Pointless life

I can't handle my psychosis. I have PTSD, depression, and borderline personality disorder. It's all difficult to deal with but the psychosis has made coping impossible. I can't go to college. I can't get a job. I can't do anything besides blast my music, wait for the next dose of meds, and beg for it all to stop. I feel suicidal yet my doctors don't think I need to be hospitalized. I try to talk to my family but they're sick of hearing about it. I hate feeling like a burden. I feel so alone and depressed. I think this post might be pointless too. What kind of life is this?

I know exactly what you are going through. It's hard no doubt. It's good that you are able to express these feelings. It's also good that you are seeking support. As far as suicide idealizations, have you considered calling a suicide hotline?

Thanks. I've never called a hotline before. Won't they tell me to go to an ER?

I've called it before. It was helpful to me because I got to let out emotions that I wasn't able to with friends and family. They didn't tell me to go to the ER but that was just me. I was crying like a big old baby. It maybe helpful for you. It wont hurt to try it out.

I've never called a hotline specifically for suicide before, but I was talked down by a lady at our employee assistance program. She didn't tell me to go the ER. She told me to eat part of my lunch (I was at work) and have some water, then helped me to get an appointment set up with a therapist. This was before I was diagnosed.

I think I'll call the hotline next time rather than my doctor. He just tells me to go to an ER or crisis center when all I really want is someone to talk to. For what it's worth I don't feel as suicidal as I did when I posted this morning.

I'm glad you're feeling at least partially better... Sometimes, I think a lot of doctors discount the suicidal ideations of borderlines. "Oh, they'll get over it soon" when it can really be a HUGE deal even if it doesn't last forever! But yeah, next time I would call a hotline, or post in the self-injury or borderline forum. There are a lot of very understanding people over there, too. Maybe take up writing or some other form of creativity... Lots of beautiful work comes out of sorrow.

Ugh the voices are really getting to me. They keep calling me a fat piece of crap, telling me to call the police on myself, saying suicide is the only flippin' option, and yelling about how stupid/uneducated/pedantic I am. They don't want me to post here. They are getting desperate because distraction is working.

do whatever you can to cope. i feel your pain man. after my second episode i was tormented with severely painful emotions and intrusive thoughts... i wasn't sure if i would survive, but i coped the best i could... that's all i could do.

what kind of life is this?
this is the part where any break in the psychosis or symptoms has to be cherished and experienced to its maximum. if you wake up and feel good enough to go out and do something, do it! go to beautiful places. go to the supermarket smell the fruit. ride your bicycle as fast as you can and screeeeaammm. savor any moment you have... however fleeting.

Thank you for the suggestions brackenbeard. I'm sorry you know what's like - I wouldn't wish psychosis on my worst enemy. I haven't had any breaks yet. I think I need to have my meds adjusted. For what it's worth I do feel a little better since I started posting here.

The voices won't stop encouraging me to commit suicide. They're also saying everyone I have ever known and loved is going to either press charges against me or pump my morbidly obese stomach full of bullets. I don't feel suicidal... just very depressed and lost. I am so down on myself. Worthless meaningless existence. Music doesn't help. TV is impossible. I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm sorry you're having such terrible thoughts. I can tell you they are not true thoughts. I think this is what is called "intrusive thoughts." They are scary and violent thoughts which won't seem to stop. I get them and I hate them. I'm a very peaceful person but I get intrusive thoughts that I'm going to really hurt someone. Not my kids or husband, but all the other people around me, even animals, I get intrusive thoughts about. I hate them and they scare me to death.

Im just about in the same boat...Just recently got off meds and now im waiting for them to kick back in...I didnt think I would make it today...I had to drive downtown in traffic with racing wild thoughts...Almost completely untouched with reality and Im not even sure how I made it there and back from the allergist...While it the waiting room thought like putting my head through the wall temporarily or punching it so I wouldn't bother anyone ...ANyway, I know whats Its like Im still having trouble until these meds start to kick in...Im counting the days hrs mins until they kick in..Its about the only thing I can remember now...Hang in there..

i went through this! hold out man. they'll kick in.

It was hard for me too. I feel your pain, oh do I ever. Terrible thoughts and just sadness. Epic sadness. I had no one when I was feeling like this, just the thoughts in my own head. You have this forum. You have us. POST, post and post! Get busy with the distractions! It helps, it truly does.

at my worst i spent entire days on the couch. my symptoms so bad I couldn't operate. i didn't want to deal with life, I couldn't. I had to stay half-asleep so I could get through the day. existence was a terrible nightmare. slowly i forced myself to do things with my parents. I saw friends when i could. i held on to some kind of demented hope that things would get better, though often i couldn't see farther than the cushions. so much pain, I recall. so much confusion. unable to call people for fear of talking on the phone! it's a dark place we can go to, but you're going to have to keep going because there is hope for you.

hope is such a stubborn thing to me. even when it seems the world has been lost, and the center has fallen out I continue on. I don't understand it. i don't get how we can continue sometimes, except for that damn stubborn thing that tells me "it'll get better, it's got to, just hold on."

today i can operate fairly normally. there are things i want that i don't have. but i have my stability, today. i don't know where it may go tomorrow. start doing this... see how many days in a row you can put in the plus column. positive days, see how many you can string together. build some momentum.

I have one of my voices, Steve, that sounds exactly like that with the insults, the threats, and telling me bad things about my loved ones. One way I cope with him (this is kind of embarrassing but it worked) was to picture him in my mind and fight him. Normally it doesn't get to that point but it did stop him for a long while. Hope you get to feeling better.

Thanks for the kind words and advice everyone. I really appreciate you folks being open and honest when telling your individual stories. I'm doing a lot better now that I have a support system (IOP), some distractions (this board), and better medication (Abilify). It's amazing how quickly things can change.