[FireBird]

I know I just posted about this a few days ago that the delusions went away and I was happy. I am still happy. But some of the "delusions" are back. I know I didn't kill all those people so that one about killing 350,000 people with my dreams is not back. It is the one about the aliens. This time around is slightly different. I have these thoughts and they are not audible as in voices that tell me that they will invade Earth soon. At first I was scared to tell anyone but I know I need help. I am not suicidal and that is great news. I have big plans for the world with my art and my business. Another thing the aliens or creatures tell me is that I am the chosen one. I don't know what that really means. The chosen one for what? To be the next God? or to be the target of the alien beings? I have no clue. I had the thought insertion all night long and it of course was annoying. Almost as annoying as my brother. I guess the device in my head never went away but it was not activated at that moment. Now it is re-activated. This is how they send their thoughts into my head. I thought for awhile that this is impossible and everything is great but this is real. I can't figure out why I am targeted. I am scared. I have also started freezing in one position again but its not long enough to be catatonia. At least I don't think so. But it is not a seizure either. I'm just weird I guess. I talked to my psychiatrist and he said give it to Monday to see if the symptoms are really back or this is just a short term thing. I pray to god that this is just a quick thing and not that all the bad stuff is back. I do not want to go back to the hospital. If I don't go, that means that it is an entire year that went by without going in overnight. There was a couple of close calls this year when I was very depressed and suicidal. I am almost manic now even though I am not bipolar. I feel for the first time in my life that things are starting to go right with my art. I am a wildlife artist and I do paintings and drawings. I have a website but it isn't up yet. I know all this sounds weird but I need help. Oh what do I do now?

[Itadakimasu]

All I can do is offer you my condolances. I am terrible when it comes to advice, and I don't think I'm really in a position at the moment to give you anything worth thinking about [my psychiatrist is telling me they think I'm psychotic].

You should be proud of your art, and you should be proud of the fact thats it's been a year since you were in a hospital. You are not suicidal! You're questioning whats happening right now, and you're looking for help. I'd say thats a good thing.

But you're scared. It can be hard to listen to people saying "get over it" or "it's not real" when it feels so real and all you can do is know that it's real, even if no one believes you. Maybe you could start questioning the aliens motives? Why would they stalk you, and what are they going to do, except be annoying and strange? Hopefully, it is just a short term thing.

Many good wishes to you, hope you feel better.

[longnow]

Firebird, I have the feeling that all this was temporary but you sure
did crab me with your descriptions. I have been there I know something
about whats going on. My delusions were just as terrorizing they
happened over a period of months and they almost killed me.
Things get crazy around the holidays and even though delusions
are not happening I think i am only now recovering. I hope you are too.

I've found some pretty good stuff on the internet. There should be
a program for people who need to ground themselves during difficult
times. Anyway, it would be difficult to implement but with a little
2 way feedback it could be done. Then again thats what people
are for. Here is a little thing thats been making it's way
around the internet. Enjoy.

http://metasphere.org/

[pachyderm]

> Another thing the aliens or creatures tell me is that I am the chosen one.

I do not think that thoughts like this are all that strange, although when you feel they are coming from aliens, I think that is mistaken. They are thoughts originating from somewhere in your past, I would guess. And being the "chosen one" only means you think you have something to contribute to the world that it does not have, and needs. For sure the world needs a lot of help! You may really have some insights but I think you should study them and make sure what they are, before you start to express them widely.

FWIW.

[FireBird]

I have some good news and some bad news. The thoughts about the aliens are gone! I no longer believe in them. That was just a delusion. But bad news follows. Now they tell me that I committed crimes all over the country and I don't believe them. What is scary about this is that the government still tells me that they have the evidence. They also tell me that they will do everything in their power to "eliminate" me. There are hidden cameras everywhere and they told me that they implanted something in me. It acts as a tracking device and something that can send my thoughts to them. Every time that I have an "evil" thought, it will be used against me. There was a two week period that I didn't believe anything weird. But its back and I am scared. Everyone is out to get me! I hope this is just as short as believing in the aliens. My "episodes" don't usually last all that long. The longest episode was when I thought my dreams actually killed people and influenced disasters all over the world. That lasted over a year.

[pachyderm]

> Every time that I have an "evil" thought, it will be used against me.

Is there someone in your past life that would actually do this to you?

[BalishBun]

Do you think your psychiatrist is a help or no?

[longnow]

Thinking that groups of people could read my thoughts particularly
my bad, evil thoughts was a big part of my delusions. "They" would
probe and question until the thought I was trying to hide spilled
out inside my head in front of "everyone". This is a just like
the aliens except now you are a criminal and the govn't
is after you. You will wake up from this the same way.

