Never enough information...

I find that I read endlessly about schizophrenia and psychosis ever since it happened to me. It's been two years now and I've done nothing but improve. Even though I'm getting better I have this endless quest for knowledge...why can't I shut it off. I should be living a normal life right now but when I go to work I spend half my time googling or reading on pubmed. How have you moved beyond your illness? How can I?

i have done that too. for a couple years. i search because i feel like even though i know whats going on ...its still like i feel that i dont ACTUALLY know whats going on with me. schizophrenia is so variable between individuals and all doctors dont agree on things and diagnoses can change. i look in my past and it clearly shows i do have it but i feel like dont sometimes. most of the info out there is extremely general for what ACTUALLY goes on. any good info would be in forums cause you talk to real people. i mean ive read the general descriptions on many places but they dont really detail the reality of dealing with it and actually make it sound "crazier" than it actually is. most people couldnt recognize many Sz people in person even if they talked to them. the symptoms could be that subtle. i actually realized that i dont really truly know whats going on with me. sounds funny. but i know the description and have an understanding of Sz but i learned its extremely hard for me to recognize in myself. sort of like someone telling you to change for the better and you know you need to and everyone points out specific things about you but you dont even know what the heck is wrong with you from your own POV. uou cant see it in yourself.

i learned i had to partly accept that i cant recognize everything in me. that helped me stop looking and also doing other stuff besides using the internet.

ugh crap.

i hate typing a lot

i know other people dont like reading big stuff.
hell i dont either - so im not doing any spell checks. not that i do anyway...

Sometimes psychotic I did a lot of that for awhile but I found so many things that I thought were wrong or made me mad that I stopped. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places, but that was what happened. I agree with newtus. I'd rather talk to real people about real experiences and their thoughts and ideas about it.

I've been reading about depression and mental health stuff since I first got it 6 years ago. When the psychosis stuff started, I read more about that. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing, though it sounds like it's lowering your productivity at work. Could you confine it to when you are on a break or at home?

I was interested in psychology before the depression struck, but my reading about MI massively increased when it got personal. It made me fancy a career in psychiatry, and then, when I realised that I couldn't face being a junior doctor and was starting to lose faith in psychiatry, made me switch to psychology to see if I could become a clinical psychologist. I could do health psychology with my background in medicine, but I'm more interested in MI.

I still have essays to write for Uni, but after I've finished I have a stack of reading about psychosis, recovery stories by Escher & Romme, differences in treatment in different countries, Elyn Saks' book etc. I'm looking forward to learning more about psychosis from a non-psychiatric perspective. I haven't moved beyond my illness, but I feel like the reading I have for the summer will help me explore other treatment options and ways of seeing myself that will help me one day move on from being 'sick', even if the symptoms don't completely disappear. And I think that may be the same for you - when you understand what happened to you and why, I think you will be able to 'move on'.

All the best,

*Willow*

Well I can try to confine it but I'm given a lot of time to read about science at my job and that's when I'm doing it so its not affecting my short term but long term productivity. So it's hard to cut out because there are no consequences.

Maybe that's what is happening....the scientists and drs don't understand psychosis at all so there are no answers and that's what's getting to me. I actually considered changing careers to work on schizophrenia research but its just not my style...too many mouse brains or human interventions.

The problem is its almost like I'm addicted. I just google constantly or read pubmed....there is new stuff everyday and I've been having trouble sleeping so I get in a lot of reading time. I've probably read every first hand account and guide that amazon has to offer. I felt good last week because I was reading Nora Roberts but now I've started up on autism because I can relate to some of the social issues.

I think the problem is I want there to be a purpose or something to learn from this and there just isn't...

What you wrote above and what you say under your crow picture about not being sure why you're here, I think they're linked. You don't have to leave microbiology and research sz to have a purpose. I think that I can use my experience to help others, and I've chosen to try and do that through a career in psychology, but that's not the only way, and may not even happen for me. The likelihood of me becoming a clinical psychologist are incredibly slim: it's ridiculously competitive and then I have these issues on top that make it hard for me to study or work full time at the moment, and the doctorate is full time study and work for three years with no part-time option.

What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to change jobs to have a purpose. There is no 'right' way of seeing psychosis or learning from it. Maybe your purpose can be helping people here on PC? You gave me really useful information about CBT for psychosis that I really appreciated. Maybe your purpose is in understanding your experience and being open minded when you meet others with MI in society? Maybe it's to challenge you that there are other perspectives out there other than science?

Personally I think there is something to learn from our experiences, but maybe that's because I don't want to think of myself or others suffering needlessly? I think you will find peace with this, but maybe don't just limit yourself to pubmed. I stuck with psychiatry for a very long time, and it's only recently that I've started to branch out, and I think that's where my recovery will be found, and hopefully then I can use this journey to help others along their way. Just posting on PC that you had psychosis and have recovered gives the rest of us hope that we will get there too one day. Don't underestimate the importance of your presence here!

*Willow*

exactly.

I think the more you learn about any subject, the more questions you will have and the more there will be to explore, research, learn and wonder about. I see nothing wrong with this. Learning never ends and the information is ever-changing, there are so many ways to see something, use what works for you but don't worry about continuing to seek information. Who knows, you might come to your own conclusions and end up with something to add to the literature.

Winter said it really well, Sometimes. You do have a purpose, I believe. Especially because of your scientific background, you are able to read and decipher a lot that is published in these studies. Because of your LEARNED experience, I believe you can help others while helping yourself.

im annoyed by my looking. thats part of the reason why i stopped coming to forums AND CAUSE PARANOIA...but wait my PARANOIA is JUSTIFIED.
soo...yea..its just FEAR then..