Roll call

it was just a caseworker today no pdoc yet

does that just mean that your illness is acting up? that's what i get out of it. i don't know.

well my dad mentioned emotional medication. whatever he meant.
then she said my issues are more mental.

whats that mean

All the frowny-faced people just want someone to love them. They just don't know how to ask. Remember that when your cat - or anyone else - frowns at you.

Good luck at work. I think new beginnings are always exciting and scary at the same time.

Okay! then i can try to give that to them. It just makes me very nervous. i feel like everyone's against me or trying to hurt me. Even though part of me thinks it's stupid. But I just can't shake it.

and thank you! I really appreciate it. I just hope I can remember everything i need to do.

Hmmm... I don't know what that means. Maybe more mental than physical? More mental than emotional? If you see her again, ask her.

The real question is does it make any difference in the treatment if it's more mental.

here. trying to get motivated today.
newtus - some psychiatric problems are more emotionally based, like depression, and some are more thinking based, like schizophrenia. I think that's what she probably meant by mental.

thats what i thought she meant.
i googled the difference between emotional health and mental health and nearly every site says its different like what you just said.

she was trying to figure out if i needed therapy or medication. im sure.
ANYWAY....
cause then she said what im going through is chronic...
which...
i never heard anyone say that to me in my life.

..kinda blew me away for a sec
i gave her a rundown of my past.

Wow! you know no one ever really explained to me what that meant. I'd heard doctors say it before but never explained it to me. Maybe I should ask more questions when i'm at the doctor.. so do you think they'll do therapy or meds?

Maybe some of your customers feel the same way? Maybe they're scared too?

She said it was chronic? I suppose that just means that it's been going on frequently over a long period of time. That does sound like you, because you have said you've never been any different. I don't think it's a bad word for her to use, it's just descriptive.

Yes! You should definitely ask lots of questions at the doctor. Sometimes doctors forget that terms they use daily are foreign to other people. You should always ask a doctor to explain if you don't understand something they said.

that's what my family always says. but I get so nervous most of the time i just sit and stare at the floor unless he asks me something. :/

i do need to work on changing that. i just don't know how to start.

Sometimes that does make it really difficult. Do you see the doctors regularly? If you do, then try this. If you think of questions during your appointment but get too nervous to ask, or, if you don't think of them until afterwards, just write them down. Then you can take them to your next appointment and ask then. Or even just hand over the list. That might help?

That's a very good idea. When I do this, he seems to act like it shows i'm not doing well. Maybe that's true. And I go every few months. I'm not sure when my next appointment is. But I think i will try to write it down. He really isn't all that thorough anyway. He's not a psychiatrist, he's a family doctor. My parents don't want to take me to a psychiatrist because the last one i went to didn't seem to know what he was doing. But this guy doesn't seem to want to work with me. He just seems to do what he needs to to get by.

yea she said its chronic.

and i guess shes saying my illness.

but anyway. yea ive been hospitalized nearly every year since i was 13.
maybe skip a year or two in one spot. but in 2008 i was hospitalized 4 times and almost had to be committed to residential treatment facility...

also cause i suppose my Dx since i was thirteen only flopped between depression w/ psychotic features and schizoaffective. until it stuck at schizoaffective ever since i was 17 years old. with numerous pdocs.

so...hmm..idk......same two dx practically since i was 13 with numerous hospitalizations under that dx.

...i think i just figured out something new yet extrememly sorrowful for myself today.

Doctors often seem in a big hurry to get rid of you, but that's their problem. It's his job to take care of you - he works for you. Sometimes you have to get really assertive to get them to stop and pay attention. You deserve to understand what they're doing to you and giving you though!

I'm sorry it has made you sad. I don't think it's sad though. It was true before you figured it out, now you just have more information. Information is good.

never thought i was that bad s***....

You're not bad!
And you're definitely not any bad or worse just because of a word that someone used.

oh well...

she said ill need medication for the rest of my life most likely. idk what else though.
she said injections seem goood....cause my dad suggested it.
im very very very afraid right now.
she also said since my past is so steady that i qualify for disability.

I think the shots are scary too, I don't blame you for being worried about that. Disability could be good though. It could help you. Is it okay with you to get disability?

well.
i dont know much about it.
since ive seen some things it seems..humiliating.
but i know some of my future already...and its prob best idk idk idk.

Ive been afraid that I'll have to go on disability in a few years for similar reasons. My mother and I are waiting to see if my ability to function gets better. I think disability depends on what country you live in.

I'm slowly trying to accept that I might need it. I'm not diagnosed with anything with psychosis as a symptom yet, but my psychosis does seem to be a chronic issue, with periods of remission of hallucinations and delusions depending on my medication. Even in remission though, I still don't really function. Depending, I might be diagnosed with something within a month or so. Still need to do neurological testing, apparently.

I've found it really comforting to think that even if I do go on disability, I might be able to do some volunteer work to help others with mental stuff. I'll also still be able to do freelance art, since I don't even make enough with that to have to report it to the IRS. It feels bad, yeah, but there are other things I can do to feel good about myself besides working a paying job.

This might take a while to post, since I'm new, but I really hope things start looking up soon, Newtus.