Roll call 81

Welcome back Erti!

I'm alright thanks. How are you blue_bird?

Morning. Hope everyone has a good day.

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I'm doing good, thanks the appointment with the nutritionist went well

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i got paranoia level 75% last night. i walked through my house about 7 or 8 times with an ice pick. i kept hearing noises and think someones in my house or trying to get in. at least i am able to walk around and check it out and confirm no ones in here. it still comes up though when i hear a new noise and have to do the walk thru again. i smoke outside on my screen porch but last night i smoked 2 cigs in my bedroom because i was too scared to go outside. my screen porch has a lock and is not easily accessible but i still felt too nervous abt it. i slept with teh ice pick sticking out from my mattress just in case... it helped me feel a little safer.

im not sure if this is bc my roommate has been gone (shes gone somewhere with her fiance for 9 days) or if its bc i increased my vybriid dose. the vybriid has made me psychotic in the past at a higher dose... i finally feel like i am crawling out of this 3 wk depresssion so i am hesitant to lower it back to the original dose. also i see my NP on the 23rd and i know she wont be happy with me messing with my meds on my own. i dont tell her a lot of things so maybe i just wont mention it... im a bad junkDNA!!!

Junk I've been like that when in the house alone since I was younger. I also won't go outside in the dark without someone with me, and I'm 27! I'm only now sleeping without music playing to cover up sounds. When I hear a plane pass over I get this sinking feeling in my stomach of pure dread. I remember waking up one morning and there was a chainsaw going off in one of the nearby fields, I just had flashes of leatherface in my head, I was freaking out!!!

I think these kinds of thoughts can just be ingrained in your personality if it's not new for you. If it's new to you and you're usually fine then it'd be something to mention.

Lolz I was just thinking to myself , i've being sane since all the time ive being here, no one here has actually experienced me insane, awkward though , hell yes...

need to find some inner peace. im too focused on other people in my life that its pretty much doing me in for the worse. its best to find some inner peace with yourself and not to depend on other people so much, ive learned.

becoming so social in the past year and a half has me depending on other people more and has me less in touch with myself.

Hi, newtus! Those are good things to learn. You (general you) have to go through a lot to realize that, and I'm really glad you did. ((((((Newtus)))))

Brought my daughter shopping for school. It was a test of wills. I'm not feeling the most stable right now so being in public was tough. I swear everyone knew there was something wrong. Now my son I'd cutting grass but once he's done I have to bring him to the store too. Ugh
I hope everyone is having a better day.

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My pdoc appt went surprisingly well! He was ... moderately supportive of my being off meds. Warned me about relapse, and to be mindful of symptoms. He let me keep my Ativan, and gave me a new sleep med. He questioned me on my weight loss (I suppose if I'm honest I've been relapsing with my eating disorder, but not ready for help with it) but let it go for now. Overall I'm pleased how it went.

Apparenlty my egg donor (birth mom) had been telling her children that my mom (adoptive mom) is a terrible person and has been shutting her out of my life

I'm so pissed off at her I never want to meet her at all

She completely disrespects my mom then acts liek I should be grateful to her?! Seriously?! I am all that I am because my mom was always there for me and supported me through everything

Where the **** were you when I was a baby? When I was rushed to the hospital? When I won second place in a statewide singing competition?

She never ONCE reached out to me and my mom has ALWAYS wanted me to meet her, she is LYING to her children about my MOM who raised me and did her the biggest ****ing favor of her life

She's such a shitbag I absolutely hate her

I think this haldol dilate your pupils... Having a hard time seeing.

That happened to me with Cogentin. BADLY

I went to shake the therapists' hand when I left the hospital because he was amazing at what he does and he said "btw, what did they give you lol? You're pupils are HUUUGEEE" and I thought it was the Vyvanse and he said "I didn't say anything because it looked like you were having a good time!"

LOL

But I couldn't see a damn thing up close. I ended up having to get glasses. I thought it was permanent but it went away after I stopped the cogentin <3

I will be inpatient tomorrow. My life has been spiraling downward, and before I a rock bottom, id like to hit a softer landing. My financial and living situation and worstend. I've been have suicidal ideation with an all too easy plan. I'be been slipping at work becauser of my hard mornings. My boss is getting frustrated. He doesn't know what to do. Neither do I. My meds are still numbing me down to the point where I don't feel creative all. Things just keep getting worse. I can see them getting wose too. I'd rather just get on some kind of partial disability, work part time, get medicare, be able to afford another apartment, and have a job walking distance with a library near by. That's my goal. Too much?

I talked to my mother about some of this. she is taking this harder than I am. She just freezes when things get hard.

Like I said, suicidal ideation, a plan, a time period. the time period is not for a few months though. Zbut still, that's not healthy.

Maybe it is the cogentin... I may just have to get glasses then.

Good luck, Day Tripper. You have been sounding more hopeless, I think, recently. You shouldn't have to feel that bad. It looks like we all have to make compromises with our illness and meds. It's very hard at times. : heart:

i think its time to focus on myself because the relationship boat has sailed!

Well, only until you meet someone new.

Yeah, I felt that way when my ex boyfriend and thought I never get into another relationship... Here I am seeking love somewhere else.

Now that I'm back on my meds (started them back up after I got my refilled, after 9 days without them), I'm starting to come back to reality, the feeling of un-realness is messed, and the thoughts are more manageable, everything thing hasn't gone away completely, but it's like the volume has been turned down on everything, like the voices, paranoia, and delusional thinking. I didn't think being off my meds for 9 days would have such an impact on me, but it did...

Back at work after leaving at 11 last night. Had to be here at 9. Woooooo....v

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Feeling a lot better. Caught up on my sleep and remembered to take my medication last night.

I hope going inpatient will help. all the best to you!

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Morning. Having a better day so far. Not so much anxiety or paranoia. Nothing much going on today. Have to bring my son to my Fil's to cut the grass and I have to bring him to fill some prescriptions. Boring day for all of us. Especially without a tv lol.
I hope everyone has a good day.

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Sorry Junk, that is dirt! Was it just the rota was messed up or are you mad busy this time of year?

Day off today and then day hospital tomorrow.