is the worst symptom of my cptsd. There's no solution to it.

Just writing this has made me anxious I tried forgetting about religion but it keeps coming back, there's always something that triggers me!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, seeker33 Spirituality is not for everyone, please don't feel guilty about it. I'd suggest to just try to avoid anything related to it if it bothers you so much. If there are any people in your life that like to discuss this topic, ask them not to bring it up, if you haven't already. Avoid any social media sites that talk about spirituality. Unfortunately we can't change the world by ourselves, but we can change how we react to it. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. We're here for you if you need it. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Please don't feel guilty about venting here. You're not bothering us at all! We won't judge you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help tyou. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[seeker33]

Thank you for your support MickeyCheeky, I can feel you care. The problem is that my natural personality needs to know what the truth is. When I was 6 I was looking at the stars and I said to my mum : "I'm very interested in the universe. I want to know the real truth ". I was only 6 and no one taught me such things, it came from my own desire. I can't live as an atheist I'm not a materialistic person. My personality type needs spirituality but my trauma (and rationality /logical thinking) makes it impossible. I have literally the worst combination of personality traits, cognitive abilities and experiences possible. My heart and emotions can't exist without spirituality, hope and meaning. I see symbols and patterns everywhere, I need to see the bigger picture and connections in everything. But my brain rejects every spiritual theory as irational BS.
I have a curse of having both brain hemispheres equally active but there's no communication or synchronisation between them. Maybe it's a neurological pathology.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, seeker33 I understand what you mean. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you have many wonderful traits and many positive aspects - it's just that you can't see it at the moment. You're definitely not alone in this. Lots of people are struggling with understanding what the Truth may be. I know it's hard. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. I'd suggest therapy for you, but I remember you saying you're not interested. I don't have a lot of advice to give, but I'm here to listen. Either way, remember that we're here for you. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say. we care about you. Sending many hugs to you

[seeker33]

I do have therapy but I had to pause it for unexpected practical reasons. I do want to return soon (in the spring). I tried discusing this in therapy but my T wasn't helpful at all, she hates Christianity and tries to encourage me to be either atheist or new age. There were two or three sessions when she encouraged me when I said I was more interested in Christianity but I felt she wasn't genuine, she didn't understand me at all or why I was doing it. I tried explaining things to her so many times but she still doesn't understand! And it's very difficult to share my thinking when I know she personally disagrees. Because she's into crystals and such.

I have no one to talk to... don't even know what kind of profession or whatever would help me.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, seeker33 I know it's not the same thing as having a support system IRL, but remember that we're here for you. I hope you'll feel better. Perhaps you could try again with your therapist if you want. Hopefully one day you'll be able to be at peace with this. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Sending many hugs to you

[seeker33]

Thank you, you're very kind to me, Mickey.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I know no one is interested in my ranting again. I'm sorry. I don't expect that anyone will be able to help me. So I consider this mostly venting.
I still don't know who or what would help me! I'm scared of seeing new age pictures. Today I accidentally saw a picture of Buddha in a magazine and I'm immediately triggered. It makes me anxious and scared. The same as all other new age pictures, chakras, auras, shamans and even universe in a spiritual context.
Or they say being in nature is spiritual. Sure I absolutely love nature, I go to the forest, meadow or field almost every weekend when the weather is nice. I love animals! But being in nature is relaxing and psychologically healing. That's all. Nothing spiritual about it. Nature won't help me. It doesn't guarantee that bad things happen for a reason. It doesn't say everything will be OK even when we struggle now. So yeah, nature works 100% as a relaxation tool, but no connection to spirituality for me.

I'm not a fundamentalist, I don't even live in a Christian environment at all. This isn't anything rational, it's purely emotional, it upsets me greatly and I don't know why. I get almost ptsd flashback from any mention of eastern or alternative spirituality.
That stuff is everywhere! Such as people sharing crystal shops on fb, customers wearing red bracelets for protection, people referring to "universe" or "karma". Hearing any of these makes me anxious and scared and it reminds me that there's no purpose and no protection in this life. No one who helps or cares about us.
I wish I could be a Christian but I can't do that fully because it doesn't make logical sense.

But what's absolutely the worst is that I keep having emphatic experiences and precognitions that come true which would suggest new age is real however I HATE that stuff and it seems fake and superficial to me. I tried it when I was 18 and a result of meditation and chakra work was deep depression, self harm and social isolation. As well as derealisation. I will NEVER do any energy or chakra work!!! I absolutely hate having some kind of "psychic" abilities which keep reminding me of this stuff. I hate myself for struggling with this so much. I believe this is the worst symptom of my cptsd. There's no solution to it.

Just writing this has made me anxious I tried forgetting about religion but it keeps coming back, there's always something that triggers me!

I am sorry that you are struggling right now! I have real premonition that has come true. For me I try think of a good luck charms as meaning "faith is just believing in something" .

[seeker33]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I am sorry that you are struggling right now! I have real premonition that has come true. For me I try think of a good luck charms as meaning "faith is just believing in something" .

Thank you for the reply Buffy. Could you please explain what do you mean? How does this apply to my problem? I don't believe in anything and I don't wear good luck charms (superstition and new age).

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs seeker, you’re not bothering anyone here

(I’m sorry this reply is short, I’ll try to get back to this post if I have more thoughts to share)

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs, I’ve been reading this again. I wish I had something profound to say that would also be within the guidelines here (I usually don’t post much in this forum). I also haven’t found therapy helpful, particularly in a spiritual sense. I have heard there are good therapists out there who listen....Please feel free to post and vent as much as you want or need to.... you’re not alone in your struggles and confusion. PM me if you think it might help. Many hugs to you