I'm not at risk of killing myself & I'm not even interested in injuring myself. I've been so confused & disoriented since yesterday. I don't know what to do. I can't even convey my thoughts. My head is just chaotic & I don't even know who I am. I don't know where else to post this. If it's not a crisis, what am I supposed to do? I have to wait until Monday to call the 2 therapists I am considering... And it would be a horrible start if I were to call them freaking out. I am dizzy & exhausted from how disorganized & chaotic my thoughts are. I have been experiencing more & more strange, new things lately. And more & more uncertainty about what is going on in my head. I wish everything could just be black & white. I'm not manic or depressed. I'm not connected or disconnected from reality. I'm not me or someone else. This is just riddling me with anxiety & my head is pounding. I can't concentrate at all, so this post may seem extremely disorganized. Even the slightest noise makes me forget everything that was previously on my mind. I can function, but just barely. I don't want to have to deal with this for too long because I can't cope with any more. I already have enough problems; I don't need more.

# A few weeks ago, I was just sitting in my living room & all of a sudden got incredibly confused. I had no idea that the furniture had been rearranged & the house had been cleaned. For some reason, I thought it was "supposed to be" in the same condition it was in 6 months ago. It's as if I was stuck in time.
# During my trip to Florida, I totally & absolutely had no idea where certain areas were. It wasn't just forgetfulness... I was missing gigantic chunks of memory/knowledge selective from other interconnected pieces.
# Over the past few weeks I have been zoning out more than usual. But every time I snap out from staring into space, everything looks different/altered. More or less focused. It doesn't look different at all, it just feels like I'm looking through different eyes.
# Being verbally/visually acknowledged sets me into absolute panic.
# I don't feel like myself anymore... I don't know how else to explain it. I know what my interests are, I know what I think, but I have no idea how that relates to any actual self. Have no idea which part of me wants what or why. Nothing makes sense.
# Yesterday, I experienced mood/behavioural shifts like I never have before. Never ever ever. In a matter of less than 5 minutes, I went from very composed/confident to suddenly aggressive/condescending to meek & in a state of sheer fright that I was going to get smacked because I upset my boyfriend with my behaviour shifts. And once I finally became coherent again, the fear came back because I had no idea what just occurred.
# I keep getting these weird dizzy spells where my consciousness comes into or fades out of focus. My head goes dizzy every time this happens.
# When I have been doing my "just for fun" handwriting analysis course, my handwriting is slightly different every day. And I've looked back at my old journals, poetry, & it goes back for years. Just very slight differences but (from what the interpretation says) they seem to denote significant but subtle differences in functioning/outlook.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

I've been so confused & disoriented since yesterday. ... I am dizzy & exhausted from how disorganized & chaotic my thoughts are. ... This is just riddling me with anxiety & my head is pounding. I can't concentrate at all, ...

Some of this sounds like how I feel when my blood sugar is too low, so I'm just checking: are you eating anything and, if so, what?

[costello]

Maybe you need to see a doctor.

I've been eating regularly, yes. Yesterday I might've not eaten enough but it's been persisting into today & I've had quite enough food! :/

Yesterday I had Arby's, a small coffee, some rice cakes, & chicken/cole slaw. Today I had an eggwhite/turkey bacon sandwich, a large coffee, cranberry juice & a large salad. If it's not blood sugar, IDK what... Reality isn't disappearing. I'm disappearing from it. FML

[costello]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

I've been eating regularly, yes. Yesterday I might've not eaten enough but it's been persisting into today & I've had quite enough food! :/

Yesterday I had Arby's, a small coffee, some rice cakes, & chicken/cole slaw. Today I had an eggwhite/turkey bacon sandwich, a large coffee, cranberry juice & a large salad. If it's not blood sugar, IDK what... Reality isn't disappearing. I'm disappearing from it. FML

I think you may need to see a doctor if this persists. You live with someone else, right? You'll be safe?

Medical/psychological help is daunting now, due to the cost. Which do you think is more important considering my laundry list of issues I listed above? If I have to forgo one professional for the other currently, I'll do it. I just want to think better again...

And yeah, I live with two people. I'll be safe. I just feel helpless & I hate it more than anything.

[costello]

Have you experienced this before? If so, did it pass? How long has this been going on? Is it possible it will pass this time?

That's the problem... I have no idea if I've experienced this before. The general "feel" is just of my normal psychotic breaks, but the experience itself is totally & absolutely different. I just feel really, really weird & unsettled by just about everything familiar to me. Granted, I have been under some stress lately. Quite a bit. But I'm usually able to deal with it, even if it's poorly done.

I feel silly for even having posted this. How should anyone else know what I need to do if I can't even manage it myself? Sigh. I think I'm going to have my boyfriend call the number for me because even though my symptoms aren't at their worst... I am feeling incredibly, incredibly, & unreasonably uneasy.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

I feel silly for even having posted this. How should anyone else know what I need to do if I can't even manage it myself?

