Roll Call 52

My friend will be with me at the front door during the exchange in case it's a set up and they attack me.

- Tweaky

I think I took this persona too seriously..

Morning roll call!!

I hope everyone is doing ok. I'm glad to say I am getting along well. I've stayed at 2mg of risperidone & my voices are now very quiet. I go for up to 30 mins to an hour without hearing them from time to time so I'm definitely making progress.

Yesterday was also the last day of my citalopram taper, so I'm now officially off that. I've had one or two days with some mild anxiety but I think that is just my body adjusting to the lack of medication. Hoping now to remain off it without any issues.

Other than that I am over at my parent's house & we have some friends of the family visiting which is nice. I think we are going on a day trip today to visit a castle which I'm looking forward to.

I'll hopefully be checking back in here again soon... maybe start posting a bit more again.

Can't sleep. Ants on my nightstand. They're plotting to get in my mind and implant more devices. What a mess. Wear a dress. I have a new address. Oh ****. What. Being sighing the did joke thing of the are how house without mourning.

Lol I'm apparently up for the day. Never got back to sleep counting sheep who the **** came up with that nonsense? Time is an illusion of the mind finding out the way within the black holes withholding. Information must be obtained. Action must be taken. Shaken up and down to the core.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in April, like right around the sound of this time of year. The wind blowing through the trees. Freedom isn't free, I was in the hospital nine years ago. Some things you just don't forget. Being diagnosed with a mental illness is one of those things. Flings over the moon and back. Loveless is me and emotion but a vampire's reflection. But hey, there's coffee so I'm not totally dslafjdklsa lol.

You think the anniversary of your diagnosis is flairing up some of your symptoms?

I don't know...

Hope you feel better!

I hugged but also gave a thanks because I like your creativity. There's a poem that I like that reminds me of this. It ends with,

The minute or the moment
How you think is your opponent
Close your eyes and count to WAAAAH!

You're ending reminded me of that, because it goes against conventional rules of thought.

i have more energy today. still coughing but not as bad.... the sun was out when i woke up but then it thundered for a while now it's cloudy again....GO AWAY RAIN!!! not sure what im going to do today. i want to work on the art project for therapy...i just have to get started. but thats the hard part. because i havent drawn/done art in a long time

i woke up at 2am because i heard my dad walking up to my room and breathing in my door. i said "are you ok?". he said he heard a noise and it was probablt just the cats. i was able to go back to sleep and sleep til 8:30am.
cuz i had went to bed at 10pm.

i have like ptsd-like reflexes. especially when it comes to being woken up at night. if i hear a sound i jump up immediately. and i mean immediately. i jump out of bed. on my feet. like im on duty.
but I LIKE TO CALL IT military reflexes Because I like to think of it as keeping one eye always open as they say.

For the years I was in Tae Kwon Do we always, for reasons of an abusive brother, we always made fast solid attacks and defenses. We were trained to jump into position and say "ice". It sounds silly I know, but after a couple years my brother tried to attack me from around the corner. When I saw him I immediately, out of reflex, jumped into position. I don't remember if I said "ice" but I do remember I got his attention.

I'm going through my notes and I can't seem to find a philosopher of science. His work reminds me of Aristotle's four causes. I would email the professor, but he was so unprofessional, calling me troubled, recalcitrant, evolutionary misfire, Meno, weird, all of which made me feel terrible and angry. After he said all of that he was subsumed into my delusion and I went to affirmative action about it with all that plus my unbelievable delusion that the university took very seriously. It scared the **** out of him and the people involved.

What a terrible average joe. All that knowledge and it never taught him how to be an empathetic human being. What he said was meant as a joke, but was it hate or humor. There's a fine line between the two and that line is grey.

Started Weight Watchers today. This seems reasonable and not like some crazy restrictive diet

watching iron chef

lol waiting for myself to pass out. Surprise I haven't. I need to sleep so I can stop eating.

going to go see "It Follows" today

Thank you. I took my morning dose of Haldol and went back to sleep for about three hours. I'm thinking better now I think.

You're really sweet, I appreciate your kindness.

Wow, thank you! When my thoughts go all gooey a lot of people say even though it's word salad/doesn't make sense/etc there is a poetic flare to it sometimes, I chalk that up to being a writer since I knew how to write. I have dozens of notebooks full of poetry I've written.

It's been raining like mad over here, too. When I was up in the middle of the night I went outside to smoke and it was raining and lots of thunder. It's not raining now, but it's windy... I love that sound.

What kind of art project are you doing? I used to draw and paint when I was younger but I seldom do it now.

Lol, we woke up at the same time! I was up at 2 AM too and wide awake, heh. I don't know what woke me up, I just know that my body was all like, "you're going to be awake now and you're going to like it."

I took martial arts for several years myself. Got my black belt and everything. My physical health is really bad now so I can't do things like that consistently anymore... but if someone attacks me I still remember how to kick some butt. HAHAHA.

I love the bolded part, the way you wrote it has a certain kind of beauty to it even if a bit dark because of the subject matter. I agree there's definitely a fine line between hate and humor. I enjoy reading your posts in general, you write really well and I respect that as someone who is a writer herself.

hey...glad u are feeling better.

yes it's been raining for several days here. the sun came back out so now it's sunny...i like that.

i am doing a project for therapy. i am going to draw out my schema modes. (http://www.schematherapysouthafrica....ma%20modes.pdf). i know some people don't know what that is. anyway, its hard to get started bc i havent done art in a looooong time!! T suggested i do this and i agreed to do it. i want to do it, i have lots of ideas, but getting started is hard for me right now .

Middle of the night med munchies?

My sleep schedule(if you want to call it that, lol) was a lot like yours when I was taking Seroquel as a very young adult. My days and nights got flipped around and I would snack all night.

Thank you!

It's been raining here for awhile, most of the month actually. The sun came out for a couple of days last week but then it went away. We're forecast to get more sunlight here soon though, that will be nice. I enjoy a good thunderstorm don't get me wrong but I like having sunlight too.

I've heard of schema therapy, I find it really interesting. Getting started on anything creative is always the hard part for me as well, once I start though it just flows.

You have referenced a lot of different models that your therapist uses in your posts, he sounds like he really knows what he's doing. Glad you have him, it sounds like you're doing a lot of important work and I admire that.

I have my therapist appointment today, we are both still getting to know each other(I've only been seeing her a month and a half now). I don't open up easily(I'm a paranoid person, it's not so much a feeling for me as it is a thought pattern instead, hard to explain) so it'll be a process... I'm okay with that though. I just need to be patient with myself and with her. She's a smart woman and when she read in my paperwork I had to fill out before our first session that I have schizoophrenia she did a bunch of research about schizophrenia(because she said that what she was taught about the illness is pretty basic and wanted to expand her knowledge) so she would know how to help me better. I like her a lot and respect her for doing that, no therapist I've had before has taken the time to learn more about my illness and how to best help me because of how my illness pervades everything I do in my life.