Roll Call 41

so you all know i cant sleep.
well when i do get an hour here or there i get these horrible nightmares.
oh man

Maybe they'll get better after school starts newtus!

Why are u out of ambien so early?

i always ask my dad to not drink or make him promise me in real life...and i just keep having these dreams about him breaking his promise and drinking to the point of almost death.

my dad drinking has been a big stressor in my life the past few years. even in my teens too but as some of you know my dad had a stroke a few years ago that involved alcohol. his blood/alcohol level was .46 and .5 is death. it was bad. a medical helicopter had to take him to a city hospital. and then he had one a year later.

omg
im crying bad right now because im remembering everything and these nightmares seem so real and i think hes going to die. and i try to wake up from them and i cant. my body wont wake up.

i cant take my medicine because i have to do school today.
im just going to take a xanax right now.
but that haldol will make me sleep all day and i have like a handful of assignments to do.

my emotional and mental state is completely unexpected right now.

i see my psychiatrist every 3 months.
he only gives me 30 pills. that only enough for 1 month.
i try to take it only when i really need it but i am an insomniac i actually need it every single day.

I slept over at my mum's house last night. Well, actually I didn't fall asleep. I tried my hardest but then the voices started whispering in my ear. One of them was the voice of God. The others I haven't got a clue about. People keep wandering around near my flat. I'm afraid that if I go outside they'll come and get me. I know people are out to get me.

Yeah, I would talk to him about getting it for daily use. I'm on trazadone and visteral for sleep. I know you've been on trazadone before. Why not think about going back on that?

wow newtus im soooo sorry

Oh man. I hate not sleeping. It makes my symptoms worse too. Sorry u can't sleep.

Maybe u could talk to your pdoc about getting something for sleep for now?

today is one of the best days throughout all of this stuff going on im very happy 2day

i actually am prescribed trazodone too. but it makes me feel high. it gives me this buzz in my body and mind and makes me unable to stay asleep because of the physical symptoms it gives me. it makes my body feel heavy like a paper weight. the last few times i took it i had panic attacks on it.

thats part of the reason why i dont like meds because when they give my body these physical symptoms that are alien to me or alter my mind i start to panic extremely bad. thats why i quit smoking MJ.

xanax has been the only medicine that ive truly liked because the physical symptoms it gives me is extreme calmness. and thats what i ultimately need it my life is calmness.

I can't trust my pdoc. I swear she's in on it. She's sent people out to patrol outside of the flat. My every move is being monitored. Why, I wish I knew. Besides that I won't see her until after Christmas. Though I plan on kicking her out of the flat.

That must be really hard to deal with. That's an incredibly high blood alcohol level, WOW! Is he drinking a lot lately?

Hmmm...trazadone just puts me to sleep. I'm on a pretty high dose too. Well how about taking some haldol at night? I know you don't want to be on it, but just try taking some maybe?

lately hes been drinking very little but i dont really want him to at all. when we went to my aunts funeral couple weeks ago he got really drunk or something. idk he claimed someone spiked his soda. but it was bad. we were at my uncles house and he was stumbling everywhere. it took two people to walk him to the bathroom where he accidently peed in his clothes.

ugh my dads 68. i dont want this to happen to him anymore

maybe ill try the haldol tonight but i cant right now because thatll ruin my whole day and i have to do school today.

whats your dosage of trazodone? im given 150mg

Hi everybody! Just back from the dentist after a root canal. Head hurts going to sleep it off. Head is less fuzzy today though and it's nearly Christmas Hope you're all well.

I'm on 300mgs. And 50mgs of visteral.

oh. yea thats double mine. but even if i take less i still feel that dizziness and buzz in my mind and body.

Just finished a conference call---my first one ever, it wasn't terrible but I am still shaking----ugh so glad it's over.

Gosh Sometimes what was the call about, why were you so nervous about it?

I just woke up, lol. I got up at like 6 this morning, had coffee and all that good stuff... then I went back to bed and slept until past noon. I guess I needed the rest I've been sleeping like utter crap these days.

So I get to review abstracts for a national conference and the call was to discuss outliers which I often graded too nicely. But its basically a bunch of important people in the field and we're talking about 30 abstracts that took a couple of days to rate. So its complicated science talk with important people----

Im sure you did fine so maybe you wont be nervous next time

i talked to my sister about my nightmares and panic attacks and crying and stuff. shes a licensed social worker. she says it sounds like post traumatic stress from experiencing the past events of my dad.

i remember...well i dont remember if it was the first or second time he had a stroke but one of those times when i found my dad face down on the floor with his head cracked open at the skin and blood pouring out. i called my sister and was screaming at the top of my lungs scared and crying. i called 911 and they told me to put like a towel around the wound. (he was passed out) and i just remember taking off my brand new plain white shirt and i was in my bra and just wrapping it around his head to stop the bleeding.
my new white shirt was just drenched in blood.

i just wanna burst into tears right now but im so scared to...