Roll Call 20

i feel like im having an anxiety attack or panic attack

that was definitely a panic attack. thats so weird i havent had a real panic attack in a long time. it just came over me out of nowhere. everything was like tunnel vision for a few minutes and my heart rate went up and i couldnt breathe and was panicking.

god that was awful...

I started having those the first time I tried to get off an AP by cutting the dose in half they clearly have some anti-anxiety properties have you gone further down or off you haldol completely? If so you might want to taper more slowly...

ive missed tons of my AP continuously. so its like im off it. thats how much ive missed. i always seem to remember to take my xanax though. theres something different about that med than any other med. i need to take my 2mg more.

Yeah it's addictive where none of the other ones are so it's more like smoking or caffeine...

God I just had this horrible vision of the future where they add a benzo directly to your AP so you would intentionally get addicted and keep taking your meds...I can totally see some thing like that happening

I can see them adding in an un-fun addictive substance, along the lines of nicotine, but not anything you could get a potential "fun" "high" type of feeling from. Too much potential for further non-compliance with abuse, trading, and sales. There would have to be some way to combat increased tolerance to the addictive part, too. No way to make it match any potential increased tolerence to the drug.
Interesting idea. (Not that I'm endorsing it)

Yeah I started thinking about it more as in why hasn't this been suggested and I think it's because people would scale up and take more of the drug and more of the ap along with it and then run out at the end of the month and go through withdrawal. The problem is like you said you build up tolerance even to the unfun substances like nicotine so there would always be this tendency to want to increase the dose. Yeah it was just one of those creepy random things I wouldn't put past the drug companies and pdocs but with AOT becoming more common they don't even need to be coercive anymore they can just use force irl like they would in the hospital...

I'm really tired at work now because I didn't get enough sleep today. I feel so awful and I can't focus on my math hw. I get out at 7 today, but my bosses told everyone last minute that we have a meeting today which means I can't go to bed until 1pm today and I work again tonight. I wish they planned things better, I feel a break down coming on from being over worked and tired.

I feel like I would be healthier if I was just a college student and worked part time. It sucks how I have unsupportive parents so I have to take care of myself. I feel bad for my siblings because they're still stuck in a terrible situation while I escaped. They have depression and they don't get any support so I always worry about them acting on their illness.

cant sleep.......woke up from a nightmare.......running out of cigs

Try reading a book to help you relax

Hey Erti, how come you're up so late?

That's kind of how I felt when I was younger with my younger siblings when I went home from my dads. They were abusive and neglective. I would come home after a week there with ratted hair and have missing clothing. They use to lock us in a bedroom all day without any food. My brother and I manage to picked the lock one night and we snuck into the kitchen and ate some bread we found. I hated being at my dads. For some reason I rather of been home where my mom's boyfriend at the time was sexually abusing me and raping me. At least I wasn't locked in a room all day without food. Hell I remember when my sister and I were younger and we'd eat old leftover food that was left out and drinking pop with cigs butts in them and god who knows what else was in them.

Irregular sleep I guess lol. I'm alright though.

im up early but may go back to bed

Hopefully you're in a better situation now. My family had DSS involved with us for years, but now they're just emotionally abusive and neglectful. I'm glad they don't beat my siblings anymore, I couldn't stand it.

Well that's good. Without xanax I would wake up all the time during the night (now day since I work 3rd shift) and not sleep very much.

Yeah, I'm in a better situation. I'm now 24 years old now so I'm an adult and they can't really do that **** no more. Mom has longed broke up with her ex boyfriend. My siblings from my dad's side is all grown up. My youngest sister (from my moms side) is now 12. Mom can be emotionally abusive at times but she has improved on that a lot.

I took my AP but for some reason it hasn't lasted through the night. I feel wide awake lol.

That's good to here. It sucks growing up in a bad situation and for me it never improved until my boyfriend took me in. I still have really bad PTSD and idk how to get rid of it. I still get random rage and sadness about old situation from my subconscious. I think when I get my degree and my own home it will get better.

I can understand the PTSD part. I was diagnosed with it because of the sexual abuse I went through (having vivid nightmares and having triggers). My boyfriend family took me in at one point too because of how my mom was and my mental health was in shambles. Now that I'm more "stabilized" I moved back in with my mom. Her and I haven't even argued since I've been back. It's good that you're working towards a degree and living out on your own. So far I haven't made much an effort to do so.

That's okay everyone has their own pace in life. It took my 4 years to figure out what I wanted to be in college and I'm glad I'm on the right path now.

Thanks! Sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I guess you're right.

I failed two years of college, but now I'm getting As. It took me awhile to get on my feet; no one i s perfect