[keepingalice]

For a lack of a better place I am putting my thread here to describe what is happening. I took a part time job which averages 16 hours a week. I took it to get my mind off my head problems. But it seems to be making them worse. Whether it is the stress of being in a social situation or just my brain chemistry, I now have a visitor who watches me wherever I go. She berates me constantly how I will never amount to anything. I am wasting my time trying to make myself better. She says I will be fired soon. After telling my therapist, she has disappeared from her usual place but now I am on high alert, whenever I am in the adult section of our library, because she likes to spook me. I knew where to find her before, so I wish I had not told him where she liked to sit. I bumped into her in the psych section a few days ago and it frightened me. Yesterday, she yelled at me because it was so loud in the library and she wanted me to tell patrons to quiet down. I cannot do that! I want her to leave me alone but I also would be afraid to lose her. She wanted me to come and sit and chat with her but that is a "no no". To make matters worse I am paranoid about my coworkers. They seem nice enough but I think they are out to make me fail at my accomplishment. I love my job and I want to stay. I am fascinated about books that have schizophrenia as their main topic and who have characters that resemble me. Just recently I read Finding Alice by Melody Carlson and I can so relate. I once thought I was Marie Antoinette...that was a long time ago in high school. LOL! Should I be telling everyone this stuff...will someone find out who this really is? I cannot handle the feelings this is giving me by spilling out my deepest thoguhts...

I'm sorry that you are struggling keepingalice Paranoia can be a difficult thing to overcome. What was your therapist's take on the situation? I think it's good that you have a therapist to talk to as these experiences can be quite isolating.

All the best,

*Willow*

[costello]

Hi Alice:

It doesn't surprise me that you'd become more paranoid after starting a new job. That's stressful, and if you're anything like my son, stress increases the paranoia and psychosis. It's a good chance to work with it - recognizing triggers, managing stress, noticing how you react to stress. Don't let it freak you out or make you retreat too quickly. If you like the job, stick with it, but keep an eye on your anxiety and stress.

Btw, that lady is giving you bad advice and just trying to scare you into giving up. My guess is she'll show up whenever you're doing well. Don't let her get to you.

[Wayfarer25]

Originally Posted by costello

Btw, that lady is giving you bad advice and just trying to scare you into giving up. My guess is she'll show up whenever you're doing well. Don't let her get to you.

Hi alice. this has been my experience as well. i started a new job and my paranoia went off the charts so bad i wound up hospitalized. hang in there. you can make it. just take it day by day, one step at a time.

and like costello said, your visitor is definitely trying to keep you pinned down where you don't want or need to be. it's been my experience that such visitors always show up when you're doing ok to try to bring you down. it might be hard to not listen to her, but maybe take her stuff with a grain of salt if you can.

hope you're feeling better soon.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi alice,

I have paranoia alot. I can relate to that. The house next door was for sale and I had a lot of paranoia about the realtor. Now we have new neighbors, they moved in Saturday. I'm already thinking they are bad. I haven't seen them, it's just this feeling I get. That's my newest paranoia...

My advice is don't disclose your paranoia to your co-workers. It's good to tell your T. I don't know why the girl would disappear if you tell your T about her. She sounds like an odd person. Try to keep your job, it's good to have it. Maybe if you get to know the girl better she will be less odd in her behavior. Maybe if she sees you succeed at your job she will leave you alone.

[keepingalice]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Hi alice,

I have paranoia alot. I can relate to that. The house next door was for sale and I had a lot of paranoia about the realtor. Now we have new neighbors, they moved in Saturday. I'm already thinking they are bad. I haven't seen them, it's just this feeling I get. That's my newest paranoia...

My advice is don't disclose your paranoia to your co-workers. It's good to tell your T. I don't know why the girl would disappear if you tell your T about her. She sounds like an odd person. Try to keep your job, it's good to have it. Maybe if you get to know the girl better she will be less odd in her behavior. Maybe if she sees you succeed at your job she will leave you alone.

I asked her to come back, that the therapist was wrong. Is it wrong for me to want her there? I want to know why she hates me so much!!! I regret letting others dig into my skin and plant poison in my head and make me react to what their saying. Then, I think, are they even talking about me? Why do I automatically think they are talking about me? I try and act like they are not bothering me but they are. I know if I hide and isolate, it will only get worse. I see that happened in the past, but I do not know how to not let the whisperings bother me. I think if I am not in every conversation it is because they do not want me to know what they are talking about and automatically I think it is me and they are plotting my demise. Why???????? I am suppose to talk to my therapist tomorrow but I am afraid of letting this out to him...and unfortunately I trusted someone I barely knew and just let out how paranoid I am. That I feel I am being followed...and of course now I think she has told everyone. If only I had your advice earlier.

[keepingalice]

Originally Posted by Wayfarer25

Hi alice. this has been my experience as well. i started a new job and my paranoia went off the charts so bad i wound up hospitalized. hang in there. you can make it. just take it day by day, one step at a time.

and like costello said, your visitor is definitely trying to keep you pinned down where you don't want or need to be. it's been my experience that such visitors always show up when you're doing ok to try to bring you down. it might be hard to not listen to her, but maybe take her stuff with a grain of salt if you can.

hope you're feeling better soon.

