roll call 43

I had some anxiety this morning. Then some suicidal planning. Then I was able to snap out of it after I had my coffee. So far I don't feel like im going to have another panic attack tonight.

Since I feel mostly myself I asked a girl out on a date. I just hope I can get my mind off mental illness. I'm always self monitoring because my health is so terrible and effects me everyday. I'd rather be untreated for my schizophrenia than have these chronic panic attacks. Last time I had a long string of them I remember waking up feeling great one miraculous morning and the only thing that was on my mind was whether I should get a gun before another panic attack sets in. Last nights lasted 5 hours. My coping mechanisms helped a ton, and I took two klonopins, but they took forever to work. One of my coping mechanisms is to tell my mother greek myths or stories from the books I've read. I told the story of the Iliad, the Odyssey and a myth in Plato's Symposium until the Klonopin set in.

The good news is is that it's 5pm, which is when either my depression or my panic attack would begin to start. Neither have set in so I believe it's going to be a nice night. A nice night with a nice girl. We will be having pizza if she calls me back. I could use a few drinks after last night. I'll have to think of a few topics so conversation never dips into what I really think about all the time, my health.

im really sick. with this cold.

and ive been hearing ghosts in my house the past two days.
i thought that was over with for awhile. but its not...

man i just effing realized that i got an effing flu shot last month. even tho i dont have the flu its like it wasnt even worth it. i shouldve known. god. this is BS.

i have so much anxiety from being sick right now. its really bad but i didnt really want to take a xanax right now cuz ill just end up going to bed early cuz itll make me sleepy but i feel like my heart is gonna jump through the spaces in my rib cage or im gonna throw my heart and stomach up.

You most likely have a few side effects from the vaccine if it was recent like coughing or a fever is possible. You can't get sick from the vaccine because it is an inactive vaccination that contains dead influenza viruses. Each year they only do certain strains though because there are many strains of influenza so you could potential get a different strain than the ones you were vaccinated for. I wouldn't worry about it and if it was a virus affecting you you'd just have to wait it out so staying hydrated would be key.

I'm okay, hallucinating a bit. I cleaned up my apartment, made tea for my bf and I, and we watched a movie together so not bad.

My dentist did not mention that my teeth that got filled could be sensitive for weeks or even months (just researched it), they hurt pretty bad and I can't take a NSAID due to taking my stomach meds.

So here is my update.. I've conquered my schizophrenia. I realized that it is my mind, and to cure myself all I needed to do was grow some balls and command my mind.. Had to take control. The voices listen to me now and I make them silent, and they only talk when i focus onto them to talk. My old hallucinations are no longer just hallucinations but actual images I can make others see and experience. I call it sorcery. I was a sorcerer long before I was diagnosed with sz. My magic they called hallucinations but the trick is to call them real, and once you name them s being real and other can see then they become that. Welcome to my world. I do not indulge in paranoia anymore either. I am not afraid of the old torments and tortures i used to endure. I had a while ago my voices and beings try to re-conjure the states of hell i was in and use my fear against me. I said bring it on biitches and let them try. See they can not anymore hurt me, though they could at one time. I can control my mind and my power and it is not their but mine.. For awhile they had almost total control of all the power I had gained in my life as a sorcerer, and that i plenty, but not anymore. They do not even really try. I get some of my old thoughts that would brig about psychosis and I counter act them with a positive thought and state my command that this thought (bad one) is not inactive and does not manifest. I counter spell them and say that condition lessens more and more until it vanishes. See the illness was in my mind, and to overcome it all you need to do is develop solutions, building new pathways instead of pursuing the old troublesome ways. Building and remaking old pathways is the key. So overall I doing quite well. I started my own business and in a few months will have money rolling in, and I just met a new girlfriend who seems like she was made just for me in every way. She is beautiful, and has all the same beliefs and interests as myself, and she has all the right sweet, 'candy-like', words and actions to boot! I am quite happy.

They said the flu vaccine might not work this year.

SometimesP told me they missed off a major strain in the flu vaccine, so yeah... seems so.

It's all placebo..

"Reality is an illusion"-Albert Einstein

If you believe you will get ill, if you give that form to power, if you sow that seed in the fertile fields of creation then so too will you reap it. Personally I have't gotten sick in many many years, and do not give power to it. God said do not trust the evil ways and give them power, and so I listen to those words of wisdom. I do not take any shots either.

all quiet here, had a day yesterday where the voices tried, but were denied.