Don't feel silly. Maybe someone here would have had the same experience and have some insights.

I am feeling incredibly, incredibly, & unreasonably uneasy.

Part of me thinks it's good to go with your instincts, and part of me wonders if the uneasy feeling isn't another "symptom." I'm just worried that you're having some kind of seizure(s) or something that need attention.

Still feeling pretty much the same way, but to a slightly lesser extent... But only slightly. Last night, Vlad never called because I evidently stressed him out too bad. And I can't call myself because my Spanish skills aren't advanced enough to convey what is going on in the slightest... So I feel really overwhelmed, abandoned, & helpless because not even he can understand the gravity of what I'm feeling. I kept going from near catatonic & unresponsive to hyperactive & aggressive. It was like being possessed by Jekyll & Hyde. Ugh... This just needs to end. I am tired of this. It isn't fun. I'm going to try staying off the internet & keep distracted on the xbox... I hope that works at least a little bit to soothe me. I am just overcome with nervous tension & unrest.

By the way, thank you for helping & attempting to talk me through this. I do appreciate it. I'm totally embarrassed because I feel like I'm exagerrating & making a big deal out of nothing. So it makes me feel a lot better to at least have someone acknowledging that this isn't normal.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

By the way, thank you for helping & attempting to talk me through this. I do appreciate it. I'm totally embarrassed because I feel like I'm exagerrating & making a big deal out of nothing. So it makes me feel a lot better to at least have someone acknowledging that this isn't normal.

I'm sorry I couldn't have been of more help. I think you're far too level-headed to make a big deal out of nothing. I think a neurologist might be helpful here, but I worry when people with psych histories go to the doctor with vague symptoms. It's too easy to write it off as merely part of the psychiatric condition.

That's very true... This could really be anything because I have both psychological & autoimmune/neurological disorders on both sides of my family. *sigh* It's going to be fun playing tic-tac-toe with my symptoms!! Hahahah. I'm somewhat better right now. Still feeling really disconnected & spacey, but I'm meeeeeega euphoric. Ugh this has been the best mania that I've had in ages... I'm just trying to make the best of this now that the panic has ceased.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

I'm meeeeeega euphoric. Ugh this has been the best mania that I've had in ages... I'm just trying to make the best of this now that the panic has ceased.

Well, hide your credit cards and try to stay out of trouble.

[hol!day1]

To me it sounds like you need a psychological help, but I am no expert. don't you have to see a GP to get a psychological interevention anyway? Don't you have free mental health care in your area, especially if it's psychotic behaviours occurring?

[minefield]

It may not be what you consider a crisis by your previous experience but it sounds like you are in crisis being so unsettled and they would always rather catch you rather than pick you up. Don't suffer if you can reach out!!

Costello: It's lucky I'm broke & frugal!! Though, the feeling of just total & utter unease is setting in again... But I know that the stress over trying to sort out insurance & money in order to see a psychotherapist is what's causing it. Stress doesn't feel the same way it used to; it feels strange... Idk if anyone understands that.

Thank you hol!day1 & minefield. I'm working on trying to find someone intelligent enough to properly assist me... However, I've decided against calling the emergency number because I just feel retarded. I've gone through worse things & I don't want it to appear that I've surrendered when I really haven't. :/

[costello]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Costello: It's lucky I'm broke & frugal!!

Broke may help, but frugal is one of those things that tends to get cast aside in the grip of mania.

Though, the feeling of just total & utter unease is setting in again...

I'm sorry. If you think it's stress, then alcohol's probably not going to help long-term.

[fishsandwich]

Hi Shay, I'm sorry I missed this post earlier and even sorrier to hear you're so unwell I hope you find whatever fixes you up good and proper

I've never really been a spender, it's weird. It is a hallmark mania symptom & it never happens to me! But that's probably because my klepto senses start tingling instead. Hahahahaah

Oh, I only had half a beer. I'm sensitive to alcohol so I never really drink! Lol but yeah... I have been trying to take care of myself... It just really sucks having to take so much time to relax/process because I've always been such a proactive, restless person! My head goes loopy after a few errands.

Thank you, fish. It's greatly appreciated... I just don't like not knowing what's going on within the confines of my own consciousness. It's aggravating! Hahah *hugs*

[fishsandwich]

I know it's worse (at least worse than usual) for you, but does anybody really know what's going on in their heads?

Well yeah, of course. But even with psychosis there is a level of predictability. Not that it doesn't surprise us whenever it gets bad again, but... Idk. Maybe I'm making too much of it & my foggy thinking is overpowering my judgement. I just hate that I had a perfectly fine set of coping mechanisms & now everything slid back & none of it works the same that it used to. Since puberty (around 11), it's been constant fluctuation& one issue piling on top of another. Conduct disorder, panic attacks, OCD, Bipolar, Psychosis... I don't care if I'm always going to be screwed up. My issue is needing to maintain a healthy level of control over it because idk how to deal with it otherwise. :/