[Blue_Bird]

I'm really sorry for your loss spincera

[worthit]

Thanks for letting us know, Spincera. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had to go to through the same thing in 2008 watching my mom pass. I wondered how come the birds can still sing and how come the son could still be shining the next day? It didn't seem fair.

Spincera I'm so sorry for your loss.

[jaynedough]

Spincera, I'm so sorry for all that you've been dealing with. Time will lessen the pain. IDK if it ever goes away completely. One day, though, you'll realize that you can take a breath without the heartache and you can smile for real, not just for show. That you can feel the sunshine on your face again and it doesn't make you sad. And that you can laugh without feeling guilty or disloyal. I hope you are able to get there soon, but please remember that everyone deals with grief in their own way and at their own speed. Be gentle towards yourself.

[spincera]

Originally Posted by jaynedough

Spincera, I'm so sorry for all that you've been dealing with. Time will lessen the pain. IDK if it ever goes away completely. One day, though, you'll realize that you can take a breath without the heartache and you can smile for real, not just for show. That you can feel the sunshine on your face again and it doesn't make you sad. And that you can laugh without feeling guilty or disloyal. I hope you are able to get there soon, but please remember that everyone deals with grief in their own way and at their own speed. Be gentle towards yourself.

Jaynedough,

Thank you for the kind words. I will read them often, because I hope to get to a point where I can do all the things you talked about.

I received the stuff that I shipped to myself that used to be my mom's stuff. I have two boxes, but I opened the one that I knew wouldn't make me cry. The second one has some things that my mother really cared about. That will be tough, but the tears will pass eventually.

Again, thank you and to all who replied to my post. It helps to know that others care and have also gone through what I have only begun to experience.

On a lighter note, it is a beautiful day outside, and I'd like to think that my mom is with me sharing in the beauty.

[dillpickle1983]

Going through it. Symptomatic as hell. Wish Bert & Ernie would shut up lol. Other than that I'm not sleeping well again and I wet the damn bed several times this week! WTH.

[jaynedough]

Originally Posted by dillpickle1983

Going through it. Symptomatic as hell. Wish Bert & Ernie would shut up lol. Other than that I'm not sleeping well again and I wet the damn bed several times this week! WTH.

Sounds rough! Have you had recent med changes? Hope things get better.

[Zeus123]

I was cleaning my contacts list on my phone and ran into a "friend's" number who caused me lots of anguish during my episodes and have not spoken to her in 3 years. Well, my question is should I delete/keep her info?

[dillpickle1983]

Originally Posted by Zeus123

I was cleaning my contacts list on my phone and ran into a "friend's" number who caused me lots of anguish during my episodes and have not spoken to her in 3 years. Well, my question is should I delete/keep her info?

I would delete their number personally.

[Zeus123]

Originally Posted by dillpickle1983

I would delete their number personally.

Thanks, I hesitated today because of 'what if'. She met with me a few times but as I got worse, before my diagnosis, she started to avoid me. We were coworkers and thankfully she moved out of state. I have a hard time placing our friendship but I don't think it ever developed. We have mutual friends who are all getting together this summer but since she will be there it gives me a lot anxiety and tension. I don't feel very social to begin with but not with her. Staying home instead.
Thanks I needed to hear it from someone else.

[worthit]

I had an outburst yesterday at work with my volunteers. It was embarrassing- the silence after it was palpable. Thankfully they started talking and I started talking on different subjects and hopefully it went better than I imagined. Also discussed with my P doc changing my diagnosis. He thinks I'm BPD but I don't think it fits me at all and neither does my T. So he is entertaining schizophrenia and bipolar. I don't know why he doesn't want the schizoaffective diagnosis that the previous p doc gave me. I think they don't like to use each other's diagnosis. So I'm fine with that. He said BPD only because I had an outburst with him because he wasn't listening to me. But I reminded him PTSD, which I also have, and schizoaffective, among others have outbursts as well

