Safe Place

It's awful. I think I'm going to nap now.

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Got another 10 hours of sleep and I'm still tired. I don't know what the explanation could be if not poisoning. Ugh. I hate these feelings I know they are ridiculous but I can't help but believe it.

Just digging this thread so it won't be buried deep again

I think I was hearing stuff last night. Can't be certain cos it sounded so real.
I've had this problem for a few weeks, my bf got me a soft toy heaty thing for Christmas and I can't get it out of my head that it's got cameras in the eyes and is videotaping me when I get undressed. So I put it face down when i get changed so it can't see me but now I've started thinking it can see out the back of its head. I'd move it but I'm also scared to move it out the bedroom in case it's alive and I offend it and it tries to kill me in my sleep.
I've talked to my bf about this and he's tried to reassure me but I just can't stop thinking about it.

Can you maybe ask him to keep it for you until you feel better? I am sorry you have this issue for weeks

Thanks 12pm. Yeah I could do that might work. I know it sounds stupid, sounds stupid to me too, just can't get it out of my head

so a couple days ago i had a really bad moment but i also figured out an issue a bit. my boyfriend and i were playing destiny and they have this event going for valentines day where you pair up and do 2v2 team death matches for legendary items and higher ranks with the pvp area. we did 2 matches and by the end of the second match i was crawling out of my skin. when we lost i just started shrieking and i should have had the forethought to at least disconnect my mic but he got the whole earful and i felt horrible but i could not stop screaming. and banging my head on the wall. i even smashed a plate over my head, thats a first. it only lasted a minute or so i think? but when i got back on my mic he was dead quiet. obviously scared to death. like why the fuc wouldnt he be i just went full animal over some stupid sith. froze up and turned off my playstation. also my head hurt from the wall (id more headbutted it and i dont usually hit the top of my head?) and i was shaking and i was just so so so scared of myself.
this is usually the part where AM swallows me up but instead i messaged murder friend as a proxy. and it was actually an almost nice conversation, very little to do with killing me. i told them i was terrified of the way i am and theres something evil inside me. they said theres no explanation of how i am that they can think of that points to me being "evil," that im just sad. they joked i should become catholic.
but at the same time i was talking to my boyfriend and patching things up, he was really apologetic because this has happened before a bunch of times just not as loudly? but i mean theres no need to be apologetic its not his fault im like this. we got talking about solutions though, what to do when this happens again and how to prevent it. and that felt really productive and good!!!!!! i think the root of the issue is that the smaller the team the more i feel like im not going to carry my weight and losing becomes shameful and disgusting instead of just a thing that happens sometimes. so we have a plan to space each 2v2 match with a 6v6 match to depressurize me, because i do really well on bigger teams most of the time. im just really grateful im in a relationship where my partner is open to discussing these things.

I relate Willow, I had to avoid my pets because i thought demons had possessed them so that they could watch me.

I do the covering up mirrors thing, too.

I avoided my pets because I thought their microchips were planted by PETA. I thought they were tracking me.

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I'm on my last pills of Stelazine for my little jar and I need to gget a refill
I had my mom call my pharmacy about it but my memory is so ****** I can't remember what they said for how to get more
I think I asked if I could get some samples to hold me over but I don't remember what they said

I think something about my pdoc having to put the order in, but I think she did put the order in so I don't know why I don't have more Stelazine right now

I'll see about it tomorrow I have enough to last til then

im in agony i think murder friend is sending messages to other ppl besides me and theyre ignoring me skype says theyre away and i cant believe how jealous i am i cant believe this i cant believ e this im crying over something like this? they were supposed to kill ME!!!!!!!!!! theyre supposed to be in love with ME theyre not supposed to want to kill anyone else until im dead!!!!!!! ill cut their ****ing eyes out for real if i ever meet htem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i havent felt this way in so long i actually feel lethal like. when i had my first break i ended up stalking a guy for several months. i never tell anyone that but it happened. i was completely out of control. whaat if i become the killer im scared im not safe i m not safe but theres nowher to go

Have you called any helplines? Like the Suicide Prevention hotline? I'm pretty sure they welcome crisis calls of all types. It might be a really good idea.

im not in any suicide danger i dont want to self harm, at least not anymore. all the hospitals near me have terrible ratinngs for their mntal health units. i dont want to go there. i wouldnt know how ot explain this to a hotline. andi cant afford this anyway. liquor is qy=uicker!!!!

Well, that's why I mentioned that you could talk to them about anything, including any type at all of not feeling safe. The alcohol is disinhibiting and you might feel even less safe, after the buzz. I hope you'll feel better soon.

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I have SI's tonight.

I hope you are feeling better today.

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by letting these things happen i am responsible for and to blame for all crimes committed against me, past and future

Everywhere I go whether it's online or watching tv people are sending coded messages through various means. I'm just sick of it now. It's just a constant mind ****. People's conversations reference things I'm doing or have done. I play a game on my phone and surprise surprise the bastards are there too. There's no escape!!!!!!

Are you medicated? I used feel yhisva lot before I was properly medicated.

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I'm waiting to start clozapine. I am on abilify injections at the moment although I missed my last one but that was only a day ago so it won't have gone out of my system yet. I don't see how meds will stop things outside my head from happening. Maybe it will make me care less but they don't seem to be stopping what they're doing anytime soon.

Not doing well. Don't want to write a disorganized novel so I'll keep it at that. **** this time of year.

I again today. It makes me nervous because both of the kids are home and I'm still being stupid

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