Roll Call Eight

Hey newtus,

Happy Birthday!

thanks cybermember!!!

medicare is a nightmare

What's wrong?

its just a nightmare. cuz im on disability for schiz. the whole thing. other people here know my hassle especially costello and mimi and gretta.

the choosing a plan. the questionaire. the questionaire requirement doesnt have options in their drop down boxes for my specific life situation. the jumping through hoops with social security. their gazillion rules. just all of it.

ive been pulling the hair on my head so much im thinning now. cuz of the stress. as some of you know ive suffered from trichotillomania since i was 9. its a hairpulling disorder caused by stress/anxiety. i have had no eyebrows/eyelashes since i was 9. so this sucks. i didnt start with my hair on my til last year or so and its now showing. i vowed never to but i do it unconsciously. so im so upset over THAT. too.

That sucks.

I was biting off my arm hair today... I haven't pulled my hair eyebrows or eyelashes for a while but I'm always getting urges.

people think i can just stop. i cant just stop. if i could just stop i wouldnt have done it most my life. if i wanted people to not make fun of me as a child for having no eyebrows and eyelashes - believe me i wouldve stopped. its not like smoking and its worse than stopping smoking. i just am so upset at myself for having started on my scalp now. it was completely unconscious.

thing is i realized pulling my hair is very soothing to me. its like being hugged or (actually) being petted on the head in my case. its a soothing repitive thing. which makes sense why i do it when im stressed.

not to be cliche but i wasnt hugged enough to my standards as a child. but im more rarely hugged now as it is.

thats why online friends only meet so many standards very little. id like to be hugged and physically open my mouth to talk more verbally to someone. my dad says some times i rarely talk and sometimes a lot i talk. but if something is caged up itll spew out. that why people think im mental cause i talk to myself rather subconsciously.

hm. HONESTLY? its hard enough to get live friends. i wish i could also get a boyfriend as id LIKED to be touched intimately. god knows that would relieve prob tons of my stress.

I think we're a lot alike. I'm a complete loner because of my own personal anxiety plus people are assholes and I just wish I could have RL friends and just someone to hold me.

Pulling my eyelashes in between typing damn lol. Punching my arms and legs calm me as well.

Can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep.

I haven't slept properly in days.

I hate sleep but I'm so tired what if they get me while I'm sleeping?

punching myself calms my too...i cut too....
as far as people go i have anxiety too and paranoia about them.

and yep
i dont necessarily mean sex but yea thatd be nice HAh...
...but yea holding. messages. hugs. back rubs. just whatever. where someone is embracing my body.

Thanks Sometimes! I've got a book called 'Think You're Crazy, Think Again' which is a resource book for cognitive therapy for psychosis. I was hoping that'd have practical activities in it, but the text is so dense that I haven't been able to start it and it's just stuck on the pile of other books I want to read right now but can't.

Thank you Gr3tta! I was hoping that maybe he'd agree to say that I've been 'taking meds for 2 years and 1 month' (which is true) rather than I've been prescribed meds for 3 years, and they'd squeeze me in at only one month over, but I'm not too hopeful.

This is what I'm struggling with right now. That a bunch of studies show that they'd be wasting their time taking me anyway because I won't recover; it's been too long. That the NHS has turned it's back on me because I'm not worth helping. That I'm stuck outside the locked gate that is the journey to recovery, with nothing but a bunch of tablets that I don't even want to take.

I'm honestly feeling pretty hope-less right now

*Willow*

now im embarrassed by what i wrote.

You have no reason to be embarrassed!

My son's headed off for his first peer support specialist training class. I let him use my car to save him gas and wear and tear on his car. I think he's pretty nervous. He sometimes has trouble with academics. I told him this group of students will probably be unlike any other group he's taken a class with. Probably older with difficult life experiences, away from the classroom for a long time, possibly with cognitive issues that make school work more challenging. Hopefully they'll all be understanding of one another.

I just want all the bad memories to stop. It's like I have flashbacks. The memories are so intrusive and seem to come out of nowhere. I say no to them, trying to not get stuck in their vividness and intensity. I get a few moments of peace, then they creep in again.
Lately it's been harder than usual. I have already talked about this stuff, had psychotherapy etc. , but it still just haunts me and I want it to stop. I want to erase my past.

is there anything i can do to ease intramuscular injection pain?

i know what you mean. sometimes what plays out as flashbacks in my head never happened (or happened YET!) i call them visions. but sometimes i get flashbacks of the stabbing and stuff. stuff that DID happen. and my dad almsot dying. twice. and bullying and all that.

@costello- how exciting! I really hope he likes it. He will definitely be among people who are having the same anxieties he is. Hopefully that will make it easier.

@newtus - I forgot to say happy b-day! Sorry! Happy belated!

@willow- I think it makes perfect sense that you feel defeated. Totally reasonable emotion. I just know that things always change - a new program could pop up, a law could change, insurance rules could become different, etc. There might be better help coming soon that you don't even know about today. But for now I think you have the right to feel bad. I hope you can find ways to comfort yourself.

@mimi - I'm so sorry you're having bad flashbacks. I deal with these too. Its horrible. Please remind yourself the past is the past - its not now, and it can't be no matter how hard it tries. Please stay safe, you've earned it.

Gr3tta and Newtus: thanks.

Newtus: have you tried putting ice on the injection area?

I'm so sorry.

My son gets that too. I tell him to put his attention on something else, and I know he tries. It's just hard.

Yeah, it takes a lot of practice. I distract myself as much as possible, and stay away from triggers/ things that may remind me of stuff. It's like I am hypersensitive sometimes and almost everything is a trigger.
I need to find a comedy to watch on Netflix.
Does anyone have a recommendation for a comedy?

Costello: so cool about your son's peer support training. I think when we help others it gets us out of our own heads.

I haven't slept in days. It feels like it. I got some sleep here and there, but hardly enough to consider it real sleep.

All I feel like doing is sleeping, but I can't. My mind won't let me. My mind is blank but it still won't let me sleep.

Oh my god how could I get so fat. I was nice and I was getting somewhere and I gained all that weight back I'm FAT I'm a HUGE BLOB oh god why did I look at those pictures. I was thinner then. I need to be that thin again. THINNER. I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT I'M SO FAT.