Roll call

Welcome

im here too..just getting up and around ...its a lazy day...



plz pray for my gold fish...hes 4 and he is very ill...i think he might die...i got him when he was the size of a nickel now hes the size of a softball...we have been treating him, but its not helping much...i had another one that was just a bit smaller then him and lost him about 3 months ago... i really will be really sad if he dies

in 2011 i lost my mother in law, my cat of 13 years, my house, my full time job and my income, my health , my other gold fish almost lost my mom this fall...i am not ready for another loss

I'm here, having a lazy day.
I'm sorry lil that you are having to deal with so many losses at once.

Sunday morning.

Had one of my house dreams which I've mentioned here before. They're very infrequent, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised another one appeared, but I really thought they were behind me. They seem so much to be about figuring out who I am, and I thought I'd figured that out. Maybe all this meditating and stuff has stirred the pot, and here I am at 50 trying to figure myself out.

In the dream my son was cleaning his room out and rearranging it. He was taking out old furniture. Then, since he didn't know what else to do with it, he was shoving it into my room - where I already have enough furniture. So I'd try to get into my bedroom, and I'd find a huge desk or table in the way, and I'd have to move it out. Finally, after about the third one, I told my son, "I don't want these things. Let's put them out by the curb for the garbageman." So we took the old table onto the deck and were going to throw it over onto the driveway, when we saw that someone had already placed a very large beautiful brand new picnic table on my driveway in the spot we were going to drop the old table on. The neighbors on either side were moving the picnic table from one house to the other and had paused to rest.

My son was leaning on the railing of the deck, so he could talk to the neighbors below. I was worried the railing would give way, and he would fall. Then I noticed the railing on the other part of the deck had already collapsed. I pulled him back and warned him that the railing wouldn't hold his weight, don't lean over it.

We went back inside, and - this is the part that makes it one of my house dreams - discovered a room downstairs that I wasn't aware of. It was completely empty (which I was relieved about because I didn't want more clutter to deal with) except for an old-fashioned pupil's school desk in the middle of the room. On it was an old diary that my younger son was keeping at some point in the past - probably when he still lived at home. I noticed the room had a door which lead out to the side yard, and the door was unlocked. I wondered if my younger son had deliberately left it unlocked so that he could get in and out of my house without me knowing. I felt a little tired but resigned that I couldn't keep my son out - or at least control when he enters. I left the door unlocked.

I'm here - feeling a bit confused though

That dream is really speaking to your current situation... your son is sorting his life out, but at the moment the risk is high that he'll push too much on you. You are still protective of him, but you discover that you have more mental space than you realised, and on some fundemental level you are still learning.

i'm ok..................

Glad to hear it, cin1.

major influx of knowledge last night and this morning

is my conscience God? no thoughts are my own i realize i am mostly human. if my mind says "im hungry" thats god telling me im hungry. if my mind says "this person is lying to you" this is not my thought, this is God. if my mind says "do this _____" this is not my thought, this is God. the mind being is of the spiritual realm. the body is of the physical realm. prophetic messages are delivered as words and behaviours? if my mind says "this is true" or "this is false" this is not my mind, this is God. if my mind says "listen to this. take note" this is not my mind this is God.

evil can hijack pure thought
and evil thoughts (those not of God)
are of the Adversary

im not pushing anything on anyone. that in red came in from the influx early this morning.

God gives only good
so if you hear good thoghts they are of him

here today...sundays are always busy
I play the guitar at my church and im having a hard time staying on track. the pages look forgien to me at times... so i am struggling with this... but have made it through a nother day

Wow, angelwings... I wish I had the courage to play for our church. Although I love to play my instruments I'm incapable of performing in anyway. Last time I played some pieces in a concert I sweated and shook, and had my voices telling me what a fool I was. I managed to get through my set, but I was nowhere near as good as I am in private.

it is very hard some days but i mult through it... it takes a few days to pull my self togethere. my husband is always asking me why i do it when it causes me such stress due to my social anxiety and the constant bombardment of negitive effects i have from it, but i want to share my talent so bad that i do it despite the uncomfortableness. its even harder going to work the two days a week that i do. i leave there feeling like every one knows that im such a failure at everything and that they are always talking about me behind my back and makeing fun of the sycho. I fight the demons daily. I try really hard to try to think about the positive things. some times its so hard. even here on this site it is hard. i want to trust people but just when i think i might, the neg. voices kick in and the parinoia kick in and well....ive said enough any way...

i really dont have the motivation for school or life anymore.

im thinking about skipping school today and i would actually like to this whole week.

fridays incident has me completely scared and fearful to go to school. well goto school ANYMORE. period.

Sorry you're having a hard time, newtus.

I'm here today and doing okay.

I was worried that on the higher dose my son would be too sedated, and he wouldn't have enough emotional life to "work with" so to speak. Never fear! He got angry with me last night, but it didn't overwhelm him the way it did when he was on the lower dose. We were able to talk it through and go on to have a reasonably happy evening.

newtus hang in there... i know it will get better

costello im glad the higher dose is working for your son

im doing okay today...nothing on my aggenda but cleaning which i have put off for way to long

I'm worried about college as well - especially with what is going on with the student counsellor - I didn't even ask to see her.
At least I can see my psychologist in 8 days

Eek! My anxiety has been high, which always worsens symptoms. Several times this weekend I responded to sounds and/or images that I know my s.o. didn't hear/see. I am hoping this does not erode trust. Worried. Almost looking forward to going to work, because I know what I'm doing there.

Here. ,,,,,,,,,,,,

Here, having a blah day. Part of the floor looked like it was a mirage again, but my son's toys weren't falling through it. I've been avoiding it anyways. It looks normal now but I keep checking to see if it turns back. I really should vacuum today, but it would probably look stupid if I did everything but that area. I don't know. I'm tired and forgot my meds the last few days. Noises are getting to me a lot today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I slept an hour. I am very tired, but I can't sleep. Sometimes I close my eyes and I start to relax, then I panic and hold my breath and stare. I am in hell. I don't know why. Sometimes I think, "the sins of the father, are visited to upon the son." I'm like 3/4 english. The british empire was evil. My ancestors were evil. I'm in hell. It makes sense to me. Maybe my suffering makes the victims of evil people, feel better. Maybe my hell gives satisfaction to people who need satisfaction. If I cared, I'd kill myself. I guess its not that important, my life. Its not worth the effort to end. Don't mean to worry anyone, I wish I was loved. Its never been my lot. nobodys fault. bad luck... thanks.

Here - still worrying about college, well the way there and back and that the student counsellor didn't deny anything.

here today...







how can you take the sliver out of your brothers eye when you have a log in your own?

THIS IS MY COMPTEMPLATION FOR THE DAY

Also here.

I slept better than usual last night. Took meds this morning. Went for a walk. Bought a newspaper. Chatted with the clerk. Been typing online. I practiced my guitar. I did some shopping. I drank some coffee. I am discouraged, but getting by.

Here. Doing a bit better today. Was finally able to vacuum.
Also, just wanted to say thanks mgran for starting this thread. It's really nice to see little updates and check in with everyone.