In my brief experience as the manic energy runs out the
delusions get more threatening. I went through
my 40 days of elation followed by 40 nights of
life threatening paranoia and it has never returned.
I didn't have anyone around me and my therapists
might as well have non-existent. So when it was over
I told them thanks for nothing and fired them.

I hope that you are getting sleep.

I hope that your family is looking out.

[FireBird]

What's sleep? Lately I have been getting insomnia. It is annoying. It is because I have been getting more depressed lately. Also, I have very little appetite which is a good thing for me and I hope it continues.

I used to, and still do, get paranoid a lot about a lot of things. Sometimes I think that people can see me through the TV. I also believed that aliens were after me and they were trying to communicate with me somehow. When I walk around I feel like everyone is watching and talking about me and there are cars that seem like they follow me and do surveillance on me, I hate the feelings and I know that they are irrational but still I have a bad feeling in the back of my mind that its true and the feeling wont go away. I havent been diagnosed with anything yet except Depression but Im pretty sure I have some type of psychosis because those feelings are not normal. Just a lot of weird thoughts like you had, I dont take any medication though.

[FireBird]

My thoughts are now dangerous. They tell me to stop taking the pills due to the fact that they will release a deadly toxin into my body, slowly killing me. It is not a quick death, but rather a slow painful one. I am scared. They also tell me that each pill contains a tracking device and it will dissolve after 24 hours so they need me to take it to kill me slowly AND track me. My protector thoughts are telling me the only way of not being tracked is not to take the pills. I am confused. I don't know what to do. I am starting to think of self harm again (not total suicide though) on top of these dangerous thoughts. I am having visions of going back to the mental hospital and they will inject me instead of pills because I will refuse to take them. Everyone is in on the plot to kill me.

[BalishBun]

can you override those thoughts that are telling you not to take your medicine? Are you able to sort out whats real one day and not the next? What are the pills your taking?

[FireBird]

I am taking Geodon ( I know this one does NOT cause weight gain) Invega and Zoloft. I think I know what reality is. At least I hope.

[BalishBun]

Do you think maybe the Geodon is too small of a dose or maybe you need to try something else? I dont have sciz, but I met someone once who did have it that stayed at the hotel I worked at. I want to help, so if you ever need to get some of those thoughts off of your head feel free to voice it here.

[BalishBun]

You said your website isnt up yet? I would love to see it.

[longnow]

Hi Firebird,
The reason i asked about sleep is because when sleep goes away,
like it did with me, manic energy replaced it. I went w/o sleep
for many nights and thought nothing of it. Big mistake.
With help from the p-doc(the only help) I got more sleep and the delusion
lost steam. Less sleep=more mania. More sleep=less mania & less time in delusion.
As the mania ran out it was replaced by paranoia.
Less mania=more paranoia.

Lack of sleep, for me, was more than annoying.
Towards the end my mind was turning against itself
to the point where I almost scared myself to death.
The scenarios kept shifting and each one was more
hopeless than the last. It was just me tricking myself
into killing myself.

Can a person in delusion be tricked or guided out safely?
I think in rare cases it can happen. But it's close to
impossible.

[curiousone]

Hi Firebird
I understand what your going through. Your mind is telling you not to do something that will actually help you infact. But if you think about it logically ( and I'm not trying to be condescending or insulting) it's not really realistic that a phychiatrist would give you anything to harm you. They are more there to help you than harm you. Your thoughts are out of touch with reality. They may seem very real to you, but you have to see that that is not the actual truth. I really think that you should go see your doctor or phychiatrist and tell them what you are going through so that they can help you. If you are on meds let him know that you are having symptoms of phychosis, therefore he can adjust your meds to a higher dose or even possibly switch medications. Dont let the thoughts scare you from going to see the doctor. The sooner you get help the sooner you should be able to get better. I really hope that this will help you in some way

[FireBird]

I have some good news. At least I am sleeping again. But I am sleeping for long periods of time. I am talking about more than 12 hours. It depends on the day on how much sleep I get. Sometimes it is hypersomnia, and other times its insomnia. How exciting. Still depressed. I have to see if I can last until Friday. Reason? That is when I see my psychologist. I must tell her what is going on. My mom just had surgery and I think she is getting sick. That adds to my depression.

[BalishBun]

at least you have some good news, Just keep trying to think of the good news.

[longnow]

Glad to hear it. Sleep is the answer. Natural sleep is even better.
Got to go get some.