Roll Call Twelve

I've been holding this in for the longest time and it's just so triggering. I live with my landlord (he's related to my boyfriend) and he's so arrogant and selfish. He only allowed us to live here because he wanted money. What really pushed me over the edge is that he took away our spaces in his three door garage and allowed two random people to rent them to make more money. The one other space is for his new car (which he bought using our rent money) and it's a fancy sports car and he has another car which is just his civic. He pays $130 for a gym membership and he always leaves us to handle his business with other people while he goes out to parties. We had to be here for the other people taking the garage spaces and deal with the matter which was a big slap to the face. He complains of not having money, but he spends it so carelessly so that's why he never has the heat on and not much furniture.

Okay I'm done with my rant. I don't expect an answer, I just needed to get this out.

In other good news I got all the answer right on my medical terminology final exam so I have an A in that class now

All I have to do is my English final exam and several essay for sociology which should be easy as long as I remain focused.

Are you in college? I have done a health care course myself. What are you studying for?

Yes I am and I'm currently a pre med student that will be applying to the medical laboratory tech program this spring.

The cool nurse came today with someone.
She said she thinks ill be fine, keep taking my meds, I told her I'm a TI, that's why it wasn't working, she said they think its a psychotic illness and I might just need different meds.

Well, Kureha, I hope you do live passed Christmas. And I hope that after you can find some peace of mind and not have to be afraid all the time. You're really smart and a good person and if you didn't have to live in fear like this all the time you could start focusing on things that make you happy.

Thanks, but I don't think I have long left.
Nurse said I got to drink less energy drinks, because they make me agitated, got my pills and drinks, it's my like pick your poison.

Not much point giving up now.

i think im overmedicated on 100mg haldol

im so confused lately. mentally. like idk whar truly day it is or month. having trouble with the year too. having trouble with understanding what people say.

ifeel like i just woke up from a coma with brain damage.

forreal.

i mean im even having trouble knowing how to use the computer right now.

its like really bad.
i remember 1 hospital stay they put me on haldol too much of it and i became confused. so bad they took me off immediately.

its just really bad.

Make sure you tell your pdoc---if he's halfway decent he'll adjust the dose for you...

i saw him today and he took me off the double antipsychorics i was on. risperdal.

i think risperdal is causing my severe confusion. i even had dry mouth and trouble swallowing on it. i almost choked on my food 3 times so i think it was the risperdal.

but how long till this stuff out my sustem?

he didnt lower the dose of haldol

Well at least he took you off the risperidal...half life is 20 hours so so should be out of your system in a couple of days.
Hope you feel better after that...if not talk to him about the haldol too. I'm sure he just wants to change one thing at a time.

Newtus: I'm glad he took off the risperdal. It's not good to hear you saying you sound so confused. Hopefully that stops it. But do contact your doctor if it keeps up.

Kureha: Don't give up hope. I'll continue to hope for you.

the whole thing just makes me sick.
first of all he said he prob will lower the haldol in a few months or spring

THEN 1 month letter it UPs it.

i hate medicine.

honestly i guess i wont be telling them whats really bothering me anymore. cause effing time i did theyd increase the dose. or like how they put me on 2 APs.

AND THE REALLY SAD PART OF THAT IS in 2010 i denounnced psychiatry BECAUSE i was drugged up so much. i quit for 2 years not seeing a psych or therapist or anyone.and THIS time around -2 years or so later - i WAS trying to put my trust back into them and do what they say...because im struggling...

but now i dont even think i can again.
but then again i cant get away from them for many reasons. one being disability and just other sh_t.

it just makes me so mad. i want to cry.
it just makes me psychologically SICK because im feeling not to trust them anymore. because of ALL THIS. they are sick F_CKS.

i TOLD the doc i cant swallow/eat/drink food. he said "put it in a blender and drink it"
i was thinking wow thanks. you gotta be out of your F_KING mind man.

