Roll Call 25

theyll prob make me see a doctor at that community clinic again to get injections

Injections aren't all bad newtus, means you don't have to think about taking tablets everyday. I'm on injection and I prefer it

IDK.
Maybe go back to injections, just not so high. You at least will feel better on the lower injection than you have felt for the past 6 months.

Tell them the last time was too high and you are willing to do them at a lower dose.

One less thing you have to worry about and remember.

Hellooo everyone how are you all doing today? I am doing good I see my psychiatrist on Thursday.
I have been taking my medicine and have been having a calm and relaxing day so far.

I think its a good idea for your dad to be there. Maybe it will help if you misunderstand something she says... he can help you put it in the right perspective.

And I guess it depends on what the agreement says. Just remember... it might be worth it to at least try it out? Then if it becomes impossible, you can always change your mind and let yourself be dismissed. Giving it a try won't hurt anything.

And if that is part of the agreement, then give it another try. Remember.. it may not be so bad.

You switched to her from the clinic and liked her.
She was your only T away from the clinic. If you feel that you really like her still, go to the appointment and hear what she has to say. You havnt been seeing her for very long and she does not know you well yet so yes, you scared her when you talked the way you did when you were mad at her.

Listen to her concerns, apologize and see where you go from there. It may be a simple thing of an apology to her for your behavior.

If you want to, this relationship with your T can be saved. But if you get in there on thursday and listen and dont like how it sounds, then move on.

I guess your choices are:

Stay with this new T and follow the rules she makes.
or
Go back to the clinic and see a T there.

the T WAS at the clinic.
ive been seeing her for a year

getting drunk tonight. cant handle this anxiety and depression...

I'm going to build my vocabulary like crazy to help organize my thinking every time I get that rare burst of motivation. I think its a good idea idk.. damn i forgot what I was going to say.. anyways.. ya forgot again..

I will improve but I need to reorganize my room before I can do anything..

I am normally-not-normal. - Quote that I just made up.

ZehR that reminds me of last time I was manic and hospitalized... I declared myself an "impatient inpatient" and laughed like it was the best joke in the entire world.

@ TheatreKid, I made a post explaining how I'm ok but erased it. Basically, (Erased again)... more simplified is.. 5mg of Abilify is not enough and I try not to take risperidone 2mg PRN. It will be increased later.

..I posted my 5ifty fIr5t post somewhere else so I don't curse everyone.

So I was going through some papers of mine and found this one I wrote a year back when I was in more of a unstable mood.I was going through a very dark time when written.if anyone wants to check it out I will post it below.I used to want to write stories and poetry once.re-reading this kind of makes me want to get back into writing.

My mind is a flood behind the closed doors of my inner nightmare.I hide the monster that was created for me by the uncaring and cruel world surrounding me.intrusion into the depths of solitude I find myself asleep at the wheel of my sanity and all I can do is laugh as I drive over the cliff and crash into yet another downfall.my face displays the falsification of my state of mind I fear for the world if the monster I have sealed deep within me is ever revealed.the darkness running through my veins drips wet from my fingertips like deep blackened blood spilling from my mouth the words like maggots jumbled up by the incoherence and deception within my mind this paranoia runs deep like an iron blade splitting deep within these my abilities to fight it and to trust I crawl through the festering wound the dark hole of empty promises and voices that never end leaving unseen scars and screaming unheard screams unheard by the outside world but only heard and contained within me.the whip of their venom laced tongues cracks against my back lashing deep into the bone.pieces of the puzzle of my sanity falling away bit by bit this is not the end this is not the beginning this is the present and all things are frozen within this time and all things are tainted by the perception of my mind and its never ending nightmares.

i cant sleep over this agreement plan

cant sleep and im F_CKING dying OVER this

Sorry.
I was thinling of the new T you started to see when you got off injections.

Im sorry your struggling Newtus. (hug)

punky

i had a bad day yesterday. but i made it through it. i called out of work. feeling a bit better today. ive been isolating a lot and feel like i dont want to be around people. im stressed and overwhelmed by things that need to be taken care of. i just dont want to do anything. i think im depressed. but at least i know and can say to myself that it will pass. i will feel good again.

im so scared over this agreement plan "rules"

I've met up with an internet friend. We're having drinks in the sun it's lovely.

Junk: I hate being overwhelmed anddepressed.

Newtus: sounds like a thought loop to me, lots of anxiety and stuck on it and it's disruptive. The only thing you can do is go in Thursday and keep a mantra in your head to stay calm... maybe something like... "All will be well," I don't know, something meaningvul to you.

Lilly: I'm a writer, too. It comes adn goes. Mostly goes, unfortunately... it's frustrating.

Hello to the new people.

Sorry I'm not on so much recently. My paranoia is way less but my mind is so fractured. I can't seem to stay focused.

Newtus: check this out

www.welivewithsz.com

I'll explain more about this later. I'm at work right now.

What is the worst thing you can imagine about the rules? What are you most afraid of?

that theyll either make me sign something that incrimates me or puts my name in a system of people with homicidal tendencies

or they make me see a doctor there. because i already JUST established a relationship with my new one. i dont want to switch but if i have to i dont want to be on high injections anymore just low.

Ok... your concerns are valid. Here's what I think:

Most people, with and without sz, have at one time or another had homicidal thoughts. But that's all they are. Thoughts and fantasies. As far as I know, its not like you carry a knife or gun with you in order to follow through on your thoughts/fantasies. That's all they are. Thoughts.

As for injections... negotiate it out. If that is part of the agreement, say "I want to start on a low dose and see how it goes". Remember Newt us, you cannot be forced to do anything. The worst they can do (and they have been clear about it) is that you won't be able to see this therapist. You are aren't going to be hospitalized for refusing to sign. Just don't make any threats at all.

If it turns out that you don't want to sign... then you will just walk away and then have to find other treatment provider.

Be ok

ok :/ you make a good point. im just so nervous because i dont want to sign something that ensures that i goto the hospital once a month or get randomly tested or get high injections or IDK