Roll Call 19

its just that im sort of losing my passion for art idk why. im thinking of getting into photography to rekindle my passion.

That's ok newtus. Me drunk.

I like to take photos and then paint from those photos but as far as inspiration for me I usually just need something new either a new media to try like water soluble oil paint or I was thinking of trying silk painting. Sometimes just getting a new plant or flower is enough to trigger the creative impulse or if I want big time inspiration I visit a new place I've never been before weren't you talking about visiting California?

Newtus: when are you going to California?

Oh that sounds wonderful! When was the last time you visited your grandmother?

I'm afraid of flying too. But it is the quickest way to get there. I'm sure your grandmother will enjoy seeing you again. Is she your dad's mother or your mom's mother?

my moms mother. my dads mother and father already passed 20+ years ago. so my moms mother is my only grandmother i have left. and her dads still alive too. old too.

How long is the flight from Dallas to California?

3-4 hours!!! id still rather drive there you know.

Yeah I'd rather drive too. But maybe you can get a non-stop flight there. Flying would be the fastest way. And I do think it's very important that you go because this might be your last chance to see your grandmother.

i feel like sleeping all day. meh.

I had to go or I was going to burn down the house. Started on Geodon, 60 mg twice a day I think. It makes me tired as hell.

I can so relate to this frustration.

I'm here I'm totally fine I'm just not sure what I can add to the forum anymore because it's like my mind just wants to forget any of this ever happened to me. It like my brain is rewriting history. What is reminds me of is how sometimes when someone is really obese and they get skinny it's hard for them to hang out with other people who are still heavy because it's an aspect of themselves that they no longer accept despite the fact that they totally understand. It's like my brain is telling me how terrible psychosis is/was rather than some of the neat things about the experience. It's an unbalanced perspective. I just don't want to bring this negativity to you guys. I'm starting to feel like an outsider here and I'm trying to figure out if it's time for me to move on with my life or just to have a more limited role in terms of some of the more science based stuff or recovery or whatever. Just not sure right now but I feel like a jerk for feeling this way but it's like there is a division between what I am now and what I was. Like take clozapine...when I was sick I was all no way I'm touching that stuff it's poison cause it is but now I'm like clozaril is useful in certain hard to treat cases as a last resort etc and I would personally consider it...it's just weird it's like now that the threat that I would actually have to take it is gone I think about it entirely differently and I don't think it's a fair perspective. It's easy enough to say take a med when you're not personally dealing with the side effects. So that's what's going on I just don't have a good solution it's like I just want to go back into the mainstream world and blend in and forget all the psychiatrists and meds etc. like it was a bad bad dream.

voices are gone. yay!

I realized mah prollem as soon as I googled "benzodiazepine factories"..

My son's fine. Still reducing his meds.

My chickens are also fine. I bought four Black Australorp chicks a couple of weeks ago. And tonight I bought 2 Brown Leghorns and 3 Speckled Sussex.

And I'm fine also.

I'm pretty tired since I only got 4 hours of sleep today. I tried to do a few chores and get my college situation all set, but my parents hindered my ability to complete my fafsa which is poop. I plan on applying to a lot of scholarships and I'm hoping that I will win a couple. If I was completely honest about myself I could most likely win a lot, but scholarship essays of those who win get published and it would look bad if an employer knew I was on the schizophrenic spectrum.

I slept like 3 hours. I just took more meds. This sucks bc I'm gonna have to figure out something else for sleep. Ugh...I hate this...This suuuucccckkks!! I've tried so many meds for sleep. I don't know what else we can try. I'm not going back on seroquel...no way. I can't think of what else we can try. So frustrating

i forgot to take my meds these past few days and im getting into a routine of not wanting to take them now

Today has been dragging on for me. I feel like just going back to bed.

i feel like sleeping all day. meh.