Roll Call 20

Do the ecigs work for you? Because there isn't anything intrinsically wrong with nicotine just the smoke part of it.

That's a great question, and now that I think about it I find all kinds of things inspiring(good, bad, ugly, doesn't matter, I'm not picky), but I notice it the most that I'm inspired by my experiences with psychosis and mental illness in general. I love to create something beautiful out of it. I haven't been as psychotic as I have been lately so maybe that's part of it? I might be having to find some other sources of inspiration for now. Thanks for the thought provoking question, because you know of course everyone gives a paragraph answer when they're asked a simple question. Oh boy, I think I'm getting a bit hypomanic again. I cycle fairly fast but I haven't really paid it any attention until now since my pdoc mentioned to me that I was floridly manic last week. I know! I should paint what mania feels like. There we go, problem solved!

I tried an ecig for awhile(I had one of those fancy ones), but it broke and I haven't gone out to get a new one yet. Grrr. I really just want to quit smoking completely, I'm thinking of trying the nicotine patches for awhile just to get out of the habit of smoking and then give up nicotine for good. That's my plan anyway.

Did I kill roll call?

It's Monday, where is everyone?

Funny you say that! I always feel like I kill Roll Call because when I am posting I think I talk too much!

If you can switch to patches its as good as quitting. Apparently the patches are totally non addictive. I know it sounds weird but when the give lab mice pure nicotine they don't get addicted to it. So there are like 4 or 5 components of the smoke itself that contribute to the addictive effect so its the sum total of nicotine plus those. The thing is I was reading this book called smarter and nicotine is supposed to boost cognition by as much as 15% so in and of itself its actually kind of cool as long as you're not addicted. I see its along the lines of caffeine as long as you're not getting actual smoke.

No you didn't killi t. I know how you feel about being extremely blocked. I have that same problem a lot. I was writing a few days ago and now it's gone again. It's so annoying. Also I got a Wacom tablet for Christmas for drawing, and I've only used it like 2 times... and I got a bunch of recording stuff so I can work on my singing, but haven't used it once. I got a bunch of things in the hopes spreading it around would help me, but still just blocked all the time.

Cracking: It sucks that happened to you. It's true what Sometimes says that people are just inconsiderate. You wonder how they were raised. LOL. I have this thing I say: "Other people's children." You know, in an annoyed way. Like who was raised to go snooping around and using other people's coffee mugs? I had a mug stolen from me at work here. It ended up in the break room while I was on maternithy leave and now I've seen a bunch of people with it... but.... I prefer to just not make a big deal of it because it's just a mug.

Oh but in the kitchen at work you're supposed to rinse your dishes and put them into the dishwasher. You're not supposed to leave nasty yucky dirty dishes in th sink. But people do it. Then one day this sign appears above the kitchen sink saying "Please clean up after yourself or stop using the kitchen." Well, someone took offense and ripped it up and threw it in the trash. Everyone was shocked at such a low level of immaturity. But one guy from IT fished it out and taped it back together and hung it up. The next day a new laminated sign appeared. It's like in Motivational Poster style of a dog sweeping up his own poo. And it says "Responsability: You Made the Mess, You Clean it Up." It's been there ever since, but dishes still get left....

Wow okay that makes my idea of switching over to the patches even more appealing. Thanks for the information. I'm glad you've decided to stick around here for at least the time being, your posts are always so informative and you're just a great person in general so...

It sucks doesn't it? It makes me so mad! I've thrown sketchbooks across my room before because I got so frustrated at not being able to come up with anything. It frustrates me so much it makes me feel like a bit of a lunatic sometimes. I feel like I shouldn't get so torn up about it but I'm an artist, it's what I do, and when I'm blocked it feels like a piece of me is missing.

Yeah, I understand completely.

My mood is shifting again. Already? Gah, I got two days of normal and now this againnn??? Why? Gah. I'm so damn frustrated I could scream.

Yup, I understand this one, too.

Seems we paddle a similar boat sometimes, AD.

I've been having a lot of paranoia. For example... on Friday I went to the store in the evening with my 2 year old. As wel left, I was crossing into the parking lot. A big white jeep comes up behind me. I dash across through a parking space and he follows right on my heels. Then as I exit into the lane, another car turned in right then toward me. And another car pulled out of spot on the other side, also toward me. All 3 happen almost exactly at the same time, so I instantly felt like they were after me and trying to block me in, plush I have my baby right there in the buggy. So, I like had an adreneline rush and hurried to get everything into the car right away...

This is just one example recently. It's so hard to keep the mind from going into directions like they did it on purpose and are after me. It's so frustrating to have to deal with thinking that way.

Wow faerie, that seriously sucks!

Yeah we do have some things in common. I remember back when I was fairly new to posting here I felt a connection with you instantly.

So I'm just joining this so sorry if im putting anything out of whack but it seems that I've started hearing a third voice now and its...evil I think. I feel it wants to taunt me unlike the others.

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I'm sorry you're going through that, I feel the same all the time...like everyone is always talking about me and coming after me

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thanks, I'm sorry you feel it, too. That's my paranoia. That people are coming after me to hurt me. It's often not based on anything really, it's just persistant.

You know, I wonder where is Newtus? Are you okay Newtus, if you're reading this? Did you have a pdoc appointment or with your T today maybe?

Also where is Gr3tta, Alonewithmycat, Kurhea, Punky, and everyone else? Everyone is okay? I hope so.

Yes, I've noticed that a lot too. It's actually one reason I rather post here because I feel other people are more similar to me rather than on the other boards. Actually, knowing you have similar things helps me out and I hope it helps you out to know me.

aleej, sorry you have a new voice. did anything happen recently to maybe bring this forward or is it just random? Don't be sorry about posting. That's what roll call is for.

It totally does, it's nice to not be alone in this ****!

i had to go grocery shopping again. nervewrecking. and this time i got a double espresso at starbucks. im hyped. almost manic like.

No I need my account deleted because I don't remember what I say on this site so I get paranoid but I'll make a new account.

my eyes are real paranoid like. im like 0_0

I get that paranoid expression too.

I finally told my mom and my T about a traumatic experience I had 3 years ago and that's all I can think of that would trigger it. Like I'm being punished for being honest now which is probably what I deserve but still. My paranoia and stress is out of control, I just don't wanna get out of bed lately

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whats everyone doing tonight?

Not drinking...I live close to a lot of Irish bars so I was walking home tonight like a celebrity...everyone had to know if I was Irish or what because of the red hair...I'm sure they had been drinking since noon so I probably looked exceptionally good