I do this all the time

If I feel vulnerable or crushing on any lady. I will shut down and not talk to her or anyone.This rarely happens I've had 8 failed abusive relationships in the past 4 years. I don't have problems with doing them or starting them. If I feel like I have to love someone that wound has been broken and destroyed so much I'm stuck not wanting to love because if I don't they leave and if I do open up a little they'll leave. It's happened either way, it started because I opened my heart as a friend to people. Either I got raped, beaten, or forced to undergo torture and things I wouldn't wish on anyone when recovering I'm always told you'll need to work on yourself. I hate hearing it now, I've done enough and it's so hurtful to me because I feel like I'm not good enough regardless what I do. Any feelings aren't really real, so if I feel like I love anyone I lie and deny and pretend it never existed. So I find out the intentions of the person, always the person is a ****** person or not interested or both. I've been very positive and attracted people, but I hate being told if a girl likes me it's for bad reasons. I don't like people. I can't choose who I want to love, I gotta settle for something I'm expected to throw away and being told off like. Is that what people do, if you're not so lucky get masochistic and throw your life away. I hate being here, I'm tired being second or last. I'm tired putting all the effort for anyone quality and I'm just a piece of nothing. I hate putting my emotions or anything, I abuse myself on a regular basis masochistic behavior, because I hate feeling loved then abandoned from false promises. I hate it I hate it. I don't want anything, I sometimes hope to die from this ****ed up place of this world. Everything is doomed to fail and same with relationships. So I always say, don't bother with it, don't get anything started get ready to take your suicide pills when you can't go on or too old to take care of yourself and justified you survived being alone. I don't know I've dated a lot of girls, gotten close to some girls, but now. I don't care, my wants and needs are nothing. I hate this society I have to pick a girl on her needs, **** that! I get nothing, and rewarded with something stupid like sex or manipulative ****. That's ****ed up why people want that. I think it's very abusive and controlling I wanted to be treated with respect and when I stick up for myself decent girls get mad or not so decent get mad at me, because I'm honest to them like their girlfriends and such and I can tell them off and not be afraid to stick up for myself when needed. I hate it, I don't want this body this label of everyother stupid mistake I hear from other guys. I'm in that category. No one wants to date me, because I'm a ****ed up loser that is so depressing they'll kill themselves with gasoline and light themselves on fire. That's how they treat me. I hate being here. I don't care who I piss off, I'm hurting enough. I lost a daughter through abortion, I was beaten and abused, no matter how much emotion or heart I put in I'm not worth the time to be looked at. I'm not what they want. I ****ing hate it. I hate putting anything for all the lies all the fake superficiality I know this generation will die and I hope it does, because it's heartless. There I ****ing said it. I don't care, I suffered enough. I use sex as a form of abuse to myself I want to be beaten raped and have someone I like to treat me like dirt and tease me like I'm a piece of ****. That's how I feel ****ing people

People always say you have to work on yourself and they always say you can't love anyone until you love yourself. But, here's the thing.... I have very low self-esteem and I'm married with kids. I've been suicidal since childhood. I've been through all this trauma and BS. I met my husband when I was completely suicidal. I had a plan for years, it just required a specific trigger which never came.

And the thing is, it changes. I don't have that plan any more. Suicide is a symptom, not an illness. And, it's powerful and a demon that lives with you for your whole life. I've learned this. I believe I've overcome suicide, however, I still have to watch my back because it still comes up in my thoughts. I don't think you can cure it, but I'm in remission from it, out of battling in my soul and mind 24/7. I know I'm unwell when it grows in strength, (because it's a symptom of other things.) Like a fever. A fever isn't the illness but you have to treat it or it will kill you.

Being full of anger and darkness doesn't just go away. But you can learn to take care of yourself and protect you from you. I think that's the key for people with MI when we're told "you have to work on you." And a relationship needs to be 2 sided. So, if you're drawn to toxic women, which it sounds like you are, the only way that's going to change is through you figuring out why you're drawn to these women and working on that. If you want someone who will take care of your needs you need to work on healing that part of you that thinks you don't deserve love.

It's hard, I know. I've walked that road. I met my husband on that road, and I'm still on that road. It's not something that just gets better. And there is no magical anything that will makeit better. but if you want a better relationship with someone who isn't toxic, first you have to start lifting yourself up so you know that you don't need to be beaten or raped or treated like trash, and you really don't deserve it. That's the lie of the suicide demon in your head. I know that demon well, and it's really good at lying and breaking you down.

I was just told by my therapist and my mom came to the conclusion. I'm a very rare commodity of not psychosis, but the fact I'm a true scotsmen, and my blood of that family kiln going through me body. I feel like that I was much bigger than some messed up piece of psychotic mess and doesn't know which way is up. I know knew way more than the average person, I've proven it on what I analyze and don't share on here. Not that I think people are stupid, but I feel like people have to earn it through respect and be knowledgeable to gain access to it. My therapist told me getting back to what I was saying, I'm not just a very high intelligent genius. I have a very high IQ even more my psychosis isn't psychosis. I'm being told I'm a medium or a psychic and my abilities are what I know of classically talk to the dead, an empath I can see other people's perspectives and thoughts behaviors and the thoughts and triggers that went behind it in lightning speed split seconds before they do or say what they are going to do, plus highly adaptive and very vivid dreams that have proven senses and things I never knew were true till I had it. Like brain injuries, coma, sex, love, bonds, etc. It's crazy my therapist believes I'm not crazy I'm a true psychic and on top of that very scientific and those types of mentalities that view life in a scientific practical nature like einstein. I mean I'm the literally the only crazy person who is the most unique crazy person out of the other crazies I was with. I mean when the other schizophrenics tell me I'm too weird for them you know it's weird and something is up. Very weird session today

I'm sorry that you've been having such a hard time lately. You need to learn to love yourself, so that when the right woman comes along you'll let her love you. There are good women out there who won't abuse you. You have to just figure out why it is that you keep picking the wrong ones.

I can talk to dead people too, and occasionally I can predict the future. My clairvoyance is awful though, so I don't feel like a legit psychic. Anyway, having these powers is pretty awesome; we can do good for the world that the average person can't because of our superpowers. Even our illness can be used as a tool to work good in the world. You've been through unspeakable pain and survived. That gives you the ability to be more compassionate and understanding.

It's not that about who I chose, it's bout who I say no and sticking up for myself if she takes things too far. I like people who care. I'm not going to say much what happened whether good or bad. I might of met a good person as such but just taking it as a grain of salt

has anybody noticed that the people that tell you thats it's easy to be happy again, are the people that have never felt depressed before??

and the people that think your fine are the people that obviously don't know you very well

Of course I knew that, I figured that out when I was a preteen through some emotional growth then