Roll Call 41

all

I woke up at 3am & couldn't sleep, was up for 30 mins and had a cigarette & my voices were fairly loud... managed to get back to sleep until 6am though but far from the best nights sleep.

Lol I ended up sleeping all day again. Now I'm determine to stay up all day. I can do this!

It didn't affect my weight loss yay!

I foresee caffeine in this equation...

Good luck...

I ended up napping for an hour at 10am this morning but I didn't sleep amazing, so no biggy.

Lol yes! I already drank a can of pop not too long ago. I'm trying to limit my pop intake though. I like to keep this weight off. Though, I haven't been eating much so I'm not too worried.

i keep wanting to get my nose pierced in the same place again. i just cant let it go. i want it so bad yet at the same time im like "maybe. maybe not". i want it like 75% bad

I don't see the problem of getting it pierced again if it's something you really want to do.

I saw my care coordinator today. She said she's proud of me for managing to fight off the urges to SI. But at the same time she doesn't like the fact that I've been skipping meals. I won't see her again until after Christmas. So I'm free from care coordinators. I think it's a wonderful thing not having her checking up on me so often. It does get annoying. And another plus side. God speaks to me. His voice is so comforting to me.

im gonna see if i cant get it pierced before my sisters wedding

I'm so anxious, I'm freaking out.

UGGGGGGGG im soooooo stressed soooooo bad right now about my best friends living situation and i really dont want them 2 move;( OMG my bffs bro juast came and said that they probably have a place in town<333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 but i had really bad symptoms that were scream and scream calling me really bad names and i was in basketball practice and my 6 ft shadow became 7 ft i was sitting on the ground with my hands on my hears almost crying while looking at the now 7 ft shadow and then a staff member from school finally came and took me in her office (while practice was still going on) and tried to get me calm and put on my 2 fav song let her go passenger and i love you this big scotty McCreery i had a still have the WORST headache EVER! my principal came and tried to talk 2 me and Mrs.Spytko suggested to call my mom and i was really dizzy and she helped me down 2 the locker room and i got dressed and i walked home while practice was still going on! but i got home ate a little piece of a grinder and i ate like a half a jar of cookies and cream frosting

yeah i had mine done twice but i always had 2 take it out but go ahead its worth it

i lov elephants

I like elephants too.

Me three!

The big day is almost here, tomorrow I take my ged test. Lets hope I pass it.
I have been having issues where in public everything just phases out and I start hearing or seeing things more rapidly and It will happen out of the blue I will just be sitting there then I start to feel like I am not here and almost like a dream state and things will seem overly weird to me I will be paranoid and think everyones looking at me or hates me or something and I will see people talking and clearly hear them talking about me negatively or for instance there was this light on the ceiling in the school it kept flickering so I was pretending I could control it mentally by making it come on and off just for fun but then I actually started to believe I could and then I started looking around and noticed people were looking at me funny and I was worried they knew what I was thinking. Is this some sort of psychosis? because this is different than the usual voices or visual hallucinations that come and go that I normally have. these are a little more intense and last longer. usually if I experience paranoia which can last up to a few days its usually not as strong as the kind I have been experiencing lately. I cant really explain it I just think it has to do with me still not being fully mentally adjusted to being out in public more than I used to be.

Good luck Lillybird.

yesterday was bad. i was really suicidal. my coach called my mom. my mom stayed here with me last night. to keep me safe. i got really upset bc i am paranoid and tired of this happening. i feel bad for making t and coach and my mom worry. mymom is still here. we are going to see if i can get my shot today

ive been having an increase in visual hallucinations

I'm officially off my depot.

i stayed at my moms house last night and was having extremely bad anxiety. it was so bad i threw up.

ive been having *Sui* thoughts too. some here have said its because im mourning. but i was having extreme *Sui* thoughts and self harm actions before all these events happened.

also more events are happening with me. so you all know about my aunt right. well yea. but now i learned my grandma (on my other side of my family) is being kicked out of her house. shes 85 i think or 87. somewhere close to that. so one of my cousins grandma died (who isnt related to me by blood) and it scared my grandma because they were about the same age and shes staying with one of my aunts now.

also ive been reading this schizoaffective group on facebook and theres quite a bit of people on there saying they goto the hospital sometimes just because they dont feel quite right or for anxiety or something along the lines of that. and i just dont understand...? because i go through medium to extreme episodes about every other day and im not putting myself in the hospital?

I've never been to the hospital. But I'll tell you there are times when the intensity of everything in my head and my episodes happening that I think maybe I should go. Then I remember it will cost me around $8,000. So I just ride it out as best I can.

Because I tell you when you know you need help but there isn't any help, it's scary. And really lonely.

And I can tell you there were times when my MIL would go to the hospital voluntarily many years ago. She would decide she was too bad and we'd take her to the ER and they would hold her. Only once did she actually get admitted for over a week. But she says its not a place you like going but in those times she needed to go so she did.

I think they must go to much nicer hospitals and may perhaps not be the ones paying....ie its nice to have parents for that....

Hi sometimes! how are you?