Roll Call 14

they said "if u are male and have taken risperdal" and got man boobs - basically - they had a word for it - then to call them

That commercial made me laugh with grim satisfaction. Risperdal was the ****ing devil for me.

I keep wondering why I even bother. I do all the right things, I take the pills, etc and I'm still a wreck. It's officially hospital season for me too, like seriously if I'm going to get hospitalized it's going to be within the time frame of January through March. I want to make it without the hospital this time but I don't know if I can do it.

i think you can do it atypical. i really think u can.

but theres that slim chance yu dont.

---
risperdal made me highly confused. mentally. like i had no idea where i was or who i was. or what was going on or where i was. then i couldnt swallow.!!! and damn doc said "blend your food and drink it" i was WTF

I think you can do it, AD. I think it's a great goal to get through without the hospital.

heres my hospitalization from october 2012

i was reading a philosophy book (yay i read a little)
and it had an argument on suicide and it talked about suicide and a mom whos son with schizophrenia committed suicide.

i so badly want to do away with myself in many ways.

I hope I get used to the Zyprexa sometime soon, I'm so tired even though I slept over 12 hours last night/this morning.

Suicide is a horrible demon. I hope you can find wellness instead. It's a horrible thing to live with that in your head, I know it first hand.

Newtus, if you are feeling suicidal now please call someone or get help now!
The suicide prevention hotline number is (800) 273-8255.
The suicide of a loved one is a terrible thing for those who are left behind.

last time i called suicide prevention the police stormed my house and dragged me out practically. im not doing that again. that made the second time they did that. police storming my house and dragging me out is NOT prevention its mishandling and a threat to me.

im bored. it sucks not having a job but im also scared to start appllying at other places. i dont know why but it makes me nervous . i dont like interviews.

i kind of miss my voices right now because im spending so muc time alone. it maeks me lonely and i mis talking to them

im like that too many time JunkDNA

i miss my voices many many many times cause im alone a lot

i still cant believe i called the suicide hotline last november and told them i was homicidal and they said READ A BOOK or WATCH A MOVIE

f_k yall motherFs

i ran out of smokes

i feel guilty missing them.

Peer Support Line FAQ - Western Mass RLC | Healing and Recovery Through Peer Support

I know I posted this before but the link changed...this is a number for peer support...people who have survived suicide attempts and mental illness. They do take out of state calls but are not 24 hours...anyway if you want someone to talk to this is a good number to call.

thanks sometimes

ill look into that

It's 2014 here now. I heard the people celebrating in the streets. The thought of having to live another year makes me sob and sob. I know I haven't posted in a while but I have been lurking and thinking about you all. I just haven't known what to say. I put on a good show for Christmas, but since then I haven't been able to face it. Max and I have been holed up in my bedroom all the time. He's been so good to me, giving me lots of cuddles: I hardly deserve him. I just feel completely and utterly hopeless about the future. The OT will only work with me if I have goals to work towards, and I have none. I don't even care about going back to Uni any more. The psychologist will only work with me after I've made some progress with the OT. I suppose he doesn't want to waste his time. So it looks like I'm on my own.

I'm just so scared of everything. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my benefits because the doctors think there's nothing wrong with me. And I'm terrified about having to get a job. I'm terrified that my parents will get sick of me and throw me out and I'll be homeless. The voices are constantly taunting me. They don't say anything, but I can feel them there and I know that they're being quiet to make me think that I made them up, that I'm a terrible person. My parents keep asking what's wrong, but I can't say. I just want to die, but I don't want to worry them. They were so scared when I was in hospital and I don't want to do that to them again.

People keep texting wishing me a happy new year, but I couldn't be any less happy if I tried. Everyone around me seem so happy and content, but it's like I'm in a bubble and no-one can reach me. Everyone seems to know where they're going and what they want in life, but I'm just completely clueless. I'm 27 and have done nothing with my life. I'm a shell of a person, barely existing. It all just feels so futile.

*Willow*

willow PLEASE post more. we love u here.

i just helped my 60 something yr old dad text 20 people happy new year - wishing i had that many friends. my dad knows so many.

starting this new year makes me fe suicidal. because i dont deserve this year. i deserve nothing. why am i even born? i am a mistake. a popped condom probably. someone missed their birth control maybe.

idk what i want in life willow im where u are or where u think u are.

I had a horrible night and day. I can't understand why I am so sick. I've been staying home and in my bedroom mostly. I went through a drive thru on Sunday night. Woke up Monday morning with a sore throat. Felt worse as the day went on. Developed a really bad, annoying cough. My whole entire body hurts. I had a terrible time sleeping last night. I went from freezing to sweating all through the night. Running a fever. This fever really messed with my head. All sorts of stuff going on in my head. Felt like I was going mad! I cannot understand why and how I got so sick! Feels like the flu! I hate this! That darn drive thru is where I must of picked up this terrible sickness! This sucks! I feel like I've been hit by an 18 wheeler!

Gr3tta I hope you're feeling better today!

Willow I'm glad you posted...I've missed having you around. I briefly had a OT while I was on the psych ward...they will help you do whatever you want. I told mine I wanted to get back to my art and for a brief time they let me into a special arts and crafts room. It was truly the greatest crafts room that I had ever seen...they had so many fun things. After being in the psych ward with zero to do it was like I had access to a special place in heaven for just an hour. I did not want to leave...I built a special wand from Popsicle sticks leather shells and feathers...it was beautiful and magical to me but they would not let me keep it even when I left. What do you want to do or be...it can be anything....perhaps a trip to the ocean or visit a friend learn something new an instrument...the ukulele is really fun...a new language...anything can be a goal. Maybe go watch an orchestra play....whatever it is....they are there to help keep your mind and body engaged....why not try relaxing yoga or meditation? Think back to the things you enjoyed as a child...that's a great place to start. Perhaps just a simple walk outside for some fresh air?

Happy new year everyone and hopefully it will be a great one!

I am hoping and praying that each and every one of us have a better year. Here's wishing all of you a very blessed New Year 2014!!!!