Sick of it All

Ok, a bit background first.

I get watched by cameras at night, this has been for maybe 10 months now, the people behind it, they want to kill me.
They can also control what people think, done it to me before and a nurse I used to see.
Yeah I told my psychologist etc and they didn't believe me.

Back to now - I'm really sick of it all , the cameras, sick of everyone involved, I think my nurse knows more than she says, I can see it.
It's like they all treat me like some joke.

Anyway I read it's ok to carry a knife in the UK, if the blade is less than 3" - I'm thinking about it, not really to use it, just so they'll leave me alone.

I don't even know if this is what I want - or think I want , or someone else wanting me to think this - it's just confusing.

I'm sick of seeing them all, thinking I don't know they are part of it, or that I can't do anything about it, I just want to show them all.

You sound very stressed - I wish I could offer you some more. Take good care of yourself and some deep breaths. I hope you'll feel better and more relaxed soon!!

Thanks

Just wish it would stop.

I think that the way you are thinking and acting, they do not need to kill you. You are doing it all by yourself.

ZILCH HOUR

No, I've tried to get help with it.
I've been to see the police, I've phoned them and they won't do anything.

My psychologist said it's because I have no evidence, so she's going to help me find some.

((((kureha))))

i am worried that if you start carrying a knife they will know you are onto them and maybe make things more scary for you? i dont think carrying weapons is the way to go (better to just know they are there, and not let them know that YOU know - that way you always have the upper hand). how does that sound?

Please seek medical help from a hospital or a psychiatrist. This doesn't sound real. It sounds like you need help. I wouldn't want to see you hurt someone else or yourself. You don't seem to be thinking straight.

((((((((( KUREHA ))))))))))

Please get in touch with your psychologist as soon as possible. You do not need to live with this great fear that you have. It does sound to me that you may be experiencing psychosis again. This is very scary for you but telling the right people, like your psychologist or the early intervention team will help. They need to know that you are still feeling like you are being watched and that you feel controlled by outside forces.

I don't know what to say to you KUREHA, though Pegasus summed it up pretty well. My thoughts are with you.

Tell me one thing! What do you see whenever you look into a mirror?

Thanks for the replies.

I'll talk to my psychologist then - I see her in a few days.

I'm just confused with what it is - I really want and they always seems to be way ahead of me.

I don't get what you're trying to say.

Please take good care of yourself. Hope you are feeling better soon!

Thanks
Think I have everything sorted.

Kureha, I have been through the same thing you are going through. It was very frustrating at the time, and nobody would believe me either. Even though I showed them the cameras. I read many books about micro-electronics, and was able to identify lots of things that were seemingly normal looking devices. I wanted to crush them all.

Then the doctor put me on meds, and now the scary thoughts are not occurring as often.I still believe I am being watched and followed, but at least on the meds I can cope with it better.I cannot speak for the others, but I will support you.We all need support in these times. Get well soon.

Sardean

Thanks Sardean

I showed people the cameras, I have a picture on my phone - but it didn't help either. Yeah it is pretty fustrating when people don't believe you.

I don't take meds, but I don't need them anyway.

I'm just trying to get some more proof to show people.

Hello Kureha,
Remember when you were concerned about your psychologist's room being bugged and the two of you checked it out together? Would something like that be helpful here too? Or is that why you're trying to gather proof?

Meantime, you'd said you were thinking of carrying a knife as a means of intimidation/protection. My only concern about that would be that it could potentially be used against you as well. Is there anything else you can think of that could help protect you but not place you at risk?

I'll talk to my psychologist then - I see her in a few days.

I really liked the way she listened to you and worked with you to check out her office. She seemed like a supportive person to work with and I'm sure she'll have some ideas that will be helpful to you.

I don't take meds, but I don't need them anyway.

I tend to think of meds as a tool. Some people identify them as very helpful, some don't. Ideally, people can find coping methods that work well for them but if that doesn't seem to be happening, it can be comforting to know they can give meds a trial to see if that helps.

I hope you're able to find some solutions soon Kureha.

~ Namaste

Well that was spontaneous question, you may skip it.

What sort of picture do you have in your camera?
Because if you want to use it as proof, it should be more than a picture...
And also about the people who are watching you? Do you know their names and other particulars? Why they are keeping a watch on you? What is their motive and what benefit they can get by hurting you?

The way you talk, you seem like a innocent person, who is caring and sensitive and would not harm any one, then why on earth someone would think to hurt such a person?

Regards
ZILCH HOUR

Thanks Spiritual Emergency

Yeah, my psychologist is going to help me find some evidence, she mentioned it first - so that will help.
She's really great, I see her on Thursday and we're going to talk about it then.

I can't really thing of anything except a knife, but I haven't been out - so I haven't yet.

Meds - I've thought about it, talked about it, but I don't think that's what I need.

