Roll call 55

I wish it were always this quiet too. I heard the birds the past two mornings. Not yet though today.

Are you still awake?

Yes. I'm getting depressed though. The longer I'm awake the worse I feel physically, so then the worse I feel mentally. How are you doing?

Okay. I've managed to finish all my emails. It has been 7 hours since I woke up which feels a little weird, because the sun isn't where I expect it to be when I look outside. Now, I am looking up files for clock and jewelery work.

What time did you get up?

I got up sometime before midnight I think. Maybe around midnight, it's hard to remember.

I just become pen pals for a time and then set up a date at a nice quiet place with a good selection of beer and listen to their passions, their hobbies and what most moves them. Talking about failed dates always works too. Sometimes if I'm very nervous Ill write out a list of questions, comments and jokes so that I feel comfortable, have a couple beers to loosen up and then head out the door to meet her.

I'm still friends with some of them. However, I can't quite seem to find mutual chemistry. It's always one does feel it and the other does not, which still leads room for help.

But breaking down that I have Schizoaffective bipolar with panic attacks is not pretty. Every night I have to cope with it. I try to hold off on that, but I had to distance myself from the last woman due to my meds not working sending me spiraling down into full blown bipolar.

Then there is the issue of the interior me. I have a rich interior but with all I've been through and all I'm going to go through I don't know how long I'll live. Just questioning that makes me think I shouldn't date, because im a train that fell off the tracks and might end up in the lake below the bridge. I've been told I'm damaged goods. Interesting to see my epic decline. I know some of you have It worse that me. You're all very strong.

My husband went back to work today after being on vacation for a week. I miss him. I briefly forgot how much I hate being alone with my thoughts. I have some work to do so that will keep me occupied for an hour or so.
Hope everyone got some sleep and has a good day.

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Lol, I've only bought a starter deck. It is expensive and it can be addictive.

You deserve to be happy. Screw anyone that says otherwise. We're all damaged good, not just us with sz. The right person sees that and accepts it as part of you/us.

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I don't think I'm damaged goods though. What that person said was just foolish. Part of being human is to know just how fragile life is. That we are mortal. That we live on earth. It's a place of war, gore, disease and death. It's rarely a pretty place and the best we can do is gang after glee.

Damaged goods is just that person's pessimism. I may believe I have an uglier past than most, and I may have a dx worst that most but that is besides the point. To define me in that way is to look at what I simply have endured and erred, and not what I stand for.

My greatest fear isn't even death. It's that I may not contribute to the world in some meaningful way. What does that say about me? It says more than a person that said I'm damaged goods.

Good morning guys! I'm hanging out in the peacefulness of my living room, contemplating going to the porch. What's everyone doing today?

I'm proud of myself, for two reasons.

I woke up in the middle of the night, and instead of binge eating I just had a cup of tea then went back to bed.

Secondly, I woke up and got right to my History work, and got today's classwork done

That's awesome! And now you've got the whole day ahead of you.

Mine too! Miss him deeply. I'm trying to clean my closet to distract me. Checking what fits and what I can keep but looking at the clothes pile all over the place is depressing me. Need to walk away from it, right now.

^^Sorry, replying to off the valley's comment about missing her husband.

I just went out and bought an iPad lol. Yay

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My mom just bought a new iPad. I think I might ask if I can have her old one, haha. I have a kindle, but it is not quite the same.

I don't feel like doing ANYTHING today. Seriously. I'm even having a hard time eating my toast...I made a list of everything I hope to accomplish today. Fill out job questionnaires, apply for more jobs, respond to my texts, respond to my okcupid messages, write 700 words of the story I'm hoping to enter into a writing contest, work on cleaning my room (which will be a multi day project).

The art therapist at the hospital said that "motivation comes from action". I'm going to force myself to get some of this done and see if that is true.

Awesome!

met with T. it went well. he will be gone saturday-tuesday. so i will miss 2 sessions but he said maybe we can meet friday morning. i won't know til i get my work schedule tonight. now i am anxious about it. also im not sure what time he has on friday morning ...i hope i dont work friday or at least in the morning. but i guess it will be ok. i will make it if i dont get to have a session til the 6th. i just hope it works out that i can see him one more time before he goes... i dont like when things are up in the air but i need to work on that and deal with uncertainty. anyway im at my friends house , i go to work soon. at least im off tomorrow. i plan to work on homework. also T wants me to get back into art and being creative so i plan to draw a little something just to get started. he said thats my therapy homework.

That's great! Have fun with it! 😊

thanks for the insight sometimesp!
ill bet on school the most but thats a year away. for now ill have to make do with something like a site or something but im not sure what. maybe okcupid.

yay!!!!!!!

so im late to roll call but im up.
woke up at 8am.
been wondering what to do all day.
thats prob all ill be doing is wondering.

It is raining here. I'm a little nervous because a few weeks ago our basement flooded due to heavy rain. We had a plumber come out, and he dx'd the problem, but he hasn't had a chance to fix it yet.

I'm being brave. I went and spent time in the patio, then went into the backyard, now all my cats are with me in the patio. They are amazed and confused.