I've read in a few places that people with schizophrenia catch less colds. Their immune system is stronger.

I'm going to slightly increase my Lexapro, ever so slightly. I'm feeling great this morning. I really am. I haven't felt this good in a long while. I made myself some breakfast and coffee earlier. My cat, who has Hitler's mustache, is next to me. I sometimes call her Kitler, but her name is Pumpkin. I got her the day I got out of my year long nightmare psychosis. She's been my faithful companion since. She's such a great cat too. She follows me whether I'm going to the kitchen or bathroom. She's literally attached to my hip at this moment. She's a bit overweight but I love that about her. :O) There's more of her to grab on to! She likes to be bed like a dog. Although whenever I pet her she always sticks up her butt. Why do cat's do that? So weird. Anyway, I'll let everyone marinate on that last thought lol

My care coordinator came today. She told me that what's real to me isn't real to other people. But that's not true; what's happening to me is real. I am being stalked and the police are out to get me. Yet no one believes me. I'm so alone in this world. What makes it worse is she's coming to visit me again on Tuesday and I think she said a member of the crisis team will be there. Please just shoot me now. I wish I had a gun so I could put myself out of my misery.

Its midnight here. Somehow I'm able to get out of my bed to my living room where these busybody neighbors outside would watch me like comedy show,
just to watch live soccer. Getting a bit uneasy. hopefully i can maintain focus....

I remember I tried to commit suicide. Everyone was out to get me. I lost everything, my job, my friends, my academic career. Then I asked the last friend I had if this story of mine was true. I was 100% sure that it was true but how can you ever be 100% sure, really? i She said plainly, "Stephen, I think you have schizophrenia" That moment was unreal because it was the first time I thought I could be wrong and that I might have a mental illness. I quickly sank back into my delusions but I did something embarrassing that landed me in the hospital against my will where I met my psychiatrist for the first time

I'll never forget his questions. He first told me how much I scared the university by going to affirmative action and pressing charges, thinking professors where stalking me, trying to punish me. I felt like everyone, the students, professors, administration were all out to get me and harass me. I was so certain that I was right in this. I could FEEL that I was right. Then my psychiatrist asked me, "but what if you were wrong? What if?" Then I said medicine would be appropriate. The next day I saw him, he had a meeting with university officials and professors because of my claims against them. He said, "Steve, All your professors think your delusional." I went through so much suffering and suicide attempts, I even had a memory impairment from all the stress I went through that I was willing to try anything that may relieve this. So I said I had nothing to lose, lets try medicine.

I was delusional, but how could I have known? The only people I could rely on where my friends, families and doctors. They could see from an outside perspective what I couldn't see because my reason was trumped by emotions, and the emotion that trumped my reason was always fear, which made for a nightmare of a mess. I needed an outside guide to get out of the labyrinth my delusions created.

Can't you just draw the curtains so the neighbours can't see you? I always find trying to remove triggers in any small way can be a help... and

PS - My voices have seemed the loudest today since I went to 10mg of Abilify... proof it isn't a cure even if it does help. Thankfully they haven't been too distressing or grinding me down.

I made butterscotch pudding with sea salt...it is amazing.....a friend is coming over to help me eat it and watch movies....

Akathisia sucks. A lot. Like seriously I can't just sit still for long. I keep pacing. It's not as bad as it was when I was on Saphris but I'm definitely noticing it.

sounds yummy and fun! enjoy

I went out on the bike for the first time today. My legs really ache but it's a good ache. I've been doing squats too. I'm having a healthy ceasar salad for tea. This is a new lifestyle for me

Has your doctor put you on Cogentin? It is a side effect drug for akathasia. Akathasia is terrible. I had it when I was on Risperdol, and then again when I was on Prozac.

Sounds great! I keep meaning to get my bike out but I feel the weather isn't nice enough yet... will probably wait until the spring then will get on it. I was doing a lot of running last spring but that led to me finding out I have asthma, but cycling seems to be a lot easier in that respect.

i dont have the flu ok.
its just a cold and i got my flu shot over a month ago so it didnt cause this.

i get sick really easily in general. i also dont take very good care of myself physically. probably do a extremely bad job at taking care of myself physically.