　
Zilch Hour - Well the picture on my phone, it does kind of suck, but it's hard to get a good picture, it's always at night when the cameras are there.
You think a video, would be better?

I don't really know who is watching, I just see the cameras, yeah I see people in the street as well, seen them taking pictures/videos on their phones, the only person I know for sure is my ex nurse.

Thanks Yeah I haven't done anything, but they want to kill me, it's because I know other things about HIV, that other people don't.

HIV is a disease created by governments as a tool for population control. You are right to suspect things.
Ohhh, and they probably insert nanobots in the so called antidote drugs they give to people with HIV.

Kureha: Meds - I've thought about it, talked about it, but I don't think that's what I need.

It's an option -- which is what it should be. We all use various crutches to get through these kind of experiences and there's certainly no shame in using a crutch that works for us. If the one we're using isn't helping us to walk, we can choose a different one.

... they want to kill me, it's because I know other things about HIV, that other people don't.

I went through a period of time where I felt I knew some things that other people didn't know. It did feel like "top-secret" information that was actually a huge responsibility to try and carry because it was a burdening kind of knowledge. There came a point when I was just so tired of it all, I didn't care anymore if someone was watching, I didn't care if anyone killed me.

That might seem a terrible thing to think but it was actually incredibly liberating because once I reached that point it meant there was nothing to worry about anymore. It also free'd me up to start living my life the way I needed to live it. I figured if someone out there felt obligated to watch that, their life must be a whole lot duller than mine because my life is a fairly quiet life. It's now several years later and I'm still here. No one killed me after all.

When I look back on that period of time, I sometimes think that feeling of being watched was related to losing my ego boundaries and feeling as if the whole world could come flooding in, including the frightening things I'd tried to protect myself from. I don't feel that way anymore and I think it's because I've managed to rebuild those ego boundaries.

Anyway, I'm really glad to know you have such a great psychologist to talk to about these things. I had people I could talk to as well and that really helped.



~ Namaste

Well that makes things easier...
Just share the information with someone else and send one or two copies to some newspaper. Tell the people watching you that if tey ever tried to do any harm you will slip the information public!
Also try using some night vision cameras to get better evidence.
Consult some lawyer as well if they are harming your privacy.
Regards
ZILCH HOUR

zilchhour, do you have any personal experience with psychosis or schizophrenia -- perhaps in yourself or perhaps in a family member?

I hope you don't mind me asking. It's been my experience that those who don't have that degree of insight can have difficulty understanding, talking about or interpreting the experiences of those who do.

Good post.

How are you doing KUREHA?

Thanks Spiritual Emergency

I've tried thinking of a different reason for it - but I knew it wasn't true, so I couldn't really believe it.
I'm really scared of dying though and I don't want to die.
If I try not to care about that - I'm pretty sure it would happen, if I get less careful.

So the people that you had to talk to - they helped you think there wasn't anyone trying to kill you?
How did you believe them? (You don't have to answer that)

　
Zilch Hour - I did try to tell people - they didn't believe me though. I'm pretty sure they just want to kill me now anyway.

Night vision cameras - that could be a good idea.
I don't have a lawyer - but maybe the police would believe me then, I didn't think of that - thanks

Pegasus - I think I'm fine - Thanks
I see my psychologist tomorrow as well.

Kureha: So the people that you had to talk to - they helped you think there wasn't anyone trying to kill you? How did you believe them? (You don't have to answer that)

Do you mean did they try to change my mind? Not really. They couldn't have changed it anyway. Mostly, they just listened to my worries or concerns. They didn't always see things quite the same way I saw them and sometimes they'd share that opinion with me, but they also seemed to understand that I was feeling very fearful at the time and that I had reasons for feeling that way. They didn't judge me or make me feel like I shouldn't be feeling what I was feeling at that time. If they had, I probably would have stopped talking to them about those things because I would have felt they didn't understand. It's worth noting I did feel angry and misunderstood by some people at that time, because I felt they didn't or wouldn't try to understand how I was feeling.

As more and more time went by and no one showed up to kill me, I began to feel safer. Mostly, I just needed time to work through those fears on my own. It's also worth noting there didn't come some magical day when I looked back and said, "Oh, that was all just a bunch of illusions!" Even now, I wouldn't say that. I had "proof" that the person I was frightened of might try to hurt/kill me, and I had "proof" that, among other things, the government had been reading my webpages.

Over time I figured out that the person I was frightened of had reminded me of my birth father (who was very abusive) and eventually decided that all those hits on my webpages from clearly identifiable government sources was because of the information I had there on PTSD. So my specific concerns didn't go away, I just came to understand what they were all about by exploring my own thoughts and emotions about them. I'm making the process sound far simpler than it really was because I was doing a lot of healing work in a number of different streams but eventually, they all came together and I stopped feeling frightened about those things.

Anyway, I hope the same kind of thing might happen for you and one day, you won't be feeling so fearful any more.



~ Namaste, Kureha