Roll Call 25

your right junkdna. i just never know what to say. its like i have a lot to say in my mind but when i get there my mind goes blank

i understand that completely. ive had sessions where i can think all i want to say but i cant say it. so i started to journal and let my T read it. then we processed it together. its like writing down what u want to say and it makes it easier to talk about and less scary

I'm the same way newtus. Though for me I just interpreted that I'm not ready for therapy.

maybe i should make a journal but before ANYTHING i need to make sure i can still see her

i calmed down a little with some xanax

I was in psychosis and hearing voices the first time I seen a therapist telling him that he was reading my mind and he said "Ya you need meds..". But with my current psychologist (First therapist wasn't a psychologist), he is ok with the messed up stuff that I say such as suicide, homicidal thoughts towards certain people, substance abuse, etc because he's good and provides good answers I guess idk.

I thought before, after we suggested you ask her for coping skills for your anxiety, that you told her that's what you wanted to work on, but she wouldn't do it??

So you've changed your mind about that then?

IMO it sounds like you want a mother figure (especially the bit about candy) or a friend?

Newtus: "I feel suicidal"
T: Calls cops and gets you admitted to hospital

Doesn't sound laid back to me at all... There ARE better Ts out there Newtus and you DESERVE one of those!

*Willow*

Yeah she doesn't seem look she's laid back at all. I told my pdoc that I was feeling suicidal and wanted to blow my brains out and she didn't call the police on me. All she asked me is if I had accesses to guns which I don't and that was the end of that.

**** tornado warning in my area... There goes those dreaded tornado sirens.

i never asked her...


if she wants to be in contact with my pdoc as one of those rules thats fine. i didnt want her to originally just because i didnt want her to.


lol. i wont lie im kinda attached to her as a mother figure (transference i know) but i see her as a therapist too.ive always been like that with therapists who were women tho. even those who werent therapists. ive been that way about staff at hospitals.

thing is she DOES know how to deal with people with my diagnosis and im sick of therapists who dont deal with my diagnosis. plus i dont have many options for therapists out where i live and shes part of a system that i actually liked BUT the reason i didnt like it either was because the nurse and doctor were over prescribing me. but i liked the system of things.

i gues shes not laid back at all. but i did like her. shes been the nicest therapist out there and the only one that knows how to deal with my diagnosis which is a major thing for me. this new therapist just told me he doesnt deal with severe mental illness.

some people are tellnig me to go back. some are telling me not go back.

i tried to masturbate but this haldol has killed my libido. an hour into it and i got nothin still.

At this point I would go find out what the demands are in this contract---you don't seem to want to let the relationship go----however I agree that this T is not actually providing therapy....they tend to call this befriending rather than therapy. I also agree that its a bad idea but at this point I think you need to find it out the hard way in order to be satisfied...

i dont understand...find out the hard way? whats the hard way?

I would disagree. I can't think of anything that you've said that she's done that has been therapeutic.



I know that must be confusing for you. I think people want you to have a T, and they know that it will be difficult to stop seeing a T that you're clearly attached to, but that's not always a good enough reason to keep seeing them. At the end of the day, whatever we say, you have to do what you think is best.

I agree. But Newtus, we will be here for you regardless of whether you go or not, or what happens down the line, whatever your decision

*Willow*

thank you for being there for me.

i just dont understand what this hard way is? whats the hard way i would find out?

if i get to see her again maybe i should make myself take a different approach to therapy. like talking more and opening up more idk?

idk i THOUGHT she knew how to deal with my diagnosis she deals with the most worst people in the system.

but ive always never talked in therapy since ive had it in my teens

she let me look through all her drawers and cabinets and said it was ok

i calmed down for awhile but im back to being a nervous wreck

Newtus I hope things go better for you just try to relax.I don't honestly think with all of these mixed up emotions about this T that it's a good idea to go see her. How are you going to open up and talk to her if you're so afraid of her sending you back to the hospital? I think that's what Sp meant by learning the hard way? If you are so paranoid about her sending the police after you or being put back in a hospital it might be a bad idea...plus with all those mixed up feelings you have for her it might make things very hard on you trying to form a good Patient to Therapist relationship. But regardless of what I think, You really need to do what YOU think is best for you. Remember to base your decision on past experiences and what you really feel deep down is the best thing for you. And remember if it doesn't go well you don't have to keep seeing her.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow...Hoping the appointment goes well! How is everyone doing tonight?
I had a good day. I got to go out to a nice dinner with my Fiancé it was very sweet

I'm Ok...tired though...you sound like you're doing a lot better and enjoying your freedom

Oh I am,Even though that place was terrible it did give me a sort of reality check so maybe I needed the stay there after all?...And now that I have been taking the medicine regularly I do feel a little better in some ways also.

Being there also made me realize that I need to straighten myself up I want to be the best I can be so I can't ever let something like this happen to me ever again. Someday I want to have children with my Fiancé so I need to stay on a healthy path for myself and for him and our future together.