I am afraid of being hospitalized so I am on this seesaw of falling off the edge, waking up midstream, flying back up on top of the mountain, being careful to watch myself, until I am sideswiped when I lost my attention. I still want to know why she hates me so much. I think if I could sit and talk with her she would let me know and then I could explain to her I am fine and she is wrong and should just disappear. Its a very personal conversation and I need to be somewhere safe...not in public. I cannot invite her to my house...I do think if I just allowed myself to freefall and be caught by a stranger and put in the hospital I might be better off, but I can snap myself out of that real quick. I've daydreamed about it many a time and it is never good. I have to be in control, for good or bad.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by keepingalice

For a lack of a better place I am putting my thread here to describe what is happening. I took a part time job which averages 16 hours a week. I took it to get my mind off my head problems. But it seems to be making them worse. Whether it is the stress of being in a social situation or just my brain chemistry, I now have a visitor who watches me wherever I go. She berates me constantly how I will never amount to anything. I am wasting my time trying to make myself better. She says I will be fired soon. After telling my therapist, she has disappeared from her usual place but now I am on high alert, whenever I am in the adult section of our library, because she likes to spook me. I knew where to find her before, so I wish I had not told him where she liked to sit. I bumped into her in the psych section a few days ago and it frightened me. Yesterday, she yelled at me because it was so loud in the library and she wanted me to tell patrons to quiet down. I cannot do that! I want her to leave me alone but I also would be afraid to lose her. She wanted me to come and sit and chat with her but that is a "no no". To make matters worse I am paranoid about my coworkers. They seem nice enough but I think they are out to make me fail at my accomplishment. I love my job and I want to stay. I am fascinated about books that have schizophrenia as their main topic and who have characters that resemble me. Just recently I read Finding Alice by Melody Carlson and I can so relate. I once thought I was Marie Antoinette...that was a long time ago in high school. LOL! Should I be telling everyone this stuff...will someone find out who this really is? I cannot handle the feelings this is giving me by spilling out my deepest thoguhts...

Hang in there, keepingalice! I can so relate to this paranoia issue. Sometimes it's easier than others to just stay focused on what you have to do, and tune the other stuff out, and other people's drama. Sometimes, I find it helps w paranoia! BTW, other that the co-worker situ you described, I personally think it's awesome you're working in a library! You take care!

[faerie_moon_x]

Well it is one thing to be paranoid, but if that girl is actually being mean to you, she may have issues of her own.

[keepingalice]

dont know if anyone is still following this but i wanted to check in and see what everyone thought and thank you for your words of wisdom. i think i figured out why she is visiting me and who she is and what she wants and now maybe i can finally put something to rest and move on...talking to your therapist is a good thing. love it when they ask just the right questions and with only an hour to accomplish anything...well, you have to be right on target! now to brood over our conversation, think about how to deal with my visitor and go to work tomorrow, full of useful ammunition.

[keepingalice]

Originally Posted by costello

Hi Alice:

It doesn't surprise me that you'd become more paranoid after starting a new job. That's stressful, and if you're anything like my son, stress increases the paranoia and psychosis. It's a good chance to work with it - recognizing triggers, managing stress, noticing how you react to stress. Don't let it freak you out or make you retreat too quickly. If you like the job, stick with it, but keep an eye on your anxiety and stress.

Btw, that lady is giving you bad advice and just trying to scare you into giving up. My guess is she'll show up whenever you're doing well. Don't let her get to you.

Initially she did scare me, but the more I opened myself up to her wanting my attention, the more i started to understand why she was there. actually, i told my therapist which scared her off but I asked her to come back, that I wouldn't hurt her (not that he did, she just read what he was doing wrong) and now i feel i have a grip as to her purpose in my life. hopefully! its funny how i am feeling anxious, but then this makes me feel so unbelievably excited about going to work tomorrow!

[costello]

Originally Posted by keepingalice

Initially she did scare me, but the more I opened myself up to her wanting my attention, the more i started to understand why she was there. actually, i told my therapist which scared her off but I asked her to come back, that I wouldn't hurt her (not that he did, she just read what he was doing wrong) and now i feel i have a grip as to her purpose in my life. hopefully! its funny how i am feeling anxious, but then this makes me feel so unbelievably excited about going to work tomorrow!

I'm glad you were able to work through your fear and learn something new. That's so wonderful.

Anxiety and excitement can feel very similar. Just lots of buzzy energy. Maybe it's the story line we assign to it that makes us label it "good" or "bad"?

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by keepingalice

dont know if anyone is still following this but i wanted to check in and see what everyone thought and thank you for your words of wisdom. i think i figured out why she is visiting me and who she is and what she wants and now maybe i can finally put something to rest and move on...talking to your therapist is a good thing. love it when they ask just the right questions and with only an hour to accomplish anything...well, you have to be right on target! now to brood over our conversation, think about how to deal with my visitor and go to work tomorrow, full of useful ammunition.

The best!!!!