im really starting to wonder..like maybe not seeing psychiatrists or therapists again. just like n e body in that field. but this sucks bad. because i HAVE to see a doc while on disability. AND i dont want to be so bad again that i might goto jail. i mean this really...really sucks. bad.

i dont even know how to explain how much disappointment i have right now. and anger. and sadness.

everyone on here and just like IRL and just everywhere - they say "be honest. be honest with what your going thru". BUT SEE WHERE ITS GOTTEN ME?! do you see it?!
being honest gets you drugged.he even said i should maybe get an injection of 100mg every 2-3 weeks instead of 1x a month. if anybody can understand - i would sleeping and drugged out of my mind IIF I DID THAT. i had to quickly interject when he said that.

i just dont like this anymore. idc if i burn bridges with them. i hate this and them. this is killing me inside

Oh wow, he told you to blend your food? Seriously? I just...don't even know how to even. I'm so sorry to hear that you have to deal with that, newtus.

I can't believe he said that about the blender! What an *****!

theres prob more insane pyschiatrists than there are SANE ones.
for every one thats at least halfway okay theres like 5 who arent.

i honestly believe only 1 out of 5 pdocs are actually SANE and/or CARING people.

on another note i bought weight loss pills to lose weight. hope they work.

We have another new employee, but in spite of a recent unfortunate (and I feel genuinely unintentional) remark, I really like him! Maybe I am adjusting to new people better? That would be so nice!
I also have had some great conversations with patients lately. I love dimentia patients. I hate that they suffer so much, but I love figuring the communications challenges. You just have to start at the premise that everything the patient says Does make sense. Start from there and it gets lots easier to figure it out. So many caregivers fail to grasp that.

You must be a wonderful person to love dementia patients. I worked for a lot of patients with dementia and I can generally manage well with them unless they have aggression issues. I do hospice generally, but I also fill in for a variety of other cases. Are you a cna or a nurse?

To my psychiatrist,

The mistake you committed in 1996 cost me. You were my primary psychiatrist, one who failed to advocate for me, the puzzling patient. You ignored your instincts. Was it really that difficult to question yourself and the professional opinions of your colleagues? You were so convinced I was a certain way and came from a certain background. You even told me I had a substance abuse problem because I smoked pot 6 times in 6 months. I hardly call that a substance use problem. You diagnosed me with PTSD and told me my psychotic symptoms were due to dissociation and stress caused by my personality. Now all this is in my chart. (You could add a letter to my medical records to correct your errors. Anyway, you have privileges so it wouldn't be that difficult.)

I ended up with a BPD diagnosis from your colleague, the inpatient attending. After that no one wanted to deal with me. Some doctors would look at my chart and treat me terribly because of that diagnosis. Even you admitted that to me about 4 months ago.

Today you told me my personality is the cause of my despondency. You nearly accused me of malingering, because I did not have a good enough reason to feel sad.

Do I have to be floridly psychotic for you to hear me? Do I? You know when I was diagnosed with BPD I was ignored and basically told to my face that my situation was helpless. No psychiatrist would have given a damn if I had succeeded back in September 1998. They probably would've laughed it off. Didgee's dead and gone. We don't have to ****ing deal with her anymore. I'm not quitting on that topic because it hurts and it's real. Perhaps it's parallel to the psychotic who is in denial of their illness. But their illness is more legitimate than mine, whatever mine is. Whatever they do or say is excused. I am told it's me, my personality is what causes my problems.

Livid Didgee

Didgee, I'm so sorry this has happened

I'm getting worse. I have several essays left to do, but I don't feel okay. I'm so paranoid and I hear music so often now. I have terrible anxiety from my increased delusions and I'm trying to relax. I know that this could cause a manic episode so I'm going to start taking higher doses of my risperdal and hope for the best.

More video of the drone outside my house



They zapped my brain with **** on Monday

On a positive note I just got this - signed by the whole band, got it from ebay and yes it's real