[StarsNSky]

So I'm here. Which is hard for me. I'm schizoaffective with bipolar fyi. My grandmother is dying and my mother has BPD which triggers me like no tomorrow and she has been in my face calling several times a day overloading me and now she is ignoring me because I'm not responding to this situation how she thinks I should, throw in about 8 guilt trips. My problem is that I've caught myself right as I'm entering a self destructive phase and I'm trying to stop myself from going any further. I tend to pull emotional pain into my life so I don't have to feel anything else because I don't know what to do with emotions.
I haven't done anything irreversible yet. I can't really ask for help from my friends, even though they love me through my weirdness, they just don't understand and my family spends all their time trying to decide if mental disorders are actually real or not so..
I have fought so hard to be where I am and independent and that is still a far cry from normal but I don't think I can take a backslide along with everything else going on.

Thoughts? Advice? I'm not sure what I am looking for but I gotta try something, right?

[CANDC]

StarsNSky, I am so sorry for the grief you must anticipate with the impending loss of your grandmother. You are obviously stressed by your mother to the point where you appear to be suffering from the resulting stress.

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you are feeling so filled with despair. Psych Central refers people to crisis centers or hotlines that have thoughts of harming themselves or are in danger of doing so.

Here are safety plan explanations and tips so you can devise a plan to prevent self harm. In the UK contact Samaritans | Samaritans
Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

If you feel that there is a risk of acting on these thoughts call a hotline right away.

If you have a therapist or psych doc, contact them as soon as you can to look at meds.

There are life style changes that can give some relief that I have tried if for any reason the above options are not possible. These are not remedies but things that help me cope like first relief until I can get professional help.

Diet can have an affect on how we feel. I have to watch what I eat because foods I eat can stabilize my moods or exaggerate them. A high protein low carb diet with snacks or meals every 3-4 hours will over time reduce my swings. I also avoid alcohol and recreational drugs because those can really increase depression.

Here is what I use when my head gets over crammed with thoughts. Breathe in a natural way. Silently count one on the inhale and 2 on the exhale. 3 on the inhale and 4 on the exhale. Continue up to 10 then go back to 1. This helps me focus on breathing rather than the wall of thoughts.

Other lifestyle changes that help me are doing yoga, exercises, mindfulness, calm music, and being active on Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Victoria'smom]

Welcome, please call your therapist. If you don't have one get one because you you need the extra support.

[jaynedough]

I'm sorry you're going through such stressful times. Maybe it's a blessing that your mom isn't responding right now. It sounds like she along with the rest of your family, is incapable of empathizing with what you're going through. Be proud that you have achieved independence and don't let them take that away from you with their negativity.

CANDC and MiguelsMom have given you great advice, especially the part about making an appointment to see a therapist. Go to the ER if things start get to the point where you want to do something irreversible.

That was interesting, what you said about pulling in emotional pain to distract from your own. I never thought of it that way.

Welcome to PC. Keep posting.

[StarsNSky]

Thank you all for your advice. It's very hard to get into a therapist with my insurance around here, the wait time is almost 2 months. I had a psychiatrist but was very unhappy with her mostly because I don't think she was really up for treating someone with my diagnosis. I don't say that lightly, and I don't usually speak bad of people. I never started looking for a new one as my GP gives me my normal meds which seem to still be working ok and help a lot.
My grandmother has stabilized for now which is a wonderful thing. She won't be with us for a lot longer (they said a year) but we still have time with her which is wonderful.
Self-harm... I am not suicidal, I have chaotic, manic and withdrawn behavior when stress happens. I have worked so hard to build my life both material and the social bonds I have with people I fear I will lose that if I'm not careful and keep myself in check at all times.
I'm just glad I am able to see the behavior now, I used to be oblivious and that was much worse.
I really just needed to connect with people who understand and wouldn't judge me and so for that, I thank you so much. It sucks feeling alone all the time.

how old are you? if you're old enough to support yourself, cut your mother out. my mother is a sociopath. i do not talk to her. my grandmother also probably has undiagnoised BPD. i can't deal with these people, they drive me insane. i don't really care if they think i'm making everything up - i know what i've been through, and i partly blame most of them (my family) for my "mental disorders". as i believe my "condition" is environmental.

seeing a therapist may help, also if you could find a support group to go and dump all your feelings out (even to just ramble your thoughts) that really helps. i used to go to schizophernics anonymous in the city i used to live in. it's designed sort of as a AA meeting in the way you can share your thoughts anonymously. that helped me a lot. you make friends with other people who can relate, you get out of the house and you get the crap out of your mind. plus theres usually coffee and cookies. hahahaha.

guilt trips are a form of manipulation. don't be manipulated any longer by someone who's only concern is their own feelings. i don't know your whole situation, but my heart goes out to you. you can send me a private message if you want to discuss further anything that is on your mind. take care of yourself.

[jaynedough]

. I'm glad that your grandmother has stabilized. I have a suggestion that might or might not be good. Not sure....

Because you have more time with her, is there any way that you can have her talk about her life story? Maybe record an oral history. Go through old photos and make sure that they are labeled so that future generations won't be looking at the pix, wishing they knew who the people were. I've been working on scanning the old photos so I can give them to whoever wants copies (I even had family members come to me when my mom died, wanting CDs of the pix) and in case the originals are somehow destroyed.

The reason I'm suggesting this is because it has the possibility of being beneficial for both you and your grandmother. Obviously, don't do this if you think it will be detrimental to you.

Keep posting here. Make sure that you have some kind of mental health services in place so that you have someone to talk to when your grandmother's health starts declining faster. Even though they can't see you right away, once you're an established patient, you should be able to get in quicker in a crisis.