Roll Call Twelve

i think im gonna um talk briefly about things ive been leaving out here.

ive been very paranoid lately. seeing more demons. i never know when my paranoia crawls into delusions. but ive been paranoia about people wanting to hurt me. very. to the point where im not wanting to leave me house as much. not many voices but seeing stuff and paranoia. ive been having demons stalk and attack me when im alone.

let me just say i lost about 5 pounds and im very happy about that. i stopped eating fast food and stuff.

my memory has been bad. i use the oven and forget it on. i make coffee and forget it make it. every single time. i lose things and within 1 min dont remember where i put it. i remmeber reading schiz as being early dementia or something in past decades books and it worries me.

I'm glad to see so much honest discussion going on here, I think it's a good thing.

As for me? I'm not feeling that great. I had a panic attack earlier, thankfully it's passed but I was really scared. I was/am scared because I'm starting to show signs of catatonia again. Little warning signs that others have noticed around me and i'm scared.

do you have panic attacks a lot?

I'd say I have them only occasionally most of the time, but when the holiday season rolls around I have a bunch.

I'm really sorry you're going through this Newtus!

I won't be picking any more mushrooms this season, because the ground is frozen solid and covered with snow. Apparently we are supposed to get a major storm tomorrow.

I'm sorry

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm back, I've been out of it the past few days. I need to post on my blog again too, I have a thing I was supposed to be doing daily but, uh, I kind of forgot. I forget a lot of things.

I hallucinated a conversation between my mom and my aunt in the living room while I was in bed. Found out later that my aunt hadn't come over and it had just been my mom and my stepdad in the room. But I distinctly remember hearing my aunt talking to my mom, and my mom answering. Scary stuff.

I messed up my back today by sitting curled up over my laptop in bed. I'm kind of a loser like that, apparently. I also have chronic pain issues, and it hurts really bad, which contributes to stress, which contributes to my paranoia/psychosis. I can't sleep I hurt so bad.

Sorry if I sound like I'm whining, I just...my mom tells me to just 'stretch' and get over it.

Just bought a Wacom , not the expensive ones I can't afford them, but I think it will still be pretty cool.
Should be here tomorrow, so I can draw some cool stuff etc

A digital drawing tablet right? Are you able to save your drawings on it? It sounds like it's pretty cool

I'd love to have a digital drawing tablet. I'd love to be able to actually draw and do more comics or other things in general, and have them digitally rather than on paper. Rather than trying to learn to draw with the mouse like I have dones in the passed (which is not that great, lol.)

Yeah it seems pretty cool, going to try it tomorrow when it comes and I'm sure you can save pics.

They have a manga version of it as well faerie. That would be awesome for your comics.

Wacoms are meant to be the best ones.

I have an intuos wacom tablet. It's -amazing-. It takes a while to get used to, but once you do....wow!

That would be pretty awesome. Something else to fuel my mania driven projects.

If you're able to upload your drawings it would be pretty cool to see them.

Also coyote, if you have any pictures you can show us that would be coo!

I also own one and love it. It has amazing capabilities and is so easy to use. Usually I use the tablet for editing photos, but whenever I feel creative, I try to draw in Photoshop.

Please share some artwork.

Newtus felt ganged up on she said and I saw posts from other people too. Then she says she doesn't want to talk anymore and it gets to me because of my poverty of speech.

I try to post many times but always end up erasing it. If I did I would deserve death to many people since the little things I say are apparently offensive already

I'm really sorry if what I said to Newtus upset you. I've apologized to Newtus and she has forgiven me. I hope you'll do the same

I am having a hard time.There is a mix, a battle between the good and bad. 90% bad 10% good. My mom is sick AGAIN. F-ing again. Every time it seems. She is 99% sick, never just a cold. Yes, it might start off that way, but goes directly into bronchitis or pneumonia. Death angels will come... oh I meant Demons. This year my house has been surrounded by demons. On top of that an F-ing liar unless something changes which I will pray for tonight. Liars DIE. Liars go to Hell. I have had people time and time again toying with my emotion, in that it was worth absolutely NOTHING. This person said she would buy 15 prints from me. Then she was like... "It costs money?" And I responded WTF. Awhile ago I had this person basically hire me for doing their pet funeral commissioned artwork. I got my hopes up for that, but in my heart I knew she was lying. Yep, false hopes. My trust for people is nil. I'm even wondering about my friends except one. But I don't know. i am terrified to walk in a store, fearing for my life and mind. Waiting in the car, of course someone will kill me. The world fears my skills. I cause all hell on this planet and beyond. I knew the Dow will skyrocket but leave our family in the dark, with no recovery in sight. There is nothing to hope for, what is hope even mean? It ain't in my vocabulary. I have learned my lessons over the years not to trust another human being. Yes, there is God. But most people are demon possessed. They are forced to hurt others, cheat on others, lie to others, etc. I am so scared. I have a dark heart. I am pure blackness, just like a blackhole sucking in any light. Now I have no idea why angels have saved me before, why would anyone love me? Outside the family that is. The sun is too bright for me. You know how many times people promised things that they actually followed through with? I can count it on ONE hand. How many promises? Literally hundreds or even thousands over my lifetime. I've also had friends betray me. Bullies gang up on me. I have even had someone threaten to KILL me (not a delusion, it was a student at a school I went to). I know Hell awaits me. My life each and every year gets worse and worse with no upside. OK that's all for now.

I've been feeling very violent lately and very aggressive. I can't seem to handle much and it bothers me so much. I really need a antipsychotic, but my psychiatrist is so hard to get a reach of. I'm hoping I can get the needed meds tomorrow since I can't live like this anymore.

I smuggled my ten chicks into the office today, so my coworker's daughter could see them.

Shhhh!!! Don't tell anyone.

Firebird: I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time and your mom is sick again. People can be such jerks. I've had many people be jerks to my face like that over the years, tellitn you one thing then turning around and doing something completely mean, or lying. It does make it hard to trust people. In my mind I don't trust whenever people say they will do something for me. I may smile and nod and say thank you, but on the inside I'm thinking "Yeah right, I can't count on you."

It really sounds like the stress is triggering you. Do you have anyone in your life you can reach out to? I know it's hard sometimes to do that. I have trouble with telling people I need help. I hope your mom is better soon and I hope soon you have less stress and jerks around so you can relax.

medicalfox: I hope you can get in touch with your doctor and get your meds.

Costello: Hahaha.... that might just inspire another comic if I can think of how to draw it. but I can totally see you smuggling chickens around with you.

Okay Costello, you inspired me once again.

lol... That's wonderful!