[Blue_Bird]

That's weird, people have outbursts sometimes. I guess it would be different if it was something that happened frequently. Hopefully whatever they decide to diagnose you with you get the right treatment

[worthit]

I have a graduation for 9 of the clients at work at my downtown job. They went through 16 weeks of diabetes prevention education. My Client lost the most weight, has the best eating track logs and the best kept binder. She might also tie for best attendance. I'm really proud of her. She has bipolar so she's done a good job despite the illness

worthit - to say you have BPD because you got irritated at him for not listening to what you were saying, is the stupidest thing i've ever heard and i'm actually laughing right now. jesus... these doctors sometimes. take care worthit.

thought i'd check in cause i haven't in a long time, and i have sort of been away from this board. i'm being bothered in my sleep and i'm "feeling energies" in the room again. also have been hearing high pitched electronic noises again, can't really pin-point where it's coming from. it's just annoying, haha. good news though - i have been out and about a lot more than usual. going grocery shopping and taking my kid out to do things, going for walks with the dogs and my kid. just trying to enjoy little things like the wind and the feeling of the sun. i haven't been dealing with my "thoughts" or whatever. just keep repressing them knowing that i'll explode soon. can't bring myself to write things out on paper for fear someone will read them. then i've noticed i've been trying as hard as possible to not even have thoughts because i feel like they're all being read anyway. ... i keep telling myself i'm fine but i keep fantasizing about suicide. hm. i won't do it, and i know it isn't the "answer" but it is something i think about a whole lot more than any "normal" person should. anyway, thanks for reading. that's where i am today in thought. take care everyone. i hope everyone is doing as well as they can for the condition we're in. love you all.

[worthit]

Its funny, you were talking about normal people. I was thinking, " I have a little bit of paranoia and grandiose thoughts but no more than the normal person". Then I thought, normal people don't have paranoid thoughts! So there you go.

[avlady]

i am sorry to hear about all of your relatives and friends deaths. time does heal, i hope and pray you all get peace in your lives.

[jaynedough]

Nothing is real.

Originally Posted by jaynedough

Nothing is real.

that is exactly what i'm going through lately.
not a damn thing is real.

define "real"

[dillpickle1983]

What if they really are listening to my thoughts? That is the question.

I am not doing very well. Mentally and physically not feeling well at all. On a positive note I do NOT have any clots in my legs as previously thought, but all the stress of not knowing caused some mental crap to go on. I will survive. I'm not suicidal or anything. Not hospital material yet.

[Blue_Bird]

I quit my meds. Now my mom refuses to talk to me anymore (we live in the same house... she's pissed) anyway I'm feeling alright other than her ********

I just got out of an eight day stay at "the ward" yesterday. I'm doing much better than I was when I went in. I'm still feeling a bit melancholy though.

blue_bird, her refusing to talk to you isnt making things better on you. may i ask why you decided to stop them? but im sure you understand her reasoning for the silent treatment. i can imagine the awkwardness of someone not speaking to you and y'all are in the same house. i imagine it is palpable. i hope she speaks to you soon. take care.

hours, hi. im glad you are feeling better. im sorry to hear things got bad enough that you had to be admitted however i am glad you knew when to check in. esp since you feel much better upon release. i love you dear, take care.

as for me, im in a weird place. feels like rapid cycling. you know, im so used to this whole feeling "messed up" that it is normal to me. i have loss of appetite as well as the noises and such have started up again. intrusive thoughts and suicidal fantasy run rampid these days. i give in and become their puppet. idk what happened to my resistance. hahah.

take care friends, in this journey called life. remember to take time to laugh and take care of yourselves first!

[worthit]

Yesterday was more disturbing with ramped up paranoia and bad thoughts. It's just the illness there's no explanation why one day is worse than the next.

[Blue_Bird]

My mom and I are talking again, I did something stupid Tuesday and ended up inpatient but got home yesterday, things are going well now