Roll Call 45

Thanks for the tip. I didnt know that, sounds frustratingly difficult for something that should be so simple, but I'll do that later. It really irks me when there's stuff showing.

I'm starting to sleep on 72mg Concerta. That's not a good sign..

So tired.. Coffee..

Whatever life I'll sleep my life away. Not like I'm missing much anyways.

I don't want to contribute to society. I don't want to be apart of this mess. I'll just watch. Because all I want to do is have hedonia.

"What's going on in the world today?, people fightin', feudin', lootin', it's ok. Let it go, let it flow, let the good times role, it ain't nothin' but music.."

Looks like I missed out on making the new roll call, maybe next time...

How is everyone? Glad to say my voices are a little quieter again.

omg loial i was looking for you at post #990 . i posted early so if you saw my post youd make the roll call but you missed it :/

glad your voices are quieter.

A campaign needs to be started here #Loial4RollCall46

Good to hear your voices are giving you more peace!

campaign sounds good to me...

I'd like to post a triggering picture somewhere on here, probably on the SI page. It's of my left arm and it's all healed scars (no blood, no fresh scars) just old scars. It's not a very nice picture I'm sure there's worse out there but for me this is a terrible picture. But if I could turn someone off self harming, even just one person, I feel it'll make a difference.

Sorry you felt the need to SI in the past... are you past it all now?

Funny thing - I have a scar on my left arm that looks like a SI scar but was in fact me breaking my arm badly & needing plates in it. Doesn't bother me but I suppose some people may assume it was SI if I didn't say.

You might have to stay up late we usually switch over at night.... People get chatty then....

If I meet people who are thinking about SI or currently struggle with it I show them my arms as a warning. Yeah, the scarring is that bad.

Yeah I'm coming out of it now. I si'd when I was a teenager so had some scars then started again in the past year and a half. My arm is a mess, I'd like to show young self harmers what they're doing to their bodies and how much anxiety it creates for you as you get older. They never really heal enough to go unnoticed and people do notice them. I've gotten odd stares or if I'm in a changing room for hockey or that. It sucks. But I can really see this as being in the past.

yea...ive got SI scars too.

My scars are all up and down both my arms on all sides, literally the whole of my arms are covered. I haven't sh'd in the well over a year now and don't plan on doing it ever again.

I think that's a good idea, a lot of kids (including myself when I was younger) don't understand how badly it can mess you up

i smell but i cant bring myself to shower.
i only shower like a few times a month. wash my hair maybe twice a year.
cant do it.

When I feel the most motivation, I shower. I just showered and haven't in a week or two.. When I do it takes 2 minutes from some sudden burst of energy that I get. When I was severely agitated two years ago I would shower 2-3 times a day.

despite my supposed motivation i have right now...i just cant shower. i actually cant do a lot of things. basic things.

maybe im not right about how i thought i was feeling...

Is the showering thing about motivation or maybe fear of being watched....they are very different things....

well the being watched part is kinda getting better ever since i put black canvas cloth over the window and taped the sides. im still afraid like someone is going to come into my house while im showering and i wont hear my dog bark and they will come into my shower and stab me. i always see shadows on the other side while in the shower and idk what it is. in fact no matter if in the shower or not im afraid someone is in my house. i actually check in my house every 20-30 min. the WHOLE house. i cant rely on my dog. plus ghosts...

on the other hand i dont even have any motivation to actually get out of my clothes or clean myself up to begin with. i dont brush my teeth. i dont wash my face. i barely change clothes.

im not depressed so thats definitely not it.

its weird the only thing i only wash is my hands - frequently.

It's secretly been the reason I haven't killed myself, and strived for beauty, truth and goodness, so that I might produce something that may be itself beautiful.

ugh its raining. and its cold.
i shouldve taken the dog out earlier.

We're supposed to get a foot of snow tomorrow....

snow is fun to watch but im so glad we dont get it here. its a traveling hassle. it could snow for 1 day and then you cant go anywhere for like 5 days.

They plow it here it's not really like that you can go out certainly by the next day.

they only plow it in certain areas here. mainly in dallas. and not every time. so if you live in texas and it snows you better bet on staying in for at least a day or two or have a 4x4 drive car.

they dont even come out here in the rural. so even if it snows a little bit - im snowed in. even if it sleets. they dont come out to the rural for anything really. not even speeding (sometimes but occasionally).