Roll Call 14

Happy new year to all you wonderful people.

i had the flu with high fever. the fevers made my thinking go whack. hope u feel better soon

happy new years everyone

hoping this year turns out better than the last.

I just stepped on one of my favorite pairs of reading glasses and broke them. I saw them on the floor when I sat down and thought, "I'd best pick those up or I'm likely to step on them and break them." Then I didn't. A half hour later I stood up and stepped on them.

As my mother would say, "Now that had to happen."

i have voices saying "your smoking wrong" when i smoke my cigarettes

might delete my blog

Thank you so much Newtus! You're so kind. I don't deserve you guys being so nice to me.

Newtus

Everything just seems so pointless.

Thanks Sometimes The OT is probably going to turn me down. I might even cancel the appt so I don't waste her time or have to listen to her reasons for declining me. Probably another "you're not helping yourself" ugh!

I don't want to do or be anything anymore, that's the problem. When I think about going back to Uni, I just think what's the point?! What's the point in anything anymore?!

I want to run away, but the problem is me so wherever I go, I'll still be the problem. The only way to escape me is to die...but I'm too chicken to do anything about it. My time in the hospital proved that.

I just feel trapped.

*Willow*

My voices have totally said the same **** when I smoke. That's wild.

Willow I'm sorry you're feeling so damn bad. It's just, it makes me want to yell "it's not fair!" when I read your posts. I hate that you've been dismissed so many times, because I believe your problems are very real. I wish I could do more to help but I do care.

why do you want to delete it?

Ok here is one more option...working both with and against the system...be the change they need, whether that is as a psychologist or just a patient activist. I started reading this book the bitterest pill written by a British psychiatrist. It's about the history of APs. I haven't gotten very far in but it's awesome to see a psychiatrist who is critical of APs. I suppose it's the evil in me but wouldn't it be fun to say to your OT your goal is to read this book...then you could educate her on your progress. Maybe it's just me who likes to mess with my therapy team but they actually seem to enjoy the challenge. Maybe make your goal finding out more about open dialogue? I know you were researching that before. If none of that works you can always try the fake it until you make it tactic. If there is literally nothing you want to do put some activities in a hat a pick one to be your new imaginary passion. It's a lot easier to go along with doing what they want you to do than to fight them at every step because they will withhold privileges such as therapy from you. So go through the motions, learn to play the keyboard, pick up chess whatever, it doesn't matter, just do it until you get what it is you really want. That's what most of us do in our day jobs anyway....it's like 8 hours of ok whatever you say for some cash flow and fun on the weekends. Anyway....I have hope for you! Hope you feel better soon.

because it seems worthless and no one reads it anyway

plus i feel like i don t want to write most times.

anyone see demons a lot?

i feel like going outside naked or driving naked and going somewhere naked

i feel compellrd by angels demons god to go somewhere naked

must...resist...being on...news ....becus angels demons god

Got followed by bird drones today.
Saw a couple of stalkers, they didn't try anything.

Ordered a bmx it's coming tomorrow.

I'm sick of the meds, so I'm going to refuse tonight.

bmx is awesome

i tried it once. i could barely do it

Move to the north---we've got like 8 inches of snow on the ground, trust me you won't go outside naked!

I haven't done tricks and stuff - but I've always wanted a bmx, plus the Dr said I'm going to get fat, so I need the exercise, I'll just cycle around looking for evidence.

My husband used to do BMX as a teenager. He was really, really good. They wanted him to go pro, but that was right when his mom had her major bipolar breakdown and was diagnosed. He felt he had to help take care of her so he quit instead. It's too bad because him doing it actually would have helped her more (due to making money,) but he was just a kid so you can't blame him for his choice. But, he also told me that going pro meant having a lot more regulations and rules you have to follow, and not being able to compete at any event. He's really a "I do what I like" kind of guy, so too much regulations is hard for him to follow.

I couldn't do BMX. The last time I rode a bike I ran right into a tree taking a corner to fast.

Newtus, I hope you feel better. Going outside naked is over rated. Maybe once streaking was shocking, but with so much nudity on t.v. it's not so much any more. Plus, you don't realize how much dust and leaves and stuff is blowing around on the breeze when you have clothes on.

I do quite a bit.

dust and leaves will blow in my crotch

ill be walking around with a tail
of leaves hooked to my a_ss and a dirty butt

i bought beer and sushi

lotsa beer

my dad (who has a drinking problem) bought beer and said he frgt about my sis and i intervention for him cuz half of it took place when he was drunk. so he gave the beer to me...

idk what to think

Thanks Sometimes but I'm not sure that this would work for me, or fool them. I don't see what coming up with a load of bull$hit 'goals' will achieve. If I said I wanted to read a book or do art, which I don't, why would I need an OT?! I could just do it myself! I don't really get what an OT is supposed to do anyway...

Mum said she's worried about me, worried that I'll go back to hospital...which is totally ridiculous!! They can only section me if I'm a danger to myself (or others), which I'm not, otherwise I wouldn't be here!

Tomorrow is my Nan's 19th anniversary. My parents reckon this staying in bed avoiding everyone is to do with that, but it's not. I think they hope that I'll just snap out of it once the anniversary is past, but I don't see that happening...

I've tried the 'fake it 'til you make it' thing my whole life and I've never 'made it'. I can keep it going for a while, but eventually it all comes crashing down around me. When I left the hospital I figured that if they could pretend it doesn't exist then so could I...that lasted until just after Christmas. Now I'm just tired of the pretence and I don't see the point in trying anymore.

*Willow*

lol.NEWTUS, you crack me up.
u might trip over that tail too!